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Original poster

42 and scared to become pregnant, but would like to be pregnant!

31 replies

script · 05/07/2011 09:56

The subject says it all! I have a dd aged 14 and a ds aged 12 and have always wanted a third child. Lack of money was the main reason we didn't go on. The years just slipped by and I was content ferrying the kids to their different activities. Any time I brought it up my DH just said no, too big a gap. He however, now realises how important this is to me.

For the past six months I have wrestled with the decision to have another. It has been all consuming. On the one hand I would love another child - if only someone could just wheel in the pram! On the other hand I am terrified by the miscarriage risk, risks of chromosomal abnormalities and stillbirth. I am not really worried by the age gap as I have read lots of really positive posts regarding only children. Our child would just have a much older brother and sister.

Basically I would love another child but am petrified at the thought of it all going wrong. DH and I are very healthy and have no medical problems.

I would so appreciate your thoughts- I am so aware that I have to make my mind up now.

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Original poster
script · 11/07/2011 21:52

I will - take care xx

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hippychick66 · 11/07/2011 21:50

thanks so much sweetie Grin Keep me informed?

Original poster
script · 11/07/2011 21:39

Hippychick66: No you haven't discouraged me. I am very grateful that you have taken the time to share your story. It is much better that I understand the reality of trying to have a baby in my 40's. As you say we aren't always told whether donor eggs are used or not.

I am terrified of having a mc at work. My colleagues called an ambulance when it happened before. It happened so quickly and the cramps were much worse than labour pains. If I could take a year off work- I would give it a go. That comes across very negative, but I feel that they would think me very foolish.

If I am honest I would not want a wee baby with a chromosomal abnormality. I would worry how that would impact on my other two. We don't have any support and my DH runs his own business. I do know that age doesn't guarantee that everything will be perfect. I have a friend who had her ds baby at 20. I just worry how I would cope at 42.

As I said my grandmother had a perfectly healthy girl at 45. She gave birth to a little girl at 37 who died at 3 months. I know there are no guarantees. If only it was that easy! Part of my problem was that I always fantasised about having one in my 40's. I am NOT so brave when it comes to it.

Thank you so much for your good wishes. I have a strong faith and you will be in my prayers.

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hippychick66 · 11/07/2011 21:06

script what a cheek from our GP. Shock Mine has always been so nice and when i told her recently that I felt I was at the end of my journey she said she was still hoping it would happen for us.

I think maybe those celebs use doner eggs and have IVF - not always, but sometimes.

I hope that i didn't put you off trying. You could be one of the lucky ones, I guess I just wanted you to go into it with your eyes wide open - mine were a bit bloody blinkered at the beginning to be honest Blush

As I said, there is a lady on the thread who just had her 6th baby at age 44 and has not ruled out trying for a 7th - she has, of course, suffered a few losses along the way though. Hard isn't it??

My boys are so good with babies, I know if we had another one the age gap would not matter in our family. Heartbreakingly we had already told them about the first pregnancy and had to tell them when we found out it had stopped progressing - worst day of my life Sad. We didn't tell them when I got pregnant again, thankfully. And I wouldn't tell them if I was successful again - not until I was confident of a take home baby.

All the very best to you and yours. X

Original poster
script · 10/07/2011 20:56

Hippychick66 : Thank you so much for sharing your story. It is refreshing to speak to someone who decided to try for another one after a gap. If it is any help my grandmother had her third child at 45. Her second child was 5 when her DD was born. She had no help- so perhaps you just need a bit of luck.

From my point of view everytime I open a glossy some celebrity in her 40's is beaming out at me with an idyllic cherub sleeping peacefully in her arms. I suppose that I am guilty of being sucked into the dream.

It is really good to get a more realistic viewpoint. I do know about the mc risk and it does frighten me.

I have had a peek at that thread and it is harrowing to read about the mcs. My heart goes out to all of you.

I am worried about telling my workmates if I was pregnant. I tend to feel that they would think "Get a life". My GP also said that perhaps it was time to let the next generation take over- he was quick to point out that I could be a grandmother in 10 years or less. Not very encouraging!

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hippychick66 · 10/07/2011 20:30

Hi. Just wanted to let you know that there is a thread in conception called fabulous 40+ part 4 which is full of us loony older women trying to get pregnant. Grin

As for me, I have 2 boys aged 11 and 8. I am currently 44 (approaching 45). I decided at nearly 43 to try for one last cheeky baby. I had gotten pregnant very easily with the boys, much like you I almost chose when i got pregnant and was convinced it would only take me about 3 months this time Blush.

