Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Unflip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Conception

When's the best time to get pregnant? Use our interactive ovulation calculator to work out when you're most fertile and most likely to conceive.

Unflip

1 2

Original poster

Really upset :(

32 replies

Cheeser · 29/12/2010 14:22

Hi everyone

Not sure why I'm writing this but wanted to 'talk' to people who I don't know in real life.

My DP and I have been together 6 years and are very much in love. We have talked about getting married and having children and its very much something I want, he is more cautious but wants to do it eventually. He's always said we'll discuss seriously having children when our financial situation is stable. It is now.

I came off my pill three months ago on doctors orders (breakthrough bleeding) so we've been using condoms if we have sex (which to be honest wasn't very often as we've had an extraordinarily busy few months). Three weeks ago things got a bit steamy in the bathroom and we started having sex without a condom - his move. I pulled away after a few mins saying that we should be more careful. Then two weeks ago he came home from a night out and asked me if I wanted to try for a baby, saying that that's what he wanted, and it was why in the bathroom that time he hadn't wanted to use a condom. So I said yes, and he wanted to do it right then and there. So we did, and have done it about 3 times since then unprotected.

Then last night we had another chat and he said that actually he was drunk that night (he didn't sound drunk, he was able to come and he usually can't or takes ages if he's drunk, I also ASKED him if he was drunk after he said he wanted to try for a baby and he said no.) and he doesn't think he's ready after all.

I am so upset. I was over the moon when he asked me if I wanted to try. Who gets drunk and tells their girlfriend they want to have a baby if they actually don't?

It's worth mentioning that we are financially secure, we own our own home, both have good jobs, I would get a good maternity package (which I researched last week FFS)

I am just so upset about it. He knows I'd love to have a child. He said he's scared of making the decision to go for it in case he regrets it and life changes for the worse.

What if I am already pregnant?! Now I am worrying that if I am, he won't be happy. He said that if that happens he'll deal with it. I'm just really sad. He said that he definitely does want children but not yet, he doesn't feel we've lived enough. We live in a city and haven't had much money to enjoy it properly, now we're in a much better situation and he wants to make the most of our life at the moment. He also has this idea he wants to live abroad but it's not feasible because he has an elderly, increasingly frail mother who he doesn't want to leave, and I also have family ties in this country.

I understand where he's coming from, I just feel so cheated. Has anyone else's DP done this? I know he's not ruled it out but it's the reneging on what he said. I even started taking folic acid . We're still relatively young, I'm 28 and he's 29. He's always said he'll be ready when he's 30, which he would be if I got pregnant now.

I'm really angry with him but he's saying he just wants to enjoy life how it is at the moment. We have a mortgage together and often talk about our next house move and where we'll live when we're older etc so I don't doubt he's committed. I've namechanged as I think someone IRL knows who I am on here and I'm embarrassed. Has anyone had a similar experience and everything worked out ok?

OP posts:

Original poster

Cheeser · 11/01/2011 13:43

hi shouldnotbehere! That book is really good. I bought it last year when I was planning to use Natural Family Planning as contraception. I will be 29 next year, and DP will be 30. Good luck when your time comes! He might change his mind and decide he wants to try earlier, you never know.

It's def a good idea to plan ahead though, no harm in getting your body in prime condition. Hope it all goes well

OP posts:

shouldnotbehere · 11/01/2011 13:35

Ooooh Cheeser I'm jealous.

DH and I have agreed to start trying January 2012. It was originally May 2011, and I logged on hear all excited to get some advice, but has been put back to 2012.

I am not letting him back out this time, as he will be 34 and I will be 29 when we have our first child.

Left up to me and we would have been trying in 2009 (straight after we were married).

I thought I would start planning ahead, from about October this year onwards with folic acid, zinc tablets for him, reducing alcohol and caffeine, and have just ordered a book on Amazon called Taking Charge of Your Fertility.

Original poster

Cheeser · 11/01/2011 13:18

hi everyone - thought I'd give a quick update.

