Page 13 | Good things come to those who wait...and wait...and wait!!! All aboard, we're IIT!

bebejones · 2010-11-17T20:25:28+00:00

Old thread [[http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/conception/1044759-We-re-taking-the-train-some-now-boarding-some?pg=1 here]] Make yourselves at home everyone. Jake & George are just loading everyone's 'baggage'! [wink]

squirrel007 · 09/01/2011 16:52

bebe it sounds like this has really thrown you (which is perfectly normal!) and you both need some time to think things over.

FWIW, I think that just not wanting another child is an ok reason in itself. Plenty of women want children for no other reason than just wanting them, and that is fine too. That said, I think it is unfair of him to avoid the issue for so long, tell you no, and then expect you to carry on as normal. And I think it's unfair of him to make the decision, it should be something that you discuss together. What if this were some other big life-changing decision that you had different opinions on?

I am not advocating bullying anyone into anything they don't want to do, especially when it comes to something as important as having a child. But I do think that if you are seriously thinking about how to come to terms with not having another child, the least he could do is give proper consideration to having another. One partner taking such an important decision in a marriage and then refusing to budge is not a recipe for happiness. Maybe he still won't change his mind, but I'd rather know that my opinion was considered properly rather than rejected outright.

And if you do need to get away, I'm sure that missing a few classes will be okay with your DD.

AmandaCooper · 09/01/2011 15:13

And don't worry about courses and groups, this issue is big enough and important enough to justify a change to DD's routine if you need time out. An impromptu visit to nanny's won't do her any harm.

AmandaCooper · 09/01/2011 15:11

I also don't know what to say. I think you need to speak to a counsellor and also maybe have a little time to yourself to process all this. Is your mum going away on a course for the whole week?

Original poster

bebejones · 09/01/2011 14:23

It has to happen now though, so typical. All DDs classes/groups start this week. Things for her are 'back to normal' I just don't feel like it's fair on her to take her away again. Plus my mum is going away on a course this week & it's DHs birthday next Saturday! Everything is just too complicated. I can't think straight. And he is trying to be all normal & wonders why I'm being distant & quiet. Can barely look him in the eye without welling up. Feel destroyed.

For ages he has been 'blaming' finances. Now things are improving it's not that that's the problem....so what the f**k is?!?! It really is a case of him moveing the goal posts all the time. And while it isn't a complete surprise that he said no, again, to TTC, his reasoning behind it is...in fact he has no reason! :(

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nannyl · 09/01/2011 14:05

bebe i wish i had something constructive to say or a majic wand to wave.

i do think some time away, perhaps at your mums would be a good idea though.

jbells · 09/01/2011 14:01

its a tough one not a lot u can do i supose except both try to understand how the other one is feeling, hopefully he will give u time to adjust to the idea. i definatly agree maybe a couple of days at your mums to clear your head could be a good idea, altho saying that a while ago i thought DP going to his dads for a couple of days wud be gud idea turned out it made things worse and took nearly a week for him to come back. it is a horrible situation for u to be in, i really hope u figure things out one way or another

Original poster

bebejones · 09/01/2011 13:53

I said I can't comprehend a life without him & I can't take DD away from her daddy. We have no other 'issues' other than this & still desperately love each other. I said that I would just have to learn to live with it & that it's a life lesson that you don't always get what you want. He said that I wouldn't possibly be able to do that & it's unfair of him to ask me to. If he can change his mind then why can't I? How can I jeopordise what we already have for a child who doesn't exsist?! It breaks my heart, but what can I do?

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jbells · 09/01/2011 13:42

hmmm but wot made him change his mind in the last 2 years, or did he say he has known for ages now that he did not want anymore.

MY DP is the same with chnging nappies and getting out of bed in the morning and we had a lot of arguements over the bed issue, we have now resolved these by on a sat he gets out of bed with her and takes her down, and on a sunday i do, altho she normally gets passed a cereal bar instead of a bowl of cereal when he gets up lol.

has he sed that he feels bad as he knows u always sed u didnt want DD to be an only child and knows how much u want another one?

Original poster

bebejones · 09/01/2011 13:27

I suggested so many things that could be the reason. Gave him plenty of opportunity to say if they were right.

I suggested that it was the 'baby stage' that he didn't like. - No. Just the first 2 weeks, when we hadn't got a clue! (Which obviously wouldn't be the case 2nd time round)

I suggested that it was work stresses - No. Family life keeps him going!

I suggested that maybe he just didn't want any more kids with me - No. Just doesn't want any full stop.

I suggested that maybe he doesn't want to upset the dynamic of our family. - No. He can see how another child could fit in & even be beneficial.

I suggested that it was deep down a financial worry. - No. He can see that the cost wouldn't initially be that high.

