Just MC and ready to try again? Pregnant after MC and seeking somewhere safe to hide? Come on down to the mosh pit for some serious metalling and cake

it is quite nice being back at work as no-one seems to know why i have been off. i don't want to talk about it in rl as i can't be bothered with the well meaning advice. no-one can advise me unless they have been there. i am sure a few people might have guessed but they aren't saying anything. the only person who knows is a girl who has had two miscarriages before she had two children so i talk to her a bit about things.

the only problem is i need to hand my sicknote in and i know a few nosey buggers in payroll might ask me about it. i hope they don't it's supposed to be confidential but they are over familiar with me so might think it's ok to ask. it's not!

tas i always tell dh i'm a tough cookie but he rolls his eyes as he has seen me being very wimpy at times! i am tough when i need to be though!

madaboutmadmen thanks, I'm very up and down. Had an 'altercation' with my Mum this week and I cried for about 6 hours solidly. DD was surprisingly unphased, just wiped my tears with a bib! It was over something so stupid but she wouldnt stop shouting, it reminded me of being a small child and her going mad. . I'm starting my 6 wk block of counselling next week. I've had a couple of 'initials'. Anyway, enough of my moaning, so glad you have a wriggly baby!

marbles thanks, can you take aspirin for APS? Or am I getting confused (again!)

grandpoo hope you're feeling better

iloveblue thanks for your stats from the other thread, that is very reassuring

jaffa great news on the scan!

marathonmama congrats!

I shed a couple of tears about your cot, pebs. I have one of those pregnancy cushions that you have in bed, forgotten what they're called. I got one at about 10 wks pregnant as I had bad pelvic girdle pain with DD and was very uncomfortable lying down. Little did I know my baby was already dead

hi all, martha you're allowed to have a huff sometimes, it's stressful trying to make a baby. Also very unromantic. DH complains he's being milked . I tell him to take his pants off! Not that we've been trying lately.

chuckle I was also told try when you feel ready. I would say unless you have some specific problem, there's not much you can do. I did everything by the book and ended up with a MMC and an ectopic after that. I keep seeing heavily pregnant women smoking, I look at their bumps (I'd be about the same if not for the MMC) and feel such anger and bitterness. They're actively hurting their babies and they get to keep them. I did everything 'right' and my baby still died. Life is shit.

mrsnesbit thinking of you, so sorry you're going through it all again. But so happy that you have your DS. I imagine it doesn't take away all the pain of all your losses, but he is a miracle!

pebs how are you? Glad that your first day back at work was ok. You're a tough cookie, I'm still a wreck at work sometimes, I was sobbing on a colleague's shoulder yesterday.

i won't be getting rid of the cot, i never see it as it's hidden away in my garage. i was just reminded of the embarrassment of it all when i had to tell people i wouldn't have even told i was pg that i had mc if they hadn't seen/heard about it.

i do have some other baby stuff which i chose to buy but they don't bother me. that lot is piled up in the attic.

i don't think i would buy anything again until a baby is at my house. i will have to get some bits for hospital etc but other than that i will order it all online when i get home.

Good Morning All. Its one week today since I found out about my mmc and I have decided that today is the day I start pulling myself together. Can I ask a couple of questions first though....

Can I start ttc as soon as I have stopped bleeding? One doc said wait one cycle, one said wait three and the mc association seem to say its ok to get straight back on it???!?!

Also, is there anything (anything at all) that I can do to give next time a better chance of working out?

Off for a decaf brew now, start as you mean to go on and all that!

stats thread

pebs just get rid of the cot. sell it, give it to a charity shop. If you can be arsed find a worthy cause like a women's refuge. If MIL objects, explain yourelf and offer to give her the money for it. If she does object then it serves her right for jumping the gun. Even with DS I didn't have anything for him until I had a scare at about 30ish weeks and a the consultant warned me she might have to induce me at any moment, so we rushed out and bought stuff. I certainly would not get anything for another baby until much much later, though we do now have hand me downs. I probably wouldn't even get them out the loft till the day I went into hospital.