About a week ago DP went back on his u-turn, and is now full steam behind TTC. He is even saying things like 'lets go and make a baby'. And a whole afternoon on Saturday with my cousin's one year old - and twelve other littlies - hasn't put him off. So it's all back on.

Period is due on 16th Jan so just hoping it doesn't arrive

Thanks everyone for your advice and sharing your stories. x

OP posts:

hippychick66 · 03/01/2011 23:51

simmylou your Dh's sperm must be super-duper

I got really confused when I read your post - How can she get pregnant 4 times in one month ??? Then I realised what you meant.

Good luck with this pregnancy. I had 2 MC's last year and I know how hard they are - hope this pregnancy goes well for you.

Simmylou · 03/01/2011 22:38

Found this thread late but wanted to add that should he wobble again, you could offer to make an agreement that you won't TTC for another 6 months and then start after that. In fact I would insist on it because I think your DH needs more thinking time to come to terms with it in his own way/time/space and also I don't think it's fair on either of you (particularly you) if the wobbles continue as it's if you are having to cajole him into it.

I know the idea of becoming a parent takes a lot of getting used to but he should definitely continue to go forwards not backwards with his feelings. If he has wobbles again you should really listen to him and be prepared to believe him instead of coming up with reasons why it could/should be such a good idea. When you do eventually become pg you really want the man in your life to be a) expecting it, b) looking forward to it and c) absolutely delighted.

When I got pg even though it was all planned, I was then the one with the wobbles (maybe it's the hormones!) and would lie in bed at night saying "what have we done, I can't believe I'm pg, have we done the right thing" etc, and I really needed him to be heartily reassuring me that of course it was the right thing, it was all going to be amazing, we had looked forward to getting a BFP etc etc. He was 100% fine and happy with it which was very reassuring. (it did/has turned out brilliantly and he is the most fabulous dad. not so good around the house but you can't have everything )

PS I was 32 and had also never been pregnant, despite more than a few accidents and a period of around 6 months as a student (with a serious boyfriend) when I ran out of the pill and couldn't be bothered to get any more, nor were we using condoms. Also had a 2nd serious boyfriend in my late 20's for 3 years and was extremely lax with contraception then too, taking the pill as and when I remembered which wasn't that often. I think I thought I couldn't get pg easily if at all so I hardly bothered. I went on to conceive four times in the first month of trying with my DH (have had one DD, 2 miscarriages and am currently pg). Bear in mind you could be pg sooner than you think! All the best x

hippychick66 · 03/01/2011 22:05

cheeser glad things are sorting themsleves out. I think that is very telling and shows that he is less scared etc. Yes your lives will change and you wont have money, holidays etc for a while - but you really wont mind - I promise .

All the best to you all. XXX

AmandaCooper · 03/01/2011 19:59

Wow that actually was a lot of information! That all sounds very promising! How has he been since?

Original poster

Cheeser · 03/01/2011 11:07

Hi hippychick - thanks, hearing your story is really helpful. Nice to hear that your DH thinks it's the best decision he never made, I like that.

Things have progressed somewhat here. The vomiting I had turned out to be a virus, from which I'm recovered now. But we've since had another chat and he asked what I thought we should do. And I said that I think we should just continue not using contraception and see what happens. If I get pregnant, we can cope with it and in terms of my job especially now is a very good time. If I don't, that's also fine, and gives us a bit longer to make a bit more money, enjoy life for the time being, and get our house move over with etc. His only reservations are money and worrying we'll lose our lifestyle, he reiterated that he definitely does want children and wants them with me. The fears over losing money and lifestyle will always be there, I said, and I shared that. But all in all, no one is ever really fully prepared for a baby and we are in a much, much better position that most people our age. I told him that I'm 28 and have never ever been pregnant and I didn't think it would happen really quickly, plus we don't have sex very often so the chances of it happening in even a few months are very remote. We've had a few missed pills over the years (my fault entirely) and never once have we had a pregnancy. So he said he would have a think and changed the subject.