The only thing(s) I can think of are that a.The problems with his step sisters baby have rattled him alot and b.He gets alot of stick off people (usually his dad & his friends) that he doesn't 'know' what he is doing & can be irresponsible. He did say that he thinks I have a go at him for not doing things properly & I make him feel like he is a shit dad! He isn't at all! I do get frustrated with him, like if I ask him to change DD & he makes a fuss or takes 15mins to get up off the sofa to go and do it. Or if I ask him to go & get her up in the morning & it takes him 45 minutes to get up & go & get her! (Believe me, it happens & I get into trouble if I go & get her after 10mins if he hasn't moved!) He is a good dad, and DD adores him. He is always calm in a crisis & loves her so much it is really heartwarming.

Just have no idea where all this feeling of not wanting any more children has come from. And apparently my pros & cons list was designed to make him feel like crap! Erm....no...it was designed to help me rationalise things & suggest that it wasn't all a bad idea. He did conceed, in the end, that all my points were valid & that, yes, it did make the most sense to have a baby now...he just doesn't want to!!

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jbells · 09/01/2011 13:01

bebe- i am so sorry he will not giv u answers that must b the most frustrating thing not knowing y! do u think mayb its an answer he doesnt think u will like so wud rather not say, my DP used to tell me that he didnt want another one till r relationship was back on track we had a very tough first year with DD and its taking us a long time to recover from it, i cud understand his viewpoint but at the same time kept thinking are u seeing if were still together in a year, personally i think people r entitled to change there mind yes but when someone has married u on the premise of having a large family together u need to completly explain to them the reasons y u have changed your mind. Lets hope that the councillor helps sort out y he is feeling this way and enable u to get the answers u deserve. guess this is why he was putting of talking to u about it for so long.

AmandaCooper · 09/01/2011 12:56

Sorry that last bit just goes without saying in my mind, so I forgot to say it!

AmandaCooper · 09/01/2011 12:54

And as if we are not desperately in love with out current DH!

AmandaCooper · 09/01/2011 12:53

Yes the thought has flitted through my mind before now but I find it hard to understand how people can actually bring themselves to leave their partner over this, particularly at an early enough stage to make another relationship a reasonable possibility. I've read lots of threads where people have recommended this course of action in an almost casual way, as though other potential partners are just queuing up ouside everyone's door desperate to step in and start reproducing!

Original poster

bebejones · 09/01/2011 12:35

How can I understand why he doesn't want another baby if he can't give me a legitimate reason why it's not what he wants?!

It was discussed last night if he couldn't/wouldn't/didn't change his mind, whether or not I should leave so as to have another relationship with someone who did want children!! We both agreed we still love each other but that this issue could really end up making us resent each other & we don't want to get to that. The thing that scares me is, if I leave still in love with my DH & a few years down the line he meets someone else & has children with them, I would feel beyond awful. And there are no guarantees that I would meet anyone else anyway. Am I prepared to throw away a 9 year relationship for this? No, probably not. But it needs sorting coz it will only get worse. And let's face it, there aren't many blokes who would take on a divorced single mother with long term health issues!! Can't even comprehend leving DH, for me it just is a non issue.

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AmandaCooper · 09/01/2011 12:12

My bloody DH is not sympathetic. He says he doesn't see why he or your DH should have to give a reason for not wanting to have a baby and says the only reason we want a reason is so that we can better bully them into it.

I said didn't he think it was only fair to give a reason for the other person's peace of mind, just as if you decided to leave your partner it would be only fair to tell them why.

He sloped off to MIL's house as soon as he heard the Gruffalo coming (i.e. saw my furious face), but now I am confused. We are right, aren't we?

Original poster

bebejones · 09/01/2011 11:45

Just don't really know how to move forward from here. We went round & round in circles last night & discussed all the possible things that might be the reason why he feels so strongly against having another baby. He concluded that he doesn't know what it is! So not exactly sure what he is hoping talking to the counsellor will 'reveal' since we went over it about 10 times last night. She doesn't gives him answers, just provokes him to come up with them himself. Maybe her being impartial might help, who knows.

I was accused last night of bullying tactics & trying to railroad him into something he didn't want! I was really trying to be patient & understanding & see his view point. But that's a bit difficult when HE doesn't even know the reason why. How can I understand when he doesn't?!

It's just such a big mess. HE is the one who has dragged this out. HE is the one who has kept putting things off. HE is the one who has kept making promises, and then breaking them. HE is the one who won't talk about it. Am at my wits end.

The atmosphere here this morning is horrible. He keeps asking me what's wrong, and saying that I am being 'off' with him. Just don't have anything to say. :( I don't think that he would see me going to my mums as punishment, no more than my silence.

