Just MC and ready to try again? Pack your leathers, black nail polish, air guitar and jump in the mosh pit for some serious metalling. All welcome! (Part 17)

Manda big giraffe-sized hugs. I think the metalling you are going through is perfectly normal. I don't think there can ever be any standard way of reacting to a day like today. And nobody would think that the fact your recent bfp may have softened the blow(for want of a better expression) a little for you means that you miss, or love, your little angel any less. I hope it has helped you a bit sharing your thoughts on here, but I think speaking to your midwife is a good idea too. Love the idea of the peace lily too.

My only piece of advice is to stay away from the pee sticks! Easier said than done though, I know.

Pie 3 times in prime time could well do the job! As you say, it only takes one persistent little swimmer after all

Summer loving your metalling and symptom spotting already. And your choice of lunch offering - can I have paprika sprinkled on mine please?

Thanks Shimmery. Stomach feeling a bit better. Have had major gas and the runs (sorry) so am feeling less neurotic about it being anything more sinister.

And for the FIRST TIME EVER, I will pass on the hot chocolate fudge cake . That's how yuk I feel. But good choice Blue, choc fudge cake will for ever remind me of working in my Aunt's pub when I was a teenager. I really don't know why I wasn't the size of a house when I worked there! Used to scoff everything in sight!

summer It's fine! I know I'm being irrational, film-style slaps to the face are probably just what I need!

Actually, feeling kinda 'blank' again, so it seems to have done the trick for the time being!

gosh i just read that back. i can be rather 'bullish' sometimes!

look i am northern, its what we do. call it a 'geordie hug' you are going to be fine

This pregnancy is going to work. This bean is going to stick.

You are pregnant 'today'

You lot are the best.

I know there are no right or wrong ways to grieve - but I think hearing everyone say it makes it feel more true. Crazy.

And as for my test line, I know, I know, less dye, more dilute pee... don't get me wrong, it's still a great line, would easily be bfp on a digi, I just... want it to be as dark, or darker than yesterdays! Eh, doesn't help that I have my tests in the drawer still from DS3 and at 17dpo the test line was darker than the control!

Annnnd, I just need to voice another irrational thought I have today (up until today I don't think I was even really admitting to myself that I'm pregnant and now I'm a bag of neuroses!).

I see the 1 in 4 'odds' touted often as the miscarriage rate. Admittedly, that includes very early losses/chemicals that most women wouldn't even be aware of.

Now, last time was my DC4 - having been 'lucky' three times before I did fixate a bit up until the 12 week scan that this would be my 1 in 4. When that was ok, I relaxed a little, but still didn't go out shopping the way I did before or tell the world like I did before. WHy? I can't say.

TUrns out, he was my 1 in 4... but, it seems, due to my very high temp/virus thing. I am now thinking he wasn't really my 1 in 4, and that I still haven't had a 'proper' miscarriage. Ugh, this sounds ridiculous, I know it does. Ffs, what's a 'proper' miscarriage? But it just seems like, I was unlucky, got ill, and it took him too. He wasn't meant to go, iyswim?

So, I'm still due my 1 in 4. And maybe this is it.

Yup. Yup. I've gone SERIOUSLY metal.

I have my appointment to say 'I'm pregnant' to the Dr tomorrow. I really am gonna ask to speak to a counsellor, or maybe a bereavement midwife, or something cos this feels awful. Perhaps it's just the way I'm reacting to 'today'. But... UGH!

blue did you just ask me if i wanted chocolate cake? is the Pope a catholic? Does a bear $1 in the woods? yes? foolish question o' blue one, foolish

pie you are indeed correct, i know i OV'd last wednesday which is CD12. That makes me due on 21 September (next Wednesday) at 14DPO rather than Friday 23rd which is CD28. However after the kerfuffle of the CP i am going to hold out to test. You see if we are PG then we will want to tell the world but then again we are going to be so worried. I also wont want to let on to my parents who are visiting on 30 Sept (although i would definitely have tested by then!) after my mother's lack of tact last month.

So in a nutshell, i should be due circa Wednesday 21st but shall test on Sunday 25th with FMU.

Also pie i am to say that when PG with DS i told everyone at 4+4. Now i look back i cringe at the naivety. I even announced it at work and emailed HR! Dear god i would be soooo much more restrained this time. In fact when i got pg in January i dont think i told work until i was about 8 weeks gone which seems sensible. That worked well actually as 2 weeks later i needed some 'extended' sick leave it meant that everyone was lovely when i returned.

waves to shimmery and her fabulous job - forgive me (as i had loads to catch up on) is it you who is off to Japan and NYC? Another 'kanichiwaaaaa' from me!