Yes, I get the embarrassment thing. Embarrassed that you told people something ("we're having a baby") and it turned out not to be correct. Embarrassment at other people's discomfort. Embarrassment at being so upset over the loss of something that, while it might have potentially been a baby, wasn't quite what most people consider a baby (probably more so for earlier losses). I have two friends who have had full term still born babies, both before my mc. They talk about them fairly openly, one has a picture in a frame amongst all the other family photos. It sort of paved the way for me, and I do talk about it when I need to or it seems appropriate. I think we should all talk about it. How often have you mentioned it and it turns out the person you are talking to has been through it as well? And don't you then feel sad that you could perhaps have had some extra RL support or offered it to someone else, in addition to the lovely support we get here?

iloveblue i think there is a stats thread somewhere....

No, no, marff not CHez Bruce this time, just a little local place...

Ohmygoodness, how did I miss saying CONGRATULATIONS! to dear marathon - so pleased to hear of the safe arrival of your daughter. Lovely news.

It's a year, tomorrow, since finding out that DS3 had passed... a year on the 1st April since his 'birthday' (talk about worst april fools joke ever). I feel ok, which is weird because his due date seemed to throw me more for a loop.

Anyway, trying to watch One Born Every Minute on +1 but DS2 being a massive bit of a pain and not letting me. Ho hum.

I've found it really interesting/helpful reading all your thoughts/experiences around embarrassment. It makes me think that perhaps it's kind of right that it isn't happening to just us, we have the miscarriage, they have to manage knowing someone who's had a miscarriage, even if they don't know how to deal with it, and even if the way it efffects them is totally different to how it effects us. And that's part of the hardship I think, for me, it was my awful experience, when my cramping subsided I thought "that's the last of the baby ebbing away", and suddenly I wanted the cramping to continue, and crazy thoughts like that can't really be understood without having experienced them. And they, the mad bits, are also a bit embarrassing, I think because they're kind of primal. I don't know if this it too much, but I tried to look for my baby in amongst the process, and that's maddening, heartbreaking stuff, but I didn't make a conscious choice to do so, I felt driven by something much more primal. And that's not the side of me I take into my day to day life normally, it's not a part of me I've been in touch with before, it's the opposite of a professional or friendly chat over a coffee veneer. Actually, I don't think I'm embarrassed by that so much as I just feel awkward about this part of me I hadn't known before, and about how to accommodate it into my sense of myself.

jaffa, brilliant news!

I kind of know what you mean about embarrassment, like I did and didn't want to talk to people because, yes, the upsetting them, and also I wanted people to feel for me but at the same time not be obviously "feeling sorry for me" or making me feel like I had to do a particular expected performance of grief, esp people who hadn't gone through it. Definitely by far the easiest people to talk to were here and RL friends who'd had miscarriages. And in fairness to other people, I cringe a bit now at how I was with a friend who had a late loss a few years ago (now a mum of two): a kind of awful combination of tiptoeing round the subject and not mentioning it and awkward "god I'm so sorry"s.

Hi again ladies

mrsn I'm really hoping that this is not the end - and that this is still your miracle.

pebspop your cot story is so heartbreaking.

jaffa great news about your scan today.

Hi to wrigle, manda, tlm, bonzo and titsalina (love your name btw

I can also relate to the feeling embarrassed about having mc's ridiculousness. Its almost like - how can it be so easy for some people but my body can't manage it (I have to add her that I am very aware of how lucky I am to have two boys already - to be childless and to have a mc/s must be unimaginably painful). I remember feeling like a failure too, particularly after my late loss - and felt guilty that my family and friends were also feeling sad too.
I also agree manda that it is still such a taboo topic when it shouldn't be. Sometimes all I wanted to do was talk about it when others shied away or worse still didn't even mention it.

I've been having a few mild cramps and back pain this evening - which if I was in a normal state of mind would probably pass me by, but I'm not.
So I've decided I'm going to ring my GP in the morning and see if he will refer me to my EPU for a scan. My dating scan is not till the 9th April and I'm not sure I can wait that long without going a bit insane.

