Rainbow Babies - hoping and trying for rainbows, loving and remembering our Angels xxx

Morning all!

I have had a really odd week, so have been hiding a bit. Spending lots of time with my friends babies, and although I can cope it does leave me a bit melancholy and thoughtful. I love my friends, so of course I love their children. And I am very grateful that the mum from the NNU wants me to be involved with her son's life. ~It really is an honour. But I can't help thinking why them and not me? I don't begrudge them their babies, but why can't I have mine? It just feels like I was never pregnant at all and nothing has changed, but really my life has flipped utterly upside down.

On a positive note I have been accepted into the clearblue trial! I applied weeks ago and hadn't heard anything so thought, fair enough. But they called yesterday and I am in.

So pleased at Britian's Silver medal in the eventing! Mary King and William Fox-Pitt have been my heros since I was little. Such exciting viewing.

I am sorry there have been so many bad days going on. Thinking about us all.

That last bit I meant about the cleaning and packing not SWI? Lol

green I'm sitting in the van at work should be working but like you don't have the willpower. Meeting is in half an hour. I know exactly what you mean about SWI, it can be hard and tough and pressure filled. It has kind of turned it into a job, but I can't seam to find a way to turn it into the pleasure it used to hold. No amount of sexy underwear will make it different really. We try not to talk about it too much, we just work out the time to do it and do it.
Maybe do a little bit of work evey hour to get stuff done, have the olympics on for some motivation?

Well, I have to pack and see two friends and their kids and clean the house before bed time. Can I be bothered with any of it today, no! I'll have my coffee, kiss my little girls photo, and find some sort of willpower. ( or maybe just more coffee)!
Sorry if this is tmi, but has anyone else found that ov week turns SWI into a bit of a chore? This will be the sixth pregnancy we have tried for, and even after MCs I don't remember feeling quite this way, (although I was aware of dates and ov testing). I think for the first time DP is also aware of what we are trying to do and how important it is, and it puts a different emphasis on DTD... Oh well, I guess everything else has changed, so that has to. I've still not had a poss ov test this month and on CD 16, I'm usually spot on day 14, so that's my new worry!

Morning to everyone.... BLIZY, good luck at the doctors, and FAN I hope the meeting at work goes well for you and your not worried about it.

hello quietiger. Yes, the prospect of a rainbow baby is exciting, yet it is also incredibly daunting. We are all here because we wish to honour the lives of the children we love, but have lost, and because we still have so much love to share with their rainbow siblings.

QUIET TIGER... I'm really sorry to hear about Samantha. My little girl Merryn was also born at 32 wks, but died six days later due to tumour that they couldn't find a way to remove. That was in April. We already have two DSs (I've also had two MCs), and are trying for another baby now.
Is it ok to wish you congratulations on your BFP?! Do you mean you have just tested? That's very exciting! I'm not surprised your feelings are a bit mixed up, we dont get be 'innocent' about pregnancy any more do we, but maybe we also appreciate it a bit more too! There are some very lovely ladies who have had or are expecting their rainbows who will be able to share their experiences with you.... Welcome to the thread!

welcome quiettiger so sorry to hear about your daughter Samantha. But congratulations on your BFP.
My daughter Ophelia was stillborn 15 months ago at 36 weeks, and Ive had two early miscarraiges since then.
How many weeks are you, or did you test before AF was due?

Have been lurking with intent on this thread, as we lost DD1 at 32 weeks on 22nd February - she was born sleeping.

Have just got a BFP this morning and I have to share with people who "get it". we are excited and scared and OMFG! I don't actually know how I feel. Sureal is a good word, as we still haven't fully come to terms with the loss of Samantha.

With her, I was completely over the moon about the pregnancy. With the news this morning, although DH and I are blown away with happiness at the prospect of a rainbow baby, I'm in shock.

Still, we have a BFP and it's a new dawn. :)

blizy thinking of you hope it goes well.

Green thanks my hairs's fine & always think I can grow it again if don t like it!!! Got sick of wearing it up all the time ( as have to wear it up for work!!)
Like u ; mega busy but damned work in the way!!! Meeting Ant at nursery tonight at 5 straight to do some shopping, get our euros , pack then , eventually home!!!! Thank god ; day off tomorrow but busy packing, tidying as want it done early as have to be up & gone by 03:00 on Fri am!!!
Damn work ...!!!
Miasmum that's exactly what I had scans & consultant appt every 4 weeks at the end .saw my MW every 2 weeks in between... I too worried like you , especially the weeken before my section date, that my waters had gone however, I did manage to hang on to my section date... Don t work too hard at the Olympics ... Xxxx
Blizy thinking of u today xxx
Love to all ; must get ready for work xxx

POPPET... Not read that book, but when I can I will. I've not read anything since Merryn. I can't do it, I think because I was on bed rest for so long and I read so much I associate it with that period of hell, but I miss it, I used to read all the time.
Glad your roots are sorted! I still have shameful eyebrows, but will get to them tommorow!