X-post pie and shimmery come eat chocolate cake in the June masif zone too

manda I don't think there's any way to 'prepare' yourself for today or know how you would feel...I know after my MC it took weeks before the full emotion of it all started to come out and I felt awful that I wasn't crying the whole time etc as that's what I felt I should be doing IYSWIM? Buying the Peace Lily sounds like a great idea. I also don't think you should feel guilty that the bfp might have 'helped' how you're feeling...I think for all of us one of our big desires is to get to that point before our due date and you have been lucky to get to that point (although I appreciate that has it's own stresses that come with it!). Try not to read too much into the tests either...and maybe see if you can hold off for another couple of days before you test again (I know, damned difficult) but the hormone takes a while to multiply and you had quite a drink at 4am so FMU would've been more dilute...the main thing is that the line is there!! And FWIW being thirsty is a good pregnancy sign!! I never get thirsty in the night yet when I was pregnant I woke up gasping during the night and was constantly guzzling water...and then needing to pee

summer would you like some cake too? I'm trying hard not to metal (CD20 today I think) and stay 'chilled and calm' and not think about how soon I could test...though last cycle was 31 days so it's not really as soon as it sounds...if I can hold off til this time next week that'd be good! I think we should start a 'June Masif' metal club in the corner of the mosh pit/padded room, manda come and join us as well (though think you might be late May) and we can head bang and eat chocolate cake together!

How's everyone else today?

manda I love the idea of the peace lily for your son x I agree with shimmery it sounds like your FMU would have been much more dilute than normal. You could always do a CB Digi to put your mind at rest, but I am sure that everything is absolutely fine and I know the dye does differ from one test to another. Please come on here anytime, we are all here for you and a virtual hand hold or big hug. xx

shimmery the long hours aren't so bad if you enjoy your job, it does sound quite crazy!

summer oooooo, do I remember rightly and you said you normally ovulate quite early in the cycle? It's very possible then that you could well be 7dpo and in full symptom mode!

I was talking to my colleage today about the girl I know who has announced her 'unplanned' pg at 4 weeks and we were both quite incredulous about it as it's such early days. My colleague has had 2 mc (both IVF :() (but I haven't told her about mine, yet).

So, who is due to test first! I should know either way by the time my friend's wedding comes around in 2 weeks but at the moment won't be testing until mid/end of next week!

missg hope you are feeling better now x

*sounds

Glad you had a good time Blue - I love blackberry picking .

Pie - I do financial disputes and insolvencies, essentially meaning I mostly work for banks, insurers, etc when they get sued or get fined by regulators :). It tends to mean that things are time pressured (as regulatory deadlines are pretty tight), hence the ridiculous hours. 'tis all rather good fun though.

Miss G - hope you can get some rest today and feel a bit better tomorrow.

Now, Manda, it is perfectly fine to tell us how you feel, so don't apologise. Today is an important day for you. You've been thinking about it for a long time, and it is unsurprising tha you will feel odd. Having hope due to your BFP does not mean that you did not love and do not miss your little boy. I think that maybe today it's all a just bit too much for you, and that is perfectly normal. Buying a peace lily shoulds like a beautiful thing to do.

As for your BFP - you sound to have drunk a lot more than you usually would,so that may explain it. If you can, try to spend the day relaxing (I recommend Ben & Jerrys and movies and talking to us, or course). We're here for you.

manda you cannot mosh now that you are PG but how about a bit of crowd surfing? we will all make sure we hold you up

manda crossed posts

i cant blame you for feeling like this, you may have also felt like this without the BFP last week. i think the peace lily is a beautiful idea (may i copy that idea for next month?) your son will always be in your heart and you will never forget him. you could also adopt a star, your own special one for private chats

i really think it is normal to feel numb today, my counsellor told me that i may feel nothing on my due date but it may hit me later on, or a couple of weeks earlier. she recommended i do something i wouldnt be able to do with a newborn, like go shopping on my own, have a facial etc etc.

of course i get it - we all do. sending you some positive vibes today.

//////////////\ (summer's positive vibes )

oh gawd i am frantically trying to catch up on my lunch break. this is what i get for staying off line over the weekend

Congrats to IQ and Marathon for lovely scans IQ i was loving your description of mini IQ waving and stretching we all love a good streeetch! oh and Marathon your post made me blub (secretly at my desk)

missg are you ok today? it just sounds like a bit of 'breakthrough' bleed or implantation. FX

I am on full metalling mode and wonder if there is any room in the mosh pit? I am on CD17, we only managed in the end to SWI on CD10, 12 and 16 last night (well we had a power cut - what else would you do?!) however i had two glasses (count 'em) of wine on saturday night and fell asleep aaaand the same happened last night. My colleague made me a coffee and i at it this morning. Aaaaarrrggghhhhh is the padded cell free?

i dont have time for a full name check but want to wave at everyone and hope you are all having a fine Monday. I will catch up properly for now as i am at work!!

