Rainbow Babies - hoping and trying for rainbows, loving and remembering our Angels xxx

angel she does sound aweful, I suppose all we can take from that kind of relationship is - won't be doing that to my kids!.

Ok I REALLY am going to go and get dressed and go outside now, but I can't believe that there are so many terrible mums and MILs out there, I think I will have to see my MIL in a different light - she's pretty awful, but does at least mean well - what is it with them asking for or giving you £1??!! I'm surprised none of them got slapped (or maybe they did and you just haven't shared that bit yet). green I hope you somehow find the strength to keep on going while your mum's there at the moment too.

poppet understand totally, bless little E. We were living with my parents when Fi died, we bought a memory box to put her things in and then everything else is packed away in my parents loft. The only things I have that she wore are the ankle and wrist ident bracelets she wore that day. I am lucky to have a lock of her golden hair, some of it I wear in a locket and some we have put in her photo album.
I look at the album often, look at how beautiful she was. There's one pic that breaks my heart everytime I look at it, its of DH holding her. Everything of her is in that box, its sad really that that is my baby. All that we have of her.

Going back to family members though, mum can be great but I guess I've always been the strong one the one that supports so its hard when the tables are turned.

blizy when is AF due? How is the fertility monitoring going?

Wtw excellant news everything's going in the right direction.... Xxx
Blizy sounds just like the MIL from hell.. The only thing she contributed to all of Georgie's service was some cup a soups!!! My mum & dad paid for the service , we bought food etc... Flowers ... The reason she wouldn t give to Georgie's site was " because Ant owed her money from his first car 24 years ago!!!!" I detest her she's truely awful..... When Phebs was born I banned her from the hospital 2 days after I got home she barged in to our house whilst I'd got someone from little angels ( breastfeeding support group) here she pushed in , attempted to take over along with Ant's 13 year old nephew... I made her sit in the kitichen.... The support worker was fab & purposely took ages so she'd get pisssed off & leave!!!! On my kitichen table was an envelope with £20 in from my ex boss , Tim ( ants nephew ) put £2 of his pocket money in) she put £1 in!!!! What an insult???? £ 1???? We re definatly better off without the silly old cow... Well done on seeking counselling I think it can only help ... Towards a brighter future xxxx
Love to all xxx

Hi all. Thank you Greengoose and I'm just so sorry about Merryn. It IS such a lovely name (everyone on this thread must have such good taste!), what does it mean? Only 13 weeks... it's just over six weeks since our little one died... I know what you mean about it hurting with every breath.
This afternoon I re-discovered the first hat that E wore, a NICU one that I'd forgotten they'd given us - haven't been through most of the stuff yet, it's just piled up in the spare room - and oh it's got loads of her hair and skin and blood (from the EEG electrodes) on it I don't know how many of my friends would understand me if I told them I'd just spent quite a long time wailing over it and kissing it, but I suspect you lot know exactly what I mean.

wtw goodness you do need to get home today don't you. Really hope you do. Thinking of you and Erin.

Sorry about all the crap family members out there. My family are being amazing but DH's are being quite rubbish and needing us to tutor them through this and tell them what to say to us and how to say it. Then they don't do it anyway and instead just make us really cross.

blizy really sorry that you are having to go through the fertility testing process. It took us over two years to conceive E (unexplained infertility, although by the end of the two years it seemed that my ovaries were possibly about to go into meltdown, though that was also unexplained) so I understand a little bit - obviously nowhere near all - of what you're going through. It breaks my heart for you a little bit, and I know that fan is also waiting and waiting too, it must be so very hard. Hoping so much that very very soon you will both be celebrating a BFP, and the same for everyone else who's trying too.
Thank you all for the answers re when you all started trying again. Lots to think about.

I might actually have a shower and get dressed now... it's been a sad day x

FAN sounds like your mums a handful too. As if you wouldn't have had another baby by now if you could have, as if you haven't tried.... I think sometimes the generation gap means they don't know how to communicate so well about our babies, but still... And your brother should know that it's far worse for you than your mum?!?
I am hiding upstairs like a naughty schoolchild under the pretence of housework. I just need some time to myself to recharge.

