Rainbow Babies - hoping and trying for rainbows, loving and remembering our Angels xxx

mecha I found that testing between 2pm and 5pm to be the best time. 2pm being the best of all, but I have had results this cycle through testing around 4.30pm when I get in from work. Fx for this cycle.

fan I tend to test midmorning and early evening, over about 5 days. Though I haven't been leaving my sample to cool, may have to try next month! Next month will be exciting. The first month we are actually allowed to try, so the gloves will be coming off! So to speak ;) Desperately hoping for the best, but fully expecting it to take years again. Trying not to get my hopes up too high.

Blue Glad you had a good holiday, and babyblue is kicking and squirmy!

Watching the showjumping today, It is exciting and nervewracking! Right on the edge of my seat!

mecha I use those and normally I get a line during ovulation, except last month. But that month I didn't leave my sample to cool to near room temp. I found they work better then. What times of day are testing?

I'm back :)

Had a lovely but very tiring time in Belgium visiting family! E loved it on the plane!
I had lovely squidgy newborn cuddles with my gorgeous adorable godson!
My sister hasn't been having an easy time, and I feel quite sad now living so far away! :(

Baby Blue is doing fine! Lots of kicks and squirms, specially when I was cuddling my godson :)
She must have been jealous!
Can't quite believe that in about 15 weeks I'll have a squidgy newborn again to cuddle... and she's going to have loads of cuddles!

how is everyone doing?
will catch up later! x

fan surely with gold medal swimmers you would have to call a baby Phelps? :D

Hello everyone, so many holidays and appointments, wishing everyone well.

I am on the clearblue trial, my consent forms came through today. Exciting times! Is it a clearblue fertility monitor they send us to use? My periods came back about 6 weeks after Dex was born, and I had been expressing for a fortnight. There have only been three cycles since, but they look so normal. Temperature rise and fall, CM progressing as expected, regular and predictable so far. After years of no periods at all I am kind of in shock! Would be good to have something to monitor if I am ovulating. I am using the cheap amazon pee sticks and haven't had anything at all yet, but I have heard they are a bit unreliable and it is easy to miss the surge, even testing twice a day. Any one any thoughts?

quiettiger congratulations on your news, and I am sorry to hear about Samantha.

Curled up with a tummy upset and the Olympic Showjumping. I am enjoying one of these!

Oh green lots of love to you. I'm not quite in your position of early days ttc yet, but will be soon and as I've said before I do already have an inkling of how it will be... Thinking of you x

fan such lovely words about Ophelia. The failure thing... well, we all know that we didn't really fail, that there was nothing we could do - but equally we can't stop our thoughts and feelings, can we? Just have to keep acknowledging them and working through them however we can, I suppose.

DH is using our Olympics tickets today - I can't face it (the noise, the crowds - no way) so he's going with a friend. miasmum I echo what green said: volunteering there is such a huge achievement.
Me, watching the sports on the TV and waiting for a friend to come over, he's a very good friend so will probably be lots of talking and crying - nice to have male friends I can share with as well as lovely ladies (both in RL and here!). Love to all Xxx

I'm at my Inlaws in the NE, (we get the ferry to Amsterdam on Monday), so can't be on MN as much as usual... but thinking about you all!

fAN... I'm now so addicted to to the Olympics that I even enjoyed the woman's basketball last night, can't believe we lost! Hope the combination of OV and Olympic fever works for you this month!!! Glad the rest of the week was a wee bit easier on you.

POPPET... Those meetings are hard, but it sounds like you have such loving and cherished memories of E, and that will endure now. I can see why your DH struggled if he's Doc, even as a father my DH stepped into the role of protector and fixer while Merryn was in NICU, I think they feel so helpless in their fight to protect their families, and medical knowledge will compound this for him.

BLIZY... Hope the appt doesn't interrupt your plans for the WE, could you move the appt back a couple of days if it's on the wrong days?

MIA'S... I'm so inspired by what you are doing, and able to do. I can't imagine being able to want to be 'out there' so much ( I'd worry I'd fall apart), but you are doing it with your girl in your heart. She should be so proud of her mummy.

WTW, I'm glad you are being looked after by someone you trust. Is it a week now? I hope it's going kindly for you. Nearly there now...

ELLY, woopee on the house sale!! I think it's possitive that youre being referred for coucelling ( sounds like a good doctor), lots of ladies here and on other thread find it v helpful.

