Rainbow Babies - hoping and trying for rainbows, loving and remembering our Angels xxx

wtw

I know that colossal whoosh of relief when you finally get a thumping, I usually would cry/near panic attack. It's such a bloody horrible time tbh, the tension and stress is truely immense, and it's only when the pg is over that you realise just how stressed you've been for so long.

For me the anxiety hit fever pitch at about 16-17 weeks and was totally mental until we got through the 20 week scan - but that was where we lost Bobbie, so it was probably to be expected that that would be tremendously frightening. If I'm honest I know I was terribly afraid all the way to the end, but also I must have blanked a lot of the memory as I couldn't be very specific about it now, I can't recall much detail. I know I dopplered every morning to check she'd survived the night, and I refused to get out of bed until I felt some good movements (was late to work quite a lot!) - so I guess that tells you how paranoid I was. I was constantly keeping hand on my bump to feel for movements. I was frequently hysterical. I stopped work at 30 weeks which was right for me - I had no headspace or energy left for work , I really needed to concentrate on the pg. Once on mat leave I felt a lot "safer" because I had the freedom to pay attention to movements all day long and could go to hospital at the drop of a hat should I feel the need (I know I could have left work if worried, but I didn't feel I could).

That's prob not a helpful post, but just wanted to say I remember how scary it was, the stress is tremendous, you'll feel like you can't take anymore, like your head will actually explode, but you'll get there. And once she's here, the pg will fade away and you won't think about it very much anymore. It will feel like a colossal weight has been lifted. Counting the days with you xx

(Sorry, just noticed my typo - should of course say miasmummy)

Oh blue how horrible, I feel really angry for you. I had something similar happen to me about 2 weeks after Bobbie died and was born. I still go hot and cold remembering how aggressive and cruel the woman was. It was a nag over something that should have been done already in a voluntary role I had. But obviuosly I was 2 weeks post babyloss, signed off work, couldn't leave the house I was in such a godawful state, and was in no state to be doing this other role either. I didn't defend myself, I just couldn't I felt so fragile, I also had no intention of sharing my baby with the bitch by saying why I hadn't done the stuff. After she hung up I had a panic attack followed by a several hour sob fest. It is rubbish. You feel so vulnerable and defenceless just at these times, and upset yourself about it long after the other person has forgotten. Could your vicar have a quiet word with the woman and explain the situation and hopefully make her feel a bit remorseful??
Don't let this tarnish yesterday for you. You did nothing wrong, you did everything you should have done regarding work and it was absolutely right that you took the day to have as a tribute to your little Sterre xx

green your poor little boy, such a confused time. His song is so sweet, that must have made you well up.

fan can't wait to see pics of your kittens soon!

maismummy great news on the nuchal results and at the lovely sound of baby heartbeats We recorded Freya's, and sad nut that I am, I was listening to it again the other day sentimentally. Clippity clop, clippity clop aaaaww

All fine here, I think we had tentative first unaided steps this evening! More of a shuffle really, but she definitely moved her feet freestyle

Merryn would have been 10 weeks today. Not an important day for anyone to remember... But it's 10 weeks. Goodness, how can it have been so long ago that she was in me, and then gone?

Love you Merryn. Xx

wtw hugs to you too. I hope the rainbow mums will be on here soon with words of wisdom to get you through.

blue I echo what green and angel have said. But I will also add, that maybe this seams so big to you because of Sterres birthday, and also becuase you are so stressed about your current pg. I think its a good idea to get signed off work for a while. I would be blunt with this person as well, but maybe if you don't feel like ringing her or seeing her then either get DH to do it or write her a letter?
But really this is not a big deal, you had booked your time off and arranged cover its not your fault that the cover did not turn up. This person should be having a go at your cover.
Your emotions are running high, which is understandable. Rest up and take your mind off this episode, watch some really rubbishy movies and eat plenty of chocolate.

Oh blue great big hugs What an insensitive cow. I can't abide people who can't see past their own problems. You have done nothing wrong at all. You booked a day off and you don't have to justify it to anyone. You are feeling understandably fragile right now. Book at doctors appt some time off might be just what you need.

Yay for new kittens fan I've seen the pics on fb they look ever so sweet.

Waves green angel and everyone - how are we all?

I've just had another complete meltdown. Didn't feel little one move for about 2 hours despite cold drinks, chocolate, lying on left side, poking etc - was on the verge of calling the hospital when she gave me a big wallop in the ribs and a few more since. Scary horrid thoughts in my head. I feel like a nervous wreck at the moment. Those ladies who've been here - did you find the anxiety ramped up at around the 30 week mark? Don't know how I'm going to get through 7 more weeks. Scared

Blue be direct ... Tell them to pee off & you were doing something much more important. Sorry but I m going to pee u off here but bloody god bothers I can t be doing with them. There's more to life & you ve far more important stuff to concentrate on.
Green hope u re managing? Cx
Fan hope u re feeling better? X
Whatever have a good cry , let it out cx
Miasmummy excellant so glad alls going well.it truely is lovely to hear your baby's HB... Cx
Hi all ; busy here, work same old... Glad its the weekend. So want a lie in , well up at 07:30 instead of 6!!!
Love to all xxx

Stop blaming yourself..... It's not your fault, really it's not. I think if you were feeling stronger you'd take less notice of this. Sterre's name is beautiful, and you know it's perfect for your little one, you explained to me why you chose it and I remember without even knowing you...... If this woman doesnt then thats her loss and her mistake, not yours.
You need to think that you did explain, and you did things correctly. It's not you. It's really really far more important you look after yourself. This is honestly a storm in a teacup, and you will be less robust than usual that's all. People will usually understand, and if they don't that's not your fault my love, please see that ok? Somebody wise on this thread told me that anaversarries are often less difficult than the 'empty' days around them. I think that's true. On the 'big' days our little ones are somehow more 'here' for a little while, and other people think of us and them. The days after the world keeps turning and we are left with our grief and our reality. I will think of your little Sterre this evening, because the ordinary days matter too. Please be gentle with yourself....

Maybe I should have been more direct. I just said it was Sterre's birthday. Maybe she forgot? Or didn't understand? I know some people look at me strangely when I pronounce Sterre's name as it is not English...
Maybe I should have said, I have taken a day off because last year I gave birth to a dead baby! Maybe then she would have apologised and let it go?

Blue.... You poor thing... What a day. Did that woman not HEAR you explain why you were off? This is not your problem, and it's not important. What's important is that you had a lovely day with people you love remembering your little girl. Don't let anyone spoil that, ok? You should take some time off if you can, your work will go on without you, right now you are what is important and you need to put yourself first. ( I'm thinking baths, books, back rubs, chocolate, films, daydreams, good food.... ). Breath deeply and let the little stuff go, you know what's important. Your doing so well, don't let people with no understanding upset you. Xx

I need a rant...
I come home from a whole day school trip to the Holocaust Centre (so pretty tough day), E not feeling very well having a temperature. (just to set the scene)
One of my volunteers of afterschool club phones me (she's also our deputy church warden) to tell me how angry and disappointed she is that I wasn't there yesterday and didn't let her know and they didn't have enough people and nothing was prepared for after school club. I apologise and said I had arranged a day off and why, and that I had asked our church warden, who is also a volunteer to cover for me. I had arranged this a few weeks ago. Apparently she wasn't there and only turned up at a certain time, other people stayed to help to cover and it was all quite chaotic. Apparently the church warden also didn't know why I wasn't there.
I just kept on apologising, which I shouldn't have, as far as I knew, I had told the right people, it's not my fault they forgot they were going to cover. She just kept saying that she was really angry and then at the end said I will see you Sunday then.
I hung up the phone and broke down crying.
DH said I shouldn't have been so apologetic, I have done the right things and she shouldn't have gone off on me like that.
I just feel so bad, and I know I shouldn't for goodness sake, I took a day off to remember I gave birth to my little girl last year, my baby who's dead!
Going to the doctor's tomorrow and ask for time off, I just had it with work, it is stressing me out big time and I am so anxious to get through the next two weeks to make it to 20 weeks pregnant.
And still I'm thinking I can't take time off because there are things to do that only I can do, like meetings to go to and organising other things.
I felt so upset I had to go upstairs and throw up and I still feel so emotional about it all.
Don't know what to do, whether I should phone/talk to the church warden who was supposed to cover for me. I mean if nobody knew why I wasn't there, why did nobody phone me up and ask where I was? I could have had an accident and been in hospital or whatever. Clearly they don't care about me...
And I'm still trying to put the blame on myself, thinking should I have reminded them, or should I have put everything ready for them. They know where all the material is, it's all there ready for them, but the woman was complaining she had to go and photocopy something...
Feel so sad that the lovely day I had yesterday remembering my precious Sterre has now been ruined by all this...

I'm feeling better today, I think when its painful like that its hard to feel good about anything.
Saw some more pics of the kittens today, and was told that Myrtle is very naughty, and Banquo is a sweetheart. Could be picking them up a week on friday. So excited.

green bless your boy, my DH he's his parents first rainbow baby, they also suffered a late miscarriage at 18 weeks to a little girl. He remembers it he was a teen at the time and well it fucked him up for a bit. It is hard for kids to get their heads round it all, I think when your younger the world does seam to revolve around you, so when something big and horrible like this happens its very hard to process your emotions.

wtw I have been working out in this today, not nice.

miasmum that's great news. The best sound in the world ever!

Thanks green it's just so conflicting sometimes. Feeling brighter today though.

Your ds sounds so so sweet. A lot like Katie, I often hear her chattering about Erin when she's playing Sylvanian Families. It's such an impossibly hard thing for them to process but I think it's a good sign that they talk about their siblings.

How are you feeling today Fan? Hope you've not been working outside in this weather!

Oops, mammoth post, sorry everyone!

Fan, sorry your feeling so retched... Hopefully it's eased off by this morning. My AF is completely diff to before Merryn... I'm hoping all is still working, but I guess it's reassuring that my cycle has gone back to 28/9 days so immediately. I hope none of us have to wait too long. I want to be pregnant again sooo much.

WTW, I'm sure a good cry helps sometimes. When I'm feeling angry it usually ends in tears then cuddles. I dont know how you handle hormones too. I think it's fine for you to have pregnancy narks... It's certainly not easy at the best of times, and you have so much more to think about too. Go easy on yourself!

BLUE, it sounds like you found beautiful ways to mark Sterre's day, I'm glad you found smiles for her. X it's so hard for brothers and sisters isn't it? My four year old asked me the other day when his friends brother was going to die. I explained that most people die when they are old, he shook his head and said his sister died when she was just new and only had a very little life, and he didn't know anyone else that died, so this brother would die soon. His logic was hard to argue with. It's not something you can make promises about is it? I often have no clue what to say to him. He was singing a little absentminded song in the kitchen yesterday while I was cooking, with phrases like "I would have played with you, but you're dead, I love you , but you died, I would have sang to you , but your not here" I asked him about his song and he said 'it's not about Merryn, and I don't like babies anyway!' he is very confused and scared sometimes. It makes me sad. He would have been a great big brother, but he doesn't know that, he just feels guiltly for not being sure he wanted a sister.

ANGELGEORGIE, glad you are feeling a little better after your day out!

MOOMIN, yeh about Tommy walking! (although bad luck to hav e missed it!). Hope the house moving is going ok?

MIAsMUMMY, I could have sat for all my pregnancy listening to my babies heartbeat.... It's the sound of new life, what an amazing thing to have made!! It's good the test results were reassuring, one less thing to dwell on! A while back you asked about effects of stress on the baby in the womb. I did a masters dissertation on a subject close to this, and spent much time pouring over brain dev. research and such things, and I absolutely guarantee you the sort of worry you are having will not affect your little one. Your little baby is wanted passionately and loved unconditionally. It's just that you have their sister to think about too, and that will help them grow into a compassionate and empathic child and adult. It's a positive, how could anything to do with your lovely Mia not be? Xx

blue so pleased to hear that day has passed gently for you and Sterre.

ellypoo it's normal to be jealous... be gentle on yourself.

fan and whatever hope the sadness and the aches are short-lived - and that a good cry has helped. Wishing you a better day tomorrow. And if not, don't worry, we are here for you both. xx

Visited the midwife today, and heard that lovely little heartbeat again. Best noise in the whole world. She also told me that my nuchal results were excellent, especially considering my age(!), so that was reassuring.

Sounds like a perfect day to honour little Sterre Blue. Bless E, it is confusing for our older children xx

Sorry you're feeling so bad Fan I hope it eases off in the next day or 2 and that it's your last one for a long time xx

Had a big sobbing session on poor dp all because he asked tentatively if I was okay Very unlike me, think he's a bit shocked. The tears seem to have dissipated the rage though. Bloomin hormones I blame them!

blue sounds like a good day devoted to your angel. Bless little E, I hope she understood in the end. It must be confusing for the sunshines.

wtw your allowed to have a pissed off day, I bet you will feel better in the morning.

I have had the worst day, cramps like you wouldnt believe, felt like early labour. Horrible, and I got very upset today, and also last night ended up crying myself to sleep. I just feel so retched, I think its because this period is so bad. I have had a little search on periods after miscarraige and apparently it is normal for the next two to be heavy and painful. Hopefully it will pass and I can get on with ttc. I feel better this evening, except Im so tired. I feel alittle amemic tonight, so had lots of spinach for tea, and an early night for me.

wtw we had the candle made at Alexandra's Angel gifts last year, we don't burn it very often as we would like to keep the writing on it.
We went to the garden centre this morning and bought aubretia plants, then went to Sterre's grave and planted them. E was a bit confused as she thought we were digging up Sterre. While we were there the parents of the baby girl buried next to Sterre came, we had a little chat. But because of that I forgot to take a picture of Sterre's grave with the new flowers on...
Then we went to a pub and had a carvery in honour of our little girl. This afternoon E and I baked the cake and then we had a birthday tea.
Well and truly tired now, but it was a very lovely, peaceful day. I shed some tears this morning and whilst reading the nice messages on FB, but other than that I have smiled a lot in memory of my little girl :)

hugs for you x

Blue I love the flowers, card, candle and cake for Sterre today. Utterly perfect for your little one. Where did you get the candle? It's gorgeous. How have you been today? xx

How are you feeling now fan?

I'm feeling irrationally rage-y today. Everything is pissing me off, the house seems to get messy instantly I tidy it and i'm starting to feel really heavy and cumbersome so bending down and getting up off the floor is awkward. My back is sore as is my pelvis. And then I feel bad for feeling irritated because I'm so bloody grateful to be pregnant and I promised myself I'd never moan. Gah I'm actually pissing myself off today!

oooh fan hope the pain eases off soon! x

we had a nice start of the day, cuddled up in bed, reading messages on my phone and FB :)
then we had lovely croissants and just after breakfast Sterre's birthday card arrived in the post :) perfect timing!
(although at the same time my maternity exemption arrived and a reminder to renew my subscription to a baby magazine) But I seem to cope...

Having the AF from hell, big cramps. Think my fibroids are shrinking a bit, the short pg with bungle would have made them grow a bit so I'm in a bit of pain.

Thinking of blue and sterre, and all the blue household today, hope the day is gentle for you all.

blizy we conceived our rainbow in the 3rd cycle using cbfm! The first cycle was around Christmas and I forgot to take it with me to PILs, I was also charting back then, stopped that as it was stressing me out and the second cycle without charting BFP!