Rainbow Babies - hoping and trying for rainbows, loving and remembering our Angels xxx

I know blizy I've had the same feelings, I do miss Fi so much its like a tear or a hole that never heals. We are not betraying them by wishing, trying and having other children. Have a dark day, ttc can be so stressful. I have my fx for you this month. Zoe is a lucky girl to have this much love just for her.

Thanks angel and fan. Not having a good night. I'm going between missing Z so much, being upset about not being pg and then upset because I think I'm betraying Zoe by being upset I'm not pg! It'a a vicious circle.

blizy all I can say is I'm right here with you, we struggle together, its a tough road but your not alone, (and I know how hard that is to say aswell).

Blizy it will happen xxx I know it's taking a long time xxx lots of love honey xxx
Fan xxx
Miasmum excellant news about your scan ... Fab xxx
Spilt moving is so stressful isn t
It? However, you re nearly there... Hope the bank sort out your missing funds xxx
Green know how you feel. Initially. -after Georgie I didn t want to be in my home nor far away from it!!! I felt closest to Georgie at my house but when we were ttc we booked lots of trips away as a diversion therapy . My mum said ttc is the most important thing but you might as well distract yourself while you re doing it & as mums are: she was right!!!!!
whatever yeh for mat leave xxx another hurdle done!!! Know what you mean about a rollercoaster year I reflect & can t believe what we ve experienced in the last 2 years. So up & down which is why I m enjoying normality now , stability.., that's what I want & have got now... Xxx
August whoop whoop exciting?
Hi all ; I soldiered through today felt crap & managed to sleep a bit this pm. Thank god it's the weekend xxx
Love to all xxxx

Mia's- so glad the scan went well.

Spilt- yay for the new house, but omg to moving on Monday!

Green- alpacas sound fab!

Fan- hope you are ok?

Blue- how is your sister?

I have just seen two, yes two pregnancy announcements on FB, feck it has hit me hard. I am just sick of my body failing me, it failed for Zoe and I just can't get pregnant. Why is it so bloody hard?

spilt I dont know how I keep going. Glad you are finally on the move, Freya sounds adorable.

Cross post split hurrah for exchange but blimey Monday is soon A weekend of packing for you then!

Ah Mias I'm so so pleased your scan went well. Glad there's no sign of the vasa previa this time. Bless your dh, it is so hard for them I think to have so little control. My dp had a tear in John Lewis when we went shopping and just whispered to me 'I don't think I could bear it if this one doesn't come home'

So sorry the spotting has started fan it's rotten. I'm glad dh continues to be supportive. And kitties and ratties of course!

Ah I love alpacas green! Do they need much land to be kept in?

Waves to all

Took K swimming this afternoon was very lovely to be weightless for a while! Baby was kicking away - perhaps she'll be a water baby like her big sister; or maybe just because the water was bloody freezing!! We've tentatively planned a BBQ with friends this Sunday so hoping the sun stays out.

Thinking of you August any more twinges? So close now xxx

fan so sorry. How you and blizy keep bravely trying and hoping I don't know - you both sound so strong, I am really proud to know you. I hope your faith is rewarded very soon with the bfps and babies you deserve.

Whooop for nearly being on mat leave wtw, bet you can't wait to get a rest!

miasmummy that is greatt that your scan went so well, how lovely to hear the hb and see your baby.

Well FINALLY after much stress and about a billion phonecalls and 2 ultimatums, we have exchanged contracts on our house today!! Moving on Monday. Ooh heck, taht's soon... Had a mad afternoon phoning all our suppliers and sorting all the utilities out, and spending all the money (ack scary times in the bank!), booking removals etc.

Have since discovered this evening that the rather alarming state of our bank accounts is due, not simply to buying a house, but also to a fradulent withdrawal from my ISA a few weeks ago . Bank are investigating and will speak to us on Monday. Which is fine, except we are completing on MOnday so may be just a tad busy!

Freya is being so good about all the chaos, bless her. She's trotting around the place unpacking boxes as fast as we pack them and giggling away about it

ahh mecha sorry, it was an amazing stage the win for cavandish so unexpected, Wiggins and my fav at the mo Hagen were amazing! Wish I was that fit. Who are you going to see at the concert?

