Fantastic 40+ thread - part 6

Hi clicking, I remember when you posted re your BFP, great to hear from you again and thanks a lot for replying. I'm thinking I should a doctor a friend sees, just for smear test, which I'm due for and see what I think. I know he is an IVF dude, but thats pretty normal here.
My other half is open to the idea of getting another SA (was fine before), could have changed of course but our life styles haven't changed since the last one. Yes, I agree even the results don't tell the whole story and I think that it would take some really bad results to give up completely.
Would be most happy to adopt again but we are not able to start another adoption process in the next year or two, hence the attempts at a 'home made' version.

gum Twirly and inca hugs to you all, so sorry things haven't worked out.

gum I know exactly what you mean about it being all you think of, I can't go a day without feeling waves of sadness despite the fact I'm doing everything I can to (a).try and live my life and think of other things (b). as 'helpful' friends have told me be grateful for what I have and (c). trying hypnotherapy, acupuncture, getting on the list for donor eggs etc etc

you ladies on here are the only ones that are able to understand and aren't judgemental in telling me I need to get on with my life and be thankful and to stop obsessing....I don't need reminding about this, I am thankful but I still want what I want and nothing can change that at the moment - I know it would be healthier to focus on other things but right now I'm not ready to!

Anyway rant over! Welcome to all the newbies, you'll find this thread a great source of information and support as all the ladies here are lovely :-)

Hello Purpledragon - I'm a bit of an interloper here too but do like to come and say hello to everyone here and wish them all the best.

There's lots to say in answer to your very interesting post. The 'having a lot of sex' thing is a myth. You just need to have sex near ov - and only once if that's what suits you! In fact I spent about a year having a lot of sex EOD before we discovered that my partner's sperm count wasn't great. Then I fell pg in mid April and that month we waited 5 days before sex right on time for ovulation.

It's wonderful that you are parents to a lovely toddler already - is a second adoption something you are also considering?

Like you, we didn't want to go for IVF, mainly because I was scared of the meds. Also, I had my first child with my partner very easily (little did I imagine it would take well over a year for this one) when I was 38, so it seemed unlikely that IVF would improve the odds. By the time I fell pg I was about to cave in and throw money at ICSI - I was v lucky that we were pipped at the post by a BFP. Having said that, we did everything else we could think of to help ourselves diet etc. I had all the tests last year to rule myself out as the issue (despite commments from health professionals about my age and my eggs!) then finally nagged DP into going for a test so I could stop having a go at him about his alcohol intake (moderate-ish but daily). When he got poor results he finally agreed to ditch the booze and I sent him for acupuncture, which I'd had with first pg and was having again for fertility. 12 weeks of DP's new lifestyle and we fell pg.... I'm not saying this is necessarily the answer for everyone, as we are all different, but I just thought it might help. Of course, I appreciate that at 40.6 I have a long way to go before this baby is born and as I'm only 8wks pg everything is far from guaranteed but I am over the moon to have finally cracked the egg after about 18 cycles of being fertile but not getting anywhere. I'm aware that you have hoped for a family for years - so I do wish you the very best of luck, whichever way you go. Btw - I had the AMH test result and a follicle count - it was quite positive so that gave me encouragement to keep trying. However, you're right about it being stressful, and I'm not sure how I would have felt if I'd had bad results. Also I know women who have had babies who would have had low AMH results if they'd ever tested (ie, one friend who was 45 with first DC and never tested, and one lady who is quite young and got a v bad AMH result and still fell pg quickly afterwards), so take that as you choose but it does seem like the results were pointless. However, if we'd never tested DP we wouldn't be pg now, so I do believe that personally I need the information about our joint fertility. I was going pretty bonkers TTC2 though, especially as DS had come along the second month of moving in with DP and we could have done with a bit of time getting cosy together first. It's sod's law eh? But I'm not really complaining; I feel incredibly blessed to have my family.

Good luck and sorry if that doesn't answer your questions.

How are all you other ladies? Sorry to hear some sad histories for some of you - you have my thoughts and I do hope that your dream comes true.

Hello all, I'm crashing and hope that's ok. Been reading for a bit.

Firstly, so sorry for all the bad news recently, it really is a rough road.

I wanted to see if I could get some advice or points of view, considering the wealth of TTC experience here. Again, I hope this is ok.

I'm a cheeky 39 and three quarters. It was in part the approach of the fab 40s that prompted me to take another look at enaging with the slim chance of shagging that makes a baby. We have been married a long time and always wanted kids, never saw a biological child as the neccessary route and have an adopted child who is now a toddler. He is another reason for the renewed efforts, yes the sibling thing.