How are things WTW? Any signs they'll let you out?

wtw glad things are improving, fx you are fine this afternoon and you can go home.

blizy hope the GP is helpful and understanding.

green its hard isn't to have a relationship sometimes especially when it doesn't turn out how u want it with your mum. Mine is highly emotional and I feel that she has taken all the emotion out of me. Most of the time I don't feel supported by her, I feel that I have to support her, she cries a lot about Fi, which is fine, but she never askes me how I am. She puts pressure on me to produce more children. She thinks she's being helpful but its not. I tried to talk to my brother about in it the hopes that he could steer mum in the right direction on how to support me. But he had a go at me and said I should remember mum has lost a grandaughter too. Couldn't beleieve it. My nan isn't very understanding even though she has had a stillbirth herself, she thinks we should forget about Fi and move on. But I wouldn't have known this but mum had to tell me while crying. I ended up supporting her in that moment. It drains me to be honest.
I love my mum, she just doesn't deal very well with all this. And our relationship has suffered. I'm trying to get it back to how it was but its diffiuclt. She keeps saying oh I really hoped you would of had another baby by the time your brother comes over next february. Wish it was that easy.

BLIZY, it's good the bloods came back fine, but sometimes it's easier to be told there is something wrong that can be overcome than to be told there is nothing they can find. If your friend recommended this doctor hopefully she's good. Im aware that the waiting is so so much harder ttc this time than it was before. I think we all NEED our babies in a far more painful way. I really hope things get easier for you and you are given some answers. X

Green- I have had 2 sets of day 21 blood tests which both came back fine. I have asked I see a female dr on my friends recommendation , hopefully makes a difference.

Cross posted BLIZY.... Yes, much of my family have not been to Merryns just giving page. Honestly. I try not to let it bother me. I think it's brave of you to take steps towards counselling. I'm sure it will help, so many people talk about it making a difference. When you say 'next stage' of ttc, do you mean tests etc? Do you have a good doctor? I think they vary widely in how much they will do and how quickly they will do it, from my experience. I hope you come away feeling more hopeful, your having a rough ride...

WTW... I hope you get home, it sounds like everything's heading in the right direction now... Will your family be with you tonight if they can't discharge you? Try to keep drinking!

I am home, have been since yesterday, but mum doesn't go home until next Monday. She doesn't mean badly I don't think, just not very emotionally able. Ithe had enough now though, and she's sleeping in Merryns room, which is hard.

Posted too soon.

Congrats to auntie blue!

Wtw- hope you can get home later. X

Hope all is ok with August.

Fan- sorry you are not enjoying work, hope you are feeling ok today.

I have a dr appointment next wed, I am going to ask about the next stage in ttc and talk about counselling.

at shit family! I am in that position too, my own parents haven't stepped foot in my house for about 2 years. Angel- I have a just giving page too and they haven't donated. My mum even asked for £1 I owed her (to Buy sausage rolls for Z's wake) on Zoe's funeral! We are better off without them!

Ah green that sounds so hard with your mum. I think you are different with your children because you consciously think about it iyswim. When do you come home? Sounds like you've had enough now which is understandable.

Well progress here - blood results back in and they are improved enough to move from iv to oral AB's. I can also come off the drip as I'm managing to keep down water. Urine still has 3+ ketones though, boo! But they've said if I can not be sick, not get a temp and get the ketones down to +2 I can go home. They said they'd normally want to keep me for another 24 hrs after switching to oral AB's buy I've explained that I really need to get home to K and that I really don't want to be in here tonight - Erin was born at 8.22pm and died just after 10pm I can't be here then.

Poppet glad u got through yesterday ... We started ttc about 6 weeks after Georgie was born ( got my AF 4 weeks after Georgie) I delivered Georgie vaginally & had ELCS with Phebs... My consultant offered me either with Phebs but I wasn t risking anything & in the end I had group b strep all through out my pg with Phebs so was potentially an extra risk with Phebs anyhow xxxc go for it if the time feels right for u xxxx

Green sorry your mums so crap...Ant's mum is a total nightmare so very selfish... I don t have anything to do with her any more & she's only seen Phebs once in her life!!!( through her not bothering to drive 2 miles down the road to a local park to see her!! Whilst my folks drive hundreds of miles regularly) she's done loads of nasty things such as not give to Georgie's website ( we raised £1500 for the local delivery suite & bought a lovely remembrance book in Georgie's name), took flowers to Georgie's service then took them home again after!!!! She's shit & it's alien to me as my parents are bloody brillant.....take care xxx
Whatever glad you re feeling better xxx here's to being discharged xxx
Hi all ; love to all. Feeling better but chilling today... Yes work certainly hectic ... Xxc

Sorry for ranty rant.

