Clearblue Fertility Monitor Support Group Buddies Vol 5!!

I did two tesco pregnancy tests today with the pink dye because I read the blue ones can bleed and give false positives. They were both BFNs. The tiny amount of brown when I wiped has gone completely now. I just want to know what's going on! Tried to see my GP but my dumb ass surgery only takes bookings on the day and never answer their phones in the morning so by the time I get through she'd booked up.

Thanks for update keziah i'm on CD 33 today and no AF as yet, had spotting yesterday morning but nothing since and temps still high so hoping but getting BFNs and now DPO 15 so am thinking it's unlikely .

I have been using internet cheapies to test, has anyone else used them? I've read mixed reviews about their reliability (DH thinks i'm looking for a reason to buy different brands of tests as i don't like them showing me BFNs )

Good luck muminwaiting hope a BFP comes along.

stormbird lurks in the shadows!!!

Fingers crossed amuminwaiting and good luck with your scan keziah

Things going ok with the injections... and I think having a month off ttc normally is also a hugh relief, as it has been so stressful with dh that due to injections I feel that I have got a legitimate break (well it has been 30mths of intense ttc!!)... scan on Thursday, 8am!! - then I hope to have a thin womb lining and no follicles.

In School

Twowoulddo TTC#2, Cycle #6, CBFM cycle 1?, Aged 31, UCL 31, CD96
Rosieposey TTC#5, Cycle #12, CBFM Cycle 6, age 38, UCL 29-35, CD88
Missyraines TTC#1, Cycle #14, CBFM Cycle 9, age 33, UCL 32, CD77
CrazyAlien TTC#1, Cycle #6 CBFM Cycle 2 age 28 UCL 31-35??! CD70
Arabella36 TTC#2, Cycle #1, CBFM Cycle 4, Age34, UCL29, CD65
Roastie TTC#1, Cycle #23, CBFM Cycle 2, age 32, UCL 29, CD56
Fr00tbat TTC#1, Cycle 7, CBFM Cycle 3, age 32, UCL 30-38 (av 34), CD54
Ses TTC#2, cycle #6, CBFM cycle 8, age 37, UCL 28-30, CD41
TinaO99 TTC#2, Cycle#2, CBFM Cycle 2, age 42, UCL 28, CD49
wantbaby TTC#1, Cycle #12, CBFM cycle 6, age 38, UCL 28, CD39
aMuminwaiting, CD37
ZebedeetheZebra TTC#2, Cycle#8, CBFM Cycle#8 age 44, CD35
Loup23 TTC#1, Cycle #6, CBFM Cycle 2, age 31, UCL 33-38, CD32
KnackeredCow TTC#1, Cycle #17, CBFM Cycle 6, age 32, UCL 28-30, CD32
Littlefan TTC#1, Cycle 12, CBFM cycle 5 , age 32, UCL 32-38, CD17
SlightlyBabyCrazed, TTC#1, Cycle #25, CBFM cycle 3, age 35, UCL 28-31, CD7
Tilly TTC#1, 3years, CBFM cycle 10, age 36, UCL 28-34, CD7
Keziah TTC#1, Cycle #31, CBFM Cycle 19, age 35, ucl 28-31, CD5

Graduates

Emmylou30 BFP 22/10/10
MissLolita BFP 30/10/20
Notnearly BFP 6/11/10
StormBird BFP 10/11/10
AnytimeNow BFP 20/11/10
IloveKittyElise BFP 30/12/10
Boba BFP 07/01/11
Chocciechip BFP 11/01/11
Clockspotter BFP ??/02/11

Fingers crossed for you aMuminwaiting.

The problem with the symptom spotting, is unless you have been some kind of hawk eye before TTC then some of the symptoms have probably always been there, just you never look at the wipings etc! (TMI!)

