Good things come to those who wait...and wait...and wait!!! All aboard, we're IIT!

I know!! I was supposed to have 2 rest days but did a 7k walk on one with DH and a 12k pub walk on the other so that is why it was so high this week!! Even so.... not looking forward to the PT session tonihgt.....

Been having some good chat with my yoga teacher about TTC. She is pretty keen but her DP is quite a bit younger so he's not keen yet. Nice to have someone else in RL the same situation!! After a few drinks on NYE she was saying how brilliant it would be if we were PG at the same time :)

Bebe - it really sounds as though your DH is letting his depression make him feel that he isn't good enough. I am sure that every parent has days where they doubt their ability and parenting but from what you have said he is fantastic and maybe he needs to see someone to talk through that and realise how great a Daddy he is?!

Can you train your DD to come out with phrases like this on a regular basis:

"Daddy you are the bestest Daddy in the whole wide world"

"Daddy when is my little sister/brother getting here"

"I love you lots and lots"

etc etc etc!!

No bebe UANBU. And you shouldn't even think that you have taken over the thread, we are all here for each other what ever the problem is, IIT :)

JS that's a high amount of walking and running for a HM training schedule in the second week.

Well my OH doesn't like the idea of me riding my bike outside now, when we discussed it before he had no problem with it, however I am now upduffed he really doesn't want me to. Luckily I have a turbo trainer so I can go on that indoors, I think he just wants to make sure me and Eggbert are safe. It was only 16 months ago that I was knocked off my bike and spent a while recovering.

UADNBU at all.
It would be unfair (and quite selfish) of him to just make the decision based on his wants and not consider yours. Especially if he can't come up with any reasons why........ I just don't get it!

Make sure that he thinks it over and comes up with a reason behind why he has changed his mind and crapped all over dashed your hopes

So not loving Monday!!
My entire body aches with this sodding 1/2 marathon training programme I am following and I am only 2 weeks into it!

I've done over 70km of walking and running in the last 7 days as well as a yoga class..... it had better be worth it!!

nonsense bebe you haven't hijacked the thread atall. We are all just hoping that things are resolved soon and that the solution makes you happy.

Damn Men!!!

Morning all.

Oh bebe, I'm so sorry to hear what you have been going through this weekend. It's a horrible situation to be in and not one that has an easy answer. For me when that situation came up I was not married, there were no other children to take into consideration and there were other underlying factors in the relationship that made things easier for me to make a decision. So by saying what I did, doesn't mean it is right for everyone, and it's by no way an easy thing to do even when there are other things to take into consideration. Me and my ex did split over the issue of having children, but it was about the 4th time we had split over something, and I knew the relationship wasn't as good as it appeared and looking back there are lots of other things that could have broken us, but the children issue was the straw that broke the camels back. It was still a really hard decision and one that was met with "well what if you don't find someone else?" I knew I needed to try. But I was me on my own and there wasn't the deep love that you have for your DH. Only I didn't see that at the time.

But he does need to realise that what he has said to you is not something that you can just brush aside and carry on as normal and he can't expect you to put on a happy face. And I'm sorry if that upsets him, but he has given you a massive shock, he needs to understand that while he has had all the time in the world to process the information, you were only told the other night and cannot just process it.

Now here is a really awkward question, and I'm really sorry to ask it, but it's something I had with my Ex. He is suggesting you separate and said he doesn't want kids. Is there something else that he isn't saying, is he as happy in the relationship as you are? Is he trying to find a way out? I'm really sorry to ask that. And I may be way off the mark. But my Ex knew that by talking about kids it would break us, and it did, and I am sure that there were other things for him that he wasn't happy about and he knew that was a way out for him. And I'm sorry if I am totally off the mark, or have spoken out of turn here. I don't mean to, I just want to make sure for you that it's only that issue, and not that he is having other doubts.

Either way bebe, I'm sorry you have been through a horrid weekend, I'm glad you now have some answers, even if it's not the answer you really wanted, but you can start to work through things now and decide what is best for you all.