Anyway, i did get pregnant within 5 months of trying for #3 but sadly had a MMC (discovered at 11.5 weeks that the baby had stopped at 8 weeks). I then became pregnant again 3 months later but also lost that one to a spontanious early MC at 7 weeks. My GP is lovely and has always been very encouraging and has made a point of saying to me that the difference between my two successful pregnancies and my 2 losses is purely a problem with the actual embryo and nothing that I did differently.

All I will say is this, if it's what you really want then go for it but don't think it will be like it was in your 30s. Sadly i have learnt that it is so much harder to get a sticky one in your 40s. It's now been 13 months since my last MC and not a hint of a BFP and I am at the end of the journey. My GP gave me 3 months of clomid to try and if that doens't work I will stop trying. I do feel sad that I didn't get my one last little one but I am always grateful for the boys i have.

I will also say, when i was pregnant at 43 I did feel a bit weird telling people (we had just started to tell people when i lost it). I felt I had to excuse myself for being older and pregnant - so goodness knows how I will feel if I am successful now at my age!!

Good luck to you and please do feel free to join us on the thread.

ps. there are women on the thread having babies in their 40s - one at 44 recently and about 3 at 40 at the moment. however, there are also far too many having MCs -which is heartbreaking. Sad

Original poster
script · 10/07/2011 19:50

Cece: you are right I think it does depend where you live. I live in a very rural location where very very few women have babies in their 40's. He did put me off. I work in the NHS so I do respect his opinion.

I think I am also stressed about it because of the gap- I was last pregnant 12 years ago. I also go up and down - sometimes I am all for it and other times I think don't put yourself through it. My children are very happy and get on great- they are happy as they are.

It is me who wants another child.

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cece · 10/07/2011 18:32

Oh she did tut when I told her prior to the pg and she did give me a short lecture on the risks...

Also I expect it depends where you live too. I live in commuter belt land.

Original poster
script · 10/07/2011 18:27

Cece: That is much higher than what I would have thought. My GP tutted when I told him I wanted another baby. It is no wonder I am so scared!

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cece · 10/07/2011 12:47

I had my third at the age of 42 with a gap of five and half years.

My GP told me that 15% of her mums to be are over 40.

I think you need to decide one way or another and just go for it (if that is what you decide to do) as to be blunt time is not on your side.

Oh and I did have two mc prior to having DC 3. They were painful but I got there in the end. Smile

Original poster
script · 10/07/2011 12:36

Ledger: Thank you for sharing your experience with me- it has been invaluable. I have decided to give it a go this month and see what happens. My problem- and also DH's is that we are both perfectionists. The reality is that life is not like that. It throws up lots of challenges and it is up to each of us to embrace them.

You are right when you say that I am not as old as I think. I have lots of energy and am size 8. I would be great at fostering- my only worry is that I would bond so well that my heart would get broken when the child goes back home. But it is a case of, you don't know til you try.

Love to you and your family and enjoy your daughter.

Thanks again.

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ledkr · 10/07/2011 10:46

Dont let me put you off adoption,i am very new to it and went on mat leave so if you like i will ask my colleague,if you were prepared for an older child it would be quicker/easier.I do support and some of the children really do have severe and complex needs but you would be prepared for all that before.Foster carers especially good ones are in short supply too. Im not sure you are as old as you think,there are so many older Mums now,so far i have NEVER felt old,i promise.I am certainly enjoying my baby tho and its nice to have an excuse to slow down a bit,i will have the summer holidays with dd1 for the first time ever. Keep me posted on what you decide to do.

Original poster
script · 09/07/2011 17:07

ledkr: Firstly I want to thank you for giving me an insight into being pregnant at 43. If we go ahead and if I get pregnant, I won't be so worried about what people will think - so thank you for that. It is hard for me, as personality wise I am not a rule breaker. I am the sort of person who sticks religiously to the speed limit, always arrives in work on time and who reads loads of books on every aspect of parenthood. The sort of person who can be relied on to support other people and who copes well in a crisis - as long as it is not of my own making!