Would it be possible to have a quick round up of everyone and where they are up to at the moment - or does it already exist somewhere?

I have that bloody cot as my mil made me go shopping after my 12 week scan on my 2nd pg. When I lost the baby at 20 weeks. she bought it and mamas and papas just turned up with it one day. There was no delivery date planned. I was at work so my neighbour took it in and told everyone on my street I was pg so then I had to tell them all the bad news. My cleaner also saw it and it was the first thing she mentioned when I told her about mc.

I hate the bloody thing. It's hidden in my garage at the moment the boxes have never been opened.

"I feel embarrassed that I have a cot that isn't being used", that line really kicked me. I know what you mean Pebspop. I felt bad that I'd turned my partner from someone who didn't want kids into somone who was afraid of losing me and suffering from seeing me suffer.

And I also get what you're saying MHNK, about the complex situaiton of telling people news that would upset the and at the same time kind of thinking the world makes more sense if it shares my grief. It meant so much to me that a mother I'm not close to finally became interested in me and very excited about the baby, I couldn't tell her, again it was my brave partner who stepped up to tell her.

Any hospital/GP staff I've come across have been in a damned if they do/don't situation with me. I steadfastly do not want their sympathy faces, I want them to keep their records up to date so that I don't have to inform them at each stage along the way why I'm there. But if they had not donned sympathy stances they could be criticised for the absence of that.

Of course we should each have the right to say how much we want others to know our personal experiences. But up until this experience I was Jo Public and clueless, because I was too stupid to push for more detail or my friends were too kind to divulge the details. Great, now I'm angry with myself as well! Midgetm, I may need a few moments in that moshpit if there's room.

I should say, I'm 39 and only recently realised I want a family. I'm kicking myself for my lack of insight.

Wrigle I would say that embarrassment was the first emotion I felt when I found out about first ever mc. I have never told anyone that before as I feel bad about it.

I feel embarrassed that I am not capable of doing something so many other people can. I feel embarrassed for getting excited about being pg and choosing what I Wang to buy a baby.

I feel embarrassed that I have a cot that isn't being used.

I hate the whole bloody thing to be honest.

My life has always been easy going, everything has been easy for me and now I have found something so difficult and there's not much I can do but hope and keep my fingers crossed.

mrsN Ugh, so it's limbo for you. I know, I know, you've been there too many times and know the drill... but stranger things have happened at sea and all that. God knows I don't want this to sound trite (it might anyway, so I do apologise in advance if so... I just feel it important to say) but as you are, y'know, kinda mature, and as we all know our egg quality does decline with age, have you looked at high dose b vits to try and improve your egg quality? I'm a huge advocate of the hugh dose b vits for multiple reasons (as the regulars here will know), but in your case, I mention as women going through IVF who take high dose b vits whilst in the follicular stage of their cycle have been noted to produce more and 'better quality' eggs. For anyone, I feel this is a good reason to take them - obviously some more than others will particularly benefit.

I hope I don't sound like a woo fairy, blowing sunshine up your arse: la, la, la, all you need to do is take vitamins, dontcha know?!

I just... something to consider, eh? That's IF things haven't worked out.

Jaffa WOOHOOOOOO lady, that is awesome news!

Ilove Hey, welcome and come on in. There're a few of us here with later losses - makes for a special variety of metalling once a bfp is achieved but with hand holding many of us are 'getting there'. Reassuring stats from the other thread, too.

wrigle I, too, felt an embarassment. Wait. Is that really what I felt? I mean... I felt awful to have to tell people the bad news, knowing it would make them feel bad too, y'know? I also fretted about not telling/talking about it to people though - I wanted to talk but didn't want to upset people and pardoxically didn't want people to ignore it because I wanted them to be as upset as me. That whole 'the world keeps on turning and life goes on for everyone else ' was quite difficult to deal with.

