Just MC and ready to try again? Pack your cake, wine and tightie whities and join us for more ranting, weeping and most of all laughing! All welcome! (Part 12)

tried to post this last night by MN wouldnt let me - site maintenance

will catch up with todays events later

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Chloe you sound like you are really hurting at the moment I personally cant recommend counselling enough, because its really working for me. I went right after my mc but did a couple of sessions and didnt keep it up (was skint) but I really wished I had, its doing me the world of good now. Have you ever called the miscarriage association? Could be a good place to start. I know starting/stopping fertility meds is always a landmark and means so much more than just taking a pill. You definitely need a bit of extra support at these times, so if you feel counselling is right for you, it doesnt really matter what your DH's opinion is about it, you know what you need much better than anyone else (and he will thank you for it when his happy wife comes back!) As far as getting him to read this thread, it might help, but I have found that trying to get my DH to "understand" what I have been going through has been a great big waste of energy. He hasnt lived through what I have, so he never will really understand what its like or be able to be as supportive as I want him to be. I am doing much better getting the help and support from a professional counsellor and it is making me and my relationship so much better. Whatever you decide to do, please dont suffer in silence, you deserve to have some help and support, please reach out and ask for it, it can make all the difference to your quality of life.

I also agree with the others that your friend was really insensitive! Really really really insensitve!! God, what was she thinking?!

If you decide to take a break from the thread please know that we are always here for you if you decide to come back later. Much love xxx

Velvet I know what its like to have DH troubles on top of fertility issues, its a bit like having the rug pulled out from under your feet because if there is ever a time you need extra kindness and support its now! However, counselling is making me see that I can focus on how hurt I feel and how unfair it all is, or focus on how much I have been through and survived and how strong it has made me. So, I am sending you some or my newfound strong powerful vibes so that you can feel empowered and courageous. xxxx

mouse best of luck tomorrow! You probably wont need it though, as you already feel secure in what a great teacher you are and you seem super alert to any potential harrassment, and you have a great plan to end the meeting if need be, armed with all of that you can take on the world

wombat sorry to hear about the bleeding. fingers crossed, and silver dollars and fourleaf clovers out for you. I'm just willing everything to be OK for you xxxx

big hello for BrownB and BiscuitChart

Spam is distinctly unsexy Emoo!!

Just a quick catch-up from me...
Off to the GP tomorrow to try to plead for a scan. Doesn't feel real yet.

MummyA - hooray for a valentine's ovulation! And I'm so glad the counselling is going okay.

Izzy - last time I made fairy cakes with DD they ended up as fairy biscuits, and were only good for drowning in bananas and custard. Yum. Glad you're zenish and I will be chart-stalking soon!

A&R - I like the sound of your job - drinking coffee and organising people... that's what I do at the weekend! I love your four-room analogy. Very helpful.

Cep - looks like your temps are levelling out - bodes well for learning a bit more about your body this month.

Loola - poor you with a hellish week. Hope this week is better.

Mouse - I wish I was a genie so I could grant you and everyone else here your wishlist, and I hope your work-people treated you well today.

Velvet - frustrated "aaarghghghghgh" on your behalf at DH refusing to co-operate and being nasty now. I hope you enjoyed your night out regardless.

Hils - sounds like you might not be quite ready to go back yet, but there may come a point fairly soon where you find that sitting at home with lots of thinking time is not helping any more, and we will all hold your hand and listen to any rants when you decide to go back.

Chloe - sorry things are difficult for you, that your friend was insensitive/misguided, and that you feel so sad. You know you don't have to decide to either stay or leave the thread - you can dip in and out and people will understand.

YRMOTB - sounds like a lovely weekend - enjoy your SMEP! (I was just dyslexic and typed SPAM for some reason... but didn't think you'd understand if I left it in!)

Waves at blackkat, hadrian, zam, lily, lili, collie, natalie and anyone else!

Well. I don't really know where to begin.

I'll start with me
I have had a lovely weekend, plenty of lovely food, eating, drinking galore, seeing lovely friends, and all in all having an amazing time in the big smoke. Went to borough markets, did a pub crawl round camden-ish area, visited the Tate Modern. In terms of ttc we didn't temp or swi, as had the whole weekend off. I am on day 14, but don't usually ov till day 20ish, so that's ok. todays temps and cm fit with pre-ov. SMEP (should I be calling it SMEG-I loved Red Dwarf too) is starting in eaarnest today, i'll see how it goes.

velvet sorry that DH is being a dick. Was it in relation to all the stuff he's said before about if you drink you're not really comitted to the ttc? Obviously I am NOT thinking this is the way forward, you need to stay happy and relaxed IMO about ttc. Hugs.

mouse good luck for today. I hope it all goes ok, and they are as kind and thoughtful as we would hope they can be.

chloe I think there are certainly times when these boards help more than they hinder, but certainly it is possible to become too obsessive about it all. I try to compartmentalise my ttc worrying to here, but it's not always as easy as that.

