Waiting to try to conceive

red travelling is a great idea to stay off the baby crack and in a couple of years when its all nappies and night feeds you've got fun stuff to look back on-India is awesome although I hated Delhi, seemed like everyone was trying to scam you but everywhere else was brilliant.

away Im also scared by 35 and hope to have popped a couple out by then as long as everything works! There seems to be so many articles about infertility that I get a bit freaked out , also some friend of ours are going down the ivf route which is heartbreaking for them as there first cycle failed.

nene you're right though my mum was 38 when she had me and I turned out alright!

red travelling is a great idea to stay off the baby crack and in a couple of years when its all nappies and night feeds you've got fun stuff to look back on-India is awesome although I hated Delhi, seemed like everyone was trying to scam you but everywhere else was brilliant.

away Im also scared by 35 and hope to have popped a couple out by then as long as everything works! There seems to be so many articles about infertility that I get a bit freaked out , also some friend of ours are going down the ivf route which is heartbreaking for them as there first cycle failed.

nene you're right though my mum was 38 when she had me and I turned out alright!

A 3 week trip to India at the beginning of the year, a 3 week trip to Japan mid-year and a week in New York in autumn. We decided to book them in small chunks over 12 months so we had something to look forward to throughout the year.

We have exhausted our holiday fund - it took us years to save up but it was worth every penny.

If anything, traveling helped me stay off the babycrack....
oh and 35 is just when things start to get interesting :) I hear women poppin them out at 40 with ease!

hello thinkingpositive

Also Away my Mum had me when she was 35 - no problems whatsoever and she's the best Mum in the world. 35 isn't always scary!

I'm married! Have been for a year and a half! Had no real urge to have kids until then - and once I started getting the urge I didn't really want to bring it up as it had taken me so long to convince him to marry me [Sceptical]
But our parents had us quite late and seeing them getting older has made him realise that sometimes life's too short to hang around waiting til you're rich enough. My Dad also passed away when he was 33 - my brother and sister had slight wobbles when they reached that age, and I think this is what's happening to me - although I've got a couple of years yet

positivethoughts welcome to the thread!

It's funny isn't it how many peoples thoughts turn to babies as soon as the wedding is out of the way! I think it's hard wired into us.

It's a pain to have to to save up but it will all be worth it in the end, hopefully. If DH and I had gone ahead the first time I got the urge, we would've been in a lot of debt, with no money, and that would've meant that I would have had to go straight back to a job I hated and wouldn't have been able to spend any time with my baby.

In fairness to DH, out of the two of us it was him who had the timing right. In financial and practical terms, anyway. It remains to be seen whether we're still fertile... At least we'll have a big empty house.

nenehoo that's a heartening story! Are you married now or engaged? You've probably mentioned already up thread sorry if you have [lazy emoticon].
I am really hopeful that DH will come round in the end. He's a few years younger than me (31) and they do say women mature faster. Once his friends start having children hopefully it will change his perspective. There's no way you can leave when you love them, is there.

difficulttimes the last few days of waiting are the worst aren't they!

babyonbord cheeky - 30 isn't old! I very much doubt it would be too late. It's 35 that scares me. Ideally I'd have liked to have had two DC.

Evilwater sorry to hear he still doesn't feel ready. I know what he means about the state of the world, it all seems very precarious at the moment. I think I may have left having DC to an age where I'm over cautious and worry too much. The cold war and the threat of nuclear anihilation didn't put my parents off having me, and that turned out ok so far.

As for passing on his OCD - is that hereditary? Does he have quite a severe case?

Thanks to everyone for all the big hugs. Christmas is by far the worst time IMO to be longing for a child but not able to have one. All the lovely family stuff makes you really yearn. As someone said up thread the thing to focus on is the "this time next year" when hopefully we'll all have bumps in our tummies or babies in our arms.

redstrawberry where did you go travelling to? Was it a long break?

Since so many of you ladies are off ttc in the new year I figured I'd better stop lurking and start chatting!

I'm 28, recently married and ever since I've been really really broody! So many of my friends, work colleagues are popping out sprogs.

DH and I had a few talks and he also really wants kids but we looked at finances and realised that we wouldn't be able to afford it for at least 12 months! I was completely gutted but I don't want to be on maternity leave worrying about money so I have resigned myself to it. :(

In the meantime I need help coping with baby crack urges!

i feel really bad for anyone in your position it must be awful i'm only 26 and already stressing about waiting too long for baby no 3 we have decided to wait till ds2 is a year from starting school so about 3 or 4 years, i'm not ready yet to have another baby i had such a difficult and painful labour with ds2 i'm not ready to do it again just yet but i definatly want another baby but don't want to leave it too long in case it's too late in 4 years ill be 30 yikes

Im so sorry EW , I hope he comes round.

I'm sooo tired of waiting just wanna start now,

Just a quick update for you ladies.
I've just had my sister in floods of tears, her awful lady lady is blaming her for the awful damp in her flat.

I talked to my DP he is just not ready for a baby, and he is very affraid of passing on his OCD.

