Facebook

I was ttc for three years with my DS and am again now pretty unsuccessfully. And I've had mc too. But actually I don't mind baby stuff on FB. Maybe I am not friends with anyone super-smug (hope not anyway), but generally I am thrilled to see when my friends have got pregnant/have babies. First because I am happy for them and second because it gives me hope - lots of them have also struggled too!

Personally I didn't post anything on FB while pregnant but this was not to be sensitive. This is because I was terrified of losing the baby. Now I do post pictures of my DS on FB as my friends/family ask me to as some of us are miles apart or in different countries.

I guess I feel very, very sad inside myself that ttc is not an easy option for me. But I don't resent others at all for it. Which is funny as I'd describe myself as totally mental about ttc in every other way. But I guess I feel that no-one else can have "my" baby so I don't need to take it personally when they have their babies.

Still, I reserve the right to change my mind and become incredibly bitter if I have another three years of being poked and prodded by doctors with no success ahead of me.

I think it's quite nice when people make an anouncement on FB. Although I'm TTC, (with no luck as yet), it makes me feel hopeful that it will happen for me and I think it's nice to celebrate other people's news. I do agree though that it's annoying when they go on and on about what their children are doing but again I suppose it's what is happening in their lives at the time. I dont think most of these people mean to be insensitive, I think they're just excited to share their news, as we all will be.

I am having 'difficulties' ttc too, and I have many friends who are currently pregnant... so I have no idea why I said such insensitive things. Truly am sorry about that.

I couldn't agree more about how annoying and upsetting seeing people's pg annoucements and updates can be when you are ttc. After my mc I had many many set backs because of such posts. But I think there is a difference between people who are just sharing their news and others other annoying attention seeking pillocks people who do daily updates, moan about their pregnancy and go on about how wonderful their life is Since my mc, I'm now pg, and have posted pics on fb, but I don't go on about it. But I have a lot of friends who live across the country who I don't see often so it's my way of sharing. I don't think that makes me an idiot! Or uncaring. I go out of my way to limit my pg talk on fb.

I never did a good job of hiding friends who were pg, in fact I often touremented myself and went looking at them, but that's not their fault.

This is a great thread as i have been feeling this for months. What I HATE about all the smug pregnancy/baby posts is that life is not that perfect - i do not believe that these people's lives are so incredibly wonderful and glorious that they fly through the day on the joy and peace their new bundle has bought them. I may still be trying to conceive baby#1 but even I know that nipple pain, sleep deprivation, cabin fever etc are an ever present struggle for all mums. So why pretend you have the easiest, most perfect life in the world? Is it just to make us jealous?

Facebook profiles are people's effort to show people tan idealised version of their live - it's a front and it's horrible to witness especially when it hurts us ladies who are longing for our families.

i know someone who actually posted a picture of their positive pregnancy test,....the idiot!!!!

I read somewhere that looking at Facebook is the equivalent of staring at yourself in the mirror. I.e. it's narcissitic. People use it to promote themselves. I admit when I got engaged I couldn't wait to change my status. I was so excited and I don't remember considering how it may have made some of my single friends feel. However, I didn't mention it again or go on about it. The tables have turned now and after my m/c and lack of pregnancy since, I couldn't handle not the announcements, the constant updates (classic signs of narcissitic behaviour), the scan as the main piccy (weird!) and the talking in code (just announce you're pregnant for god sake and stop fishing!). But there were friends who I knew were pregnant but didn't mention it anywhere and I had a lot of respect for that.

Anyway, all those updates just felt like having hundreds of people in one room constantly attention seeking and talking about themselves. Plus FB somehow manages to make you feel like you're the only one who can't seem to get pregnant. And yes I might be bitter and miserable about things but coming off was the best thing I did!

Sorry only you have caught me on a bad day.

This is the conception section where a lot of us are having problems conceiving or experiencing losses.

So comments like feelings of inadequacy and we are bitter and weird strike a raw nerve. Would expect that in I am being Unreasonable but not here

We sort of know its ilogical but sometimes its nice to know others feel the same way. TTC is an emotional and ilogical process sometimes.

Only... yeah I know how weird it is, I accept its irrational, but where else than on the internet are you allowed to be irrational safe in the knowledge that other people feel exactly the same! If you don't agree with the posts here, then don't read them, simple!

Farfall- you clearly don't like hearing anything that you don't agree with - ooooops so sorry I offended you! I will happily piss off.

The ones who post the scans are the worst, I think. Especially when it's an accident, and they keep going on about it! The others that are annoying are the ones that do the weekly "This is how big my baby is!" post/status/thing... all blocked, I hasten to add. Plus the constant bump pictures...