Hi blackat

wombat so sorry to hear that. FX for today for you, as peeps have said bleeding does seem to be more common post mc. Good luck, I'm sure it will be fine.

mummya I'm oving around Valentines day! eek. Hope your night out Friday was good.

Really sorry all, but i've missed so much, and will just try to keep up from now, if i've missed anything really important please don't take it personally. hugs to all.

Who's on 2ww then? izz and velvet?

Hello

Velvet sorry you are having such a difficult time.

Chloe, what an unfeeling friend, partic when she had been on the TTC rollercoaster too, no wonder you were gutted.
(Someone did that to me in June 09, I have only spoken to them when I've really had to since. I know that's mean but it's the only way I could cope without literally going apesh*t at her for being so mean)

About the MN thing - a tough call - hang onto what owl says about being able to use this as and when you need it.

The link I posted on the mc boards has the stuff that might help OH's on it.
www.miscarriagesupport.org.nz/
the sections on grief and support really helped my OH to understand the position I was in and how it differed and was going to differ from his for a while, and that neither of our reactions were right or wrong.

The site really seems to offer some good advice about the psychological stress of coping with mc and ttc afterwards. Hope it can be of use to you - and apologies if you've already found through endless googling.

mouse thinking of you today

oh.. why is that all bold then?! doh

:)

Chloe I'd have cried too - you shouldn't feel at all bad about it. The important thing to remember about MN and us lot is that you can dip in and out as you wish - take a week out, take a month out, delete yourself for a bit (I did that) - it'll still be here if you need it and you can always come back :) I think a lot of us have been through that need to try and stop thinking about ttc and it's so easy to become fixated with it.

I also think it's very hard for husbands/partners to understand how mc can affect you in so many ways and for so long after the event. I don't think I was myself for months afterwards, didn't really get a grip until we went on hols 5 months later then started to feel human and normal again.

Hope you're okay xx

How are you doing?

You mentioned on that thread your dh looked at the mens threads. I had no idea there was such a thing but have looked and found them. There are quite varied posts was there one specifically om mc?

Chloe I am so sorry. I am sure your friend was excited and meant no harm but really?what is wrong with some people?? I am not surprised you recated how you did, what a shock. If it makes you feel any better don?t think I would have been able to hold back the tears either.

I also think I understand what you mean about mn. I?ve only been on the boards for about 5 weeks but do sometimes I wonder if its healthy or not although I know I don?t feel I?d have gotten through the past 6 weeks without everyone on here. I have asked myself if staying on is making it harder to move on because I?m always thinking about either my loss or ttc again, rather than trying to get back to a ?normal life?. I think I also use these threads to talk about how I am feeling which means I don?t then talk to DH. We had a horrible weekend just arguing, but then had a really good talk yesterday morning and I told him everything. He said he just didn?t know what was going through my head so was finding it hard. I guess I didn?t realise I wasn?t talking to him.

I know I still need these threads to help me get through whats to come, but I?ve realise I need to talk my my DH more too. I?ve been on the thread less over the weekend, just popping on once a day, and I?ve found that was good.

Maybe it would help to stay on the thread but try to come on less often, maybe just 2 or 3 times a week?or less. The breaks might help you take your mind of it a little?

Like AandR said though, do whats right for you, not to pelase everybody else.

((big virtual hug))

Velvet sorry about your fight with DH. I hope you have managed to talk about it once he sobbered up and he is adequatley grovelling and making it right.

velvet how horrible to have the person you most need support from being such a dick! Given that you are such a lovely person I can't imagine this is normal behaviour for him - any idea what has set him off?

All a bit manic in this direction. There is so much I should be doing on all fronts and I seem to be frozen ... I just want to wallow in the 2ww!

Sorry for the ginormous post! I suppose the brief summary is I get it and I think plenty on here have taken a break and even if you do decide to leave the thread (which would be sad for us) just make sure you have an alternative. Big hugs.