I'm better educated than I have ever been, ovuluate each month if my chart is to be be believed, take EPO for my rubbish CM (not that much/any difference noted). Great, fresh, home cooked diet and pretend to drink a bit less wine. We do time 'shag week' because it just wouldn't happen with the comical idea of just having sex throughout cycle.

So, I figure we are doing what we can. Here's the thing: I know I don't want IVF and live in a part of the world where all meds are grossly overprescribed and aggressively administered (and private of course). We had all basic checks done when I was 35, no issues found, no diagnosis. The whole process was a mess and stressful (this in the US). I was told repeatedly that I 'just wasn't having enough sex'. I think we can all agree this is more than annoying but I kind of hold out a little bit of hope this could be part of our issue - hence shag week. Is there a good reason for us to go and have more tests? I know that things can change but I I'm questioning the value of the information, in the context of it being a stressful process in itself particularly in an environment where I feel that a 40 year old who doesn't want IVF will be seen as a bit of a joke. Could anyone guide me as to what I'm likely to learn and want if any age-related tests could be useful to me. Is it just a case of, we could get some really crappy results and concede that I should put TTC out of my mind?

I know I could have started a thread for this, but have been meaning to introduce myself here.

Wishing all well.

Yes, back to work Wednesday. Welcome distraction. The names thing always hurts, so novel writing and cat breeding helps sublimate that one! Bit worried I'll have a baby and all names used up! Lol. Hope your wine is good as mine.... :-)

Hugs back Inca, fingers crossed for us both. I am on the wine too! So sorry to hear about your previous losses. I had a suspected mc in October at what would be about 4+4 but never bothered to test so was never really sure. (pretty certain now it was one now I know I have been pg this time)

Went back to work today. Probably the right decision. Doc signed me off for 2 weeks but keeping the brain occupied seems to be helping.

Hi Gothin and gum, hugs.
Gothin, this would be my 1st baby too if I get lucky again. Three mmcs, 6 weeks, 14 weels (that was tough) and now 8 weeks. And as we all know, no time to hang about at42, either get trying or give up. I'm trying again because I don't want to look back with regrets. Meanwhile off worl, with wine siamese cats and hens including brand new little polish frizzle - looks like she's on her way to Ascot! Boy that codeine is strong!!!! By the way, does italiangreyhound actually have one? I've always wanted one! (Hic.)

I'm so sorry to read about the sad news. I know only too well how disheartening and overwhelming the feelings are.

For whoever asked about keeping going after multiple losses (this is my 7th pregnancy and I only have one child) I think it's something you just have to weigh up, are the cons of another loss worth the possible positive outcome. Someone (LunaticFringe I think) once likened it to buying a lottery ticket if the odds were only 50% of success, or only 25% or whatever. You'd still buy it. Now I'm not trying to compare a losing lottery ticket to the pain of an MC. I've had MMCs and early losses, ERPCs and natural resolutions and all have been difficult to come to terms with, but I felt I had to keep going (though I had "set" a deadline of June actually as that would have been 3 years TTC. Whether I would have extended it when the time came...?)

blackcats, what may be different this time is that I had been taking DHEA for a sufficient amount of time for it to have had effect (about 8 months) and also Agnus Castus for about 4 months. Nothing else on timing of SWI or diet or anything was different. Maybe this was just the right egg. Who knows.

Thinking of you all x

Much love to all the 40+ ladies who have suffered losses or received bad news. XXXXXXX

Gum sorry xxx
Inca sorry cx
Hi all ; hope all are well? Enjoying the sun?
We re good , took Phebs to her first theme park today; love it..
Love to all ( hi Italian, Diege, Lol, Hippy & Shandy xxxx )

Twirly and Inca - I am so sorry for you too. ,

Lots of bad news on here at the moment.

Welcome movelikejagger wishing you all the best.

gothinrecovery and tazpat welcome and so very sorry for your losses.

Hello Mrscupcake

Hugs to hippy, knicky, Diege, Miaalexandersmummy , lol, Blackcat, Jolly, Sparkly, Tina, angelgeorgie, Shandy, BBand all.

Gum I am so very sorry.

I just wanted to leave a post for Incaminka - sorry to hear about your scan.

Sorry to hear that Gum as well.