Could i just ask why the odds would be against us with regards to adoption? Is it our ages- 42 and DH 43? Or is it that we have 2 biological children? I am aware that any adopted child will have issues due to neglect etc and that it would not be any easy solution. Would long term fostering work better? I feel that we have a lot to offer a child. I would really enjoy helping with homework and would be the sort of person to go the 'extra mile'. I very rarely shout at the children and really enjoy playing tennis, football etc with them.

DH will support me with whatever I decide to do. He feel slightly guilty that due to his own relationship with his brother he didn't want a gap of more than 3 years. So by the time we were on our feet financially, he felt the gap was too big.

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ledkr · 09/07/2011 15:57

btw,i certainly wasnt out of place in hospital loads of older mums and i go to groups now and am fine.

ledkr · 09/07/2011 15:56

Well i happen to work in adoption and whilst you could look into it the odds maybe against you and certainly dont say you have been thinking of ttc.
It took me along time but i have also had chemo some yrs ago and it also took me 2 yrs with dd1 at 34yrs too,i know lots of people who concieved naturally in their 40's.
I felt self consious but i didnt need to and the medical staff never batted an eyelid.
I had a mc too,before dd1 and i was too scared of this,in fact i was scared thru the pg,but i was with dd1 too it was the mc.
I also didnt want ivf but did have a test to see if my hormones were ok and they were.
The chances are that adoption wont fill that gap i feel.
How does dh feel about it?Cos you will need his support.

Original poster
script · 09/07/2011 15:48

ledkr: When you say that you felt self-conscious during the first ante natal - I am already thinking how old I will be compared to other mums. I also feel that no-one would judge you for wanting a baby with your new husband. I would feel exactly the same if I was in that situation. In a way I feel that I don't have that excuse! That really sounds silly as I know that I don't need one. We are bombarded by Government health messages encouraging us all to have our children before we turn 36. That is all fine in theory - but what does that say to me, as someone who wishes circumstances had allowed her to have more when she was younger?

I am also getting the picture that it could take a long time - you must have been only 40 when you started trying, and it took you 3 years. I don't feel strongly enough about it, that I want to go down the assisted conception route. I don't want to put myself through it.

I am frightened of another mc because it happened at work. I was totally overwhelmed by panic and embarrassment - I hadn't told anyone at work that I was pregnant.

I would be happy to adopt, but as I said earlier I don't know if we would be suitable as we have 2 biological children. I could however look into it.

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ledkr · 09/07/2011 11:44

Fmc is th foetal medical centre in Harley st,it was 150 for a nuchal scan and they tested for lots of markers,some hospitals offer this free but not mine.
I was not that tired really cos when you are old-er you tend not to fight it and i rested lots and went to bed early,obviously the older dc's didnt need too much looking after either. I work part time as a sw and managed that but was signed off at 30 wks due to spd. The pg was no worse maybe better than the others i had a c section cos had already had 3,recovery was quick and easy.
My other children are delighted but the boys arent at home and dd1 always wanted a baby sister so her dream came true.
I know what you mean about what people think,i was scared to tell my mum Shock and at the first ante natal i felt as if people were thinking "look at her,has she no control" It was all unfounded tho and the hormones made me look about 5 yrs younger,i have never felt "old" on the contrary people are shocked when i say my age.The pram is very anti ageing haha.
The only struggle for me was as i said the change in lifestyle,i was very independent and liked gong out but i am slowly adapting and trying to just enjoy the slower pace before i go back to work next year.

Original poster
script · 09/07/2011 11:28

Hi ledger, can I ask what fmc stands for? If you had asked me 10 years ago would I consider having a baby at this age I would have laughed and said no way. It reminds me of Atticus Finch and his maxim of walking in the other person's shoes before you know what it feels like to be them. Whether it is IVF or a second marriage, there are lots of reasons that bring us to this crossroads. Given the choice I would rather not be here. My aunt asked me at 39 if I wanted another baby and I said no thank you, I had quite enough on my plate.it must be because this is my last chance.

How are your older kids with your daughter? Were you much more tired in the pregnancy at 43? I am usually a very sensible boring person and I feel that other people may perceive it as silly wanting another baby at this age.

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ledkr · 09/07/2011 08:38

hi,i had dd2 5 months ago at 43,i have ds's 26 25 and 21 and dd 9 it was my 2nd marriage and he had no children,we left it to fate and took 3 yrs but we also werent too bothered if it didnt happen.
I had screening at fmc which was very reassuring and felt a bit more worried re stilbirth but al was ok.
the only thing i have struggled with is the change in lifestyle,ie sleep disturbance,lack of social life and exotic holidays but dh does loads would yours?
DD tho is beautifull and im enjoying her,its also nice to be on mat leave and give dd some time.