Hi Chloe I completely get what you are saying and have had my DH, DMum and DSis all ask me whether mn is keeping me' from moving on etc etc and I have had a very long think about it all. First thing I chant to myself - something DMum has often said to all of us - 'It is a phase' - horrible, heart rending, soul denting but a phase and at some point I will emerge, changed but ultimately ready to move on ( I think I am slowly getting there at the moment about 6 months on). Don't try and force yourself out of this phase just to please others - it doesn't work and it often stores up problems for a later date. The second thing I think of is something we were shown during my coaching training. It is a picture of a house with four rooms - contentment, despair, ambition/success, anger (or something like that) . You would think the aim would be to be in the ambition/success or the contentment room all the time but actually it is important to keep moving through all the rooms as there are pitfalls associated with each room if you stay too long (burn out for success, doing nothing - not moving forward for contentment, pit of gloom for despair etc). The point I take from this is that it is okay to be intensely sad sometimes, to be bouncing back and forth between the angry room and the despair room - I obviously need to do something in those rooms and if I fall into the pit of gloom, I will certainly need someone to help me get out. I have worried about a bit of me missing as well but I think I am certainly more compassionate now than I was and I guess the aim isn't to make it through perfectly in tact but rather to take on board all our bumps and bruises and missing pieces and let them become part of who we are. Whatever you do don't close the door on the despair room - whether you release it in here, or with a counsellor or with good friends and family (who can listen without trying to 'fix' you)

Just sneaking in to give (((hugs))) to Chloe I agree with loola that was a little insensitive of her, no wonder you were upset

and Velvet (((hugs))) too, sorry you're having a tough time

Oh Chloe. That is shit shit shit. My feeling on this mn stuff is that it is really helpful and supportive and wonderful, up to a point. Sounds like you both want you back. I know it's hard though. After my first mc, almost every time my period arrived (16 of the bastards between 1st and 2nd pregnancy) I cried. I started seeing a councillor about half way through last year, and still see her every second week. Think it makes quite a bit of a difference.

And this time after the latest mc, am in a different place. Am not so caught up in my own body and drama this time round. There's something pretty hellish going on in my life, which is distracting me somewhat. However even without that, I don't know. Am feeling different now. Not as stuck. I think mn has helped me let go of some of that, and the councillor some too. Am not on here that often, and lurk more than post, but I do get a lot of reassurance from the kindness of all you ladies. I hope your OH can understand that somewhat.

Chloe I was just having a quick lurk before bed and found your message, does your friend know about MC? Even if she doesn't she knows that you've been having FT... I think she was being completely insensitive!!! I know shes excited but still! she could have broken it to you slightly less 'full on' especially since she was at the stage of commencing FT herself, surely she has experienced the heartache to a certain extent?! I hope you are ok, and not dwelling on it too much. I haven't really got any advice but didn't want to leave your post unanswered x

Hiya ladies,

Orange - I knew I wasn't the only one!

Collie - yes your dream def beats mine in the weird stakes

I have to be fairly quick in my post so apologies to others I haven't mentioned and hope eveyone is doing ok.

No, still not POAS yet, just don't feel pg at all anymore though so pretty sure I am not. I have to test before CD35 as need to start provera then if am not. Saw a good friend on Fri night who was meant to be starting Clomid around the same time as me. I noticed she wasn't drinking over xmas and New Year and was kinda waiting for the announcement. I have asked her a couple of times if she has started the meds yet and she always had a reason why she hadn't. She left her ultrasound scan under my serviette when I left the table briefly to go to the toilet to surprise me when I came back to the table. I burst into tears when I saw it and felt a bit bad. I am really happy for her but also so that it wasn't my scan of my healthy baby. It didn't help the pic was a 9mk foetus so looked identical to the last pic I saw of my baby alive

Anyway, I knew it would affect me, I kinda knew it was coming to be honest but I completely fell to pieces when dh and I came home that night. He said I had become distant and he didn't know how to talk to me or what I was thinking anymore and that I spent too much time on here and it wasn't healthy. I tried to explain that I found comfort in 'talking' to people who had gone through what I have but part of me wonders whether he might be right. My whole life at the moment seems to revolve around making a baby and when each month it doesn't happen I go back 5 paces.