I won't be 'announcing; it on Facebook, though because all my friends are all over the country - and in fact world! - I imagine it'll be mentioned at some point (especially because my sister in law loves Facebook, and will probably blurt it out, although we'll ask her not to). Knowing how difficult it has been for me, though, I know I'll be much more careful and considerate than others I know.

Of course, there's always the opposite situation. One of my friends who I used to be quite close to struggled with fertility issues, and is now expecting her first sometime this month. She's kept it off of Facebook so well that I doubt friends who aren't in her very close circle will be able to find out - I'd desperately love to send her a card, but will have to hear through the grapevine. At the same time, I completely respect her choice, and realise she's done it not to rub it in the faces of those of us who are struggling.

:o @ Farfalla

Hear hear!

only piss off, there's a dear

I really don't get it - if you are this sensitive about facebook posts - don't look at facebook! jesh! why should people not post about being pregnant on FB? seriously, I really don't find it 'insensitive' at all, I think you are just projecting your own feelings of inadequacy onto others, and not really thinking about how bitter and weird this is. Should no one ever post about anything good or exciting in their lives? if you think this, stay away from FB.

I know what you mean about Facebook I have been known to hide friends. I think the main problem is people won't talk about having issues conceiving even after they are pregnant they often don't admit to them. When (trying to be hopeful!) we finally manage it I am planning on putting on facebook.
"after 2 years of trying and overcoming pcos and endo Florin and Mr Florin are proud to announce we are finally pregnant!"

It was just as bad before Facebook tbh.

When I was TTC we would often be out with a group of friends and there would be the dreaded tap on a glass and a request to make an announcement. Champagne and congratulations all round and me sobbing in the loos.

Everyone knew the problems we were having and didn't show any consideration at all.

It took me 10 years to become a mum in the end and I'm afraid I am now one of those mothers who put up pictures and updates about my DCs achievements all the time.

Oh I agree about Facebook. I wouldn't put scan pictures on there and I hate the fact that some pregnant women complain about pregnancy so much. I have one friend in particular who knows I had a mc and also shares a friend in common with me who suffered a late loss and yet every single day she updates about how fat/sick/tired/fed up she is. I really do think that's insensitive when she knows other people are struggling. I always mentally check my (infrequent) status updates to assess whether they are likely to upset anyone and try not to post anything smug.

nearlymyofone very good point. i have for that reason almost given up posting anything personal on facebook for that reason as I don't want to upset people or appear to brag. It is difficult to know where to draw the line and because people have un-intentionally upset me through their facebook updates I avoid doing anything that could upset others.

I think people underestimate the effect their insessent posting has...

I knew someone who posted every detail about her pregnancy on fb. "oh the bump moved/am sitting here while bumpy wumpy kicks his mummykins..." and on and on and on it went. So much so that an awful lot of her "friends" hid her status updates.

When her baby was born he was ill and was rushed through to scbu and in fact very nearly died. As was her way, she used fb to keep people updated. But because so many people had hidden her updates, an awful lot had no idea of what she was going through.

p.s- a 'friend' on FB had an update today almost gloating about her "amazing life cushy part-time job, gorgeous husband, two wonderful boys and upcoming holiday".... thought that was a bit much!

I get where you're coming from- during my pregnancy I didn't post anything about it on FB for that reason, although when I went to concerts and out with friends with a big bump and other people tagged me in photos I could hardly hide it.

I thought I'd also never put photos of my dc on FB for the same reason, but then I figured he's kind of a massive part of my life so it would be weird not to.

I bet though you still put photos of you and your partner/husband etc on there, when you have friends who are single and would love to be in a relationship, or photos of you and your mum/dad when you have friends who have lost theirs? It's not all that dissimilar.

I get where you're coming from but where do you draw the line?

I totally agree too, I know I can't complain if people don't know what I have been through but it's the ones that do and post things like 'anything but another 2 weeks' about going overdue when I had just lost my baby at 24 weeks. Insensitive cow. I also think if I dont see you in rl to tell you I am pg then you don't need to know! grrr

I agree with all of this and I have also blocked peoples updates who constantly go on and on and on about their pregnancy. (One friend who is particularly bad with constant pg updates has a due date about a week behind where I should have been had I not had a mc, which is particularly difficult.) However, I wonder how I would have been, had I got pregnant easily and stayed pregnant and was not in the world of worrying about getting pregnant and staying pregnant. If it is easy sometimes it is easy to be ignorant about what other people are finding difficult.

I do know that if/when I get pg again, I will not put any updates on facebook and be very low key about announcing my pregnancy at all to avoid hurting anyone else who is going through a difficult time with TTC and feels unable to talk about it.