FX x

I'm on CD37 (thought I was a few days ahead of that but double checked the monitor today). I had another tiny bit of very watery brown today. I did a HCG test and the faintest of lines started going up to make a cross (clearblue test). So faint that I had to drag my DH to the window and get him to hold his head at a funny angle! He did see it though after first dismissing me as mad. He thinks its probably an evaporation line.

I'm going to wait a couple more days and try again if my AF doesn't show up. I keep thinking back to my other pregnancies and the first time I recall thinking my period was going to show for ages because I had spotting and light brown when I wiped but it never did. And my stomach was bloating and I had AF type cramps. So my fingers are going to be very much crossed!

Keziah Many apologies, I forgot to update my stats! I'm on CD 7.

Amuminwaiting When my CFM didn't show Peak then my period was late by about 5 days although I had spotting before this. AF did arrive though and 'flow' was normal. What CD are you on now? Sorry to be of little help - hopefully the others will know more.

Tilly xx

According to CBFM I didn't ovulate this month although all the signs were there. The M symbol started flashing four days ago and so far all I've had is two days with a very light brown when I wiped and a couple of days with a few tiny specks of blood in the mucus. Plus a couple of days of specks around the time I should have ovulated and when implantation should have happened. No period. Two BFNs.
If the monitors right and I didn't ovulate then is this my period? I've never had this happen before and I've NEVER had a light period so don't know what to expect. Help!

In School

Twowoulddo TTC#2, Cycle #6, CBFM cycle 1?, Aged 31, UCL 31, CD95
Rosieposey TTC#5, Cycle #12, CBFM Cycle 6, age 38, UCL 29-35, CD87
Missyraines TTC#1, Cycle #14, CBFM Cycle 9, age 33, UCL 32, CD76
CrazyAlien TTC#1, Cycle #6 CBFM Cycle 2 age 28 UCL 31-35??! CD69
Arabella36 TTC#2, Cycle #1, CBFM Cycle 4, Age34, UCL29, CD64
Roastie TTC#1, Cycle #23, CBFM Cycle 2, age 32, UCL 29, CD55
Fr00tbat TTC#1, Cycle 7, CBFM Cycle 3, age 32, UCL 30-38 (av 34), CD53
Ses TTC#2, cycle #6, CBFM cycle 8, age 37, UCL 28-30, CD40
TinaO99 TTC#2, Cycle#2, CBFM Cycle 2, age 42, UCL 28, CD48
wantbaby TTC#1, Cycle #12, CBFM cycle 6, age 38, UCL 28, CD38
Tilly TTC#1, 3years, CBFM cycle 9, age 36, UCL 28-34, CD41
ZebedeetheZebra TTC#2, Cycle#8, CBFM Cycle#8 age 44, CD34
Loup23 TTC#1, Cycle #6, CBFM Cycle 2, age 31, UCL 33-38, CD31
KnackeredCow TTC#1, Cycle #17, CBFM Cycle 6, age 32, UCL 28-30, CD31
Littlefan TTC#1, Cycle 12, CBFM cycle 5 , age 32, UCL 32-38, CD16
SlightlyBabyCrazed, TTC#1, Cycle #25, CBFM cycle 3, age 35, UCL 28-31, CD6
Keziah TTC#1, Cycle #31, CBFM Cycle 19, age 35, ucl 28-31, CD4

Graduates

Emmylou30 BFP 22/10/10
MissLolita BFP 30/10/20
Notnearly BFP 6/11/10
StormBird BFP 10/11/10
AnytimeNow BFP 20/11/10
IloveKittyElise BFP 30/12/10
Boba BFP 07/01/11
Chocciechip BFP 11/01/11
Clockspotter BFP ??/02/11

Thanks for the dvd Choccie , most kind.

amuminwaiting I totally agree with what Choccie chip said but I'm sending a massive hug 'cos I'm on the same side of the fence as you are and waiting waiting waiting like you for it to be 'our turn.'

So many times I convince myslef that it has to happen becasue we are 'good' people and we're doing everything right and this device (CBFM) said that it could happen within 6 months/2months (depending on how optimistic you were when you bought it! And yet here we still are!

