TTC for 10+ months, part 5

hi kitty

I know what you mean about feeling like the world has conspired. I live in "nappy valley" and everyone here has bumps or babies or toddlers and sometimes all three. In fact we moved here partly because of that . That seems like a less good idea now.

Sorry to hear about your impending AF. Hope your letter from the clinic comes soon.

lady I'm not surprised you don't want work colleagues to know. I have a couple of friends at work who know I am ttcing but I really wouldn't want others to know. It must be so hard to have to try to act normal. Sending you hug thoughts.

I think in your position I probably would want the extra tests, if only to feel like there was something I was doing iyswim? They are expensive though so it's a tough call if you've no reason to suspect immune issues.

mrs I have told a few friends and they have been nice about it but not really had much to say, since they are all part of The Coven who get pg at the drop of pants a hat. But at least it means the insensitive questions stopped.

I still haven't managed to send a congratulatory email to SIL. She is 10 weeks and not "officially" announcing till 12 so I will use that as an excuse to wait till then and then send a card, I think. Cards don't open up conversations in the same way emails do.

Hi ladies

Lots to catch up on today, apologies in advance if I miss anything!

Firstly ladygee so so sorry you?re feeling like this, you might not feel like it but it really sounds like you?re managing very well considering. Hopefully you?ll feel a bit better once you have spoken to the doctors and have a plan in place. And yes, it was me who was complaining about booze = puffy face. I?ve had a few glasses over the weekend and immediately went puffy ? v annoying! I think wine is the worst for it too.

joycep also sorry you have been having a tough time. I totally know what you mean about feeling betrayed by friends, I?ve often felt like that and it is an awful feeling. I?m glad I can vent to you ladies, I could never tell anyone that in RL. And the anger too mrsd, I?m normally a very placid person and sometimes I feel so knotted up about all this. Booo to all those preg announcements. It will be our turn one day though.

joyce Im really glad you?ve got a GP appointment, it definitely sounds like it?s time to get things moving and you?ve waited long enough. And nelly, I?m glad to hear you also have a good plan in place. I so know what you mean about those thoughts about a future with kids, skiing, horses, I have them all, I don?t really know whether it?s better to push them to the back of my mind or to try and stay positive and allow myself to think about when we have a family.

Welcome frannie. It?s really nice to be joined by a long time lurker! But I?m sorry you?ve been stuggling. Have you tried meditation or relaxation cd?s? I know they?re not everyone?s cup of tea but I have found they can be helpful with smoothing out the lows a little bit.

whatmess I?m not surprised you were floored by the comment from your SIL, sure she didn?t mean any harm but that is an upsetting thought.

fatima great to hear you have a lovely blasto on board :) hope it is settling in nicely.

Waves to mini gin lemons euro and anyone I have missed :)

Well I am spotting and awaiting ERTD which will no doubt be arriving right on time tomorrow morning. Grrrrrrrr. I am feeling very crampy, mood swing-y and consoling myself with lots of chocolate. Me and DH were away doing some visiting this weekend. We were out and about yesterday, lovely day, and every man and his dog were out with their bumps, babies and little children. It was as if the whole world had conspired to make me feel very, very barren indeed :( I managed to spot one similar-aged child free married couple in the restaurant we had lunch in, and I was thinking to myself something along the lines of ?oh well at least those two don?t have any kids? only for the woman to unravel her pashmina to reveal an enormous bump . DH was very quiet and I think even he had noticed. He?s usually fairly stoical but I think it might have started getting him down lately.

We have sent the nosy questionnaire back to the IVF unit and now awaiting a letter for initial tests. I was lurking on a thread about our clinic on the fertility friends website, apparently there is a 12 week wait for an appointment after the tests have been done. So it could be a while yet, but that?s ok as it will give me a bit longer to get used to the idea.

ladygee wait and see what the Dr says. They might have a new plan for you for the second round. As we've said on here before, they learn something even from the cycles that don't work.

joycep because we haven't told anyone, I tell myself that they aren't being insensitive when people bleat on about how wonderful, happy they are etc. But I wonder if they would be just the same even if they knew. And I sort of feel a bit mad (which is very unreasonable of me) that some of our friends haven't guessed that we're having problems. There is the one woman I told, but I've never heard from her since

Thank you, mrsd All the way along I?d tried to balance optimism with the reality that everyone that I know has taken at least three attempts for IVF to work but I guess I?d built my hopes up more than I thought.

mini ? most of my work colleagues don?t know, and I really don?t want them to find out, so I?m trying to be as normal as possible when dealing with them. We?re waiting for a follow-up appointment with the clinic, I just hope we don?t have to wait too long.