AUGUST.....thinking of you. Hope all is good.

WTW, a hard time for you to be in hospital lovely...(not that there's an easy one)... When will they do your counts to let you know if you can go home? Are you feeling any better today? Have you eaten anything?

Kleinpoppet.... Hello. I'm really sorry you find yourself needing our thread, but it's lovely company for the journey we are making. I had a little girl, Merryn, 13 weeks ago, and she lived for six days in the NICU at Great Ormand Street where they tried and failed to remove a huge tumour. Eventually they had to stop trying and she died as we hugged her. I miss her with most breaths still. We have, and now know the depths of how lucky we are to have, two wonderful boys already. We are trying for another baby.
I too had an ecs ( due to pre-eclampsia), and have been told by my consultant that we can try straight away. She even said we could try for vbac, which I thought was a little enthusiastic! From what I've read consultants are prone to say this after stillbirth or neonatal death as they feel empathy for the family, although medical guidelines clearly say to wait at least 6 months. I'm trying again now though. They prescribed high dose Folic acid to get supplies back again also. I am also 39, and I know they take age into account. Anyhow, nice to 'meet' you!

FAN... I'm sorry you are struggling at work too, you don't need that really. I'm hoping you will have good reason to leave soon though. ( you could always move down here and be a parks warden for dartmoor, I always think they have the best job in the world, and it's rumoured they get free icecream)!

BLUE, yippee for new nephew cuddles! How are they doing?

ANGEL, a 1 day week sounds perfect! Hope time is passing quickly for you!

MECHA, don't think I ever said thank you for commenting on Merryns name! Thank you! I don't get to say it or anything very much anymore, so it made me glow to hear you liked it! How are you this week? Im glad time has some structure so you can start to plan....

Hi to everyone else

Here things are fairly yucky.... My mum is just not good at this. Her latest comment is that I can clear all the baby stuff that I had been keeping from the boys now. Great. Also asking why our veg patch is empty this year, (bit busy in the spring). I wish she was better, I could really do with a mum right now. It took me forever to feel ready to mother a daughter after the disaster that is our relationship, and then when I was pregnant and they said it was a girl I was so so happy. It was the right time for me, and I knew I wanted a daughter, and she didn't stay. My mum completely thinks we won't try again, I couldn't make her understand how this feels. You'd think she'd know, she lost my brother to cancer. I hope I am different for my kids. I think I am.

wtw thinking of you, especially where you are at the moment. I'm glad your feeling better.

Fi would have been 15 months this week, I can't help feeling it keenly, she would have been walking and talking and really starting to show her personality. All these what ifs.

I'm sending out a wish on this beautiful summers day, 'I wish for a baby, for all us ttc'ers'.

Well done for getting through yesterday Kleine As for trying again I had an emcs with Erin at the end of August and fell pg again mid December. I've had no problems with my scar at all. I was a little worried it would start to hurt as my bump grew but it hasn't. As there will be less than 12 months between births I had no choice but to have an elcs this time. But to be honest I would have probably asked for one anyway. It's a hard decision - we weren't actually strictly trying again and emotionally I have found it hard as did dp in the beginning. A bit like we were moving on from Erin too quickly. But now with 3 weeks to go I just can't wait to meet her.

Your works sounds very stressful angel roll on Disneyland!!

Feeling a little better this morning. Really hope my urine and bloods reflect that and I can go home today.

11 months today since we lost Erin - miss you every day little one xxxxx

angel work can be crap sometimes, my boss can be a right PMS twat, he's so bipolar its unbeleivable. Nobody has a clue what they are doing.

poppet that's good to hear about you GP, mine were sympathic too, but then I moved and one of my new doctors is very unsympathic! But that's a whole different story.
I can't answer your question as I had a vaginal birth, hope someone will be along soon to answer for you.

wtw hope u are feeling better this morning.

august can't wait to hear from you.