EW

Wow Away didn't realise your situation... big hugs to you. It's so hard isn't it? baby I can see what you mean but it's more complicated than that. I'd been with my OH for 4 years and absolutely knew I wanted to marry him when he dropped the bombshell that he didn't want to get married. In my head I thought "well I'll leave and find someone that does" as that had been my philosophy with men - but there was no way I could have left him as I couldn't imagine my life without him.
Sometimes you have to be willing to compromise - no matter how heartbreaking - and hope against hope you get what you want. I explained to him how I felt and gave him time and space to think and it worked out for me. I'm also a big believer in visualising what you want and sending out good thoughts - especially when you're not feeling good yourself. What goes around comes around - I hope x

both of my children were "accidents" contraception failed both times apparently i only have to look at my dh to become pregnant (the implant had better work) so i've never really had the lets try for a baby convo but i would never be willing to settle for a man who wouldn't give me the world if he could

awayinamanger big hug... will keep my fingers crossed for you that he comes around. My DH and I were in a similar situation, we got married quite young. Now married for 7 years and we never talked about the B word (babies!) until 2 years back when I came off the pill.

2 years back I was ready to start a family but DH was not really ready. I gave him time to come around, even went traveling this year as it was something we both wanted to do. I think in the end I was running out of patience and we had a 'serious' chat about starting a family. It also helped that his cousin had a baby and seeing her made him realize what he wanted. he's fully on-board with the idea now.

Maybe it might be a scary thought for him and just needs reassurance...

babyonboard I guess that works both ways, and received MN wisdom is that you're stuck with whatever agreement was reached before the wedding day. Even if I was prepared to leave him, which I'm not, it would be a massive gamble. I know far too many professional women in their thirties who are single and lonely.

redrhumba and stuckinthefens thanks for your advice. I'm just keeping my head down now till after the trip in May. By then I'll have been in my job long enough to get enhanced maternity pay, our investment bond will have matured so we can use it as the deposit on a house, and with a bit of luck DH will come round. I'll be 34 and a half by then, so he bloody better.

I agree about talking to other fathers, DH has had a few conversations with friend which have helped. I'm sure we'll get there in the end.

wow - some pretty strong advice there...

Here are a couple of things that seem to have worked with my boyfriend - which may or may not be useful to try/adapt to your circumstances.

First, we had some frank discussions that there never is a perfect time - there will always be something to do, uncertainty regarding money/jobs, bad timing, so we really had to get to the 'true' reasons why he wanted to wait. Turned out it was the uncertainty of how everything will work out but the discussion made us realise that even in 2 or 5 years time there will still be uncertainty - it just might be a different sort and then we'd wait another x years for that to resolve itself but then there would be a different uncertainty again and so on...

Second, other male friends with young kids or pregnant wives/girlfriends - he asked a bit more than he would have done before and was surprised at how positive the experiences were. I think the fact they came from other men was way more powerful than anything I could have said.

good luck...

awayinamanger how old are you and your dh? is it something that he may change his mind about at some point when you have done the travelling he talks about. its difficult finding the right time cos there's always something that you could put ttc off for. we have a wedding abroad later next year and if we can't make it then thats that!

i never thought dh would change his mind about a dc2 cos he'd always said he only wanted 1 but i know he still quivers every so often (which is why i'm still checking you guys out!!)

either that or cut him off until he crumbles, it shouldn't take long

I hate to be part of the leave him brigade as well but how much does he really love you if he's not willing to do everything in his power to make you happy, i know relationships are about compromise and sacrifice but no man should ever make a woman sacrifice having children for them. I know you agreed on no children before marriage but if he had a half a brain he would have realised that would change and you would want children it's a ntaural instinct. If i was in your shoes i'd sit him down tell him you are desperate for a baby and that if he doesn't want to provide you with one then you will happily find a better man who will. xx

The issue is he doesn't just say no (I admit I don't make it easy for him to just say no) he says "maybe" and "after the trip" and "later". Probably easier to say maybe than no.

I've been set to go on two occasions, we even got as far as DTD once. Three times we've been careless and I've taken the MAP at his request/insistence. Other times he's said he almost wishes we could have an accident, so we don't have to make The Decision.

Recently it's been all about the fact that we haven't travelled, but when I've tried to book anything first it was the wrong time of year to go, and then he couldn't get time off work. In the end I just booked it on my credit card.

If nothing changes come May, I don't know what the next step is. Counselling for me maybe. Or fostering?

Oh right ok

I don't want to leave him. Before we got married we agreed on no children. The babycrack only set in as we planned the wedding.

Leave him?

Sorry I dont want to be part of the leave him brigade, but you clearly want different things.

Did you sit down ad talk about children before you got married??

redstrawberry the fact is DH doesn't want children. But I'm always planning towards one date or another for TTC, deluding myself that he'll give in. He refused to go to Relate after I booked it. His latest issue has been about us not having done any travelling, hence the USA trip next May. It is very unlikely that he will agree to TTC even after we bankrupt ourselves satisfying his wanderlust, but what can I do?