Rainbow Babies - hoping and trying for rainbows, loving and remembering our Angels xxx

So tired Phebs cough, splutter,cough last night .... Roll on 4:30!!!!
Blizy hope u sort it out with your dad... I still feel like my head is going to explode just trying , slowly, to work through stuff again.i m getting to the point where talking about it all hurts too much & thinking it over again hurts too much.thr whole period of loosing Georgie has again become too painful where as before it was manageable...
Might refer myself back to my counsellor if I don t feel better soon ...
Really don t want to go to work today , however, day off tomorrow yeh!!! Xxc

I didn't do anything for Dh to mark fathers day ( he didn't want to). I am feeling very guilty about it.

Angel- hope pheobe is ok? I am feeling the same way, very emotional today. Don't think it has helped that I had a bust up with my dad earlier.

Blue- hope you are having some snuggles with your Dh.

Spilt- got you on fb. Glad Freya is doing well.

Fan- how are you today?

Sorry I cant reply to everyone, I'm on my phone and have forgot loads!

U too Spilt xxx
Too I also forgot to add Georgie's name on his fathers's day card & too feel crap ...

blue has pm'd me some of your RL names so if someone with the initials DR and a pic of a baby trying to eat broccoli tries to add you... it's spilt
Might take me a while, am rubbish at fb!
And I think Freya is waking. Night all, take care and sleep well. Ha! If you aren't being kicked by a baby either in utero or in bed next to you.

We've also got a pictures of Sterre's name in the sand and also have it on canvas! And one of E from last year when she was bridesmaid at my sister's wedding, so have both DD's up on the wall..

Accepted split this is the website to get names written in the sand. I love it - we printed it on to canvas and is proudly in our living room.

wtw found you, just sent you a request, am DR. Gorgeous sand pic, the colours are stunning. DH said how pretty it is too.

angel argh yes I have done that too... the frustration at Freya not appreciating how great it is that she's alive! It must be really hard to have a friend's baby so close in age to Georgie, a constant "this is what she would be like now"

Thanks for listening all.

wtw I didn't have the GTT but my hospital are crap and giving you results unless you ask so I would always say phone and make sure you've got them!

Forgot to say I had a blood test a couple of weeks ago and they found my thyroid (underactive) was v.unhappy and quite undermedicated so have quadrupled my thyroxine dose. Whoop!! It's been like a caffiene trip, bags of energy for a few days, fab, got loads done

Oh Spilt. It is so hard. I wrote a Father's Day card for DH when I was distracted - I was trying to get Maia to hold the pen while I wrote and she kept letting go - and it wasn't until he'd opened it and gave me a funny look that I realised I hadn't put Thea on it. Then I wanted to add her name on and I felt like the worst mummy in the world.

Oh, and if anyone is tempted to read The Red House by Mark Haddon, be warned, there is a stillborn baby in it. I've just started it (why?) and it is making me cry a lot. Maybe I should stop. It's not just the baby, it is dysfunctional families in general. I want Maia to grow up in a perfect family where nothing bad will ever happen...

spilt I would have been angry as well! Why don't people understand?
I was cuddled up with DH in bed this morning, he had his hand on my belly and little one was kicking away... and he could feel it... I was so happy and so sad at the same time! As last year DH never was able to feel Sterre...
I told him this morning, you're a daddy of three now :) how I longed for 2 little girls to give him cuddles in bed this morning

Angel hope little Phebs feels better soon! x

Thanks Blue sorry it's been such a hard day... The year s seem so full of anniversaries now & not always nice ones. U too have a really cute daughter... Glad u ve had lots of cuddles. Love to u all & Sterre... Xxx
Fan your kittens sound cute... So exciting xxx
Spilt hi... Know exactly where you re coming from. Today, as Phebs is full of cold shes been quite whingy & unsettled . I love her totally & utterly but I have found myself thinking " do u know how lucky you are to be here?" & " Georgie never got this/ these chances" then I feel guilty as its not Pheb's fault I just seem to be going round in circles ,mentally. I look at my friend's little girl whose 2 months younger than Georgie & it hurts.... I think this weekend , the service, has bought all these feelings to a head , some of the rawness is back.
It's so hard ...to separate the 2 of my girls & my emotions yet on the other hand they shouldn t be seperated!!!!!
Love to u Freya & Bobbie. Like u I can t believe in Oct it ll be 2 years since we lost Georgie. 2 years doesn t seem right???!!!
Whatever home stretch ... You re nearly there remember:1 day at a time... You ve done more time than you ve got left!!!( sounds like a prison sentence!!) xxxx
Love to all; had to nip Phebs up to the walk in centre just was sounding a bit raspy but her chest clear ; no chest infection at the moment so we ll see. Setting off to work & nursery tomorrow ... Mmm... See how long we re there!!! Xxxx

