TTC 10 plus months, Part 7

Sarlat 32, DH 47; ttc 25 months, diagnosis: damaged and fluid filled tubes, likely due to endo. Mild / bordeline male factor. Had hsg /ultrasounds / blood tests. 1 failed IVF cycle and 5 blatstos on ice.

lemon both 33; TTC 24 months, unexplained, 3 failed iuis, next up lap&dye, then more IUIs or IVF (help!?)

Purple 39 and 47 TTC on and off for years. Unexplained. No medical assistance (yet?).

Purple 39 and 47 TTC on and off for years. Unexplained. No medical assistance (yet?).

Updated list of lads and 10+ ladies (June 2012)

lemon both 33; TTC 24 months, unexplained, 3 failed iuis, next up lap&dye, then more IUIs or IVF (help!?)

Morning lads!

I have been keeping up to date with reading, but you lot are so talkative and busy that I have not managed to respond...

Quickly a few bits I did remember:
Thanks for your thoughtful comments on the adoption of your DS, purple. It's on our radar as a "last-chance-saloon" and the way you describe things really appeals. But I thought they were keen on not having people still going through fertility stuff. So it is for later...
Welcome hocus and hurrah for the support we've unwittingly provided. Any more lurkers would be very welcome too!
The number of people gearing up for IVF is huge, and I am failing to keep track. Massive good luck to all of you and let's do a roll-call to help my addled brain?! I'll start one next post.
Sorry about all the emotions pooring out sarlat and about the difficult decisions. I am with your husband though, you did get plenty of blasts and they were not overly encouraging through the cycle either. So second opinion sounds like a good plan.
Sorry about family shit jim :(
A bit worried about you carrie, with your history unmonitored clomid is really shocking. So yes, get yourself an appointment and question this treatment.
Welcome back for all the holidayers. Great you've had a good time, sorry the TTC does come on all fun things with us nowadays joycep, buzzy and nelly. But great to be able to talk face to face to someone so close in RL that has gone through IVF, nelly. Sort of jealous of your IVF-sister (I only have the ridiculously fertile one)... Thanks for throwing the coin in, buzzy, do you take any responsibility for the Trevi fountain's crumbling!?
Dave I cannot believe That Man bought full fat milk messing with symptom spotting on a duff month. How in considered
Here it is SWI time and DH is away. So it will be duff symptom spotting, but I can say with a reasonable level of confidence AF will be here in 13 days... Thinking about lap&dyeing next, rather than more iuis. Any thoughts on that? When half the thread had them, we were on holidays. I am curious but not keen on it...

They have put me on clomid to just see! My OH has low mobility and I have one tube and endo so he said let's put more eggs in the mix and see what happens. I then got a letter saying our best option was IVF which made me very upset as that wasn't really said to us.
My OH is very much you don't question doctors so its difficult plus you get 5 mins and loads of things said so its hard to think about questions at the time. I am going to call and ask for an appointment with first cons.I really think that we need more investigating. I also have had a poorly tum since a week after starting them and beginning to think its linked. I'm surviving on immodium lol.
I must apologise for bad spelling and typing as on my phone.
Nelly what is the secret hobbling?
My one good thing is that this period is more normal than mine lol lighter and I have a feeling it will be 6 days instead of the usual 8+ whooop

Gosh it's been busy and the knowledge on these boards is quite something!

Joy - glad you had good holiday but I agree it is so hard to truely escape the TTC thoughts and feelings. It is like a drug. Thank you for reminding me of the antibiotic info. I think the antibiotic which is occasionally used with IVF is doxcyline. There are some articles on this. Hopefully IVF is just around the corner for you assuming your messages get passed on. How are you feeling about it all?

Barry - grrrr at your rude Consultant - why oh why do they feel the need to be a bit smug or a bit scary or a bit arrogant. It can all be done without these little added extras - but I like your attitude towards all of this. And I really believe your brown diet efforts are going to be rewarded - I truely do. Your last post was amazing and well done you for taking this stance. I have tried (and failed) at various times to take control back and find other paths alongside TTC. The timing has to be right and I feel that your brown diet has paved the way for you to take control of your own wellbeing and life in a holisitic manor. Good luck.