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AmandaCooper · 09/01/2011 10:48

It's a good thing that you've got here to come to and talk about this. We all know what you've been going through for as long as we've known you and before. It must have been really difficult making the decisions about your medical treatment on your own, with your DH refusing to discuss his feelings about ttc.

Thank god he's finally talked to you about it though, his stubborn refusal to discuss it was driving even me crazy, so you must have been going right round the bend. For me, DH's refusal to talk about the issue was by far the worst thing. Once we got talking, even though it wasn't the answer I wanted, I felt a lot better. So this is definite progress one way or another.

If your DH is willing to go to see a counsellor, keep up the momentum and make a booking straight away. I know that if my DH decides he is completely set against the idea of having a baby with me, I'll want to get to the bottom of why, so I can make my peace with it and move on.

You are not being selfish at all. Your desire for a second child is completely normal - it's the common experience of nearly everybody, and you have discussed your feelings with your DH every step of the way. He is perfectly entitled to not want a second child, but not to behave in such a passive aggressive way and refuse to discuss it until it does become the world's most massive elephant in the room.

Do go to your mum's for a bit if you need some breathing space but (and I'm no psychologist, so this is just an uneducated hunch) might it make DH feel that he is being punished for finally confessing how he feels?

Keep talking on here, we are all here for you.

nannyl · 09/01/2011 10:26

oh bebe

so so so sorry to read that post

sending you the most enourmouse hug XXXXXXX

squirrel007 · 09/01/2011 10:19

Oh bebe, I'm sorry that your conversation has turned out this way :(

I certainly don't think you should be feeling selfish and bad because you want to have another child. I don't think your desire for another is any less valid than his desire not to.

I hope you can talk about it some more and understand what he is thinking.

jbells · 09/01/2011 10:17

bebe- just read your post i really hope your ok, will speakto u when u cum back online later

Original poster

bebejones · 09/01/2011 09:56

I will be back later, DH is getting up & I don't want to get 'caught' on here & add fuel to the fire!!

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AmandaCooper · 09/01/2011 09:41

Oh Bebe if you're there, don't go away - I'm going to write a reply.

Original poster

bebejones · 09/01/2011 09:31

Prepare the Gruffalo!!! :(

Had a 3 1/2 hour 'chat' last night (which mainly involved me in floods of tears). DH has said that he just doesn't want anymore children at all. But he doesn't know why! I can't really process this without him giving me a reason why & he says he just doesn't know & has no reason for it. He thought it was down to money, but has come to realise that it isn't that. He has agreed to ring his counsellor on Monday to see if he can talk it through & 'get some answers'. But he says he doesn't know if or when he will feel any different.

I'm in pieces, just don't know what to do with myself at all. I feel so selfish that it is my desire that is driving this wedge between us. He said it was the permanant 'elephant in the room' and admitted that he changed the conversation or ignored me when he thought I was bringing it up. If I wait 5 years, or 10 years to see if he changes his mind then he still feels the same I will probably have missed the boat as far as my MS is concerned. There were even talks last night of separating!

I know I ought to be grateful that I have DD & she is incredible & I adore her (even when she drives me mad)! So many people in this world would give their right leg to have what I have. But I was an only child, and while I never wanted for anything, I was always lonely. My parents, as wonderful as they were, always did 'their thing' & I always fitted in with it. When my dad got sick it was so hard for me coz no one else felt how I felt about it. Knowing that I am ill, and that there might never be a cure/treatment, and that I could reach a point where I have a steady decline, how can I put the burden of myself soley on DD? DH says, she won't be alone, that she'll have him, but it's not the same. :(

Just don't know what to do. Might go to my mums for a bit & get some space. I need him to work out why it is he has done a complete 180. Before we married he always wanted a large family. He even admitted that if we had just done it a year ago, instead of putting it off for the financial reasons that he thought were the issue, we probably wouldn't be having these problems now. (We'd probably have a baby!!) Part of the problem, in my mind, is that is has now become such a big issue, that he feels it is too difficult to deal with. Because of the planning & preparation that is now involved for me there is a complete lack of sponteneity & an 'accident' just isn't really possible. (Well it is, but now he knows I want a baby his sex drive has beatena hasty retreat )

Just don't know what to do. :( Sorry for the long rambling, I could go on & on but I think I've probably bored & depressed you all enough!

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AmandaCooper · 08/01/2011 22:16

Yes what news, Bebe? Are we to set the Gruffalo on him or has he agreed to knock you up?!

JustShaggingForNow · 08/01/2011 21:45

Evening all!!
Liking the new staff! Thinking that we might have a few issues with staff accommodation so I will selflessly volunteer to share my cabin with Jake.

100 I am sure everything will be absolutely fine but no doubt it's scary none the less. Fingers crossed everything is ok.

Bebe - what news? How was the chat with Mr bebe?