OK, first off I'm gonna apologise for being so me, me, me - but if anyone will get it, it's you guys.

For the last few weeks, the thought of this day has overwhelmed me; I literally couldn't think of anything else.

Then I got my bfp on Tuesday, and the significance of today seemed to fade to a fuzzy dreamlike date that seemed far, far away.

And now it's here. And I feel.. strangely numb. Is this normal? I've been so upset for the weeks leading up that I expected today to be incredibly hard, but it's just not. I don't know if it's because I got my bfp (in which case I feel dreadful for pushing away my grief for my little boy over a teeny tiny speck of... hope). My logical side tells me it's kinda like the limbo I went into for a few days after I found out he'd passed, then gave birth, then for a couple of days I was almost 'fine' - then I absolutely fell to pieces. So, I think I KNOW that this is almost too traumatic for me to properly 'feel' and that I'm protecting myself.

Geez, does any of this rambling make sense? Any of you recognise any of this? Because I feel...odd. I feel like I want to cry for my son but the tears just aren't there.

I'm going to go with DP later to the garden centre and buy a peace lily. Not only are they beautiful when they flower (and they flower each year so quite apt) but I like the symbolic meaning of its name - hoping it brings me peace.

But... I am also quietly panicking about this bean. Today's test looks lighter. Now, I know the standard line about different dye levels, I've used that one myself! And... I drank about 300mls of milk right before I went to sleep (usually do not drink before bed) and had 200mls of juice at 4am (usually never drink in the night) so there's the possibility my fmu was slightly less dilute. But the last two mornings I've felt ropey until I ate (about 11am) yet I haven't eaten yet and feel FINE. And... where's the mosh pit because I'm bloody terrified.

Fuck. Just fuck. I wish I could have slept through today, it would have been easier.

missg surely that's what holidays are for we certainly wouldn't manage that much SWI in a 'normal' week but a cottage on the Isle of Wight in the rain and the wind, well, another matter entirely Hope you're resting up and trying not to stress too much today...as pie said I'm sure some pink CM isn't uncommon and nothing to stress about...stay calm if you can.

pie hope you're doing ok? V difficult hearing about friends announcing pregnancies and especially sooo early and with a 'not planned' aspect too! DC's 8, 12, 15 could still be enough - as you say it only takes one swimmer!!

Having a bit of post holiday blues...DH not back to work until tomorrow and I quite fancy a day at home today too...instead I am at my desk trying to look busy whilst on MN working hard!

(sorry for my rambled post missg I wanted to get something down before my morning meeting at work). xx

Sorry crossed posts with missg! Try not to worry too much and stay away from Dr Google (okay so I know I would be doing the same if it were me but ....) am sure very light pink tinged CM is nothing to worry about, but you are doing the right thing in taking today off - stay in bed, watch DVDs, read and relax! :) I am sure the the bloatedness, sick, boaky feeling is a good sign. Am sure there were lots of things on google that said it's common/normal etc xx

Morning All,

manda be good to yourself today, am thinking of you x And i'd be exactly the same in constantly doing tests!

blue wow!! you have been good with the SWI this month! You & DH must be knackered!"

shimmery another one on the money with the SWI! Sorry to hear work has been so crap - can I ask what field you are in (understand if you don't want to say!)

Am pretty sure we are out this month already. Just haven't done enough SWI! Managed a few days ago and again last night when i'd had a +OPK but, we've just been too knackered! I guess it only takes one little wriggler but am sure we've just not done it enough, hey ho! So, so far only on 8, 12, 15 but hopefully again tonight :)

IQ fab news about the scan gal! Go girl! :)

Found out yesterday somebody I know is pg and it 'wasn't planned'. They already have one DC and they said it's a shock but c'mon surely you know by know that unprotected sex could lead to pg!!! They are only 4 weeks but have told a few people already. Ah the innocence of never having experienced a miscarriage!!

poppy how was your birthday celebrations?

missg wow excellent sneaking off skills!

baby how was your birthday?

Waves to marathon, summer, eve, zebra and anybody else i've missed!!

And IQ! Fab news about the scan. So funny you're making comparisons with your sister already! Did they date you then?

Morning ladies.