I don't know that there is any hard or fast answers - yes, mc is more common than most of ever realised before but is still taboo. And if not quite taboo then just so... emotive it's difficult to guage in 'polite society'. As members of the club ourselves I think most of use recognise that a) it's usually only other 'members' who know the 'right' or 'almost right' thing to say - those who don't 'know' often - and well meaning - put their feet in their mouths. How many of us have suffered insensitive comments, some that may have cut to the quick, but when looked at objectively we know were said with the 'best intention'. Even knowing that, we just wish, for the most part, they'd stfu. So 'they' (non club members) for the most part, can't really win. Damned if they do, damned if they don't. So, therefore, b) it's really important to seek out those who do know and so can offer the right kind of support - even if it's 'only' an ear.

At least we have sites like this. I can't imagine what a basket case I'd have been without MN, tbh, and my goodness how did women cope before MN and the internet in general? valium? seriously!

Rambly, much. I should probably proof read/edit but this is already ataking forever... must post, gotta go out for dinner...

Well, it's DF's birthday today! 35! My toyboy . So, naturally, he's had ds2 most of the day whilst I went to get my hair done! And... it's not a disaster! It's still a work in progress, not entirely 'there' yet, but I don't wanna cry so that's a step forward!

Tomorrow, I shall need a morning pass out of the mosh pit for that New Look thingy. I hope I manage to sleep tonight! I had to get up at stupid o'clock this morning cos I just. Can't. Sleep. And the bags are starting to show under my eyes!

Jaffa, great news :) I'm still hoping for a wtf cycle conception.... My cycles are 'wtf' at the best of times, so never have a clue when I'm OVing. Have been metalling somewhat again today.

MrsN, so sorry :( Am keeping everything crossed that you get a positive outcome, despite the odds. I have to go to A&E when I'm MCing too, can't manage the pain at home, it's definitely worse than I remember labour being...

Have only skim-read the thread, but welcome to the newbies, I'm new myself and have found this thread really helpful and welcoming.

I've been feeling strangely rebellious over the past few days, not been taking my folic acid, want to just stuff my face with brie, pate, prawns etc just to tempt fate into giving me a BFP so I can then feel guilty. I think I'm on the 2ww, but when I'm not on Clomid, the 2ww can often turn into a 10ww with no BFP. Anyway, what else can I do to tempt fate...?

Oh, I do have a question though. How long was your WTF cycle? I can't remember my previous one (as I went right off the idea of ttc for about a year after it so was just glad not to see AF for a while). I need some distraction as the Easter holidays are going to drag if I spend all my time metalling as much as I have over the past week. It's exhausting! Relaxing with a curry tonight with DH (quite a treat as he's doing Slimming World so tends to avoid takeaways).

Sorry for all the unconnected random ramblings. Will shut up now

I'm curious about the embarrassment (by the way I can't spell and haven't seen a spell check on this site yet so apologies). An MC is a physical and emotional crisis. We're not choosing to put ourselves in the position to have an MC but to have a lovely baby, and unfortunately it dosn't always go that way and some very brave women try a million times in the face of multiple miscarriages even though they are far from hey ho experiences, so why should we feel embarrassed? My experience of this so far, as a newbie to both pregnancy and MC, is to wonder why, aside from MN, women don't talk about this more and in great expansive gory detail. I have some degree of embarrassment too, I put it down to being a very private person and now all these lovely people look at me with pity and treat me with kid gloves. But I was deserving of their sympathy and special consideration, we are all when it happens. I'm wondering if it is still somewhat taboo to talk about lady troubles? I want to be clear, I am still hormonal and am angry, but not at MNers, you have been the place where I have been able to think and work out wtf happened, so I am just wondering alloud! Im curious to hear people's thoughts about the embarrassment.

jaffa

Phew, a relieved and cautiously cheerful Jaffa here. One baby, heart beating measuring 7 +6. I make myself 7+5 so good enough, for a wtf cycle conception! I know I still have such a long way to go, I won't stop worrying until I get past the 17 wk part, but still, it is a step forward! Thank you for your fx.