Waves at everyone else.

Hello all this thread is quite busy isn't it - lots going on! Hope wtw is feeling much much better today. Nice to meet you Trickle. And great news on the new nephew Blue! Massively empathise on the work front fan although my situation is different (working for myself now from home) but have wanted to be a sahm for years already. Eurodisney angel, how exciting!!

Just wanted to tell someone that I not only survived yesterday but actually had a really good few hours with my friend, sobbing away together. She has probably changed her mind about birth plan after what happened with E and I - she had number 2 at home, but is now thinking midwife-led unit for number 3. V sad to have to be a scare story. But you never know, it might mean that one day, someone else's baby is saved because of it.
Also, GP appt went well. I didn't know until the day after E died, when GP rang me in tears, that she also lost her firstborn at two days old... suddenly you start finding these things out, don't you? Anyway she was obviously hugely sympathetic, and she had her second child - now grown up - almost exactly a year after losing her first. So is very supportive of us wanting to ttc as soon as we can.

On that note - when did those of you who had CS (particularly EMCS) start trying again? DH is a doctor so we have access to lots of scary research on the topic, about the risks of trying too soon, but at the same time have already been encouraged by GP and one obstetric consultant to start trying as soon as we're ready. They do seem to understand the NEED to try. But we're aware of the risks (as well as the risk of an abruption reoccurring if we ever do get pg, in fact sometimes just thinking about it, I think my head might explode). I don't think we'll be able to wait very long, though.

I gather someone called august might be announcing a new arrival soon so just thought I would wish her well too! x

Blue yah for your sister & new nephew ... Xxxx
Fan at least you may come across some interesting stuff being an union rep. Especially at this time; fighting for people's jobs, protecting pay etc... Our union rep certainly has his work cut out at the moment..... Again, I think work politics is everywhere I guess you work with a lot of men???? Maybe not as bad ???? Want to try working with a vast majority of women??!!?? Very bitchy & petty at times... We ve got lots of crap happening at work... Basically there's 4 band 6's (me &3 others; senior nurses) & yet persistently there's only 2 of us fulfilling that role... The others leave me & Isla to do audits, admin, pt letters , texting results , sorting stuff out... It's endless ;3 of us are prescribers the other 1 has been attempting to undertake his course since ???mmm... Years ago!!! Put it this way I qualified as a non medical prescriber 5 years ago & I think he was muttering about it then... So 3 of us run our own clinics , take responsibility for prescribing medications where as he doesn t but is on the same pay scale!!!! Wtf???? However, he is shitting himself now as when we move (dec) I think we ll all to have interview for our posts and he's the least qualified & does the least : meetings, mentor ship, audits, teaching etc.... We always telling our manager & " apparently" he has words with said colleague but nothing ever changes!!! There's 3/4 people at that place can/ do get away with murder & yet the rest of us pull together as a team , work hard & get shat upon!!!
Anyhow me & my friend are the most qualified there si we intend to take care of ourselves by promoting ourselves only!!!
Sorry, rambled ;;; office crappy politics!!! Anyhow it a way to pay the mortgage & go on holiday!!!! ( that's how I view it ...oh & also IV e got no choice!!!! Plus to be a sahm would bore me to death!!!!!)
Hope work improves or new opportunities arise???
Whatever xxxx hope u start to pick up... Glad your girl is kicking away..., rest up xxxc
Yes I feel a bit better ta... Booked tomorrow off also so more chilling for me & packing for euro-Disney as no time after tomorrow... Might clean a little if I m ok...
Then work Thursday & AL with Ant Friday... Good god: a 1 day week ... Doesn t get much better??? Xxxi
Love to all xxxx

Aww that's great news blue Bet you can't wait to get over there now xx

YAY! My sister had the baby this afternoon! He's named Hannes and weighs 7lb4oz! So no need to worry about him being on the small side! She's pretty exhausted as she'd been having contractions on/off since Saturday, they induced her with a pessary this morning to speed it up. Had an epidural in the end as they had to cut and baby needed ventouse as well as his heartrate was dropping with every contraction. But they're all fine :)
Can't wait to give him a cuddle in a week's time!

wtw thinking of you! x

My bump is fine, very active baby today... but it is slightly too hot for me... 22 degrees would be ideal!