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Conception

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Original poster

Really upset :(

32 replies

Cheeser · 29/12/2010 14:22

Hi everyone

Not sure why I'm writing this but wanted to 'talk' to people who I don't know in real life.

My DP and I have been together 6 years and are very much in love. We have talked about getting married and having children and its very much something I want, he is more cautious but wants to do it eventually. He's always said we'll discuss seriously having children when our financial situation is stable. It is now.

I came off my pill three months ago on doctors orders (breakthrough bleeding) so we've been using condoms if we have sex (which to be honest wasn't very often as we've had an extraordinarily busy few months). Three weeks ago things got a bit steamy in the bathroom and we started having sex without a condom - his move. I pulled away after a few mins saying that we should be more careful. Then two weeks ago he came home from a night out and asked me if I wanted to try for a baby, saying that that's what he wanted, and it was why in the bathroom that time he hadn't wanted to use a condom. So I said yes, and he wanted to do it right then and there. So we did, and have done it about 3 times since then unprotected.

Then last night we had another chat and he said that actually he was drunk that night (he didn't sound drunk, he was able to come and he usually can't or takes ages if he's drunk, I also ASKED him if he was drunk after he said he wanted to try for a baby and he said no.) and he doesn't think he's ready after all.

I am so upset. I was over the moon when he asked me if I wanted to try. Who gets drunk and tells their girlfriend they want to have a baby if they actually don't?

It's worth mentioning that we are financially secure, we own our own home, both have good jobs, I would get a good maternity package (which I researched last week FFS)

I am just so upset about it. He knows I'd love to have a child. He said he's scared of making the decision to go for it in case he regrets it and life changes for the worse.

What if I am already pregnant?! Now I am worrying that if I am, he won't be happy. He said that if that happens he'll deal with it. I'm just really sad. He said that he definitely does want children but not yet, he doesn't feel we've lived enough. We live in a city and haven't had much money to enjoy it properly, now we're in a much better situation and he wants to make the most of our life at the moment. He also has this idea he wants to live abroad but it's not feasible because he has an elderly, increasingly frail mother who he doesn't want to leave, and I also have family ties in this country.

I understand where he's coming from, I just feel so cheated. Has anyone else's DP done this? I know he's not ruled it out but it's the reneging on what he said. I even started taking folic acid Sad. We're still relatively young, I'm 28 and he's 29. He's always said he'll be ready when he's 30, which he would be if I got pregnant now.

I'm really angry with him but he's saying he just wants to enjoy life how it is at the moment. We have a mortgage together and often talk about our next house move and where we'll live when we're older etc so I don't doubt he's committed. I've namechanged as I think someone IRL knows who I am on here and I'm embarrassed. Has anyone had a similar experience and everything worked out ok?

OP posts:
minipie · 29/12/2010 16:38

Cheeser, I do empathise with you - especially when you say "It's just so frustrating that my want for children is not logical (mainly hormonal) while his reasons for waiting are all logical and practical."

I am exactly the same way - I am used to justifying my actions logically not emotionally - and I find it very hard to say "Why do I want a child? Well I just DO, ok?"

But, actually, no-one has children for logical practical reasons. Everyone (including men) has them for emotional reasons. And everyone (or almost) is scared they will regret it (but almost nobody does).

It sounds as if he does want children (so agrees with the "emotional" reasons for having them) but his fear says "not yet". My DH is a bit like this. I think you need to ask him why waiting will help. Will he really feel any less scared if he has a year of partying first? Or is it just general scaredness about having a child, in which case it will be just the same in a year? If it's scaredness, reassure him that that is totally normal and everyone feels like that.

Also, this sounds daft, but I'm not sure all men really register that it takes time to conceive and grow a baby - some seem to think if they agree to it, there is suddenly a child tomorrow. Worth reminding him that you wouldn't actually have a baby until next autumn at the very earliest, so there would still be time to have at least 9 months of coupley fun first.

Anyway, good luck. I don't think you have to "just wait", I think it's worth speaking to your DH to get him to analyse why he wants to wait and whether it's really something that will change with more time (like wanting to do a specific thing first) or whether it's something that will always be there and he just needs to accept or get past (like fear of his life changing).

Original poster
Cheeser · 29/12/2010 16:21

I have always wanted children - when I imagined my life at say 40 I always hoped/assumed/dreamed that I'd have at least one child, and I've always made this known. He has always been very driven by his work and tbh not really thought too much about children, but now does say that he would definitely like to have a family.

About a year ago my family kept on saying 'when you have children' etc etc and mum was putting pressure on for grandchildren which I think scared him as he asked me to ask them not to keep bringing it up, that when we decided to do it, it would be our decision, not that of anyone else. He said that we would really properly discuss it when we got into credit (we've been paying back a lot of debt for the last three years, and it's finally cleared and we're getting in front). We haven't properly spoken about it, since then, until the last few weeks. Sorry, that probably doesn't make much sense in terms of timings.

So basically it's always been a serious thing for me, I've just stifled it down because I knew that DP wasn't ready and the situation wasn't right. But now it is right, and he's still got cold feet. I have no other choice but to wait, have I.

OP posts:
AmandaCooper · 29/12/2010 16:02

I think from the woman's point of view as well you almost don't want to overthink it, otherwise you can get hung up on fears of pregnancy and childbirth. Dwelling on it month after month isn't that helpful.

How long has this been a serious thing for you and how long have you been discussing it with DP?

Original poster
Cheeser · 29/12/2010 15:10

Thanks Amanda that's helpful and reassuring. I still get the wobbles thinking about it as it's such a huge thing, I agree. And I suppose it's a good thing that he's taking it so seriously. I just wish that sometimes he'd just go with his heart and take a chance on something that wasn't thought out to the nth degree.

And you're right, the way that we can discuss it is good. Just doesn't make it any easier. He doesn't understand the yearning I have. He said he's not excited about the idea about becoming a parent, but he does think that when it happens he will be excited because it'll be real, whereas at the moment it's just an idea.

I do feel very lucky to have him and we have a fantastic relationship in every other way, I will try and be more patient. It's just so frustrating that my want for children is not logical (mainly hormonal) while his reasons for waiting are all logical and practical.

OP posts:
AmandaCooper · 29/12/2010 14:52

DH and I can very much identify with your DP. We both feel very confident about ttc when we're caught up in the moment and it's all romantic and lovely, but then we wake up in the morning in the cold light of day and think oh my god what about money, work, time, the fact we haven't been on a strict organic diet for the last three years, etc and we panic. I've even taken the MAP twice.

I can understand your anger as I've felt it myself - but if everything else in your relationship is good, try to be sympathetic and patient. This is after all a colossal, monumental, life changing decision for you both. On the plus side, it sounds like you're able to discuss it and that communication between you is good.

If you're already pg, our view, based on our own feelings, is that it may come as something of a relief.

Original poster
Cheeser · 29/12/2010 14:42

Yes I think you're right. His relationship with his own dad is very bad so I don't think that helps either.

OP posts:
SantasMadMissy · 29/12/2010 14:24

It sounds as though he is very nervous about being a father?