Gin - glad you will be having another IVF cycle. What do the Dr's suggest may improve the odds for next time? Sorry about the crazy hormomes. What had caused this? Is it post IVF madness? Well done on sticking out the hen do with the boring baby talk. Baby talk is actually boring........in fact other people's baby's are often boring But I want one of my own....waah.

Buzzy - welcome home and thank you for putting a coin in the trevi fountain for the 10 month + crew. Sorry about the sickyness and BFN. Hope Mr B's op goes ok.

Dave - sorry about your cold and full fat milk madness! It's funny how the urge to symptom spot never really dies - it must be inate. I symptom spotted one cycle where we didn't try - just to see what the differences were

Euro - I took progesterone injections called gestone after my egg collection. I was told that they were superior to anything else including the pesseries. Apparantly the consultant says there is a higher pregnancy rate. However, my cycle failed so take what you will from that. I didn't mind the injections - they were a bit sore / stingy but there are tips and tricks which can be used which make it easier. When will you find out about your IVF protocol?

Keith - The massage and woo lady sound wonderful. I would definetly see her again. Such things can really restore confidence in our own abilities I find.
Since CD1 I have been very up and down. The period was heavy but not clotty and only crampy for one day so nowhere near as bad as I expected. Since then my body signals are not their usual but nothing too frightening. Emotionally, DH and I are all over the place. I haven't been dwelling too much that the cycle failed in itself (don't get me wrong I desperatly wanted that embryo to attatch and grow). But our main emotions are fear and anxity. Fear that it will never happen and anxiety about the extent of damage inside me and the operation that they are threatening me with. I also feel like a freak for having such a strange, symptomless condition. Even if I was a prostitute and had several bouts of STI's (of which I have had none) I would still only have 15% chance of having the internal damage that I have got. I'm not angry I'm just confused and stressed and can't seem to find a solution which will make me happy.

Hello Hocus - welcome and good luck with your lap. At least you are taking control back now and it is very likely that you will get a BFP in time. But in the mean time, hanging out here does make things a little easier.

Carrie - gosh what strange managament from your Dr's. Endo does affect fertility and it is likely that is what I have. Based on the fact you have had an eptopic - how are your tubes? Could these be the problem for you?

Nelly - embryoglue you say ????what is this, where is this, I need some!!! Good luck with the clinc tour!

Purple - thank you for sharing about youy adoption experince. I'd say your little boy is very lucky to have a mum like you!

Well it is now CD10 for me. Body signals are a little off this month post IVF. Normally get ovulation pain and gurgly stomach cd 10 onwards but I have been having these symptoms since a few days ago minus the EWCM. Very odd. Also had a speck of blood which I guess is readjustment of hormones. Did the deed in the old fashioned way last night - what the hell!!

Emotions are crazy. Not been grieving badly for the lost cycle / embryo (although we were desperate for it to work). I think the fear of what medical thing will happen next is overiding everything and that is where my energy and anxiety is lying. My DH has been brill and insists that too much good stuff went well (ie multiple blastocysts) and it's just a matter of time. This really does help as it is so easy to lose hope. But then again, that is a protective mechanism. When you get knock after knock in such a short space of time its easier to feel it can't happen as all your past experinces points to negative outcomes. Ah well, onwards and upwards. We WILL keep going!!!!

purple thanks I will pm you

nelly thanks for your thoughtful reply about adoption. And buzzy to answer your question: we have no connections to our son's bio family. He was found at a roadside at one day old and lucky to have survived that. International adoption, not UK and not involving the UK at all. So, I'm a bit crap at advice re the UK system but in terms of motivation, feelings and possibilities to 'work' a system, if anyone has any interest (not to adopt but even to explore feelings about it) please PM me (I don't want to hijack the thread with adoption). Let's be clear, we all want a child here and working out how and why and where this could go is worth a shot, right? Age is an issue in adoption but it's not the same issue in TTC.

carriethat's good to know about the age limit - if you've worked out my secret hobbling I don't think anyone could accuse me of being a couch potato . I might start giving it a bit more thought then.

