Active discussions

Help protect children from gaming harms.

Take our survey

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Conception

When's the best time to get pregnant? Use our interactive ovulation calculator to work out when you're most fertile and most likely to conceive.

Original poster

Inability to be happy for friends

154 replies

butternut80 · 16/06/2011 10:58

Does anyone have any advice of what I can do or perhaps offer some hope that things get better. I have been ttc for 16months now with no luck. DH is fine and apparently there is nothing wrong with me either- all bloods fine, early 30s, healthy, clockwork cycles etc etc. But in the meantime I have friends and family falling pregnant left right and centre. Even my bestest friend is pregnant and I find myself thinking awful bitter thoughts about things. However hard I try, it would seem I just can?t be happy for her. She knows our difficulties yet stills regularly emails me to let me know how big she is getting and all the kicking she is feeling. Rather than accept her excitement, I just feel like she is rubbing it in my face and it just makes me angry and upset.

In order to protect myself through my SiL ?s pregnancy, I did everything to avoid seeing them as I couldn?t cope with hearing about the morning sickness as I just sat there thinking you don?t know how lucky you are. Now they have had their baby , I have no interest in going to see them, I don?t ask DH how they?re getting on? I just don?t want to know as I find it too painful.. I have never been like this before; I know envy/jealousy are horrible traits and don?t help anyone least of all me but I just can?t seem to help it. I dread seeing friends because I worry they are going to tell me they are pregnant. I suppose my greatest fear is that if it never happens for us, I will end up becoming a bitter old hag who has no friends and who driven her husband towards a woman who can give him kids.

Am I truly an awful person or has anyone else felt like this before and if so how did you handle it??

OP posts:
LoveInAColdClimate · 16/06/2011 14:02

In fact, thisisstupid, having read your comments on another conception thread, re how long it took you to conceive (where you say "Pregnancy 1 accident i had an abortion, my firstborn was an accident i was on the injection crazy. Pregnancy 3 i was an accident i didn't use a condom one night which was a stupid thing to do and ended in a second abortion. Pregnancy number 4 first time we had unprotected sex i got pregnant and am 36 weeks now and counting, none of my pregnancies were really planned they just happened best way really you avoid the stress of actually trying" (excuse underlining, for some reason I can't do italics) I would suggest that you perhaps have no idea how painful the inability to conceive can be and that you might wish to refrain from giving hurtful "advice" to people you are clearly unable to empathise with.

LoveInAColdClimate · 16/06/2011 13:55

Butternet - I know how you feel. This morning the baby of some friends who got married the week before us was born. I am happy for them but in all honestly I am much more upset for me! I hate feeling this way but I can't help it. I have been reading a book ("Conquering Infertility") which has a whole chapter on this and how normal it is to feel this way, which I found helpful and reassuring.

Eurochick - funnily enough, I have it the other way around. In the 2WW I can look at pregnant women and think "Ooooh, that might be me, maybe it worked this month" - I feel more despairing in the first half of the cycle (where I am now) and around ovulation. In the 2WW I know we did our best and that it might have been successful so, while it's still stressful waiting to find out, it's a different kind of stressful, IYKWIM.

thisisstupid - I don't find your comments helpful or kind. The conception boards are supposed to be a place of support. Butternet - of course you won't end up bitter and alone. Please don't think that.

thisisstupid · 16/06/2011 13:33

Maybe think how your best friend or sil is feeling pregnancy is not all wonderful its hard, everything changes and there are all sorts of worries that come with, emotional, financial etc. As well as all the excitment that makes you want to talk about it all the time, its horrible when people who should be happy for you can't be, the thing is your worried about ending up bitter and alone if you continue with that attitude you will be, you need to stop worrying about getting pregnant. It will happen but shutting everyone out isn't going to help, maybe explain to your friend how you're feeling, she isn't trying to rub it in your face she's just excited and if you really are her friend you will be too.

eurochick · 16/06/2011 11:41

I have had my moments of feeling like that. I find it helpful to think of it in this way: there is not a finite amount of pregnancy in the world. A friend getting pregnant makes it no less likely that you will.

Most of the time (as I say I have my moments!) I like hearing about other people's pregnancies or looking at the preggo board on here. I am learning quite a lot and feeling more at ease with the idea of being pregnant as time goes on. I find it interesting.

I do have times when jealousy takes over though, and I find they are hormone driven (always during the 2ww so I blame progesterone!). During the first part of my cycle I deal with this stuff much better and find my emotions are on a pretty even keel. Now I have identified this, I know when I am most likely to take pregnancy news badly.