spilt hugs to you, I feel a year is too long, two years seams impossible. And some people have no clue, why would they need to say that at all even!
You can pm me your name aswell and I will see if I can find you.

Lovely to 'see' you spilt I think your post perfectly sums up the agony and ecstasy of being an angel and an earth mummy. It's bloody tough, sometimes feels like you are right back at square one whilst everyone else has skipped merrily ahead. But we do understand. Freya sounds an absolute delight. Glad the house sale is moving along but I know you had reservations about leaving the house that is filled with Bobbie memories, she lives in your hearts though so will be with you wherever you go xx

Once blue has added you on fb find me in her friends list. My initials are LS and my profile pic is Erin's name written in the sand.

Blue hope dh is home soon for a cuddle

Those who have had the GD test - had mine Wednesday - do you think they would have called by now if there was a problem??

sorry blue, cross posted in annoyance! Will do x

OFFS, PIL have just phoned and said to DH "Happy fathers day! Your first one!" Errr, no. Twats. Last year he had been a father for 8 months already, and I was nearly 7 months pg with our SECOND daughter

spilt how lovely to see you again! and glad to hear little Freya is doing so well!

PM me your name and surname and profile pic description and I'll see if I can add you...

oh and I can vouch that Angel's Phebs is a real little cutie!
Big hugs for you! x

Hello everyone! Sorry to be so absent, was busy for a bit and then missed the new thread, but now I have found you and had a bit of a read and catch up.

The SANDS service sounds really lovely, and something we will probably try and get to next year. So I can get organised, what are the stones like? Love that some of you got to meet up, but that must also be quite weird too to suddenly find people and faces at the other end of the mnet names you've been chatting too for so long! Those of you who FB, I'd love to add you, erm, how do you find people??

blue thinking of you today, what a hard day - the 1yr and fathers day all in one. ((hugs))

So pleased to "see" all the growing bumps, I vividly remember how emotionally straining pregnancy was, and how endless it felt. So proud of us all, we are all so brave to be here.

angel it sounds like your little Phebs is a right cutie

We are finally getting towards exchange of contracts for the house move, it seems like solicitors operate veeeery slowly!

Something, possibly the house move, possibly the fact that it is now over 2 years since I fell pg with Bobbie, possibly fathers day, not sure what, but I am really finding it all very tough again
There's not much more to say than that I suppose, over the last 20 months I think I've said nearly all there is to say. I'm just left with the deep long emptiness and heaviness and sadness, and just at the moment I'm finding it's sitting very heavy on me and I feel really rubbish and low. I miss her so much, it's been so long. And yet it shocks me that it will soon be 2 years since she died. That sounds so long ago, how can so much time have passed?? Even the passing of time is getting me down, it feels like it is taking her further and further away from me and I don't want to forget. I don't want to be separated by this huge swathe of time. It pains me too that others are forgetting.

That's quite a depressive waffle - it's not all like that, but this is one of the only places I feel I can share the crappy bits too. So, on the positives:

I feel so so lucky to have my gorgeous little Freya, she is the thing that keeps me going, love love love the cheeky grin and the happy squealing when I chase her across the lounge, the way she trots with her walker sticking her legs out straight either side of her, the little bald head as she still has no hair!, the way she snuggles me all night long, the blissed out look when she falls off the boob fast asleep, the way she gets huffy if I'm too slow refilling her porridge spoon for her. She's worth every second of the anxiety and fear of the pregnancy. She makes me so happy.