Hugs and you will get through it.

morning all, bebe hope your ok

Oh Bebe

Sorry I've not been on before now. I have had a hugely busy weekend and have just logged on in the office this morning and seen your post and all the responses to it.

It is fantastic that you have such great support online here. Especially as you feel that you aren't able to speak to anybody in RL about it. The advice from everybody so far has been excellent and I am sure that there is not much more that I can add but here are my thoughts. They ,ay not be the right advice for you but here goes anyway?..

1. It is good that this is now out in the open. Whilst it may feel awful and have been a complete bombshell that has both shocked and upset you, it is better to have diuscussed this now and a lot better than not knowing.

2. Whilst some may considere it unfair to force your DH into having another DC when he doesn't want one, isn't it equally unfair to force you into not having one when you really want one?

3. With regards to the seperation issue... that is such a hard thing to even begin to contemplate. I know that I love my DH with all my heart but if he told me that he absolutely did not want children ever then I would be completely torn as to what to do. Knowing that we had such completely opposite views on something so massive would make me question the relationship and I think if we stayed together then I would spend the rest of the marriage bitter that I had been deprived of something I so desperately wanted. I am fortunate to not be in this situation (at the moment but with DH's changing views every 3 months or so I could well be here in the future) but it would be so hard to get my head straight and make a decision if I was. I can only image how you are feeling and I suppose that the thing you ahve to weigh up in your mind is "will you resent him forever for preventing you from having more DCs or can you focus on enjoying him and your DD?"

4. With an issue where there are no options to compromise then it is really tough. One person will always be happy to get their way and the other will be upset and probably bitter that they haven?t got what they wanted. When it is something as fundamentally important as a child then the issue becomes even more heated and emotional. If you had discussed having a large family (I am assuming that this is what you and he initially wanted) and now he says that he just wants DD and no more then the obvious ?compromise? would eb to settle for 2 DCs??? however from what you have said so far this is not looking like it is going to be something he is amenable to.

5. On another separation note??. If you feel that you are too in love with him to leave him over him saying no to DC?s when you have so many reasons for wanting them, is he going to leave you if you (using his words now) ?bully? him into having another?

6. You mentioned that your DH is depressed. I think Quod may well have hit the nail on the head about him not feeling able to be a good enough father/provider etc. I know that when I suffered hugely with depression and an eating disorder I was certain of the fact that I did not want children ever because I didn?t want to pass on my ?faulty? genes and risk having children that suffered from depression or eating disorders etc etc etc. Once I had learnt how to manage the issues (and it has been 4 years since I stopped taking my medication now) I knew that my experiences would make me so aware when we do have DCs that I don?t need to worry about ?faulty genes?. Maybe by getting him to a councellor for his depression and also going to marriage guidance to help the two of you work through the issues with having further DCs will help you come to a conclusion that you can both life with.

Finally ? and I know that the moral issues surrounding what I am about to say are cloudy at best and it is probably something that most people would see as horrific but I am going to say it anyway because it is probably what I would find myself doing in this situation through desperation????????? If you will be unhappy without further DCs and you know that it will eat away at your marriage and ruin what you have together then why not make an accident happen??

Whatever decision you make I am sure that it will be the right one for you and your family. In the meantime I am sending in Jake and George with a big slice fo chocolate cake and a mug of mulled wine.

xxx

ps - sorry the post is so long.....

We just hope you are ok. Don't worry about using the thread for exactly what it's designed for!

Good point AC.

I don't know about anybody else but my DH sometimes doesn't think about things even if he knows it's something I want to talk about. He'll avoid the issue but also avoid thinking about it, so can't explain himself properly even when I do manage to corner him!

The annoying thing is, if he loves your DD and you as much as it sounds like he does, if you did have a happy accident it sounds like he'd probably just accept it and be glad about it. But obviously you can't trap him into it! Perhaps he needs to digest the talk you had, and he might feel differently when he's calmed down a bit. Whatever the outcome of his thinking, you will sort this out - you're obviously committed to doing that, and I'm sure he is too.