My journey TTC is 'unexplained' and I cling onto all positive stories that happened after many months, if not many years of trying. This is CBFM cycle 11 for me. (Previous history 5IUI, 2 IVF 2BFP, 2mc) I just feel that I can't give up yet every day I think I should begin to process what this is doing to our relationship as this TTC journey can eat you up inside.

Please be kind to yourself, take time to cherish your relationship and in you heart don't ever give up because sometimes miracles do happen!!

Love to all

Tilly xx

keziah Is this the stage of the treatment where they first bring your natural cycle to a complete stop? If so, it was the part I was most apprehensive about so it sounds really really positive to me that you're coping so well. If they stopped you now they'd have to be the most callous unfeeling people to hit this earth. As for spots - I have a whole field of them on my chin, they all appeared overnight. Not sure if its hormones or the vast quantities of salt and vinegar crisps I seem to be scoffing! Keziah, did the DVD arrive yet? DH posted it a couple days ago.

boba, kitty So glad to hear good news for both of you.

muminwaiting Do you and your DH talk about how you both feel? I started to deliberately make little comments when I spotted DH looking at a child, like 'He's cute, isn't he?' He started doing the same, and it began to close the gap between us - with us sharing the pain, rather than carrying it in isolation.

I think you need to be kind to yourself too - it sounds as if you think that somewhere in all this you've 'failed'. And the fact that you're reading so much and chasing info (as I did for over a year too!) makes me think you're putting enormous pressure on yourself to 'fix' whatever you think you're failing at.

There's a lot about this that is utterly senseless and no one knows - not even the professionals. Some of the most common professional diagnoses speak volumes "unexplained infertility", "unexplained subfertility". If we could control this and fix it, then yes, you could reasonably blame yourself for not 'succeeding'. But we can't: it's nature.

One example of the many I started to collect from Nature ... I like to garden: I can sow a tray of 48 seeds, all from the same packet, using the same compost, getting the same amount of light, the same feed, the same water. More often than not, I'll have some cells in my seedling tray holding seeds that just don't germinate, and its inexplicable to me (i.e. af arrives). And for those that do germinate, not all will survive into seedlings (i.e. miscarriage). Most of us can easily accept this with all natural things in a way we can't with our own bodies. We think we're 'human' and therefore different to everything else in the natural world, but we aren't - we're animals and we're just as fragile and at the whim of Nature as everything else. I think not being able to figure out how to cope with uncertainty and what is beyond our capacity to understand is part of the reason why ttc is so incredibly difficult.

This is a very convoluted way of me trying to say it's not your fault, even if you deep down think its you. And that it may be that what you're experiencing is beyond your control, even if you think you're driven and clever and can fix anything because you always have with everything else in your life (well, that was me, anyway). Please be kind to yourself and let go of the guilt and self-blame. x

Hey Boba - how great, you get a 2nd scan, yippee!! And yes, you are right, an army it will be!

KC - the treatment is actually going better than I thought it would. The nurse I spoke to at the clinic said I could also inject into the outside of the tops of my thighs, and some women rotate 2 legs, left side of stomach and then right side of stomach, so knowing this I feel happier. The spots are there, but haven't increased. So, considering I was told I wouldn't cope with the medication by that person who I will not mention I am happy so far. And knowing what is happening next (scan in a week) and to carry on as I am till then is helpful.

phew so pleased to see this boba...surprised they couldn't do nuchal they wanted to do mine at 11+0 because of my history but im sure that will be fine anyway when you go back; they would have noticed it if massive like mine was last time! and at least now you have seen the heart and growth you can stop worrying ......congrats xxx

KC I can't really say too much to help you, as we are at pretty similar points in this lottery of TTC, but one thing I have stumbled upon is www.fertilityfriends.co.uk, don't know if anyone else has seen this one? (Keziah?)