Then two days ago (on CD15) we had sex - without contraception, completely at his initiation. I think he just doesn't want to consciously make the decision, but is actually quite happy for it to happen. This may be TMI but this is the conception board so what the hell, the last 5 or 6 times we've had sex he's never 'finished' inside me, we've worked around it. Mostly because it takes him quite a long time and usually I've had enough by that point . But the most recent time, he knew it was coming and decided to come inside me. Sorry for the detail. But I think it's important - we usually don't do that for one reason or another and he chose to. I think that says a lot? But I'm fully aware we haven't actually formally agreed on this. But sometimes actions speak louder than words. He wasn't drunk, knew exactly what he was doing. Looked right into my eyes.

So who knows.

OP posts:

AmandaCooper · 01/01/2011 21:51

Hippychick that is helpful.

hippychick66 · 01/01/2011 14:40

I've just realised that I had only read the original post before i ploughed in and put my message - so sorry if it clashes with stuff others have said - just leapt in!

hippychick66 · 01/01/2011 14:39

I know everyones situation is different so cannot compare mine at all but just wanted you to know that he just sounds very scared.

My situation:- My DH said yes he was ready, so i came off the pill, then he said he wasn't ready after all. HOWEVER, i thought that i would go with his first answer, so i did not go BACK on the pill. I fell pregnant and he was absolutely fine - we have 2 DSs and my hubbie always says having children was the best decision he NEVER made. He wishes we'd started earlier so we could have had more. i think he would have dithered back and forth forever.

I'm not saying trap him - because that would be wrong. All I'm saying is maybe he is just finding it hard to fully commit to the idea. In my hubbie's case there was a whole bunch of stuff from his childhood that was causing an emotional barrier. And it has been a long road to work through that.

DH is so pleased that i took his first answer and ignored his wobble. BUT as I say, I am not suggesting you should just try without your BFs agreement.

Try to talk to him about what his reservations are. You are still very young and have lots of time, but i do remember the moment when my DH did an about-turn and said maybe we shouldn't do it after all - and it was heartbreaking.

Sending you lots of love at this stressful time, my love.
x

AmandaCooper · 30/12/2010 23:13

Thanks minipie, hopefully we will all conquer our fear of this before we erm retire! Not long till May you know!

minipie · 30/12/2010 17:56

just popping back on here briefly to wish AC good luck with her TTC (hoping you get a BFP in there before your DH's feet turn icy again)

and good luck to Cheeser with her chat with DH of course. I have no idea whether you may be pg or not but hope you get your DH to be less scared (or at least recognise that everyone gets scared) either way.

AmandaCooper · 30/12/2010 12:21

waiting to ttc threads

AmandaCooper · 30/12/2010 12:20

If you can stomach it (I imagine they're quite boring!) read back some of the waiting to ttc to see how far my DH has come in the last year or so. When we started out talking about ttc he said he'd rather kill himself than have a baby.

AmandaCooper · 30/12/2010 12:15

Well it wouldn't be impossible to get pg on CD 8 but it's quite unlikely. And it's also quite unlikely that you'd have symptoms so soon. So don't worry.

Original poster

Cheeser · 30/12/2010 09:41

We didn't have a chat last night, thought I'd leave it for a few days.

This morning I am feeling very nauseous and couldn't stomach my cup of tea. Is it too early for symptoms? Am on CD15. We last had sex a week ago, and then a week before that, just after period. Or am I imagining things. I definitely feel very queasy. And it's very, very odd for me not to stomach morning tea.

OP posts:

Original poster

Cheeser · 30/12/2010 09:01

Oh and meant to say thanks minipie and amanda, and expat, for your input. Good to know I'm not alone. And good luck with your respective TTC.

