Is anyone "trying to relax"

It's making me very cross that I have spelt advice wrong in the first sentence! Sorry

Hello, I used to hate this advise too! This time last year, almost exactly to the date in fact, I was in a terrible state over TTC. Looking back, I feel that I was obsessed and it had really gotten out of hand although I couldn?t see this at the time. All of my friends around me seemed to be getting pregnant and I felt left behind and like I had to have a baby immediately.

Despite being off the pill for a year my cycles had become more and more erratic the more I stressed about them. I didn?t feel like I was stressed so thought it was a load of old rubbish when people said not to stress about it.

We were living abroad at the time and I had an excellent health insurance policy which covered fertility investigations so I decided to take myself off to a gynecologist. She did all manner of scans and blood tests on me and my husband and said we were both absolutely fine. Of course I didn?t believe her, if we were fine then where was our baby?! I requested that she did a HyCosy which she did and of course all came back fine. She then said that she could gibe me a course of Clomid to make my ovulation more regular. I was over the moon and thought that I was definitely going to get pregnant. It didn?t work and to make matters worse, when I went for my follow up scan before getting the second course of Clomid she saw a huge cyst on one of my ovaries and prescribed a month of taking the pill to shrink it. To say I was devastated is an understatement.

Anyway, my husband and I decided over Christmas to change our jobs and move back to England (un related to TTC). We put TTC on hold as we were moving back to England in June and beginning our new jobs in August so I couldn?t real begin my new job already pregnant. I felt like a weight had been lifted from me and threw myself into getting fit. We decided to train for a half marathon and I lost a stone and a half and felt great and of course my cycles went back to normal immediately when I stopped stressing! My friends who had been pregnant in the midst of my depression had their babies and that was absolutely fine, I was happy for them which is something I could not have imagined being nine months earlier when they had told me they were pregnant.

We moved back to England in June and were busy setting up and new house and preparing for our new jobs. We decided that we would start to TTC again after Christmas but would take a very casual approach to it to avoid my madness that had happened before. We started work in August and we were both so caught up in our new lives that one night in September we realised we had no condoms left. We just thought oh well and carried on. That was it, we were TTC again in a very unplanned fashion. Because we were both so focused on our new jobs and our new lives back in London TTC was not my focus. Of course I still wanted a baby more than anything but it wasn?t my sole focus anymore and I had a much healthier attitude towards it. We had sex every other day or every couple of days and I didn?t stress out about ovulation, charting, pre seed and everything else that I had previously done. We planned holidays and really enjoyed making the most of what we had and enjoyed being a couple.

We had just got back from a city break to Belgium in October where I had enjoyed so much alcohol and loads of bad TTC foods like mussels, pate, cured meats etc when I realised I hadn?t had any of my usual pre period symptoms so did a CBD test that I had in the bathroom from my obsessive days. I was so blase about it that I did it at 8pm after just getting back from the gym. I never expected it to be positive so just casually wee?d on the stick and left it on the side while I got in the shower. Imagine my shock when I got out the shower and saw the words ?pregnant 2-3 weeks? I nearly had a heart attack!

So I know this IS another one of those relax and it will happen stories that you all hate and I used to hate too but I just wanted to share it with you as I truly do believe that switching my focus and taking my mind off TTC is what helped me to conceive. I know I was lucky as I had big things like moving country and starting a new job to focus on but even when I was training for the half marathon that was a complete distraction for me. You really, really do have to let go of TTC , take a step back and focus on something else though and not do what I used to do and think ?oh if I do this that means I will get pregnant because I?m not thinking about getting pregnant? as that defeats the point! I also found that taking a break from Mumsnet was fantastic in helping me beat the obsession.

Sorry I have gone on a bit, I just found it really cathartic to write it all down and once I started I couldn?t stop!

Lubricant wise your best choices are conceive plus or preseed. Preseed you apply internally prior to swi, conceive plus is like a normal lube but sperm friendly but about 17 degrees colder brrrrr

We've been ttc for a year and have recently decided to try the Foresight programme (www.foresight-preconception.org.uk ). If you've not heard of it, it's basically food supplements and making adjustments to your lifestyle etc. We're two months in and it's quite a commitment, and it might or might not work, but we feel at least we're doing something rather than just 'trying to relax' (which I agree is SO not helpful!). We've also noticed improvements in our health already despite a very stressful time recently. Foresight claims to have an 89% success rate out of 1500 couples who completed the programme (who between them have had over 6000 fertility treatments), with only a 3.8% miscarriage rate.

The other thing I've been researching is lubricant, because I've been worrying that it was preventing the sperm getting through, and I've seen another thread on here about it.

Try to relax is something people say when they can't think of any other advice to offer. I'm sure there are lots of people who get pregnant the month they stop stressing but also there are lots of people who get pregnant when they are stressing. I don't see that it makes any difference. It's an easy thing for people to say when they themselves got pregnant after just a couple of months. I was relaxed for the first 4 months and if I'd got pregnant then I'm sure I would think that the secret is to be relaxed. But it's impossible to be relaxed after 18 months :(

True. On both counts.
And, it is REALLY annoying to be told to relax, by anyone.

No, the NHS doesn't always give out the best advice, I know that first hand. But it is always looking for ways to save money.

I'm glad you think it worked for you and that you did get pg. But if it were all about relaxation there would be dips in conception rates in times of war and other stressful situations and that just isn't the case.

My GP did send me to acupuncture Eurochick. Lucky he didn't send me for massages, I hate strangers touching me, it would have stressed me out even more.
However, of course the NHS always give the best advice and treatment on an individuals' needs, especially when you're limited to a 10 minute appointment and a maximum of 3 ailments per visit at the GP. Or, when you see a different trainee gyno every visit that haven't had the time or inclination to read the relevant information in your file.
I am not saying that relaxation is a magic cure, or that anyone can actually do it, but just that it seemed to work for me when ttc dc1.

If relaxation were the answer, don't you think the NHS would be investing a couple of hundred quid on a course of massages for us all rather than thousands on blood tests, HSGs, IVF, etc?

Some women get pg the month they relax, just like some women go into labour after eating pineapple/having a curry/adopting some other old wives' tale. It would have happened anyway. If there were really anything to the relaxation thing, I am pretty damn sure the NHS wouldn't be spending its limited funds on all the fertility treatments they offer.

I suffer from PCOS, and tried for over a year before finding out. We then spent a year in and out of consultants, gynaecology units and GPs. It became so stressful that in the end, we decided to save up and have private IVF.
So, we made a plan, and decided to have one last holiday before we scrimped and scraped.
As it turns out, we conceived on holiday. Maybe partly because we were less stressed with no work and no NHS sending us in circles, and we probably had more sex due to less stress!!
So, in my case, not thinking about it and relaxing did work, but to be honest, up until that holiday, it had been the hardest thing to do!! So, I completely understand how frustrating it can be to be told to do it. I don't think it's something you do on demand.
I would however suggest, to try not to lose romance from your relationship, make sure there are other conversations than conception. I found it to be a very unsexy and depressing topic, which contributed greatly to a slight lack in bedroom activity on occasion!!!
Good luck.

God-I hated this kind of advice when we were trying; it always came from people who conceived ten minutes after they started ttc as well.

My DH was convinced that this was the case and because he insisted that I relax and forget about it, then I pretended to forget about it and fell pregnant that month-he now thinks he was right. I think it's blloks though ;)

Yes anyone who says 'relax' definitely needs a slap (including my mother!)...It's a bit like that one when you're single and your friends tell you ' oh you'll meet someone when you stop looking'. Pah, I never would have met DH if i hadn't have been looking!! Anyway, My GP keeps telling me it's not happening (19months in) because I'm not relaxed. She said that she can't count the amount of times she has referred people to the fertility clinic and then magically they get pregnant - it just happens so often apparently.