Well I'm having a confusing time. I'm now CD19 and two days ago I had (tmi) browny discharge that lasted for two days. I thought I was having a stupid cycle, as also crampy and bloaty. But now it's stopped, so I've wondered about IB, but it's too early really, so I'm kidding myself. I hate hate hate ttc. It's turning me into an obsessive wreck, and I don't know that's it's helping me cope with loosing Merryn. I can't stop though, I'm consumed by the process and the cycle. I feel so totally selfish, I have two DSs, why can't I leave it at that? So the tww is on..... You lot are so brave, I hope I can be as strong as you. Some days this feels like a cliff edge I'm walking.

miasmum Im so jealous of you and your volunteering, what a story to tell you LO when they are grown that you were there. How is it going?

blizy if you want to be DH's swimmers cheer team then go ahead. I did say to him last night about gold medal swimmers.

poppet makes perfect sense, I like to think of Fi as our golden child, our first born, our forever baby. I think it is healthy to think that way, to think of her with love and not always loss and regret. Obviously doesnt mean that we dont feel this, but talking about her with love aswell I have found has helped. We talk about her often, about what she would have been like. I try very hard not to think about what if's, they dont help. You cant go back and change things, and if you did what could you change? I think the emotion I fight the most is failure, I feel that sometimes I have failed being a mother, I failed to keep her safe. I know it was an accident, nobody could have known she had a knot in her cord, but I cant help feel sometimes like this.

Ive had a pretty good rest of the week, I think this is because I am ovulating at the moment and I do believe we feel our best at this time, we are our most attractive, feel good about ourselves. Though I did shed a tear earlier reading about 3girlies daughter Flora who died of a brain tumor, all this heartache is hard to bear sometimes, got the old crochet hook again to crochet some squares.

angel very at your hols, have a great time, I hope Phebs loves Mickey and Minnie and you get some pics for her when she older. Have a great time your little family deserve it.

waves at everyone else [waves]

Thanks all. Miasmummy goodness that must have been scary - I'm so glad that Mia was born safely... which just makes me all the more sad for you now - but if you are anything like me, and it sounds very much like you might be, you are able to feel simultaneously incredibly sad and massively grateful for the time you had with your daughter.
Yes in some senses vasa previa would be 'good' news but we'd still need to explain the abruption as well. Quite worried about DH - being a doctor, he just had such a strong reaction to it, as something that could have been prevented. We shall see what happens.
We actually feel rather glad that it wasn't brought up sooner - I suspect that the pattern of grief that you fall into during the early days has a huge influence on how you feel and grieve later on - and 'anger' has not been our primary emotion up till now. So, we can think about E simply with love, not a big ball of twisted 'why didn't they diagnose it' fury in our hearts, and we hope that will continue.
Hopefully that makes sense...

Have a good day all x

Kleine- well done on getting through today, I remember how hard and exhausting my consultation was. My placenta had failed to mature properly which caused Zoe to die. We also foun out the meeting that she has Downs syndrome. I hope you get the answers you need next week.

Mia- mucho respect to you volunteering, it must be knackering!

Fan- is it wrong that I am cheering on your Dh's swim team?

SWI for us will start at the weekend (although I'm not sure, as we are waiting on an appointment for Dh semen analysis, he has to abstain from sex for 5 days before it)

whatever glad today has been a good day for you.

kleine whatever is right, Mia was born safely despite me having an undiagnosed vasa previa. It is a very rare condition though, and only one of the medical staff had ever seen it... and like you, I had extra scans at 32 and 36 weeks for a suspected placenta pre via, but it is very hard for sonographers to see. But at least it isn't genetic, so it means that any future pgs are not more likely than normal to have the same problem.

fan very much liking the whole Olympic swi association - makes me smile each time I read an update!! I am hoping that the excitement will have a great result for you...

elly great news on the house!

angel enjoy Paris, it will be magical.

Sorry for not name-checking further, but feeling a little zonked out after two full days at the Olympic village, coupled with long travel times on top of that. It is both weird and refreshing just to be another volunteer, and not to be a grieving mother - I wouldn't say it feels normal, more that this is an entirely separate experience... Mia is always with me.

Kleine glad you got some answers but sounds like a few more questions raised too. Miasmum also had an undiagnosed vasa previa with Mia i think but doesn't have it this time. I remember that all talked out feeling. Take it easy xx

Fan you should definitely push for a hospital consultant. I've found the midwives/sonographers at the hospital seem to take more care if you say you are xyz's patient. No closer on names!! Actually a little concerned that she will end up nameless for a few days! Didn't do the washing - got caught up in the Olympics then fell asleep K was at gym camp today and will be tomorrow too so will get them done then

poppet I hope you get some more answers next week, those things are always hard to deal with and process all the information. I found more what's ifs were brought up for me weeks afterwards.

we will get on with it, when he's comes back from training, always prefer to in bed at night so I can keep the little swimmers in there