WTW, glad you had fun with K in the pool.... Another day gone!

FAN, glad work was a bit easier, although it sounds like your boss is being a bit off? Hope tomms meeting is ok. The Olympics does help doesn't it?!

ANGEL, hair sounds dramatically different? Are you pleased with it?

MIASMUMMY, wow, you have been a busy lady! I'm very jealous you went to the rowing, I didn't even get to watch it!
It sounds like your consultant is taking good care of you both? It's good you are getting checked so much, and I'm sure if you were worried they would scan to check too... But it all sounds good! Normal labour is sore but your body kind of takes over and I don't think anyone is ever prepared really, it is so different each time! ( my first was rough but not too long, my second was a hoot, serious laughter in a birthing pool and three pushes, and they were both over 9 pounds too, but I know I was exceptionally lucky. Merryn was a cs). X

BLIZY, how are you lovely? Will be thinking about you tommorow, I hope you will find it helpful.

I am squeezing in seeing friends tommorow, but also have to clean rest of house and pack, so it's going to be busy! I just hope tommorow finds me in a state where I can face it. It's still a bit unpredictable. I need a good day.

Night all x

miasmummy Olympics sound very exciting.
You seem to be having lots of reassurance and monitoring. I've only had one extra scan then midwife every six weeks. All seems okay though, so I'm leaving it that so that I can minimise my time in hospital/doctors.
I haven't met my consultant yet but I've been told to expect an elective section too.

wtw not long now, I'm keeping you in my thoughts.x
kleine hi, I hope you're keeping okay.xx
Hi to everyone else, I'm off to bed in the hopes that the indigestion I had last night doesn't return.x

Hello all. A busy few days - went to the rowing on Sunday, a wedding yesterday, then rowing again this morning, before visiting the consultant this afternoon, and I start my new volunteer role at the Olympic village tomorrow... baby's heartbeat is good, I seem to be healthy, and the consultant has booked me in for extra scans at 28, 32 and 36 weeks, with midwife visits in each two week period between. Do you think that this sounds reasonable?

Now my new worry is that the baby will come earlier than the ELCS at 39 weeks, and as I have no experience of normal labour, worried I won't be mentally prepared for this and I will panic... but the consultant has told me that it is physically possible for me, and while not in our plan, I should think about it, just in case - but that a ELCS is still most likely, unless I am too far gone in labour.

whatever keep busy, keep busy!! watch the Olympics, take K on trips, just try not to dwell on that downward thought spiral. But if you are worried, please do get checked out , to give you peace of mind. xx

Hello to everyone else

fan definitely worth a read. I am a real bookworm and my response to E's death was, 'I'm going to need books...'. Have a small pile of things by my bed which I dip in and out of. All really helpful. Also have a book on trying again after loss.
Hope work is ok tomorrow.
wtw glad you had a nice swim!
Night all, early night for me, sleep well x

Kleine must be a day for it!!! Just had my long hair cut short ; time for a change!!! Colours done just before my hols in Sept... Xxx I ve read that book too.. Cx
Green xxx
Fan hope work were ok? I work with a fab bunch of people , by & large, & a few times since I returned , after Georgie & Phebs I ce knocked off early or taken unplanned leave as was in no fit state to work.. Hope they re supportive? Cx
Blizy good luck tomorrow ... Well done , you ve done the hard part : asking for help. So, hope counselling helps you the way it did me xxxx
Wtw you are totally & utterly normal. Remember my mantra;for today I am pg... As well documented here I Mentalled the week leading up to Phebs was in & out of hospital most of thd week!!! Lots of scans, traces & appts with my consultant & then I was admitted with ???? Broken waters... I kept myself busy & I worked up to 10 days before my section date. My circumstances were slightly different as I had Georgie's bday the week before I had Phebs to contend with so , to some extent , that focussed my mind elsewhere... You will be fine soon you ll be cuddling your loud , kicking, screaming rainbow & all this worry & stress will evaporate.... Think how you felt 8,7,6 months ago thinking you d never make it this far & you have... No reason to think shit will happen again.... Another day done now.... 1 day at a time ... Take care chicken xxxxx
Hi all; hope everyone's feeling a little brighter today ... Work busy , hairdresser just gone , knacked ... Back off to fifty shades!!!

wtw my boss told me off for having my phone on silent and I have to meet with personel tomorrow morning just for a chat. I did ok today really forced myself to get with stuff and I listened to the olympics on five live to distract which did help.
I'm glad you got a distraction today.

poppet I might look up that book myself, sounds interresting.