I am shocked by the fact you have been given unmonitored clomid with your history. Time for some foot stamping I think. Or as buzzy says if it's Superovulation then you'd still think they would monitor you. The mind boggles.

Dear London people - can i please crash with one of you? It seems that if I wanted to do Mild or Natural IVF then Create is the only place in the UK that does it? OR IVM, though I have to say reading about that freaks me out a little bit for some unknown reason .

Right off to secret hobble and then stuff my face. We picked up a tasty low fat recipe from BiL from holidays - shepherds pie but with Turkey mince instead of beef and sweet potato topping. It's very yum, but not sure where it fits in the Brown diet! Also I don't actually need to lose weight, it's Mr Nelly that does, so I will have to find some more unhealthy puddings to make up for it .

nelly I haven't looked at the grad thread, not really sure where it is, but I think I would feel a bit too

carrie are you on the clomid for super ovulation then???

Welly as far as I know they removed the age restrictions on adoption. The only problem with saying that is that you still have to get approval at adoption panel and it depends how lively and active you are lol and no I am not saying your sat in your arm chair knitting, its just they need to know you have the years left in you to bring up a child and you sound like you do. I think there is a lot of pre-conceptions about adoption and I kind of work in that arena so I would suggest anyone thinking to have a look and really see before writing yourslef off.
I am agree with you both in that its bllody stupid my orginal cons was good and really looked at my history but the last person was cover while he was away and hadn't a clue. I am not being monitored at all and have endo, a previous ectopic and had ovarian hyperstimulation years ago without treatment which shocked the hospital at the time. I'm still suprised they put me on it at all, I don't think my gyne would be happy.
I ovulate every month so don't see why treating me for the one thing that is working is the best option at all.

We all depress ourseleves and over think at times, this place is a sanity saver where we can freak out without getting sectioned lol.
I would opt for closeness for ease to get to appointments if it was me

Hello hocus glad we have been of help so far, this thread is really amazing :)

carrie that sounds so frustrating, I agree with buzzy that the whole thing is just so inconsistent, disorganised and downright frustrating. I don't know much about Clomid etc but it doesn't sound right that you are in so much pain when ovulating, are you being monitored? (sorry if you've said)

Going back to the earlier post, purple thanks so much for posting that, I love how you said that it felt cool to have a child that wasn't biologically related to you. It's lots of food for thought for me at least, albeit I'm not actually sure that adoption would be realistically possible here. I've not looked into it, but suspect there is an age cut off, which I'm no doubt past.

I'm sorry your family squabbles are still kicking off lady - all you need, I'm sure.

So I managed to successfully depress myself by reading our 10+ers Grad thread. I don't know why it depressed me so much, as I was so happy for each and every one of them, but the monster is clearly still there. It just felt so unreal and unattainable to read of their symptoms and scans and looking at baby stuff. I am clearly having one of those down days where it feels like nothing will ever work. To capitalise on feeling shit, I raided my cupboard and discovered that both my cheapy internet HPTs and the not so cheap clearblue OPK are now out of date. So I peed on the OPK and didn't get a smiley face, which led me to conclude that I'm never going to ovulate ever again . Obsessed and panicking? Oh no not me!

However I did do some proper research into IVF in Scotland. There are only 3 clinics in our area really. One is the NHS unit that also does private, but the doc there told me it's still a 6/7 month wait for private IVF. The other two are both private. I initially was drawn towards one (Glasgow, it was cheaper) but now think the other one might be better - Edinburgh. The docs are more biased towards IVF, whereas the first clinic had lots of docs specialising in endo or PCOS etc, I don't have any of those things, so just want lots of pure IVF specialists please! Edinburgh is more expensive but a much better location in terms of getting to appointments. And, sucker that I am for a good PR spiel, they are using a relatively new technique (I think) called Embryoglue which as it's name suggests seems to encourage implantation. It appears to increase success rates, which is always good. Anyway I have left a voicemail to go for a free tour and mini-consultation, so fingers crossed that is fairly soon. Hmm, I guess that's the first step then. :(

carrie Its shit that the depts can't work together, its all due to the stupid way the funding works, everything has to be booked through my GP as she holds the purse strings. I would go and speak to your GP or see if you can call the gyne dept just to double check that is correct. Its totally frustrating when they give you info that condradicts what you have been told in the past. There are other tablets you could take, Letrozole and Tamoxifen. I'm going to try gonal f next week. I tried Tamoxifen and didn't find it too bad for side affects. I have to say is that I feel crap on the extra progesterone