I am lurking on here atm mostly. Miscarried at 7 weeks a few days ago - first confirmed pregnancy at nearly 43. Just hoping that my ageing body has got a couple more decent eggs left somehow. :(

Sorry to hear that Gum - I think you've hit the nail on the head though as it's something I've been thinking of too. I feel not too bad this time and can hardly believe it's only been a couple of weeks, but I know that will pass and I'll get back to having that need.

I've certainly wondered the very same things. I'm surrounded by women - some younger than me - who are delighted that their kids will be leaving soon and are looking forward to doing their own things in their own time. Whereas I don't have anything like that - I just want children around me. I know I'm lucky to have the ones I have, and that however many I have I'll always have to face up to the next stage of my life, so I do think it's psychological. I have nothing else I want to do. I have a busy, successful career - and I could walk away from it tomorrow; it means nothing. I could do most of the things I wanted to, allowing for health issues and the fact that I'm not a millionaire, and there is absolutely nothing on the list.

I think it's a basic fear of getting old for me. I have loved this stage of my life and just want it to go on and go. I definitely need to face up to facts, but it's very hard.

Look after yourself x

Inca and tazpat, I'm so sorry for your losses. This ttc in our forties business is not for the fainthearted.It seems to require a great deal of courage,patience and emotional strength.

I know now I'm definitely having a miscarriage,or chemical as I am having what looks like a normal period.Thankfully,there's no cramping and it is physically easy. I think mmc are so cruel. My first mc was a mmc, I had a couple of weeks still feeling pregnant,making plans,and even making the announcement on Christmas morning to my kids, only to start bleeding later that day.Then I had a scan which indicated that my baby had died very soon after I'd seen him,with a "healthy" heartbeat on a scan at 8 weeks.

I just don't know if I want to get back on the horse again. The trouble with being this age is that you can't really take 6 months off to think about it.It seems to be all I've thought about in ages, and getting the BFP is supposed to be a celebration and also a great release - no more ttc, which is so stressful.

If there's ever another time, I certainly won't be looking at a bfp in the same way.

Tazpat, I hope you can get some answers.

I had a whole lot of tests done which were inconclusive, I think my issue is age related.At least the tests told me that I had an auto-immune condition, which hasn't made itself known yet, and I can do some things to prevent it from coming on. Had I not had the miscarriages, I wouldn't have known about it and may not have changed my diet etc.

I do wonder why we have to endure this. I mean, I know why physically, as I am older, but spiritually,I wonder why there is such an overwhelming desire to try so hard for something when the odds are against me, when my Dh doesn't want to do it, when I already have a bunch of kids, when I've already been lucky to have a baby in my forties...why can't I just accept this and move on to the next stage of my life? I probably need a pyschologist

Unfortunately I have this nagging feeling that I can't move on until I've had one last baby, but surely I can change the way I think?

Sorry, I'm hijacking the thread with my emotional woes.

Feel free to ignore me

tazpat good luck with your appointment in a fortnight.

Incaminka and Gum and Mrscupcake - you lot are amazing - so tough.

Can I join too - I've just turned 41, (I'm going to call myself a newbie but in fact I joined but dropped off under an earlier name as I was wanting to get pregnant again at 40 but I had a really hard time job wise so had to concentrate on paying the bills). I have a toddler and I think I am pregnant I have done four tests - all faint lines.

I think that my period is/was due for the end of May so I did one of those tests (actually four of them) . I'm worried that it might just be a false alarm but I have done all four tests. A faint line still matters right?

The thing is that I realise that it may be a chemical pregnancy BUT my fingers and feet are really swollen - which happened with my first pregnancy - and I keep falling asleep.

We only tried 2 times this month and can't remember the dates.
We only decided to try again mid-May although I've been wanted another baby for a year I guess I kind of freaked out about my age.

I don't want to jinx it but then again maybe this baby will stick.

The only reason I really bought the pregnancy kit was I thought I had better buy those ovulation sticks and some tampons and it was my toddler who came up to me and said = mummy you have a baby in your belly - I really do hope so! I'm in shock!

Hello ladies. 42 nearly 43 with 1 DD aged 4 and TTC for last two years. 11 weeks plus 3 with a MMC. Big sac but nothing in it. Third miscarriage in last year. I found out last week at a ten week scan that this PG failed, and just waiting for it to happen naturally. Thought I knew what MC is all about as this is my fourth, but MMC is its own special kind of torture as have had all the symptoms for weeks including really bad nausea and never suspected anything was wrong until a tiny bit of bleeding, hence the scan. Am going to the Recurrent Miscarriage clinic at St Mary's in a couple of weeks to see what might be causing all the problems. Still desperate to have a sibling for my DD so guess I want to join!!