Fan It was me! I watch the tour! Very excited, that was an amazing stage. And a beautiful dog that ran into the peleton.

Green alpacas sound amazing. I love animals, so does DH but he is the sensible one. Which is probably why we have only one dog and two cats. Left to my own devices our unassuming semi would be full to bursting with creatures!

Mias So pleased to hear about your scan.

I booked some concert tickets today, so something to look forward to in November.

Wishing us all peaceful weekends. Maybe even some sunshine?

they sound brill green I love animals, used to work on a petting farm in wales and we had a very grumpy Llama. I would love a couple of balls of wool. Im glad you found the stones.
I dont feel very strong, but we have to carry on right? Im so glad for my DH, my kitties and my rats if it wasnt for them then the past couple of days would have been more unbearable.

Ive just been round my parents tonight to see my Dad, my Mum has gone to Oz to stay with my brother, SIL and nephew for 5 weeks, so Dad is all by himself with the cat. I feel really close to my Dad since I fell pregnant with Ophelia, and since her death I find it easier to speak to him than I do my Mum. So strange, I dont feel any pressure about babies with my Dad, but with my Mum is always feels like its there. I need to sort this out as I have always been very close to my Mum, but I do feel distant from her now.

How are we all ladies? Are we all ready for the weekend?

Did anyone see the Tour de France? Cant remember who said they watched it was it you elly? Amazing stage.

Thanks FAN, we've got three boy alpacas... They are very funny and real personalities, ( and easy to keep)! We have had them three years and still not got the wool spun. I have felted some, but it's a bit of a waste to use it for that. If I ever do get bfp I'm going to get it spun to crochet for the baby. They from cream through grey and one is black. I'll send you a couple of balls if you like if we get it done!
I'm sorry AF has come, but glad you know at least. I wish it wasn't like this, and hope soon you have your bfp. You are being so strong.

MIA'SMUMMY, do you know, after despairing that there were no heart stones in Wales, today I found a whole group of them on the beach... I had just had a rather difficult time with my mum (commenting on how I wouldn't fit a bikini this year, etc etc) and was walking across the sands at Tenby to where my DP was with the boys, and there were the stones! It made me so happy! I have taken two, on for me and one for Merryns river....
I'm so glad the scan went well, did you get pictures? Half way there....

Thanks miasmum lol.

Well the spotting has started, I'm ok about it now, its just the limbo I hate. Guess I was late due to being ill during last AF, that's all I can think might be the cause.

miasmum excellant news on the scan, did you get the gender written in an envelope this time?

august how are you doing hun? I bet its a nervous time with this weekend nearly on us.

Hello everyone. We had the 20-week anomaly scan today, and the sonographer was very thorough, and especially checked for any signs of vasa previa (veins going to the baby outside the placenta, very rare and dangerous, but happened with Mia and was not picked up). I had been really worried, ironically because I had felt massive kicks a couple of nights ago, and while I had been delighted at that point , I had almost convinced myself in retrospect that it was the baby signalling to me that something was wrong. However, everything is thankfully ok, and baby is spot on for its growth charts. DH asked to hear the heartbeat, and had a little cry when he heard it.

fan when I read about your BFN, I resorted to all kinds of childish swearing on your behalf... poo, bum, wee... you'd think I'd do better than that!! Still hoping for you and blizy this cycle though.

green I think you have been amazing to go on holiday, and then deal with your mum too. I wasn't able to stay outside the house for too long for some months. Even after a couple of hours, I needed to be back there. I hope you have found some more heart-shaped stones while you have been away, and that they give you some comfort that Merryn is nestled safely in your heart and mind. But don't feel you have to smile all the time - you don't. Your guests are in your house, so you can dictate the rules, even when you want to be the perfect host. They should understand - and if they don't, tough. It's better to go with your emotions than hold them in, even if it is supposed to be very un-British.

whatever only a few days to go then!!

green it must be hard for you, with all this up heavel. Merryn is with you all the time, she always will be. I didn't know you has Alpacas? How many do you have? Do you sell the wool?

I think I had a bit of spotting earlier but I can't be certain. I guess I will know by tomorrow.

ANGEL, hope your half day goes quickly, and you get some rest and tlc soon!