OP posts:

Original poster

Cheeser · 29/12/2010 19:40

minipie I suppose put like that isn't too bad - with the 5 months before we TTC allowing 4 months to get pregnant. I can live with that. I just don't want it to get to the time and then him to back out again. But that does make it sound like a compromise, could be a good way to get him on board.

expat - he would never cajole me into an abortion, he said last night that if I was pregnant already then it would be fine and he'd get on with it, but it wouldn't be ideal. Definitely no abortions here. Expat how long did you 'give' your exH re the no children issue? Did you know he felt that strongly when you married him? Has he later changed his mind/has children of his own? Hope you don't mind me asking

OP posts:

AmandaCooper · 29/12/2010 18:26

Minipie I am SO nervous about this month. I feel that the agreement we've got to ttc is so fragile! I'm ramping everything up on the sly to maximise my chances in the hope that he'll actually do it and it's looking promising! Today's CD5 so it's almost D day. I could do with a bfp first month before either of us change our silly minds!

expatinscotland · 29/12/2010 18:22

I divorced my husband, we split when I was 28, because he didn't want children, so I'm pretty useless when it comes to advice.

But if you're pregnant now, please don't let him cajole you into an abortion because he changed his mind.

minipie · 29/12/2010 18:17

Hi AC, how's things. as you can probably tell I'm still having the when to TTC debate with my DH (I am still saying May, he is saying "maybe" ). Glad to hear you are moving forward with your DH - I don't think the increasingly careless thing would work for me (too much of a control freak) but can see it would work if you both want to in theory but can't quite persuade yourselves to take the leap.

Cheeser - him agreeing to a baby in 18 months (and therefore starting to TTC in, let's say, 5 months, allowing 4 months for you to get pg) doesn't sound like a bad position to be in. Could you live with waiting 5 months to start to TTC? Look on it as a last opportunity to drink all the cocktails you want, get yourself in great health pre-pregnancy, do all the conception research, etc? Sounds like he's come a fair way - could you meet him in the middle?

AmandaCooper · 29/12/2010 18:06

I don't think it was horrible of him. A bit insensitive maybe, but it's not like he feels this way on purpose, or set this all up. And you wouldn't want him to bottle these feelings up and not tell you about them.

While minipie's advice about using condoms is good (hi minipie by the way) I think there's a large number of couples who move towards parenthood by being increasingly more careless about contraception until it just happens. This might work for your DP. I honestly think that after over a year of this with DH we are nearly there.

Original poster

Cheeser · 29/12/2010 17:01

Thanks minipie. He did acknowledge that to wait a year wouldn't change much, I asked him that q last night. He said that if he could agree to it now, and it happen in 18 months, he would definitely say yes. I think he's just worried that if we go ahead now, we could have a baby in 9 months. I've pointed out that it's unlikely to happen straight away. But maybe you're right - maybe we need to have another chat where he explains what exactly he thinks will happen if we wait another year.

We were half thinking of moving next year too, maybe he's just anxious of changing too many things at once.

Have to admit that I can't remember how we left it - I was quite upset and we were in a restaurant so not exactly the best place.

I also think it's horrible to agree to TTC then take it back, cruel even. Especially as he knows how much I want to. But I do think he's confused.

I don't think it's that he desperately wants to do something first, I think he's just scared of his life changing. We do have a good life at the moment, enough money to go out for dinner when we want, can go to museums exhibitions or whatever when we want, we are quite free. I think he's scared he'll be drastically cutting off his options. I'm under no illusions and I'm sure that having a baby will make some things much harder, but I also think it will improve our lives overall and we'll be able to give a nice little life to a little person who will be loved to the moon and back.

I think we need to have another chat tonight.

OP posts:

minipie · 29/12/2010 16:43

By the way, I think it's pretty horrid of your DP to have said he wanted to TTC and then taken it back blaming drunkenness, though to give him the benefit of the doubt he may well be quite confused right now. It suggests his heart and his head are having a bit of a battle.

Anyway, you want TTC to be a genuinely mutual decision so do make sure you use a condom until there has been a calm, agreed decision not to (not a decision made in the throes of passion IYSWIM).

Unflip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread