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Original poster

TTC after a Miscarriage - Let This Be Our Lucky Thread!!!

1081 replies

Diddle · 08/09/2005 13:15

Right Ladies, lets hope this helps speed up our ability to read and type more messages and help and support one another through these tough times.

This thread is for laughing at, crying at, screaming at, bawling at!!

We've all been through so much, and together we can get one another through it. Lets Do It!!!!!!

Here's to weeks of Bd and legs in the air

Love and positive hugs to you all.

xxx

OP posts:
Coathanger · 08/09/2005 21:40

I'm here! DH has gone to work so I can type at will!

I must have painted such a horrible picture of my DH. He isn't the big ogre I made him out to be, he really is a wonderful man. Kind, considerate, loving, thoughtful and all the other attributes of a good husband and father. Thats what makes all this so hard. I can't lose him and I will do anything to make him happy...but I want to be happy too.

Anyway, I have aired my feeling s for long enough now and will try to be a good strong coathanger for you all again (non of that cheap wire rubbish!)

How are you all this evening? Phew isn't it warm...

CHOCOLATEPEANUT · 08/09/2005 19:33

(((((((((((CH))))))))))))

Its still early days for you only being 4 weeks so you will still feel very raw.I totally sympathise with your situation.When we lost Philippa my husband,family and friends said thats it know.No more.Inside I was screaming NOOOOOOOOO I just wanted to be pregnant again,instantly.

We had a heart to heart,which I dreaded as I thought he was dead against the idea but he said ok.He just said he was trying to protect me from any more hurt (his friends later told me this)I just think that after the funeral it took time for him to realise that yes, he wanted another child.But I will be honest.I would not have given up on the idea even if he did,he would have had to come round.That may sound very selfish but the need for another child is so strong.Also my dh is the kind of bloke that you have nudge along.If I didnt, I would not be his wife and we would not have dd!!He was a confirmed batchelor but now hes as happy as larry (just who is larry???!)

Maddy,yes I am in the bd marathon too!!Thought dh was going to peg out on me this morning.Not using ov kits just hoping that everything is back to normal and going off old fertile times..

How was Disney Diddle? Loved the Areosmith rollercoater.I could not believe how fast it was!!
We were still queueing when it went Whhhoooosshhhhh past us!!It was too late to chicken out!!

Hope this thread gives us all the bfps we so deserve!!

xxx

Original poster
Diddle · 08/09/2005 19:11

Coathanger - stop apologising, we are here to listen, you can say what you want, when you want. This thread (like us) has its ups and downs too, don't add us to your worry list, we're fine, happy to be a support to you.

OP posts:
strike1 · 08/09/2005 19:06

No worries CH, you keep us all talking, it's a good thing.

Shame about the parade and fireworks diddle, that was may favorite bit....but then I'm a big scaredy girly girl when it comes to rides, so I just like the fluffy mouse and princess stuff

Might pop back after dinner to see if you're all a chatin'

Coathanger · 08/09/2005 18:31

Oh, and BTW everyone, I'm SOOOO sorry for starting this thread off on such a low note. But things can only get batter from here and that means LOTS OF BFPs - WOO-HOO!!

Coathanger · 08/09/2005 18:30

OK. will speak to you later. Oh, and thanks Diddle re. email you didn't make me leave earlier, I was just finding it hard to see through torents of tears and couldn't see what I was typing.

Talk later xx

Original poster
Diddle · 08/09/2005 18:27

Strike1 - yes went on the big scary rides. my DH loved the rockin rollercoaster we just ahd to keep going on again and again. We were a bit dissapointed that the fireworks weren't on or the night time parade, but apparently it was out of season,

CH - i might be on here later, sure DH will be in front of the PC so can carry on here on my laptop.

OP posts:
Coathanger · 08/09/2005 18:24

Will any of you be on here after 9.30? DH goes to work then and I can type more freely without him lurking around me. Keep worrying he'll see what I'm typing

strike1 · 08/09/2005 18:21

Still about diddle. Poor CH Still it's good to have an outlet for these feelings every once in a while.

So did you go on all the big scary rides at Disneyland?

Original poster
Diddle · 08/09/2005 18:20

looks like i've killed the thread already, sorry guys. is there anyone there???

OP posts:
Original poster
Diddle · 08/09/2005 17:50

sorry honey, hope i haven't upset you. Its easy for us to comment on here, but we nobody knows better than you what is happening in your own home. I hope it works out and we're heling you and not making you feel worse.

OP posts:
Coathanger · 08/09/2005 17:45

I'm going to have to go again. Its getting a bit much. Will come back later, promise.

You are still fab BTW!! xxx

Coathanger · 08/09/2005 17:42

Yes I have. Thats the thing. He is still holding fast. I just want to hear his real reasons...

Original poster
Diddle · 08/09/2005 17:42

I totally understand you wanting DH to be happy, but you need to think of you and your family too, surely your happiness should be just as important to him, as his is to you.

OP posts:
Original poster
Diddle · 08/09/2005 17:41

I can't imagine being in that situation, its a no win. Nobody can win, but you know what, this is not about winning. This is about living your lives together happily. He must have pretty strong reasons for not wanting another, especially if the choices are as serious as splitting up. Who made those suggestions?? I can't imagine you did? I know its easy for me to say but i can't imagin being in your position where the choices are having a baby, a vasectomy or a divorce. It sounds like you both have a lot more talking to do. You're obviously not happy waiting for 6 months.
He might change his mind and i seriosuly hope he does. Coathanger i don't know what to say, i really don't, will have a think.

OP posts:
Original poster
Diddle · 08/09/2005 17:33

Oh Coathanger - you got me crying now. your reasons are wonderful reasons to want tme a mum to another. You sound like a fantastic mum, your children are blessed.
I think all of my questions have been answered already. must get faster at typing and posting.

I totally agree with munz, my DH felt just the same. its tough for them, they do feel like they have to keep strong for us. And worrying about money and stress and the impact on the family is of course soemthing to worry about, but i'm sure nothing can compare to holding your own child in your arms . I too think you should try and gte him to open up a bit more, and there is no reason why you have to be the person to get hurt. Maybe he should be reading this, have you told him what you have told us?

OP posts:
Coathanger · 08/09/2005 17:31

You're right Diddle, I'm not happy, but I want DH to be happy. If I didn't agree to waiting the other two options were to not TTC at all an dfor DH to have Vasectomy, or for me and DH to separate. He told me he couldn't stay with me if we were for ever making each other unhappy - I would resent him for not giving me the one thing I want, but he would resent me if I "made" him have another baby. I love DH too much for that to happen. I am unhappy to wait 6 months but its better than nothing and I am willing to wait the time...you never know he might change his mind...

Coathanger · 08/09/2005 17:10

Diddle - hold that thought. Will answer very soon. Must do dinner... xxx

Coathanger · 08/09/2005 17:08

You are all so good to me. I really don't know how I would have got this far without you. Thats why I couldn't stay away for very long.

I will try to talk to DH. Its difficult but will give it a go.

Got to go for a little while to do dinner. Will be back soon.

THANK YOU ALL ! Love you to bits {{{HUGS}}} xxxx

Original poster
Diddle · 08/09/2005 17:06

CH - you need to let all of your emotions out, bottling them up won't do you any good, if you need to cry, then cry. You've been through a lot, and you know what, if people think you're milking it thats their problem, you know that you need to go through the grieving process before you can feel happier.
I still get upset, DH and I still have a good cry even now and its been 5 months since our most recent m/c and 9 months since the first. The pain won;t just vanish.

Sounds to me like you're not happy with your decision with DH and that you're agreeing with him so he's happy, then at least one of you is. But if you're not happy with it you need to tell him. Sorry if that ws out of line, just got the feeling you weren't happy with it, hope you don;t mind.
Are you not trying at all, or are you just relaxing about it? in other words, are you using "protection" or just seeing what happens? could be that you relax about it and conceive. i'm sure once your dh got used to it he'd love a new baby.

What are his reasons for not wanting one?

OP posts:
munz · 08/09/2005 17:01

yes agree about that please do confront everything now - I didn't after my first one and ended up twice as bad after my second.

((((hugs))))

I guess ur DH feels he's ment to protect u, and feels like he failed cos he didn't perhaps?

strike1 · 08/09/2005 16:59

CH, I think they are all good reasons. I don't think there is a reason for having children that isn't selfish, if it wasn't that way how could we ever become parents! (hope that make sense) It's only after you have them that you become self less in giving everything to them and they reward you be giving you so much to be proud of. I think LL is right about asking your DH to really talk to you about why he doesn't want any more children. It might just be concern for you. Maybe having a bit of time communicating and getting over your grief from this m/c will give both of you a clearer idea of want you really want. How long that is or needs to be, only you two know. I really hope you can find some peace and happyness cause you really are a special and lovely person. Whatever you do, don't rush your grief through, cause it'll only pop up again later......nasty thing.

BIG {{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}

Coathanger · 08/09/2005 16:55

I try not to be hard on DH and I love so much. He is kind and caring, a fantastic dad (another reason for wanting another) and looks after all of us so well. I know its hard for him, but he has told me that losing this baby didn't hit him as hard as it did me because he wasn't thrilled to be having it anyway (although he was coming round to it). What did hurt him, and what is still hurting him is seeing me heartbroken and there is nothing he can do to bring that particular baby back to me.

Coathanger · 08/09/2005 16:50

You are not the only person to ask me the real reasons why I want a baby. There have been many...

But there are lots of reasons why I do. Before I tell you those reasons I must tell you, as I said before, that I have wanted another for well over a year. But wanting a baby now so desperately is, I know, because I feel an eptiness i feel i need to fill. But I am coming to terms with that feeling slowly. However, once i do come to terms with that, it won't mean i don't want anoither baby full stop.

Anyway (sorry about spelling BTW, bored with keep correcting myself!), the reasons I want another baby, where to start:

I love the 3 i've got so much. they make me laugh, proud, happy beyond comparison, wanted, they give me perpose, i love doing all i can for them. I would do anything for them. And they are my first reason, because they are so amazing I want it again.

I have had trouble fitting inall my life. I was bullie dat school and in work. When I met my DH i finally found somebody who loved me for who I am, instead of one of the many people i tried to be. As a couple we created something amazing, and those littl ecreations love me unconditionally. I know this reason is a selfish one, but the love I get from my kids is overwhelming and I feel for once i am liked

Being a mum is all i know. Its my vocation. I think i'm good at it and i want to keep doing it. I'm not trained in anything else ao its my life.

And I'm scared of what comes after kids growing up....
I know all these reasons are selfish but I thinkwanting kids is a selfish act.

There are lots of reasons I want another baby, but i could bore you to tears and my fingers are aching now...

munz · 08/09/2005 16:45

oh CH - hope u don't mind me saying it but u're just how I was after my M/C it didn't hit me till about 3 weeks after either we had terrible rows at the time, poor DH just took everyhting I was saying and shouting at him about how he didn't care, but believe me honney, your DH will be hurting just as much as u are now, u need to grieve together for ur baby.

From a mans point of view thou, my DH told me, he was upset, but a) was being strong for me, b) he did care and it was killing him just as much and c) in the nicest possible way he ment this we could carry on TTC and take as long as it took but he only has one me, so that's what he was thankful for.

I guess what i'm saying is don't be too hard on ur DH u both need to talk it thru there will be tears there will be good days and bad, but u will see hte good times and hopefully the sun will come back out for u.

(((((((((((group hugs))))))))))) for all u girls right now, I wish I could wave a wand an help u all get PG, I honestly do. ((((hugs)))))

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