You could try ringing the Samaritans or this one: Family Contact Line and Family Centre 0845 120 3788 if you want to talk to someone impartial.

Bebe, really sorry to hear that your discussions haven't gone well, I was really hoping they would. I can understand in some way what you're going through, as discussions on the issue with my DP on holiday reached the same kind of horrible dead-end several times, and in a similar way we've been forced to look at whether there's a point we decide not to be together anymore if we want different things. (These issues are still rumbling on without resolution) It's terrifying and horribly destabilising in our situation and I can only imagine it's worse when you are married with a child in the equation.

I think people above have said some really sound things. I'd echo WhyWait and say that you shouldn't have to dance around the fact that you feel really sad to him - it's fine to say, honestly, that you're feeling terribly overwhelmed by what's happening between you and that's why you're appearing to be silent/'off'/whatever. You're not intentionally punishing him.

Echoing Squirrel too that unfortunately if someone doesn't want a child, then that choice has to be respected, but equally, he should do everything in his power to make that choice an OK thing for both of you, together. You need to understand that choice, so he needs to put the emotional work in to provide you with some sort of explanation to help you to an understanding. (Yes AC we are def right on this one).

Maybe his suggestion of separation is because he doesn't feel good enough for you, feeling the way he does? Just because separation has been mentioned, doesn't mean it's anywhere near needing to be a reality. Maybe there's something good from having that alternative life possibility out in the open, even if neither of you wants to take it?

The final thing I wanted to say (and again, I'm no psychologist) was that I wonder if your DH's depression is underlying his feelings on this? If he feels (even without logical reason) inadequate, unsure of his ability to provide for you because of the financial issues, frequently stressed, under pressure, and/or frightened of your potential illness/the illness of a child (however irrational those fears) - well, those aren't the conditions that make you full of hope and optimism and eager to bring a new life into the world. On a purely animal level, stressed animals don't breed! Maybe that might be oversimplifying, and it certainly can't help you with your frustration - but maybe those feelings might also change in the future?

Final final thing - don't worry about spouting off on here, it's what we're all here for.

He's probably scared you might leave him and wanted to prompt you to tell him you don't want that.

bebe I'm so sorry you are going through this. There has been lots of good advice and I agree with the others who have suggested staying put for the time being. I think your OH needs to come to realise how much this has upset you and you need to keep the lines of communication open IMHO.

I also think that seeing a counsellor yourself might be a good idea so you can talk things through in RL with someone you can be completely honest with.

Hope you start to feel better soon bebe, we are all here for you, I wish I could do more to help

I agree with whywait - if I went away in the same situation I'd just be stressing about what he was doing and about not being able to talk to him about it. (but, as whywait said, that's just me.) You might need to let the dust settle and give it another try in a bit, maddening as that may be. He might change his mind over some months. If not, and you don't want to leave him (and I think I'd think the same as you - I couldn't ever imagine leaving my DH), then you'll just have to reconcile yourself to having no more children. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh and you probably know this already...!

I think AC's advice is great, too - I agree that, upsetting as this is, it's still progress as you've started addressing it between you. Things as big as this never get sorted out in one evening anyway, but you've made a good start in that process. At least he's not avoiding the issue any more.

Sorry for not being helpful... I'm not sure what to say... just that as whywait said we are here if you need us!

I was thinking maybe he just feels that he's completely happy with his family the way it is.

bebe I'd be the same - I like to think my DH would always consider my view as equal to his (and vice versa). I'd find it much harder to accept his decision if I felt he hadn't given consideration to my point of view.

Have you told him that separating isn't what you want to do? It seems to me like a knee-jerk reaction to stop him feeling guilty about denying you a second child, without actually having to talk through the decision with you.

What you mean it's him suggesting separation, even though the status quo is exactly what he wants???