Being back at work has been hard but a good distraction at the same time. My first catch-up phone call this morning ended in tears though when a colleague asked me how I was. I?ve then just had another bout of tears reading a lovely email from my Dad about how sorry he is things haven?t worked.

Fatima I?m sure I?ve read 10 days post the shot that it should all be out of your system. Are you going to test early?

joycep ? thank you, I think you?ve helped me work out why I?m feeling so hopeless. I saw IVF/ICSI as the answer, things don?t really come much more invasive. Now that it hasn?t worked, I?m at a loss and I don?t want to just try again without doing something differently. It?s funny you should mention the Chicago tests, I?m trying to convince DH that we should look into them as they might be the next step for us before we launch back into IVF. I guess the first hurdle is to wait for our follow-up and see what they say. I?m glad you?ve got a GP appointment booked.

The other hard thing is that we paid for this round on the basis that we?d wait for our NHS round if it didn?t work. That won?t be until November now and that feels like a long, long way away.

Whatmess I?m so sorry about what your SiL said, what an insensitive thing to say. Hope you?re soon feeling a bit brighter ? though I hear what you?re saying about wallowing at home, it?s hard to shake yourself out of a down frame of mind when you?re at home with no-one else. Hence all my tears today I think whilst trying to get back into working from home.

Mrsd I couldn?t agree more with your last couple of posts about the agony and lack of naivety we have compared to those who just immediately get pregnant.

Mrsd - I completely agree with that and it annoys me how people don't understand. Weirdly When I heard back from my friend to say how she was over the moon and so excited, I also felt like she was betraying me. Completely irrational but she knows what we are going through and My immediate reaction was "thanks for rubbing in my face". Oh dear I need to sort myself out.

that's true minipie. I know couples who have said that they spent the first couple of months think oh s**t what have we done? We won't have that but I know that I won't be able to relax at any point. And I get very jealous of people who sail through their pregnancies with no worries. If you've conceived straight away or never had a mc then you assume it will all be fine. I'd love that innocence.

"The thing that annoys me most about the announcements is knowing that that couple will not have had the agony that has accompanied ttc for me"

Oh I agree mrsden

Something that did help me with this though: a couple of friends, who got pg first month, said to me that when they first found out, they were not really sure it was the right thing and were quite scared by the whole thing. At least I know I won't feel like that if and when I am finally pg. (Scared something will go wrong, yes. But not scared that it's the wrong decision). I will just feel relieved and grateful. A very small small silver lining maybe.

Thanks ladies. I think being at home is just allowing me to wallow a bit too much. Joycep Thank you for what you wrote. I really do appreciate it.

I think that people do lie about how perfect their lives are though. So, I assume that anyone who is pregnant is living this wonderful life but it's probably not true. Our time will come. Remember, we will all get pregnant and have a baby one day. The thing that annoys me most about the announcements is knowing that that couple will not have had the agony that has accompanied ttc for me. I feel a bit angry about that and it's something I really need to try and get over because it doesn't help.

Good on you joycep for making a GP appointment. You've done everything she told you to do last time and it hasn't worked so really I think you should get referred now.

mrsd* - yes that ?s exactly it ? i always think that anyone who is expecting a baby has it all. The messages i get from friends with babies back this up. That?s also not a negative what you said ? it?s quite right, thank you> I?m off to book a GP appt now. Joy!

Whatmess ? i have no doubt in my mind that if i had had a child with relative ease and then found myself struggling for a second, i would be experiencing the same emotions as you. I would know how lucky I was but I would find it difficult to come to terms with everyone else having their 2nd around me. You want a second child to complete your family and it?s not happening, you have every right to be just as upset as any of us who are struggling for their first. If I am being honest, my sympathies often stop though when people are struggling for their 3rd, 4th and once I saw 7th on MN!
Because I am struggling for my first, I don?t think I will find myself in this position with my 2nd as I will always be grateful that I could have the one. I may be completely wrong but I just think I will be a lot calmer. Although I did read an interview with Emma Thompson who plunged in to depression when she couldn?t have a second and her first was via ivf, so who knows.

oh whatmess what an insensitive thing of your SIL to say. Big hugs for you.

joycep I hear you on the jealousy thing. To me now, being pregnant means your life is perfect. If I were you, I would be tempted to go back to the GP, tell her/him that you have waited long enough for it to happen naturally and want to be referred now. Because even if you decide to go private in the meantime you're not stopping yourself doing that by being on a waiting list. The thing is, even if you do find out what is wrong, the chances are that it is only going to be something that is solved by ivf. Sorry, I don't mean that to sound negative. It's just that you could spend all your time and money searching for a reason and then only to be told that the answer is ivf anyway.