I was looking for the FF place everyone talks about - but this site has a lot of info and a lot of people write their fertility diaries, which I have found interesting and hopeful! Also there is an area section where people write about their experiences with their fertility clinics and consultants - all positive for the unit I'm going to - I imagine it is the same story across the country.

Hope this helps.

SBC

Kitty That's really good news. Really pleased for you!

Keziah We see the Consultant on 4 April to decide what next now we officially have the diagnosis unexplained infertility.

I think I am feeling so down partly because I thought I was going to cope much better with AF's arrival. After all, I'm starting a new job, and being pragmatic, if I was pregnant then I wouldn't qualify for maternity. But instead I've felt worse than I usually do and now I've had the HSG I'm beginning to lose hope it will happen naturally. Feeling very overwhelmed at the moment and just want to think as positively as I can about the future. You know I always wanted to have quite a large family, but now I'll be more than grateful if I manage to ever have just one.

I guess we all have our points when we get really low and then things get a bit better for a bit.

How are you doing with your treatment? Hope you are feeling OK?

aMuminwaiting Sorry to hear that the Consultant was so off hand with you and you have had such a tough time with it all.

Choccie - no I was not assuming you would go to a private hospital for your birth, just a different nhs hospital where you did not have negative associations with. As I have several physical problems I have to go to 2 different NHS hospitals as they don't have the departments I need in one, which is fine by me. I know there are also some midwife led birth units, that are small, but that is not an option if need a consultant - so will not be for me either.

KC I can understand a bit, as we are now in yr 3 of official ttc and sadly did not get speedy care to start with and then paperwork hassle, every month the af was a reminder. It takes it toll, in different ways and at different stages. I am sorry you are now seeing a consultant but that also may be hopeful as they may offer treatment to help. When do you see the consultant? And you have your new job, which may be just the distraction you need!!

kitty so pleased for you that the scan went well.

As for me, today is day 1 so 7 more days down regulating then a scan to check I am down regulated! A tiny little step forward, but I still fear people stopping this process.

Hi chocciechip.
The part where you overheard your husband really hit home with me. I have had so many people shock me in the things they say and felt let down and hurt more times than I can remember but it's the feeling that I'm letting my DH down that really breaks my heart. I know him better than anyone in the world and when he turns the tv over because River cottage has a special episode about dads and their children, or he see's a dad playing with his child in the park and and looks away I know he's thinking "I want that more than anything". Today he said to me "I wish you could surprise me and it just go smoothly" I thought, so do I but I can't. He didn't mean that in a cruel way at all, he's very loving, he just felt like it was all hopeless. I wish more than anything that I could give him a baby and sometimes I look over and think maybe you'd be better off without me.

We've been trying since 2008 and with two miscarriages behind us and now waiting for my period to come again it seems like we're further away than ever. I wish I could be positive and I tried reading everything I could get my hands on to feel like I had some control back but I got a reputation for that quickly. My GP told my consultant and when I first saw him he said "oh you're the lady who's been reading all the books" and then slammed down all the tests I'd read about that had given me hope.

This place is great though because for every story of despair there comes two stories of women who thought they'd never get there and are now the proudest parents there are. So I guess in that respect I am still positive.

So thanks and I hope we all get our babies.

Hi ladies,

Well I have finally done it and had the 12 week scan. I was so terrified after what happened last summer walking in full of hope and then learning that something was very very wrong.

Anyhow, today went smoothly and the nuchal fold was normal and the heart was beating. I do however feel unexpectedly sad thinking about my little angel who i will never meet and wondering whether I will ever feel a guiltless love for this beautiful new being. Im thinking of my little angel so much today.

BOBA i am also thinking of you and hoping so deeply and strongly and with all my heart that your day has gone well

Liz xx

kc I am reaching out to you from the other side of a BFP, and I know how those two little lines on a test can feel like a million mile gap between two people.