Hello hocus and welcome.
All to all I am still around just lurking and thinking about next steps.
I have started 2nd cycle of clomid and feel worse than ever, I was worried about emotional side effects and I have none (other than usual ttc stress) but the night sweats, sickness and the pain I got ovulating last month is just too much for me. Tomorrow I will call the consultant and see if there's anything else.
I am still having awful AF's but they said if I sought gyne treatment then they would close me at the fertility clinic. I can't see why it can't be looked at by them as its endo that's the problem. Last consultant said this had no bearing on fertility even though I have been told since diagnosed as a teen it does!
Rant over and arghhhhh

hocus welcome and good luck with your lap and dye on Friday, there is a rough guide to us on the first page of this thread although it is a bit out of date

Hello lovely ladies,

Could I join your thread?

I?ve been lurking for a few months in denial not feeling quite brave enough to actually post before now. I have to tell you how much I have got out of simply reading your posts ? there have been times when I?ve thought I?ve been going a bit mental or just being silly and need to get a grip, but reading about you all going through similar things or having similar feelings has really helped me! I reckon it?s selfish of me to take take take and not give anything back, so I hope maybe I can :)

A little about me? I?ve just turned 32, Mr Hocus, 43, TTC our first for 15 months with no luck so far. First went to Doc's in Feb and had all the usual suspect tests, which have all come back fine. Referred to Fertility Clinic at the Hospital, saw Consultant and was booked in for ultrasound (fannycam.. glamorous!) which was normal/fine, and a Lap and Dye, which I have got on Friday..! Eeek!

Newbie waves to all! :)

princess I think its totally ridiculous for anyone to NOT expect women to obsess about TTC especially in our situation, the consultant at St Helier couldn't understand why I was upset she also told me that she had no concerns about me having a baby, I'm seeing her on Monday so it will be interesting to see what she says as its been 7 months and nothing, its been 10 months since I last fell pregnant.

purple can I ask about adoption, how much imput does your DS's bio family have ???

lady sorry about the family dramas, i suppose one of the upsides to being disowned is that I have very little family drama in my life, Italy is lovely accept Naple which is a dump, but they have really cleaned up on the begging and pick pocketing.

nelly on the spotting, its frustrating

All this talk of holidays and returning from sunny places is making me look at holiday options instead of working! Makes a change from ttc googling I guess!

Artemis ? The funding is for IVF/ICSI, we had thought it would be the end of the year so it?s good news.

Lemons ? sorry about the crappy month ahead. I wrote quite a lot during my first IVF cycle, and dabbled in poetry ? mainly when I couldn?t sleep as I found it was a good way of expressing my feelings.

Joycep ? glad you had a lovely holiday, though sorry about AF arriving. I worked out that mine will be due on my hols in July, the day before my 30th. I?m really looking forward to that one?

Princess ? at your consultant talking over you, glad your DH was supportive.

Gin ? I think I?ll feel ready by August. I was so relieved when the nurse said that now the funding is available we can do it when we are ready, I thought they might have dictated the timescales. It took me nearly 3 months to feel even vaguely normal after the last cycle so I want to feel 100% ready before going down that road again. I can't remember, what are your next steps now?

Nelly ? I can?t imagine injecting myself for so long. The few weeks just about did me in. Like gin, I had pessaries for progesterone. I?ve read somewhere that some places use injections as the absorption rates of pessaries aren?t guaranteed. For my next round, I?ve got a prescription for a double dose to try and combat the spotting I had on my last cycle.

Buzzy ? Very jealous of your Italy trip, it?s fast becoming my favourite country, I'm trying to persuade DH to plan a trip for later this year. Glad you had a good time.

My only contribution to the bottom conversation is that mine is hurting from all the sitting on the fence I?m doing at the moment. The family drama continues!!

Waves to all you lovely ladies!