Morning ladies,
I agree with mini, Fatima that does seem like a long wait. I don't really know much about the trigger shot, but I suspect they are erring on the side of caution and going for the longest possible timings. The only downside in testing is what it will do to your emotions if the result is neg, given that it may be too early to be conclusive. Fx for you.

I have been a bit teary this morning. It's silly really but my lovely but somewhat daft at times SIL took a conversation a bit too far. She came over to help with dd so I could get a rest and somehow ended up asking me if I thought the baby I lost was a boy or a girl, because she thought it was a boy . I brushed it off at the time and just put it down to her being silly, but I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. I am usually much more thick skinned and positive, but I think finding out I had the endometriosis as well as PCOS has made me quite worried.

I can't understand why no one else in my family has any problems at all. I have two older sisters with 6 kids between them and my mother had 4. The oldest, had her last son just a year ago at age 38. Yesterday, after SIL left I even started planning what else I could do with the spare room and looking for all the positives we'd have if we end up being just DH, dd and me. I feel like I have less right to complain as I have dd and she is my world. Why isn't that enough for me? Christ, here we go again. DH would tell me to pull myself together and not be such a watering pot and he would be right to .

I apologise for the above. I will be in a better frame of mind soon, promise.

Hi ladies ? sorry that I sounded such a depressive. Thank you so much for listening or reading

Fatima - i?ve got my fingers crossed for you. I hope you?re managing to keep yourself busy. The wait must be torturous. I was always told it took about 10 days to get the hcg out of the system....are you going to test?!

frannie - i?m sorry you have been feeling miserable as well. There are just moments where it becomes a bit too much doesn?t it? I guess you?re approaching that awful 2 year mark as well ? for me it just seems such a dreaded milestone and we are just no closer to finding out what is going on. I am glad you manage to keep busy. I find it terribly hard to keep busy in London. It sounds strange when I live in the big city but I?m a country bumpkin through and through and I feel incredibly trapped here. Actually playing tennis and doing zumba has helped alleviate the boredom a little bit. Men are so different in how they deal with this ? it sounds like all our DHs are the same. I haven?t been given any options of what the next step is. I?m not actually in the system anywhere. My GP has fobbed me off and my private gynae turned out to be of no help and gave me no alternative route to take so it?s kind of back to the drawing board.

mimi - - i?m sorry about your SIL preg announcement . My friend is two years younger as well and they got married in March last year and started trying in December so it took them all of 5 mins to conceive. My DH told me to write them an email to be friendly which i did through gritted teeth. I just said to DH ?i?m sorry if I sound like a bitter old cow but I?m not thrilled, excited or happy for them?. I?m such a bitch because they are the most lovely people but I start compiling the things in my mind that makes it even more unfair. Number one she drinks like a fish and was hammered at the beginning of Jan when she must have been pregnant. They?re also loaded. They live in a gorgeous house. She will never have to work again once they have kids. And my list goes on. And can you believe I wasn?t the jealous type before ttc?!

nelly - i think that?s a good decision to go private if you can. It will jsut get the ball moving a bit quicker. 2months for an appointment which will probably not tell you much anyway is not great. We have exactly the same idea about ?our kids? ? to get them outdoors, on skis from an early age, playing tennis, lots of sport etc. I try not to think about the fact we will probably have no money left after fertility treatment and may have the likes of wonga loan sharks knocking on our door but to dream is lovely .

Gin - that?s great you have an appointment at Create. I must say I do like the sound of mild ivf and am considering whether to pursue this idea. I do feel though I need further investigations first to see if there is another reason as to why we aren?t conceiving. Do yuo just go straight to ivf or is there a diagnostic process before hand?

lady - I just feel for you so much. I know i haven?t been through ivf yet or had a failed ivf but i can imagine what it must feel like. It must be so utterly depressing and a feeling of utter hopelessness especially going back to work. It probably doesn?t help but you will begin to return to normal and you will get renewed hope when you have a follow up appointment and will be given a plan of action. I do feel so positive for everyone else on here (just can?t for myself) and i have no doubt that you will be successful. Was your first cycle on the nHS? I can?t remember.

mrsd - my dh is exactly like that...he doesn?t seem to worry about things he can?t change. I guess it is best that one half of a couple can keep sane but it still makes me cross! It is strange how we can get jealous of people we don?t even see nowadays. I have it all the time....I would prefer just not to know!

I have been trying to come up with what i should do next. I am just getting anxious that our diagnostic tests have just skimmed the surface so far and I worry that going straight to ivf may miss something important. I don?t know whether they ever find out what is wrong when you start ivf. I wonder what the chances of me getting a lapascopy on the NHS are . I don?t have any particular symptoms of endo or fibroids but I presume that doesn?t mean I don?t have them. Hypochrondria strikes again. MrsD you are right i should go and see my GP. Also, there is a guy called Dr Gorgy in London who does something called the Chicago Tests and I wonder whether I should go there to get these done. They are immune tests ? more than just the NK cells and they also check whether you and your husband share something called dq alpha genes. Can you tell i have spent the weekend incessantly googling? Just almightily confused and panicked about what to do.

No idea about the trigger shot Fatima but I'd have thought so. I'm surprised they say to test at 17 days post transfer, that does sound a long wait... no harm in testing before, I'd have thought, as long as you know that it isn't the "real" result iyswim? Still keeping fingers crossed it works for you.

mrsden I didn't know that about PCOS and being slim and overstim risk. (accidentally typed slim as "slime" at first !).

My DH is also very logical about the whole thing and thinks I should "just relax" . He makes me feel like a crazy person which I probably am for getting so wound up about it all.

ladyg I am so sorry. Who is expecting you to be "back to normal" - is it work? Hope work provides a distraction at least. Have you spoken to the clinic at all to get any more information?

Gin the open day sounds really interesting. Do you know if other clinics do them? I am not sure how DH would react if I suggested IVF clinics, I think he still sees IVF as very much a "last resort" after years of trying.

Nelly can you tell me about the "private fertility MOT" - what tests do they do and what does it cost? I too am getting impatient with the NHS timescales (though to be fair I have got a gynae appt next week so should really be patient - your NHS wait sounds a lot longer).

joyce and frannie sorry you have been down. These things really do swing from day to day don't they. I have been miserable this weekend (even before SIL's pg announcement ) but feel better this morning.

euro hope you are ok with your ivf decision making.

whatmess glad I'm not the only messy one on here!

Does anybody know when the hcg trigger shot should be out of my system. I've done a bit of googling and found a 10000iu shot should be out around 10 days post trigger. I did a 5000iu 12 days ago so that should be out of my system by now shouldn't it?

Morning,

ladygee you're allowed to feel devastated and upset. I can imagine being at work is hard. It sounds like you did the right thing having a few days away. The Lakes are always lovely. I keep trying to persuade DH that we should have a UK holiday, seems much more appealing now that we're not living there.

I've read somewhere that ivf should be thought of as a 4 cycle treatment, not even just 3. Indeed, the only person I know who has had ivf, conceived on cycle 4 and now has a beautiful baby boy. I imagine that there were times when the 3 previous cycles failed that she thought she'd never get there.

Hi frannie my Dh sounds a bit like yours. He was amazed when I told him once that I think about ttc all the time. He said that he doesn't think about it because he knows we need ivf so there is no point thinking about that until we start treatment . He is very much of the view that if he can't do anything to influence it then he can put it out of his head. Men are so different.

So sorry that you feel down joycep. I know how you feel. I go through phases like this where it all seems so hopeless. At the moment I'm ok because I feel like ivf is getting closer and it's giving me something to plan. Can you go back to your GP now and ask to be referred for ivf? Even if you intend on going private, can you be on the waiting list for nhs?

gin that's interesting about the mild ivf. The gynae mentioned to me that because I have pcos I'm at greater risk of over stimulation which does worry me. Also, something about being slim increases the risk.

Sorry to all those who've had pregnancy announcements recently. They really hit you don't they? Even if you're expecting it. I heard that someone I went to primary school with had a baby last week. I haven't even heard from them in 10 plus years and yet when I heard this news I still felt crushed. Jealousy is so strange.

I'm getting the house ready for the arrival of the friends with baby. I'm dreading it if I'm being honest, I may well come on here to have a whinge if I can escape from them for 5 minutes.

Sorry about the pregnancy announcements lemon, mini, gin and joycep, there seems to be a real flood of them at the moment. I'm expecting a couple from friends who are trying, I just hope I get a bit of breathing space before they arrive.

Fatima ? that?s wonderful news, well done. I?ve got everything crossed for you.

Nelly ? sounds like you?ve had a lovely weekend and come to a good decision about next steps for you. Your roast beef dinner sounds yummy.