Like raspberry - I am trying to learn how i can be more relaxed, I'm about to start meditation and do more exercise as i have spent months seeing a private gynae who can't find anything particularly wrong. For me I got pregnant the 2nd month of trying and I was very excited by ttc, swi was good and i was relaxed (although when AF came that first month, I cried!). After m/c, this all changed, swi became a chore, i now worry a lot, i fear i will never have a baby and i do wonder whether this 'not relaxing' has had an effect. But like people have said above, loads of women get stressed and think about it all the time and they seem to get pregnant.

Hope you get that bfp soon JN - limboland is not a good place to be.

Anyone who says relax and it will happen should get a deserved smack in the mouth.

I find it impossible to take the 'relax and it will happen' approach because it's always there, the thought that I'm never go to have my baby, just not going to happen so I've been advised to get into the habit of light meditation/relaxation techniques/yoga to help. Haven't started that yet but I am going to this week. It is hard though, the longer you try the more stressful it gets and actually, doing all the 'anal' things like reading the books/temping/charting/opks etc I find actually help me because I feel like I'm taking control. Anyone who says relax and it will happen should get a deserved smack in the mouth.

We actually had a week away abroad just after a year ttc which was amazing. We went all inclusive so we didn't worry about money. We just read, drank and lazed about. I abandoned the charting that cycle. And we finally had some sff too! Ok I didn't get pregnant but it was great.

I don't know how you are supposed to 'relax'. Surely, if you've been TTC for so long, you can't help but think about when would be the right time to shag, you can't just remove those thoughts from your mind. Although, I can see the appeal of techniques to help you relax your mind & body!

If we were to stop 'trying' I can pretty much guarantee that it would never happen. After 14 years together, the SFF isnt as frequent as it used to be

Over the last 4.5 years TTC we have taken the odd month off to give ourselves a break, and TBH, unless there was some special event to ocupy my mind, they just made me feel worse. Epecially, if I can feel ov and knowing that there would be no sperm there to meet it!

I hated people telling me this. However, the cycle I got pregnant (in the midst of tests and with a luteal phase defect), I had been on a hen weekend away in a beautifully hot country, had a lovely time, thrown my "no booze and strict diet as prescribed by acupuncturist" rule to the wind, and stayed up all night for two nights dancing and drinking. I then got home, ovulated and conceived. However, I was also having acupuncture and lots of other stuff so it may have been entirely unconnected... But I had been very stressed and that weekend really did relax me...

I don't think a holiday away with DH would have had the same relaxing effect, as I would still have been worrying about charting and sex to order, whereas because he wasn't there, I didn't need to think about it and could really let my hair down.

But being told to relax is intensely annoying and has the exact opposite effect, I think.

Good luck!

I think it is really hard to 'relax' about af each month if ttc. However as havealittlefaith says there are ways to relax. Personally think it did help us we were referred and told needed ICSI I then stopped thinking about it as I knew I would get af each month. When I went for appt I was preg had not even realised af was late!!. However ttc no 2 for 2+yrs cannot relax the same as even though I know he is a miracle it happened naturally. hey ho good luck

I know a girl whos IVF just failed and she's planning a wedding now, she's got lovely dress so I am hoping when I see her tm she'll be pg. I only see her every 6 weeks through work.

I have been 'trying to relax' im not very good at it and like you ttc seems to be taking over my every thought.
I think that stressing does have some sort of effect though, my best friend was ttc for nearly 5 years and had IVF in the end, thank goodness it worked and she had a lovely little boy but you guessed it when he was 5 months old, she fell pregnant again naturally, she wasnt even trying-she couldnt believe it and swears the problem the first time was her stressing so much as there was nothing medically wrong with her or her husband.
This however does not help me to relax either and every month im faced with that same feeling, lets just hope its our turn soon!!!