Thank you for the reassurance ladies. Been swimming with K and my nieces today so that's distracted me (and was lovely to be weightless! ) I just struggle to remember K's pregnancy as it was 5yrs ago and like you green I was totally naive, blissfully unaware. And I don't trust my memory from Erin's pregnancy as I feel like everything was a sign of how poorly she was but I didn't notice.

Hope the pampering has lifted your spirits green and Kleine xx

Hope work didn't give you too much grief fan?

green have you read Empty Cradle, Broken Heart? It's excellent... would really recommend it if you haven't. What you said about making the choice for Merryn reminded me of it; it has chapters on all sorts of things (including parenting after losing a child...) but it talks about those of us who had to make a choice - we did too, whether or not to continue ventilation and treatments in the light of E's massive injury - having to make an impossible choice between 'terrible' and 'horrible'. Neither option is what you'd ever, ever choose for your child. Anyway, that's helped me a bit.
Hope the cupboard clearing continues apace and that you have the chance for beautifying yourself later too. My roots are no longer white

POPPET... Know what you mean about the white bits! I had mine cut the other day, which was well over due. Tonight I plan to do my eyebrows and paint my toenails, I might feel a little more human if I look a little more like me! I think I've aged about ten years in the last two! Glad you are having an easier day.

I'm clearing out my cupboard, and found my pregnancy diary from my oldest DS. I can't believe how innocent I was. Everything is so possitive and excited and, well, young! I remember how much effort i put into his room and making things for him, with no thought to any possible problems. I just am not the same person anymore. I read something when I studied that said every child gets a different mother. I think thats so true. I hope if I'm lucky enough to have another I can find some joy to bring to the pregnancy like I did with DS1 and 2, and the 'different' mother they get is still able to be possitive and optimistic about life. I try to be this way for my boys, but it's largely an act for now, Merryns pregnancy was full of unmitigated terror from 19 weeks. I couldn't do that again. They asked when they found the lump whether we would want to end the pregnancy, I don't think I made the right decision for her, but we had to try.

Lots of love to you green and glad you are doing a little better today. Me too. In fact I am even contemplating dyeing my hair (the white bits are starting to show again...!). xxx

wtw I only have one experience of pregnancy but sounds just the same! My little E was completely fine and normal until just before she was born at 42 weeks - and I do remember the change of movements late in the pregnancy - it was more like she was pushing out than constantly kicking, and I would watch my belly rolling from side to side when she moved an arm or a leg.
As the others have said, I do hope you somehow find things to keep your mind a little bit occupied. I can't imagine... but yes you are nearly nearly there! xxx

Today is a little better than the afternoon of misery that was yesterday... I can't believe it still hits me so hard. I guess it always will. Thanks for the kind words, and I hope the others feeling grotty are having an easier day today?

My oldest DS was in tears last night, really thinking about Merryn, and that he wouldn't be her brother. I explained to him that he always would, but he doesn't take this sort of comfort, and was very direct in saying she was dead and gone, and what good was that, he wanted her here! I love how kids can just say it. He started talking about her, and ended talking about Harry potter and Lego. I love him. I hate that his sister will never have him, he'd have been amazing with her. I'm so proud of how my boys are doing.

X posts green.

wtw sorry I can't give you any reasurrance. Hopefully angel or cheese will be along soon. Remember angels mantra today I am pregnant. Your nearly there, I know this must be really hard for you. Have you got lots of things to distract u today?

WTW, YES it's normal my love! Both of my boys did this, and they were huge and healthy and fine! This is a good thing, your baby is planning her arrival! She might have butterflies too, a big day is just around the corner for her, she gets to see and hug her mummy! This is all normal, it's all going exactly as it should. Not long now, you've been so brave, just let the time pass.... I bet August didn't believe it until she had Adam wriggling in her arms, but there he is! Try to distract yourself as much as possible if you can, or you'll be worn out just when you need energy for those night feeds! You are fine, you will be fine. Xxxx