But the reason I stick around on this thread is because I remember every day how TTC nearly broke me. If I count from the day DH and I decided to abandon birth control to the day I got my current BFP, it amounts to 25 months. We were literally scheduled to start IVF in Feb this year, and Dec was our last month of TTC before I was told we had to abstain through Jan. And that was our jackpot month. We were diagnosed with unexplained infertility and we just gave up - for us, that diagnosis meant to me that basically we couldn't have children, and there was nothing anyone could do to help us.

I've walked that road - and frankly, I may walk that road again because I have a history of miscarriages.

I am nearly 40 years old, so I couldn't even console myself that I had a few years for it to happen. I had reached a point on my journey when I said to DH that my future was black - it was impossible to imagine a life without children. The despair was immense. I had this unbearably sad moment in Dec, before we knew our luck had changed, when I overheard DH telling my sister we'd never have children and he was trying to smile bravely about it. His fragile wobbly smile is an image I'll never ever forget my whole life.

Knowing this as I do, it utterly breaks my heart to hear other people going through the same or similar. I really wasn't upset by anything you said so you don't need to apologise - what upset me more was the possibility you might leave the thread when I think the support here is so important when ttc. I dearly hope you (and everyone here) will feel you can ask me any question you like, and if I have any insight, I will give you all the details no holds barred.

I don't know how far down the 'medicalised' route you are, but my first piece of advice would be to start writing to your GP and keeping him/her posted on where you're at. I've learned that a paper-trail in the NHS is a very effective way of making sure you don't drop through the cracks.

Second, sit down and write a list of questions. When you get your first appointment with a consultant (not your GP - be warned, they won't know anything) warn him at the very beginning of the meeting that you have lots of questions and you want to ask them all so he knows to leave time for you to ask them. (I took an A4 sheet in filled from top to bottom with questions).

I was never good at positivity on my journey, as much as I wish I was. But when I reached a point when I finally felt informed I started to feel grounded. I can't tell you that this alleviates the despair, but it does start to quieten a very stressed mind grappling around for any solution - no matter how bizarre - to help achieve that goal. I'm not the best person in the world when it comes to hand holding, but if you feel you want to ask me anything, I promise you I won't bullshit you.

x

Choccie I am sorry that I over-reacted.

From my perspective, I'm feeling pretty rock bottom that I am now onto cycle number 18 of TTC. Now referred to the Consultant, the process is about to become medicalised. That's a frightening thought. I've had excellent and speedy care so far. Things can (and do) go wrong in any healthcare system regardless of whether it's NHS or Private. Although you are in a position where you are understandably wary because you are actually pregnant, it's quite frightening hearing the individual horror stories with respect to how poor NHS care has been when I'm in a position of becoming an NHS patient myself (even if just under fertility services).

All I was doing was trying to point out that not all hospitals are bad or the same, and we tend to hear about things when they go wrong, not right. More people go through the NHS, so the number of complaints will be higher, and this could apply even if the proportion of complaints is lower than in other systems.

When things do go wrong, of course, complaints should be made so that the failure in the system can be corrected. I do not believe in keeping quiet when an action to improve and make it better for the next patient can be implemented. I also accept there are some very good NHS hospitals, and some in which the management and systems have failed and they are poor. However, a large number are good or very good. Yours obviously wasn't, but it's excellent to see that your midwife has recognised this and advised you to go elsewhere within the NHS.

But my point is that I'd rather not be an outpatient of any sort of healthcare system (private or NHS), but as DH and I are desperate for a baby, we have very little choice. Therefore, I want to think positively about the process and the healthcare that may need to receive over the coming months.

I'm really sorry if I read to much into your post. I was feeling really low and pre-menstrual (AF got me last night in the end), and don't want to add worrying about possible poor health care to my list of concerns. I think I would actually implode!

Sorry I didn't explain all that.

Again, apologies for getting so upset. I'm feeling so frustrated and angry at the moment that I just can't seem to get pregnant and don't know the reason.