Some very thought provoking and highbrow chat today!! except for the stuff about bumholes. Thanks so much purple for your response, I'll digest and respond more later on. I think you must be superwoman princess between the DIY and the philosophy reading - quite the range of interests! Welcome back buzzy. And hello joy and everyone else, will be back properly later. Oh yeah the spotting hasn't reappeared, it was one tiny drop, but feel periody today

X-posted with your very interesting and positive post princess and buzzybee glad to see we can keep up the bum chat in a more useful way than my nicked contribution.
Waves.

princess - i am glad your DH stood up for you...how dare he say chill out ! Even if it was said in good gest, to my ears he might as well have told me ? I have no understanding of what you are going through?. 13 day LP is great! That must mean your progesterone levels are going up. I can?t believe diet alone has done that ? my LP will not budge above 11.

gin - sorry about the covenous hen party. Sounds hideous. Did you have all these migraines and painful ovaries before you had ivf? It really sounds unpleasant, poor you. and cystitis? Urgh

artemis - interesting that Mr (lord) Winstom is campaigning to cap prices of ivf. I remember he said it cost about 30p to freeze embryos, yet people are charged about £750 for the pleasure. That is surely wrong and clearly they are praying on people?s desperation and misery. However, he also has a huge axe to grind especially with a certain big ivf clinic. He really was kicked out of the ivf world because he was plain wrong about many things ? he said there was no truth in blastocyst transfers and refused to do them and he still goes on television to say there is no truth in the immune system playing a role in infertility. That has led the way for people like MR T at argc who do believe in immunes to be such a success and get the results and therefore can pay himself £25m in dividends. I hope he does plough some of it back into research etc. It?s now something like 45 out of 50 of the top richest doctors in the world who are now fertility doctors which is scary. I think it is dangerous when you can earn so much money from something like fertility ? you pave the way for charletans and people are motivated by money rather than research and altruistic reasons (haha). I do wish there was a payscale system where if you have a failed cycle then you pay less. £8k or however much it costs on something that doesn?t work is not funny.

nelly - it?s interesting hearing your thoughts on the ups of not having kids. On bad days I can?t even contemplate that outcome and on good days I think there will be some positives if it doesn?t happen. It?s nice that you could talk to your sister about ivf but I?m sorry it meant you couldn?t totally forget about it on your hols. Spotting on day 12? I got random bleeding after my hsg. Perhaps it?s stuff just making its way out?

keith - I?m always up for a bit of woo and your lady sounds good. I?m a total sucker for these things although it is slowly getting in to my head that perhaps i need the class a drugs to get me preggo....or perhaps it is just antibiotics I need. My parent?s dog is on antibiotics at the moment ? do you think that will work? Perhaps I will just go in to Granny?s medicine cupboard instead . I?ve been eyeing up her steroids as well.

I cannot get hold of my nhs consultant. I thought it was weird when she just said ?call me up when you are back from holidays?. I only have a number for reception and by the tone of the woman?s voice, I am not sure I can trust her to pass on my messages. This is going to be as tricky as getting through to the HMRC.

nelly your question is very interesting and you certainly shouldn't mind your own beeswax. In a perfect world I wanted to adopt and have biological kids. The experiences are different ones. I do realize that adoption most often falls into the "last resort" category of building a family, which is something I sometime struggle to accept in a way that, of course, I don't with IVF or donor eggs. Perhaps if I had popped out kids at will the idea of adoption would have fallen away. Kids absorb your time and thoughts as we all know and it may never have happened. Certainly in the first year our son was with us (adopted as an infant) I didn't give TTC or a second adoption much thought because there was this wonderful new human in our lives. I'm amazed that people plan a second when the first is so tiny, it wasn't my experience at all (and not because it was tough - much easier than I imagined). He is two and a half now and its a wonderful thing. Then enters the sibling issue. If he is to be an only child, he and we will be fine but the there is a hole, but perhaps not the same one. You are right, of course, it's hard to say.

I feel an strong urgency to have another child and to give our son a sibling, not so much to be pregnant and give birth but that too that too that too A second adoption is not a option for us now (perhaps it will be in the future, but it's complicated and we don't know for sure). As I mentioned, because I have a child I mix with the diffed at will on a daily basis which just comes as part of the deal. I'm generally assumed to be barren and at peace with that, as observers work with the "last resort" theory of adoption. This has some of it's own consequences: I get asked rarely about more kids so I guess I suffer less from the 'when are you starting a family' but I'm not sheltered from the constant baby blah blah, present for it but not included in it which is not always comfortable.

It's possible that the adoption process itself has given me exposure to the world of 'it's not fair' beyond the TTC process. The unequally nature of what we are given in life and how we are treated by organizations and individuals is ever present (silly example: the organization I was working for gave me no leave to adopt our son, if he was my biological child it would have been an absolute right). And ultimately, of course, if the world was a fair and decent place he would not be our son at all. Has this made me more able to accept that things don't work as we would wish? It sure doesn't feel kind it, but it's possible.

As far as the lack of biological 'connection', on a personal level I celebrate it and love it. For me it's positive, cool and interesting. On a social level it's complicated where we live currently as we throw up some challenges for those around us. But this is something specific and something to be thrown into the 'stupid world' bucket.

Does all this stop me thinking about TTC day and night, hell no.

nelly thanks for asking. It was a bit long, sorry.

Off topic and double snort at euro's exit. I strayed onto Dadsnet the other day saddo and as it's exit-related, I'll repeat a response which is just pure class.

"Imagine doing a poo. Now imagine doing it backwards. There you go, no need to bother him about it any further."

morning ladies, well i'm home today which is good as i'm still totally shattered
on the progesterone front I use the back door and have no leaks, I really am a tight arse although I think they are making me feel nauseous

dave sorry you've both been unwell, there were no eggs in the nest when we evicted them. I couldn't get over the amount of bird poo.

on the woo front I've been having acupunture and herbs, they have helped my migraines but not in the baby making dept, a woman I know on a different site said she had reikei?? I find that a bit far fetched

anyway i'm off to finish cleaning up waves to everyone

Morning all,

I have at lots of the shenanigans on here this morning. Notably, Jim & Artemis's rock solid pelvic floors - impressive, Nelly's PJs, stern words, rice pudding and sexy vet, Purples with who? jibe, the debate between pessaries up the front or round the back creases up with laughter - pessary is just such a funny word and I'm such a child and now it makes me think that they could make pessaries more fun by making them in shapes such as smurfs snigger, snigger

I am not liking the sound of the hen do though Jim that sounds very difficult. I think I have been sheltered from pregnancy and birth announcements over the last few weeks and it's so much nicer. No more until me please. Unless of course they are on here and then they are 11 on the 0 - 10 deserved scale.

Buzzy welcome back after what seems like a long time. Glad you had a lovely holiday. Thank you for your Trevi fountain wishes.

Cheggers loving the sound of your massage. That sounds really lovely. And see why can't the doctors take on board that when they tell you to chill perhaps they should suggest how you do this or perhaps offer hypnotherapy for TTC, you are feeling sleepy, you will not think about babies, you will not obsess about baby aspirin and cough medicine, you do not need to worry about avoiding dairy etc etc etc Maybe this would make their lives easier too. I think perhaps David Cameron has had some of this, I hear he is good and chillaxing and forgetting about his babies.... ha ha ha.

Euro glad you are enjoying the reflexology. It really is the best form of relaxation, I'm totally hooked. I had a touch of a cold over the weekend and felt it in my sinus point on my toes. Very bizarre! Cold has passed, must be something to do with the vast quantity of vitamins I'm taking at the moment!

So the OPK thang.... to clear this up a bit

he said: "you know when you ovulate, right?"
me: confidently, "Oh yes!" what I actually meant was "No! But you are quite scary and will tell me I'm stoopid if I don't say yes. Sometimes I think I do but other times I'm not so sure and I'm v proud of my recent + OPK and sticking to the brown diet which you definitely don't want to hear about and I need to track this stuff to see if the brown is doing any good and to get a feel for my cycles properly now the bloody stix work. You so don't understand old man"
he said: "and you are having regular sex, 2 - 3 days a week"
me: confidently, "oh yes" ^what I actually meant was "sort of in a not trying properly at ov time because of my supplement regime but otherwise yes and sometimes more or maybe less depending on how we are feeling because we are not 2 - 3 times a week robots. But I'm definitely getting more than you, old man"
he said: "well, you will hit the jackpot and don't need to use OPKs"
me: "oh that's good, so I don't need to use the OPKS"
he said "No."