WHATEVER, Tuesday isnt long! As you say, a crazy year. The time should hopefully pass quickly with K to entertain, is she excited?

BLIZY, sorry your cycle is playing you up. It's horrible. I know what you mean when you say you felt you had left Zoe behind when you went to the Lakes. That's exactly how I feel about Merryn. I feel I need to get back to her. I too NEED to have another baby, but I don't know what happens if I can't. Ive spent the last five years trying, and been preg three times, and had my lovely girl, but still not brought a baby home. Not sure how much longer I can hope for.....

FAN, how are you today lovely lady?

We go home next Monday. My mum leaves on the following Monday. My Inlaws arrive that Thursday. We go on holiday (properly, rather than like now because DP has work in Wales), on the next Tuesday, leaving Inlaws to look after the alpacas. What was I thinking? I just want to go home and be with the boys and DP. I don't want to have visitors all the time or go away for most of August. We made all these plans as a promise to Merryn that we wouldn't let her memory be negative in our family and for our boys, but I'm exhausted and a bit scared just thinking about having to smile for so long. It's just all so wrong, everything.

Nothing as of yet.

Anything this morning fan?

Hugs green when are you coming home?

Blizy fx for you for next weekend xx

Hope you managed a better nights sleep angel. Sleep deprivation and working is so hard.

I'm stopping work on Tuesday so just 3 days earlier than I'd said I would. Can't wait now! K's last day in reception. Can't believe it - when we dropped her off there in September it was just 10 days after Erin died, now as she's finishing the year we're just 3.5 weeks away from (hopefully) another little sister for her. What a crazy year.

Angel I hope your day is quick, booo to the cold!

Green- cbfm worked perfectly for me last month, so I'm guessing I haven't ov'd this month.
I know it can be very hard to go on holiday, we went to the lake district 3 months after Zoe died. I was desperate to get back home, was sick of plastering on a fake smile. I also felt like I had left Zoe behind iyswim? Re: ttc it is a roller coaster of emotions and have though about giving up, but like you I just can't, i NEED to have another baby. Anyway, I hope you are ok? X

August xxxx good luck xxxx
Dying here!!! Full of head cold, sore throat etc.... After a very restless night for all of us ... Phebs still coughing ... Only half day today but need to go in as visiting a pt on the ward.... Just want to sleep xxxxx

AUGUST... You are sooooo nearly there! How exciting! What a good weight!

FAN, I'm sorry your having a crappy time. AF should have to be on time or not at all.... It's too much when it's late. Fingers still tightly crossed though....

BLIZY.... CBFM sounds v confusing? We are going to start using one if no bfp by sept, but it sounds stressful.... Ive heard they can take a few months to show peaks?!?

Still on phone, so sorry to not say hi to everyone.
I'm finding being away from home really difficult. Being on 'holiday' doesn't feel right. DPs 40th was very hard. I've had to try on behalf of the boys to make it a nice birthday for him, but neither of us wanted any of it really. I want to go home and curl up in my own bed. There is a travel cot and a high chair etc here, and its all just not right. I feel like we'll never have another baby. I'm scared to try this month because failing is so awful. Hoping is too much, I'd almost rather give up, but I can't.

Oooh August have been thinking about you loads - you are really nearly there now. How fab if the sweep worked on it's own - is the plan still induction on Sunday? Cannot wait to hear all about the safe arrival of your little boy xx

Wow August! Exciting times ahead for you. I will bd thinking about you and can't wait to hear of your new arrival soon. X

I'm on cd 22, still getting highs in cbfm, not had a peak yet . Af should be due around next weekend, I have a 30-33 day cycle.

Fan I have everything crossed you my friend. X

August how exciting! :)

Went on daytrip with E's playgroup today, absolutely shattered!
Tomorrow is her last day at playgroup... they will have a little graduation ceremony :)

Had a bit of a misunderstanding with the headteacher of the first school about their church service tomorrow, must blame pregnancy brain. I thought she said she would do the service but when I re-read the email she meant that I was to prepare and lead it and they would just do the hymns. Which meant that after the trip today I had to put a service together for them... Was slightly stressful, but it's sorted now! :)
Going to be a busy day tomorrow!