I'm so sorry for what you're going through Gum (and you too Inca ). It is such a disappointing, heart-breaking thing that you are going through. Please don't make any decisions yet about future ttc-ing, just take your time to get over this as best you can. On paper you have more chances of things working out in the end than not, but that doesn't of course take into account your emotions and how wretched you must be feeling. Thinking of you xxx

Gum and Inca you're both going through the mill. I hope you can find some peaceful place today where you can have some time to yourselves to think things through quietly. Gum I would have been excited, too. It's so natural and it's something you've been hoping for. I am so sad for you both - you deserve good news, and, if that isn't going to come this time, then certainty would be nice. Thinking of you x

Not great news at scan, I'm either out by 2 weeks ( which I don't believe,) or it died at 5 weeks and I am mc-ing. Another scan next Sunday, but think it's a bit pointless.

I think it's only a matter of time,cos I've had a tiny bit of mucus and blood. Sad but also glad I'm having an early miscarriage rather than later on. I feel annoyed that I got my hopes up even a tiny bit. I know at this age I have to be realistic,but off course I still hoped I jagged a good egg this time.
FOr those of you who have had recurrent miscarriage,how do you keep trying?

oh gum, what an emotional rollercoaster you're on. I hope you find some peace soon, whatever happens. My DH isn't really engaged in the process either, I think he only agreed to give it ago because I told the chance of a baby were small. Big hugs.
welcome mrscupcake and incaminka, I haven't been here long, but everyone is so lovely and supportive, it's been really helpful, though reading everyone else's stories, I realise how lucky I am to have my DD. I hope your reassurance scan is just that, and the spotting means nothing.
mrscvery sorry to read of you'r having a miserable time. my first pg turned out to be anembryonic, I mc'd at 11+ weeks, but the scan showed no sign of a baby, just the sac. It kind of made sense as I'd had no symptoms, but an mc is an mc. I hope you can try again soon.

Fingers crossed for us both then!

Thanks so much mrscupcake and hello and welcome incaminka. I do hope your scan is good news. You have obviously been through an ordeal.It's time you had some luck.Ten years is such a long time to be trying.

I did go to swimming, and yes was accosted visually several times by beautiful bellies and tiny babes. When I was dressing DS in the change rooms, he saw all the babies and told me that its time for us to have one. Talk about cruel irony! I agreed, but said I didn't know if we could have one.

Since coming home, I've wondered if in fact things might actually turn out. I have had a couple of symptoms, and no cramping or bleeding. But I realise that might take some time. I'm not sure what to do next. Whether I should buy more tests, or just wait it out.

DH is calling me to play my turn at scrabble. He still has absolutely no idea.

I'll be back tomorrow.

Hi gum and incaminka, thanks for the welcome.

gum i'm really sorry to hear you think you are mc, it is such an awful time, I will keep everything crossed for you. I've spent the last 4 weeks peeing on sticks which are all really strong but there is no life inside my sac, I've had 2 scans - one at 7 weeks and one yesterday at 8+3 and just an empty sac that hasn't grown one bit since first scan. And it is so hard to make the decision to stop trying, I remember reading in a miscarriage association leaflet last year that for some people the decision to stop trying takes years and is made and unmade many times. I had almost a year of changing my mind until my BFP in April, but this time I know I want to try again as soon as possible, but at the same time I am applying for jobs (currently SAHM, but Ds is at school now), just so that my life is not completely on hold anymore, and that is something I would not even have considered last year. It is so hard and so unfair.

I used to be a 'plan' person but I have come to realise that life doesn't give a s**t about plans, and so I am gradually learning to take each day as it comes and enjoy what I have right now.

If you don't feel like taking Ds swimming then don't take him, I am sure neither of you would benefit much when you are feeling so sad, and one week isn't going to change the course of either of your lives. You need to be kind to yourself and treat yourself how you would treat someone else going through what you are - lots of tea and cakes.

It's funny isn't it though, that no matter whether we have one child or ten the longing for another is just so strong and being 'grateful' for what we have doesn't help that much.

Incaminka, hi, I'm sorry to hear about your spotting, will keep everything crossed for you that it's just normal pg spotting (apparently very common especially around the time your period would have been due), I had spotting with my pg with Ds and it turned out I have a cervix that slightly turns out whenever I am pg and then becomes irritated very easily which results in spotting. Will be thinking of you tomorrow when you have your scan and hoping everything is just fine for you.

Hugs to you both

x