Rainbow Babies - hoping and trying for rainbows, loving and remembering our Angels xxx

Hi all, sorry some of you have been finding things tough. It's such a hard hard time.

Fan I hope work don't give you too much grief xx

Good luck at doctors tomorrow Blizy

Just 2 weeks left to go and I'm finding myself feeling increasingly more anxious. I have the butterfly feeling of nervousness constantly in my tummy at the moment like something is going to go wrong any minute. I've had a scan this morning but I feel oddly un-reassured by it even though they said everything looks fine. Her movements seem to have changed - less hard kicks and more rolls and pushes. They said it's because she's running out of room and has settled with her head down and limbs inwards. I should feel reassured but I just don't. Is this normal for the last bit??

green never apologise for being down, we are all in the same situation pretty much and if you can't be honest with us then who can you be with. Hugs to you.

poppet I hope the solitude can help you out this week.

blizy will be thinking of you tomorrow, is this for more tests or for a discussion?

I took the afternoon off yesterday, now personel want to speak to me. My supervisor wasn't in so I sent an email to personel to say I was going home and just left, naughty really but I just can't talk to these people at work they have no clue and I'm fed up with their false concern. So I might have to put up with more later from personel. I need to snap out of this, I'm going to really try today, I need to keep positive especially for this week, being ov week.

angel thank you.

blizy X post will be thinking of you for tomorrow. It's a big step I know but a brave and important one too - even if just for your peace of mind while that Bfp is awaiting you next month! I SO hope it is. Enjoy your day x

Good morning and I hope everyone is well today, thinking of wtw especially. Also hi to green, angel and fan, we were all pretty down in different ways yesterday... sending you positive thoughts for this new day.
green I still can't really believe it, either. Also can't do the 'what-if's'. Am deliberately spending much of this week alone, to do a bit more processing of it all, which feels important although is obviously terribly sad. I know alone-time isn't such an easy option for you though. And you did NOT fail. As if, given the option, you wouldn't have walked on fire to save Merryn. It was out of your control.
I know you know that - in the same way I know I couldn't control what my placenta did, but then still sometimes struggle with it - but it's important to remember it when you can. xx

Green- it is beyond unfair! Remember Merryn will be with you everywhere you go. I hope today is easier for you all.

I'm waiting in the mindees coming then I'm off out to the safari park with them, I can feel a long day starting....

I have the dr tomorrow and I can feel the nerves building.

Hope you all have a good day. X

Well that wasn't a very positive post was it?! Sorry! I'll be brighter in the morning!

Well, this evenings been a bit of a downer. I think I was holding it all in while my mum was here, and now I've got the space to 'feel' again. I really still don't quite believe how badly wrong things went, I still do the 'what if' thing all the time. I think because from twenty weeks pregnant we knew about Merryns tumour and then I had such a battle to get her into GOSH, it doesn't feel real that I failed. I fought so bloody hard to keep her alive when she was in me. It's so unfair, she did so well, she should be here. All our little ones should be here.

FAN, sorry it's tough right now. Ttc is just crap. I am beginning to realise what an awful roller coaster we are stuck on every month, but I have no choice it seems, my heart needs to do this. I hope it works for you soon. X

POPPET... How did the rest of your day go?

ANGEL... Hmmm, yes I talk to photos too, I worry sometimes that my memories have become the photos... But i guess we are lucky to have pictures of our little girls? It's very hard to think about what they would be doing, so bittersweet. I have to not let my daydreams go to far, it hurts too much. I saw another blond curly daredevil of a three year old at the beach yesterday, and as she ran past I let myself think of Merryn, and I almost choked on how much it hurt. As you say, it's very hard.

Every single bloody thing I've booked for this holiday has asked me how many kids I have, if there are any infants. I've cried every time. My friend who had a baby girl two days before Merryn has put the babies photo on her Facebook profile. I still can't talk to her. That's just crap, I need to do it, but I can't, I'm so so angry.

Poppet nothing to add other than it really stinks & we understand xxxxx

Fan take heed we ttc for 4 years in total , like you with a mc,MMC & our gorgeous Georgie (+2 cps) & we finally got there 4 long years after I came off the pill!!! So u can & will it just feels so long & empty now... However, I k sure , at some point you re have your rainbow baby & some of the pain & hurt will fade ( not Fi but the MCs etc...) + I m way older than u!!! ( I think) I m 41 now , started ttc when I was 36/37!!! Take care honey xxx
Green enjoy your time away I too promised myself I 'd be more spontaneous & live life to the full as we ve all been taught life's for the living & we re only here once... Enjoy your holiday with Merryn with you in spirit xxx
Hope everyone else is ok? So hard isn t it? I was cuddling Phebs tonight telling her how every minute of worry, scans, injections etc... ( MCs) had all been worth it to have her when I started to fill up thinking I should have my 2 girls ... Our Georgie bossing Phebs around, running round & being a protective elder sister instead of having to talk to a photo of her... It's so very hard... Georgie ( as all our angels) deserve to be here ... it's not fair xxxx
Hope we keep going & continue to find ways through the grief xxxx

thank you poppet. I wish the same for all you girls still ttc'ing or gearing up to, we all so deserve some happiness.

Thank you both for the empathy. Bless you.
green I am so hugely impressed by your determination to give your DSs a wonderful summer. Obviously it's not what you would have wanted to be doing this summer, but I so hope you all manage to enjoy yourselves as much as is possible. (Despite all the camping - very brave!! )
fan I so so SO hope for you that your baby is just waiting round the next corner for you. You really have been through it - as if losing Ophelia wasn't terrible enough, to have two mcs as well... Many people would no longer be standing, but you are. Lots of love xxx

poppet it is hard ttc'ing when also greiving, but like you we decided it was harder not too. Just do what you feel is right, this time last year I started a few little projects to keep me busy while still off on mat leave. I crocheted a blanket (that the squares had been sitting doing nothing for 2 years so sewed them together) I started a rag rug (still not finished) I also made two blankets for my BFF, and I also watched many crap/good films to pass the time. I remember the first time I had preoperly laughed was when I watched horrible bosses.

green we also made that promise to each other to live a full life, another reason why we are going to Inverness for DH to run the marathon there in September (end of). We decided that life is too short to do nothing, so if we want to do something we try and do it. Also having something to aim for helps.

I am too feeling abit down today, August was the month we conceived Fi, and well I never thought about it much before the past few weeks. It will be 2 years ago, so I have been trying for 3 and half years. Its so depressing, I so hope I fall pg soon.

Hi everyone. Well we have our house back, my mum went home this morning. I'm a bit exhausted. There was also the comedy element of this being ov week, so trying to sneakily SWI! I'm a bit ambivalent about this month; the due date would be April I think, which is Merryns birthday month. Hmmm. I guess I just can't bring myself to miss a month of trying, and if it did happen this month then I think I could cope with it as much as I'm coping with anything.

POPPET, sorry you are having a tough time. It's a bit unpredictable isn't it? I know what you mean about ttc... It's hard enough anyway, but after what we've been through... I can't make myself believe it will ever happen even when I guess odds are it should, but it just seems so distant from my current reality. Have you anything to focus on today? Do you enjoy the Olympics?

MIA'S, have they linked you in with another team? I'm very impressed with your energy!

We are off on holiday properly on Thursday. DP and I are 'running away' for August to a friends house in Italy, camping through Europe on the way. Im not sure to the wisdom of this, but Merryn is with me there as much as anywhere. We made a promise when she died that we would live fully and well, and give the boys a good summer to remember the year Merryn was ours for a little while, so that's what we are doing. I'd so much rather be at home with her though. God I miss her.

Quiet on here today. How is everyone?

I'm having a sad time of it this morning... And, as well, I'm so worried that we might never have another little one. I know there isn't an answer to that. All we'll be able to do is hope and pray and do everything we can to get pregnant and have a healthy baby at the end of it; most of it is completely out of our hands.
But I do know something already about all the waiting and wondering, I recognise so much of it from when we were ttc before. So, I am of course also worried about coping with ttc plus grief. Although DH and I both recognise that it would be much harder NOT to try and then worry about wasting precious time, so we will make sure that we always try to find ways to minimise the stress.
Argh. As if it's not hard enough losing your child... life is so bloody complicated now

August I normally have minx on my toenails done professionally but as I couldn t get in to see my manicurist??? I found Sainsburys do some of their own .. They re ok if u re shoes are too small or tight ad they tend to come off then!!! However, at £6 a pop not bad...
Blue enjoy your nephew & holiday xxx 24 weeks ; excellant... Cx
Fan & Blizy know totally where you re coming from in 10 weeks time our Georgie should have been 2 ... Time is going too quickly ...
Miasmummy don t work too hard ; volunteering xxx
Hi all; had a busy but good weekend Ant's micro light flight cancelled again today , which was very handy as enabled us to tidy our shit tip of a house & pack for Paris ... Nightmare with all Phebs stuff!!!! Pampering was fab yesterday & I feel a little bit glamorous again now!!! Not looking foreward to fat club tomorrow though ad my scales showing I ve pig a couple of pounds on!!! Think the 4 lb loss last week was a total fluke , however I m still on target ( wanted 1.5 stones off by Euro-Disney & currently at 25 lbs off) so wr ll see!!!!
Wish I had all week off , bit bored with work at the moment!!! Anyhow ; back to 50 shades!!! Anyone else read it??? Xxxxx

Hi all! Hello Elly so sorry we have to meet.. thank you for the welcome. We have a 'similar' story in some ways, our little E was also oxygen deprived and died after two days. Strange to be so grateful for the time together yet so so desperately sad.