Well as predicted we survived! The neonatal team really are so good (when we were in hospital with E, the consultant basically spent the whole time crying with us...). As we thought, our little girl was perfect until the bleeding started - which makes us both very and very . The pm confirmed that she had no chance of survival beyond a few days with such massive injury.
The one shock was that the pm/histiology pointed at potential vasa previa - we knew about the velamentous cord but no one had mentioned vp to us - there is also the issue of the complete placental abruption... Our obstetric review is next week and maybe we'll be able to find out more then. Of course it doesn't change the outcome (if only), it's just that if it WAS vp then that's a big thing for us to deal with, as it's diagnosable if the right scans are done. I DID have late scans at 32 and 38 weeks but it wasn't picked up/looked for... so we're not quite sure how well we'd deal with it. At the very least it would take longer to process.
Next week we'll have more discussions about trying again and risks of recurrence - depending on whether we find out for certain about what actually happened. Today was mostly about our little girl.
For now we are chilling with a Vietnamese takeaway and the swimming on the telly - we're all talked out...

whatevertheweather excellent news re getting such good care - really so glad. You're soooo nearly there!
elly great news re house and (I can't scroll back sorry) I think you also said you were going back to the GP - you will get there... we all will. Also good luck to you whenever ov happens and fan stop reading this and get on with it!!!
angel have a lovely hol.
blizy thank you for your message earlier, hope you are doing well today x

Love to everyone else too, sorry if I've missed anyone xxx

wtw youve made me feel abit better about my care for next time. Im so glad he is looking after you, and you are getting those steriod injections. Hows the name hunt going, has the list changed? Did you get the washing done? Theres nothing nicer than a line full of baby clothes.

poppet how did it go today?

Cant believe the gold medal tally today, just saw Hoy and the boys get gold amazing. Also got a very clear positive on the old ov test, so maybe Hoy is at top of the list! dont think so horrible name

He was fabulous today - really thorough and reassuring. Apparently I met him briefly the day after Erin died as he came and advised us to have a post mortem. I don't remember him though!

wtw ahhh I think Dr Davis would have been my consultant last time. Was he really nice? If you think he's good then when I fall pg maybe its ok to go with him.

No I saw Dr Davies who's lead consultant at QA. I did see Dr Shalloum out at PGate Community Hospital when I was pg with Erin as I'd had a bad tear and pph with Katie. He was nice - he would normally be the cons for people living in fham I'm only under Nime at QA because she requested it after delivering Erin.

Wow tomorrow angel I adore DL Paris. Have an amazing time - where are you staying? 'It's a small world after all' Love it!

Wtw glad you re feeling more positive... 1 day at a time... Nearly there.. In a matter of weeks none of this time/ thoughts will be there ... Xxx
Elly congrats on the house sale & yeh for referral to counselling ... Hope it helps u as much as it did me... Xxx
Fan I m saying nothing apart from xxxc
Love to all; been off work today as packing etc... Off to "gay" Paris early tomorrow & Euro-Disney Sat whoop whoop can't wait xxxxc so excited hopingPhebs is ok flying... We ll soon see!!!
Have a fab weekend all xxxx

elly great news about the house.

poppet hope the meeting is as gentle as it can be.

wtw great news! Did you see Dr Shalloum? He was my consultant but I didn't see him as it was only fibroids, but he did explain the MP to us, he's really nice I like him and might ask if I can be looked after him next time.

Hope the appointment goes as well as possible Kleine Let us know. Ours was a big shock because of the rarity of what happened to Erin but strangely I felt better once we knew what we were dealing with xx

Yay for ov fan Perhaps Bradley for a boy

Glad your appt was positive Blizy well done you for going xx

Good news re the house sale Elly Sounds like you have a good gp - glad she is helping you xx

Welcome tiger so sorry to hear about baby Samantha and huge congrats on your bfp. It will be an emotional rollercoaster of a pregnancy but we can help you through. I lost my little girl Erin at 34 weeks last August and I'm now 35 weeks with my rainbow baby.

Mias sounds like you have a good care plan in place. How are you feeling? xx

Been to see head consultant today as mine is on holiday and he is the chief of fetal medicine in this area so feel massively reassured having had him scan me and check her very very thoroughly. He knew all about Erin because of the rare nature of her cancer and was very careful to check all the areas that showed tumours in Erin. Also had another good ctg so feeling more positive today. He also said that I should be having steroid injections so has arranged them for me too. Back for another ctg on Monday and then to see him again next Thursday then pre-op stuff the following Monday 13th then we're there!!! Think I'm going to wash all the baby clothes today while I'm feeling positive

kleine thinking of you today, I hope it is gentle as can be. x

Thanks for info re AF! Reassuring.

Sorry not to read properly or name check, we have our neonatal review appt later this morning and are shitting ourselves... BUT as we keep saying, when you've already been through the worst possible thing, you know you can - somehow - manage everything else too. Have a good day all xxx