Rainbow Babies - hoping and trying for rainbows, loving and remembering our Angels xxx

that was meant to say if england score!

green dont be sorry Im just a bit emotional! DH has gone to watch the football in the pub, I said I will stay at home, if England, not sure what Im going to be like lol. (hes a scotland supporter by the way and hates England lol)
I talk to Fi sometimes, Im not religious in anyway, but when she was lying in her crib at the hospital and we had decided to say our goodbyes, DH left me alone, and I said to her that I would find a place that was beautiful to spread her ashes, and her atoms would join the ether and make the world beautiful. I do beleive that her atoms are out there making new life.
One year on and I can say for me its easier, its easier in that I carry the grief in a different way now, I still cry for her and have black moments, but alot of the time I can smile about my baby. And talking to DH last night we said that maybe still not being pregnant after a year was a blessing in disguise, we have mourned for her for a year and now I feel totally ready for a baby again, emotionally and physically. Not to say that I wouldnt have been chuffed that beanbag or bungle would have survived, but I think maybe their pregnacies would have been tougher because of all the first anniversaries I would have had to go through.
I guess what I trying to say also is I dont get hit by those trains of grief , that used to hit me so often in the first 9 months. But everyone are different, just go wtih what feels right for you.

matilda you are very welcome on this thread, and it is the least I can do to offer some comfort to others who are going through the heartache of the death of their babies. Woolly hugs is an amazing thing, a couple of mums on here have woollyhugs blankets and I know they give them comfort, I hope yours does for you when you receive it.

Hello all. Sorry to barge in to your lovely thread, but I just wanted to say a big thank you to Greengoose and Fanjo. I lost my little boy Daniel six weeks ago and I was just reading my blanket thread and recognised your names. I read your lovely posts about Merryn greengoose shortly after I lost Daniel and when I saw your name as the last poster on this thread I thought I'd pop in to say hello and that I'm so touched that you are contributing to the blanket. Your post made me cry too! Knowing that parts of the blanket will have been made by women who have experienced this awful loss really does make it even more special. You've inspired me to learn to knit so that I can do the same for someone else a bit further along the line. Thank you ladies XXX

Thank you TOO.... I really need to know things will not always feel so nightmarish. This is too difficult to last indefinitely, I hope. I speak to Merryn too, I didn't think I would, and to be honest I don't really believe in any afterlife, but I still need to have some link to her, and it helps a little. I wish I was religious or something, I can see that would help.

Fan, sorry we're all making you cry!

Fathers day....hmmmm.
I'm completely bloody determined that I will make it good for dp, but how the hell I'm going to cope with it I'm not sure. I usually struggle a bit anyway because of my dad having passed when I was young. We are doing it tommorow, (plans on Sunday), and the boys are making pancakes for breakfast and burgers for tea. They decided they would pick some flowers from the garden from them and Merryn. they have drawn pictures and made cards. I know how lucky I am. I really do. I just know how very badly my amazing dp loved his little girl, and that he secretly has always wanted a girl to compete his family. I always thought she would be my gift to him this year.....so the pancakes will be a bit bitter sweet, but they are from our wonderful boys, and we will smile and cry, like most days.

green just read your post on matildas blanket thread, and I'm in floods again. Just can't help it. Might not be a sympton though as I can be quite emotional before AF.

If this isn't a symptom then I'm very hormonal but too your post has me is floods of tears also!

It does get easier, I promise you, Green. It's bloody hard going and a long journey, but when you have your rainbow baby some of the pain is eased. I still have dark days where I just feel so cheated by life, but Maia helps immeasurably. I've had 14 weeks of Maia and that's so much more than I got with Thea. I've laid to rest some of my demons (the ones about whether I can actually carry a baby and deliver her safely) and the others are less prevalent. I still talk to Thea a lot - when I tell M she's my beautiful baby and the best baby in the whole wide world, I usually add 'and so is Thea, I have two beautiful babies and they're both best' just in case Thea's listening.

Angel, I asked for a CS when they told me Thea had died too, but they wouldn't let me either. And like you I'll be having CS with any future babies as well. I don't think I can manage labour without panicking, as Thea died during it. Besides, the sheer speed of CS delivery was amazing - no time to panic because there she was!

green your post has made me cry, you will have that baby, if not this cycle or the next it will happen. The girls on here are testement that it does happen.

Hi Fan... Sorry you are feeling rough still. We are only one day out on our cycles... AF is due day 28 for me, this Sunday. ( although after Merryn I'm not sure if I'll go back to 28 days or not, just hoping its all still working)! I have tested (just once or twice), and got bfn, so I'm out this month. Good luck to those still in....

Went out with some mum friends today and one of them told me she's 7 wks preg. I'm so happy for her, but so sad for Merryn and me. That group of friends all have little girls and it was hard to keep positive all morning watching them play.