I just miss my Bobbie so much, it gnaws away at me.

thanks ladies! :)
sipping a cuppa tea and working my way through a box of Belgian chocolate seashells... that should do the trick.
Went into E's room and gave her a big cuddle, I love talking to her when she's asleep, or half asleep and tell her how much I love her, also said sorry again for shouting at her.
Just wish DH could be home already for a cuddle... the day seems to drag on so long when he's at work.

fan love your kitten's names!

Just been to see our kittens, they can come home with us in two weeks! So excited! We have changed their names and have decided on Banquo for the big tabby boy and Mrytle for the black little girl.

blue thinking of you and Sterre, a candle is lit here tonight.

Oh Blue what a hard day today must have been. Hope the cuddles with Ella helped a bit. As Blizy says don't be too hard on yourself. Thinking of lovely Sterre tonight xxx

Oh blue- don't be too hard on yourself. Thinking if you and precious Sterre xx

I had a tough day today... a year ago on the 17th we found out at my 20 week scan Sterre had died... and on Father's day a year ago I was in hospital in labour with her.
DH had to work this afternoon so was alone with Ella, she's been as good as gold, but earlier she dropped a collection pot with money that she knows she is not allowed to play with and I just lost it with her... shouted really loud and sent her upstairs to go and tidy up. She'd been playing nicely all afternoon but had of course made a huge mess... Once I'd calmed down I went upstairs and found her on our bed drying her tears. We had a big cuddle and then tidied up together.

Glad all you ladies had a lovely time at the Sands service. Would definitely like to go next year.

So sorry AF got you Fan I'm not surprised you're feeling low. It must be so hard. Big hugs - how are you feeling today? xx

Green I can imagine that must be a hard letter to read. When Erin's full post mortem report came through I found it hard to read xx

Well I'm 29 weeks now so 8 ish weeks to go. Feels like a lifetime still, just wish I could press fast forward.

Arh Fan I wondered who it was!!! I ve accepted you!!!! Sorry you feel crap I m willing with every part of my soul for your BFP xxx eat, drink & not be merry but pissed as hopefully, last time for a while!!!
Green do whatever is best for you.xx file stuff away until you re ready xxx
Elly xxx sending you love xxx
Blue lovely to meet you. Sorry we didn t get much chance to talk. Your daughter's a real cutie!!! I ll have them monster munch next time!!! We re going to order a proper stone from the Internet for next year , get organised. The garden really is lovely isn t it? Xxxx
Blizy glad you got back safely. Again, sorry we didn t have much chance to talk? Hope u were ok? It's quite chocking isn t it? I cracked when they played Eva Cassidy as that's what my mum choose for us to leave the crematorium to. My mum's not listened to it in 18 months since Georgie's service. Luckily she had Phebs with her so think that helped. Your ( DH) stone is beautiful you put us to shame. I was talking to a lady from SANDS I m contacting her on Wed to arrange to do some volunteer work I'd like to help in a small way if I can.
We got home about a hour ago stayed at the aboretum for a while my bro served in Iraq & my folks laud some flowers at their plague as 2 of his mates were killed. Then went for tea to treat my dad for fathers day...
Truely knackered now. Phebs good as gold . Thanks for your lovely comments about her.....
All in all : nice but sad day. So many sad people , it's not right.
Love to all xxxxx

blizy it was really nice meeting you even though we didn't have a proper chance for a chat! Zoe's stone looks fabulous! Well done to your DH!
Ella is beautiful :) even though I say so myself but she can be a real madam too

thanks girls, I had a lovely mexican meal prepared by DH, I love Mexican! And a Kinder egg (my guilty pleasure) DH has made me feel better like he always does, hes said that maybe we didnt hit the zone properly and we shall really give it a go this month.

green does Merryn have a memory box? We have one for Ophelia and we have put everything in it that has something to do with her, including her post mortem results, her stillbirth cerfiticate etc. I have not read everything I have put in there but I thought it should all go in there, its all about her and those documents are about her. One day maybe I shall read them.

blizy Zoe's stone is beautiful really does her proud.

angel sent you a friend request on FB hope you dont mind.

blizy and Elly I have eveything crossed for you that this is your month.