I explained I was considering seeing a counsellor but he is very black and white and doesn't believe in outside help I told him that I didn't know what else to do, I hated the way I feel all the time and can't get out of this rut, I even threw a cup at the wall in frustration at my feelings, yes the one I have just painted so what harm could it cause to give something a try? He agreed anything was worth a try if it meant he could get his wife back

I haven't decided whether to leave this thread or not yet. I have found you guys such support yet I don't know whether it is distancing me to my dh. I have asked him to read this thread so he can see we don't wallow in self-pity and encourage feelings of despair (which I am sure he thinks we do) but he said he isn't interested

Sorry for the long me me me post but I just wanted to explain my situation if I do decide leaving would be the best option.

Good luck mouse - my school called me the week of my erpc to see if I could go in coz we had ofsted!! I think it is going to be an "is there anything we can do" meeting especially since it's your first day back xx I also have a piece of me missing so I know what you mean.

Helooo loola I also am semi- SMEPing and ovd early but only by 1 day. Fx for us all!!

Have been recovering from last night and dh has been a right dick about it. He went out drinking this afternoon and has said some pretty nasty things now he is home :(

Hi to everyone else. Hope you all have a good Monday tomorrow

mouse you still are an outstanding teacher. Given your flying colours last year they are probably just hoping to check in with you to see about how to help you - see I'm channelling your positivity - thanks for sharing that around . FX, I'll be thinking of you tomorrow. ((hugs))

And i totally agree about the m/c feeling like a piece of you has gone

Thanks for adding me to the stats mummya still getting my head round the acronyms and think my UCL is always going to be WTF.

Mouse good luck tomorrow, lovely xx

Hils if you're not sure about going back might be best to get signed off for a little bit longer - you may also find going back so soon more physically tiring than you were expecting (I certainly did). I told my office I had man flu :)

Wow, thanks so much everyone. You really have been amazing to support me through this during your own sadness and worries.

I'm usually such a happy, positive person but I feel like the miscarriages have taken a piece of me away with them.

I am an outstanding teacher (well I was!) and passed my performance management targets with flying colours at the end of last year which enabled me to move onto the next threshold of pay. I cannont believe that they now have such concern for my work that they can justify any of this. It's tantamount to harrassment after what I've been through I'm going through.

I really hope it is a back to work, how are you getting on chat - I'm officially back tomorrow.

I'll let you know how it goes and really, truely, thank you all so much xxx

Hi all,

Just a quickie- yes I know all of my posts are atm! I will try harder - promise!

I am sort of SMEPping this cycle - I don't use OVsticks so I was going for every other day until normal ov time and then going everyday however FF unexpectedly produced crosshairs on CD10 I normally ov around cd23 so I am However the cycle I conceived (but then MC)I must have oved on CD9 by the dates- all very strange! BD wasn't really well timed though - BD'd on CD10 and very early hours of CD8 (incidently would this be classed as bd cd7 or 8?)So I'm not holding out much hope! FF class this as a good effort though?!

wombat hugs for you lovely, as A&R said it seems very common. FX for you- are you getting a scan? xx

Mouse I can't believe how they are treaing you! Keep your chin up tomorrow!

Zam FX you can seduce him tonight

Hope everyone is well, I had a little tear reading about Amanda Holden this am, poor soul

Hi mouse I justed wanted to post to say good luck tomorrow with your meeting. In all honesty I can't understand why they need to meet you right now and I'd have been tempted to decline, but it's not always that easy I know. I agree with the others, give them the leaflet and be strong and don't be bullied into returning to work. I had a quick chat with my hr friend who says she's a bit rusty in this but also can't understand why they need to see you so urgently and while you have sick note. She did suggest it might be a positive thing they are trying to do, to make sure there is nothing at work preventing your return or to see if there is anything they can do to help you come back when ready. Aparently they are required to 'risk assess' your return to work, but she agreed now is not really the time. You never know??!! Do you have a sick note for this week? If so she reiterated not to be bullied into going back too early and to just be a broken recorded stating your still not fit to go back to work but that next time you see your doc you'll discuss it. At the end of the day if your gp thought you could go back to work they'd have written you a fit note, stating what you could do.

She gave me the number of ACAS who offer good independent free employment advice if you haven't got a union rep to talk to. Just in case. 08457 474747

She also suggested getting a copy of your employers sickness absence and return to work policy and procedure. If you feel unhappy with the meeting I'd ask for this to see if they are following the required process.

Good luck Hun, I hope it goes well. Remember be strong! Let us know how it goes. Xx

Hey biscuit i was thinking about you yesterday, thinking i hadn't seen your name for a while. i hope you're ok. The thread has slowed down a lot lately.

aandr enjoy the champers.