Blue and Shimmery impressed by your dedication to the cause! Get those June hoodies on!

Manda I'm with you on the tiredness. I have been exhausted this weekend. Nephew slept right through the night, which was great, but I have felt like a burst sofa all weekend.

I have been metalling slightly over the weekend. Had some very lightpink-tinged CM on Saturday, just twice when I wiped after the loo (sorry TMI). Cue excessive googling. Then, last night, after my dinner, I had bad stomach pains. Not like crampy pains, just a general sore stomach. Felt so bloated too. Wasn't sure if I just ate too much (as I made a fabulous dinner of lasagne and creamy garlic sweet potato bake (and garlic bread obviously, I LOVE garlic) and ate quite a lot) but it didn't go away during the night and I still feel really yuk today. Have felt bloated in early pg before, but not to the extent that it makes me feel ill. Trying not to read anything into it, it could be a bug working on me I suppose. I feel like a bit of a fraud, but I am actually taking today off , as I am so tired and have basically felt sick and boaky since 7pm last night .

Hope everyone has a good week.

Morning all...just a quick post before I head into work to say that I'm thinking of you today manda hope you're doing ok? Such good news about the bfp but I'm sure today will still be tough...take care...

shimmery sorry to hear your work so crazy at the moment but at you still fitting SWI in last week....go girl!!

Hope everyone has had a good weekend, and good birthday celebrations too! I'm not really looking forward to going back to work this morning - another week off would be most welcome! Plus now trying to decide whether I'm in the 2ww or whether a bit more SWI is needed

Must dash...catch up later!

Just taken me an hour to catch up with all the posts since we went away last weekend!! We had a lovely time on the Isle of Wight despite the rain, fog and howling winds!! Still managed to have a couple of lovely walks, great blackberry picking, trip to the cinema to see One Day (v good though made me cry) and when it was sunny some nice ice-cream! Oh, and lots of SWI have managed days 11, 12, 14, 15, 16 and 18 so far hoping that's not too much!! Feeling quite PMA about this cycle (read, will be gutted if I get AF in a couple of weeks time!) will try for another couple of days of SWI in case I've ov'd late and then off we go into the loooong 2 week wait! (I used to Ov on CD25 with 35-37day cycle but last cycle was 31 days which could suggest a CD17-18 ov date, though I did spot some clear CM on CD16 this cycle which was also our 4th wedding anniversary so would be if we conceived then!!)

Anyway...hoorah for manda and good scan news from marathon and IQ great news!

baby so sorry to hear things have been tough for you but glad AF has arrived!

Happy Birthday to the birthday girls this weekend!

I'm afraid that I lost the ability to note take so that I could do a full name check after all my looong reading so will just for the moment and catch up as the next few days go on!!

Right...now, with all these fresh blackberries and some nice stewed apple I've made some blackberry and apple crumbles and pies

Oh, YES! IQ Fab, fab news, so pleased!

I'm going to a wedding reception tonight but only going to stay an hour because I'll have DS2 in tow and can't drink anyway - nothing worse than being somewhere where everyone is getting smashed and you're...not. Plus, I'm struggling with tiredness, falling asleep almost come 9pm.

At least I won't have to tell big fat lies about why I'm not drinking as I'm still breastfeeding anyway and everyone knows.

Hope you're having a happy birthday, poppy - weather grim here so do hope you've got a little sunshine?

Likewise, for tomorrow, baby

Am I crazy? I just went out and bought four more FRER's so I can carry on testing for the next, uh, four days. (even more bargainous for me - I have over £150 of points so I used some to pay for the tests, so they were FREEEEE!)

Hola

Marathon and IQ - so glad your scans went well :), and another :) to *Baby for things getting back on track.

I've only skimmed all the more recent posts and will go back and look properly later (intrigued by the idea of dairy milk prawns). Unfortunately I have to do about 3 hours work first. Couldn't start without checking in though - it's my first opportunity for ages.

Work is manic - between 5:30 on Tuesday morning and 10:30pm last night (Friday), I had a grand total of 8 hours sleep - 4 hours Tuesday night, 1 hour on the train on Wednesday morning, and another 3 hours on Wednesday night. Didn't get to go to bed on Thursday night at all, as I finished all my work at 3:30am and was unfortunately WIDE AWAKE and would have had to get up at 5:30 anyway, so I just kept going through Friday.

To make it even more fun - I got a positive OPK on Thursday morning, and DH and I have been DTDing. Despite everything we managed Monday and Wednesday mornings, Thursday evening and Friday evening, so we're in with a fair chance . Last night had to be a quickie though - otherwise I would seriously have dozed off during the act!