Original poster
script · 09/07/2011 08:05

Hi kiteflyer:No you definitely have not offended me. I understand your sentiments and am very thankful that you bothered to give your opinion. It is much appreciated. You are right when you say that fate may not be enough. I am reading a book called Stay Fertile Longer by Mary Kittel. It spells it out loud and clear how fertility drops from the age of 40 onwards. I suppose that due to my family history I feel that I will be able to get pregnant. I am worried about the chances of mc. You are speaking to someone who has had 1 and bled through an entire pregnancy. So that is a big worry in my head- more so than getting pregnant. When I say I may leave it to fate, I just mean if I get pregnant it is God's will and if I don't that is his will also. I hope this makes more sense. But if I had been in your shoes I would have no hesitation in turning to IVF. I am delighted it has worked out for you and all the research shows that older mothers make brilliant mums.

Thank you again for taking the time to give your opinion. It is very much appreciated. What's wrong with me is that I am scared! Xo

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kiteflying · 09/07/2011 00:36

oh, sorry, I obviously offended you. thanks for your good wishes and all the best on your side as well.

Original poster
script · 08/07/2011 19:12

Kiteflying: Thank you for the advice. I guess that I am not worried about becoming pregnant because I had no difficulty before and could in fact choose the month! I am more worried about the 50% miscarriage rate. Also plenty of women in my family have had a baby in their forties, seemingly without trying! I do however take your point and it may not be as easy as I think. I don't feel that I am that desperate that I would go and get IVF. But I can appreciate why other people may feel very differently.

This will sound silly but I am worried what people may think of me - having one at 42 and with such a gap. Everywhere I look I see teenage mums and prams. I was never self conscious like that with the first two.

I am also considering the fostering/adoption suggestion. We may however not be suitable as we have two children.

Hope you are keeping well and good luck with your pregnancy. All the women in my family have given birth to healthy children in their forties. I hope your pregnancy goes well too.xx

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kiteflying · 08/07/2011 08:58

The only thing I would say about leaving it to fate, is that fate is not as kind as it is in your twenties. You do rather have to throw your all into wanting to be pregnant if you want to be pregnant at your age, as in lots of self-belief, maybe some extra supplements (chaste-berry, zinc, vit b etc), some nutrition advice, some acupuncture, meditation...?

My pregnancy follows a very long year and a half of IVF failures, and my first bubs was the product of only one cycle of IVF. Just to give you an idea.
If it really is your heart's desire, then follow your heart and really really try. I recommend buying/borrowing a Zita West book to look at some of tools you can sling in your belt along the way.

There is a fabulous forties thread on this conception forum, too.

Original poster
script · 07/07/2011 11:34

Thank you all for your advice.

Hunterswish- I think that is excellent advice. I feel we should give it a go for a couple of months and see what happens. You are very perceptive to say that I have got myself tied up in knots. I probably just need to relax and let fate take a hand. If we all worried too much about the what ifs in life we would never get out of bed. Thank you for pointing this out.

Slightlybabycrazed- You are also intuitive to ask is it a yearning to be pregnant. That perhaps is the problem - I don't want the worry and uncertainty of a pregnancy at my age. I do however want to complete our family by having a third child. I have thought about adoption but was told that this is not always successful when there are biological children. I would hate to bring a child into our family just to fulfil my need. I am however an excellent mum and it would not worry me in the slightest that the child was not mine biologically. Perhaps in my head I feel having our own child is the least difficult path. If that makes sense?

kiteflying- Thank you also for sharing your story. I am so glad you are having your second. That is great advice to take things day by day and if we go ahead that would be the way to do it.

I feel that it would be easier to deal with it if the pregnancy was a mistake. In some ways it would absolve me if it all went wrong. Does that make any sense?

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kiteflying · 07/07/2011 08:10

If it is your heart's desire, go for it! Better to have no regrets than let your worry decide for you.
I am 43 and pregnant with my second. My DD is only three, but I had some qualms about the age gap - just nothing I could/can do about it. And I had got my head around her being an only, so I know there are so many positives to being an only child - and these will apply to your third.

All the older mum pregnancy-risks you just take day by day. There are ways to reduce the miscarriage risk - mostly by staying low stress!
Good luck, whatever you decide.

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