Blue congrats on 24 weeks! Have a lovely time with family x

Also thinking of all those who have anniversaries to deal with at the moment.

The tally of pregnant friends is now up to five Was ok though, I guessed and asked... feeling quite ambivalent about it at the moment - it's E I want, not anyone else's baby...
And yet I am definitely not ambivalent, just so thrilled for all of you on here who are pg!! Hello Miasmummy and thank you. I am so, so sorry about Mia. And I hope that this new little one arrives in spectacularly boring fashion. We are not yet ttc again (seven weeks tomorrow since E died, and I am not healed yet), but will be asap. It may be a long journey for us, but yes you are right, it's so helpful that others can guide us along it. Already, my response to hearing about a pg friend is - post on MN!

Lots of love to all.

Hello all. whatever Glued to the Olympics too, and loving the catch-up facility on the BBC website. Went to the rowing today, which was fab, and now desperately trying to grab any (cheap) tickets which are being released on a day-by-day basis. Also waiting to hear about a transfer to the Olympic village, to a new team, as my rowing team were very self-sufficient, and didn't need any help... the travel will be a pain, but desperately want to be involved.

I hope those big anniversaries passed gently - elly, fan and blizy. So unbelievable and shocking with each new one - well, that's what I have found.

august I haven't said congratulations on the arrival of little Adam yet!! So happy for you, and it's lovely to hear your news in these precious first few weeks.

kleine I am so sorry, I don't think I have properly welcomed you here yet. May you find a BFP very soon... I lost my beautiful Mia last October totally unexpectedly at the age of 13 months, and now I am 21 weeks pg with her little sibling. It is a challenging journey - but one, happily, that others here can show us all the way!

green hope the Olympics has helped take off the pressure off you with your mum this weekend. It's so hard and hurtful when someone who you want to be close to you isn't really there...

mecha you are brave, and very generous in enjoying the little babies of your friends. Hope you feel proud of this huge step.

blue enjoy Belgium and cuddles with your new nephew!!

wtw yes off to Belgium tomorrow afternoon, our flight is at 7.30pm from Manchester! E is really excited about flying!

We've all had a snooze this afternoon after my friend's wedding, she was stunning! Off to the evening reception soon! :)

Hi ladies Loving the Olympics here too! K and I have been glued to the gymnastics heats - she is desperate to learn how to do all the tricks now - inspire a generation - achieved

Adam sounds so sweet August are you home now? Make sure you do get some rest xx

24 weeks blue yay!! I remember getting there and feeling like I'd reached a good milestone. When are you off to Belgium? Tomorrow?

Hugs Fan Blizy and Elly monthly milestones are so hard. Can't believe our next one will be 1 year.

What a legacy Nancy has left Elly raising awareness is so important xx

Waves to all xx

Dp being a miserable lazy git at the moment. Don't know if it's his way of anxiety coming out but he is seriously pissing me off. I dont ever ask much of him but there's 1 or 2 things in the house/garden I just can't do right now and he just can't seem to be arsed. Grrrr.

Angel just read your post from Saturday and am curious as to what you mean by 'minx'?! Is it a typo? I didn't know you could get shop-bought versions of yr minx
Adam was awake all last night - he's so sweet that even when he does drop off I just sit there gazing at him! He's been asleep now since 6 so rather than wake him I've expressed some milk for him to have when he wakes - my boobs are so sore and engorged but he's feeding beautifully so all well worth it.

24 weeks today! :) At least when she gets born now, I get a birth certificate...

very excited and getting ready for one of my friends wedding this afternoon :)

15 months yesterday for us too blizy it just doesn't seam possible.

Hi elly, I know what you mean about finding things hard. Hope you are ok?

17 months since Zoe was born, how can that be? It still feels like it was last week.

Dh and I are off out into town tonight for his birthday, I'm taking him to a Turkish restaurant, hope it's good!
We are out again tomorrow night for dinner with mil, busy, busy, busy.