I just want to be pregnant again (still). It's not as it should be. I really hope it happens soon for us. Not knowing if it will happen at all is agony. I finished a blanket last week that I had planned for Merryn. I don't have a baby to give it too, but I needed to do it for her and me. I need a real baby to fill the room and the baby grows and the pram and the new car seat. Merryn already fills my heart and always will, but my arms still ache. This is just so bloody hard isn't it? Is this as good as it gets, or will it get any easier? I spent today pretending to be there, my heart and thoughts were with my girl.

elly I used to have a 32 -34 day cycle now its more like 29-30. So we shall see, I have experienced late AF after illness before, so we shall see. I was nearly sick this morning, like I used to be when pg. Im trying not to think to much about it but it can be hard.

Oh remember Caz did she write a blog? I dipped in & out of that thread previously ...
Blue .... We ll be there about 12 ish as I ll need to feed Phebs & meet up with my folks. Do u want to meet before the service or after? Xxx
Hi all.
Love to all xxx

Moomins I hope you can get some housing sorted very quickly! how annoying that the letter went missing! Moving house planned is stressful already never mind having to move at such short notice...

Can't remember who's coming to the Sands Open day tomorrow? was it blizy and angel? how are we going to meet up? Don't have a clue whether there will be a lot of people and wouldn't want to miss you ladies! x
There is another lady from MN coming too, fioled who used to be Caz is coming with her DH and her rainbow boy.

Going to the docs later, feel so rough and tired and everyone keeps saying I look really tired, had enough, I want it sorted!
My vicar said yesterday I should ask for a week off, but not sure whether that is going to help as I will only have more time on my hands to worry about this pregnancy...

Well I'm back to work, don't feel great but fed up with sitting on the sofa, but wished I did. Oh well just get on with it I guess. CD27 today not sure if I feel unwell because of that or because I'm still not better. Not sure, I am really hoping I am pg. Might test monday morning before work so I can arrange stuff at work again.

How you feeling elly any symptoms?

blizy hope you are enjoying the south coast. Enjoy monkey world.

Hi everyone. Sorry I've been quiet for a while. Tough few days.... Not sure why. I think the whole ttc thing is a bit difficult. I hadn't realised how desperate I was to be pregnant... And I don't think I am yet (not that I would expect it really on the first try).

I'll try to read back now.

Cheese... I'm so sorry I got Scarlett's name mixed up. Crap of me. I know how important these things are to me, and I should have taken more care....

Thank you Mia'sMummy....xx

Oh I definitely know fan meant nothing by it. Just touched a nerve as I stupidly feel a bit sad that I'll never have another vaginal birth but like you angel just want her here safely by whatever means.

Glad you're back home safe

Blizy Lulworth is beautiful, hope the weathers okay there. Are you going to monkey world tomorrow? xx

Good luck Blizy cx
Whatever I had a vaginal delivery with Georgie ( though I asked for a section when they told me she had died) & an elective section with Phebs & do not feel 1 minute of guilt. Don t think for 1 minute fan meant anything by the post. it's very nicely written , very moving but in all honesty I didn t give a monkeys how Phebs arrived as long as she did alive & safely... I would have a section if I had another in a shot. Xxx
Fan hope u re picking up? Cx
Moomin hope u get something sorted. Cx
Hope everyone else is well? Xxx
Home now had a lovely day & of course was lovely & sunny when we left but after another crap night ( Phebs awake from 02.15-04:00) not settling & whinging we needed to come home!!!
Now enjoying lovely hot bath , Phebs bathed ( only shower at the caravan) I never feel entirely clean when staying elsewhere!!! Hitting my lovely warm bed & hopefully Phoeberella is knackered enough to sleep through!!!!
Love to all xxx

Jut a quicky,

Wtw- I'm staying in Lullworth cove tonight. It's very nice! Hope you are feeling better?

I got my first peak on the cbfm today. Dh and I have made a lot of use of our time together this week.. Let's hope it works.

Fan- hope you are feeling better?

Better get off we are just heading down for dinner.

Hope you are all well. X

Thanks macinahat will try them. The court papers say that they hand delivered the notice, when dp rang them and said you can't have done, we didn't get them why didn't you send them recorded delivery. They said they didn't have to. They had a copy of the notice that is proof

moomins i'd speak to someone at Citizens advice. I used to work in a legal department and we had to send important documents relating to warnings by recorded delivery to show proof that it had been done and that the person had received it. It should buy you some time to look around . I agree also with suggestion to try local authority, my friend was made homeless in same way you are and she got social housing (really nice new build) after a period of time in temporary accomodation ( not B&B just a place that was too small for them long term). Definitely worth a try.

I'm not sure, were struggling to find something in the area that we can afford and is suitable at such short notice. Someone said try the local housing authority as we are being made homeless. They also have private landlords that won't take large deposits. I think I'll go and ask their advice tomorrow.

wtw please don't feel guilty, your circumstances are so different.

Oh Fan of course you didn't - it was just the bit about 'honouring your child with a vaginal birth' It's my own guilt coming out! x