The useless bit was more aimed at his superior knowledge of my cycles based on me telling him that my periods are now 27 - 30 days long and his innate understanding of my unique genetic make-up and lady cycles i.e. he doesn't need to be told when to do my blood test and that's his decision because he is God, I mean the Fertility Consultant. Arrogant, yes but I feel like I am ultimately in control, he is my bitch now and I have delegated TTC research to him. See how ya like those chestnuts Mr Eros.

I'm sure they are imperative for other treatments but he doesn't think there is anything that they can bring to the party for me.

In all seriousness though, because I don't want to give off any flippant or unhelpful vibes, these are my thoughts in reflection on the meeting yesterday (not that I am obsessing in any way, shape or form... as Nelly said "no waaaaaaaaaaaaaay." ) As a doctor he was very knowledgeable, sharp, transparent, articulate, blunt and treated our problems seriously. I didn't feel fobbed off and he is taking sensible steps to sort this out. I feel reassured that he is confident that we can get there without treatment, he must see 100s of women at his NHS and private clinics, this has cheered me up a little. I do feel like I'm in good hands and I'm not going to take flippant comments to heart, I've done that before and the only person who suffers is me and OH If he was a nasty man who wanted to make money he could have just referred me to the local private clinic for unnecessary treatment but he didn't. He did make me feel small over the chill / obsessing thing and I'm still smarting a little, but annoyingly, I think he is right and this is probably why it stung so much - I couldn't say "no" or "I don't agree" because I would have been lying. And OH stuck up for me anyway and Mum and Dad did too when I spoke to them. So at least I don't feel like a complete loon. Yes, this could have been put by him more tactfully but as my Mum said he is a man of a certain age and will just have a different way of operating, plus they have to be cold to do their jobs properly. I have been told to chill so many times about TTC and loads of other stuff in life so I have decided that rather than getting angry I'm going to try and do something about it - take it as constructive criticism if you like. I have bought a book called 'Mindfulness' which teaches a technique called "mindful cognitive therapy'. By reading this book and doing exercises for 30 minutes each day I am removing some of the time that I would obsess or research TTC stuff. I can't keep beating myself up over this, even I recognise that I'm a bit a lot OCTTCD (obsessive compulsive TTC disorder). It's not easy to give up an addiction, so far I've done smoking, caffeine, alcohol and dairy but the last thing I have to do is to stop the goggling and manic researching and constant thinking about babies and pregnancy. I don't' want to be boring anymore or only be able to talk about myself / my problems with family and friends. I want to be able to tell them interesting stuff again. I had a lovely evening last night, reading the mindful book, reading some Alain de Botton and learning about Aristotle (philosophy lite but I need something lite to get me back in the swing. I read Sartre, Camus, De Beauvoir last year but am totally not in that head space right now and I'm not going to beat myself up for not being able to tackle more heady reads) watching a bit of naff telly, talking about our restoration project and getting an early night. Tonight, I will do a bit of the same with a trip to Waitrose and maybe a french film thrown in. I will still be here telling you my stuff because this thread is a force for good and an open space to express TTC woes and concerns. The wanting a baby isn't going to vanish but I would like to control it better. After all, it's a biological urge and I don't think they are so easy to reign in! You lot are also new friends and I really love spending time with you all, albeit in a virtual space. I love hearing your news and sharing my news with you. Don't worry I'm not going anywhere, just may be here less with my energies focusing on other things.

Artemis I don't know what those other blood tests are for. I had a quick look on wikipedia yesterday, didn't really understand so left it alone. If they are not a problem I don't need to know and if they are a problem I'm sure the Consultant will explain or I can phone up my sister who will be able to understand. For now, ignorance is bliss!

I probably sound a bit like a new age wanker. I hope I don't come across like that!! I haven't got into crystals yet, I may need a fish slap if at any point I come back talking about healing crystals and chakra cleansing... Right, back to work. Waves and loves to you all. :)