Gin ? it sounds like you are getting closer to having a plan in place too. The question about number vs quality of eggs is top of my list for our follow-up appointment ? I seemed to get very few compared to most people and I was on a very low dose of stims so I?m keen to know if the eggs were of good quality or not.

I?m sorry that you?re feeling down too, joycep and frannie. Those conversations with other halves are always difficult, they deal with things so differently. My DH is a very practical person so as long as we have some kind of plan in place he seems to be able to handle things far better than I can. As nelly says though, I do think it?s a good thing that they tend not to wallow quite as much as us.

After keeping myself busy last week, this weekend has been a crashing realisation that what I actually did was avoid how I was feeling by being occupied. It all came out yesterday with endless tears, I just can?t figure out what we?re supposed to do next. I feel so low and I?m not sure how to get myself out of it. I think it?s worse because I?m back at work today so the expectation is that everything is ?back to normal?. That couldn?t be further from the truth. I?m hoping I?ll feel better as the day goes on as I get back into everything.

joy sorry to hear you are feeling down. Sounds like you are trying to come to terms with stuff and sort out a plan, which isn't easy. It was me who went to the Create open day and we have our initial consultation with them on Friday. The open day was really good and informative and you get 5 mins with the consultant. The chances are lower for natural cycle, but it is much less invasive. For most people, they do 'modified' natural cycle, where they give you some drugs. We want to do 'mild' ivf - ivf without down regging and fewer drugs to stimulate. This has only a slightly lower success rate than normal ivf and as I've never had any kind of treatment before, I think it'd be a good starting point. Its also meant to help avoid over stimulation.. They focus in getting fewer, better quality eggs. Well, that's the theory. Most other clinics are very dismissive of it...so who knows! And I'm still shit scared of it all!

fatima that's wonderful news re the blasto. Are you off work this week? Hope DH is looking after you.

nelly your dinner sounds lovely (even to a veggie)!

mini we too had a pregnancy announcement this weekend. A bit sad at first but now surprisingly ok about it.

ladyg you sound like you're doing really well. They do say that the first round is a learning curve so they can see how you respond to things. I've always wondered if the 3 round thing is because that's how many cycles people get pregnant in naturally if everything's perfect ?! Hope you are continuing to do ok and keeping up the wine and cake intake!

frannie at dh's comment! They have no idea do they? Mine certainly doesn't know how much I think about it. As nelly says, distractions are good. I just read a book about someone having ivf and it really was too much! Now I'm gonna find some distracting chic lit...

Hope everyone else had good weekends

I have to admit that when I read my post back it sounded less 'incredulous',as intended, and more 'psychowife'! DH is really supportive and lovely and I know he finds it hard in his own way. We too try to keep v busy (even if i do still google on the go!). If I'm having a bad patch I generally do try to find one thing to try to change, even if it's really small and is unlikely to have a massive impact. I think I read on here a while ago that someone said ttc is like a balance and everyone's balance tips at a different point. I do find it can help with trying to stay positive and totally justifies the amount I spend in Holland and Barrett!

Evening all

Well we seem to be surrounded by pg announcements at the moment. First Lemon's friend then joyce's friend and now guess what, my SIL is pg, due in October. She's two years younger and they just got married last June, so I doubt they've been trying very long. I am so jealous and I hate the fact that I can't just be happy for them.

Fatima fingers crossed your blasto sticks!

to everyone else - off to eat comfort food and watch comfort TV.

Joycep, I'm really sorry you are feeling like this. I do totally understand where you're coming from as the last 2 weeks have been the lowest point of the whole journey. I found myself doubled over with the emotional pain I was feeling last weekend and I couldn't find any way of bringing myself out of it. Not helped by dh saying 'is it getting to the point now where you think about it everyday?'. Wanted to scream 'nooooo that was cycle 2! Every day? Try every nanosecond!!! And does that mean you dont even think about it everyday???!!!'

So sorry to not know/ remember this but have you been given any indication of what the next options might be?

Morning all!
Sorry I haven't posted since wednesday, trying to keep myself busy on the dreaded 2ww.
I had one perfect blasto transferred on Weds, been given a test date of 19th March which will be 17dpec. I'm not sure I'll be able to wait that long.

It's my birthday this coming Weds so DH took me to the zoo yesterday for a day out to keep me busy trying to get him to take me birthday shopping this week as well.

I'm still posting on my phone so it's hard to catch up with people's posts, going to sit down with a pen and paper later today so I can do a proper reply