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Original poster

Have been put on the IVF waiting list and don't know how to tell employers...

34 replies

NotSureAboutAnythingAtAll · 14/04/2010 13:47

I've namechanged for this, just in case, if anyone works out who I am, please don't say anything

I work as a nanny for one of the best families EVER. My job is fab and I never want to leave, baby is 8 months old, have been with him since 11 weeks.

Prior to getting this job my DP and I were having investigative stuff done as to why we couldn't conceive. We found out recently that based on what they have found, they can offer us one cycle of IVF.

Its all happened rather quickly and now I am panicking as I don't know what to tell my lovely boss!
I have already told a fib when I was having my HSG done, I said I was having an ultrasound because of painful periods so already I have decieved her and I feel terrible

I am worried because I don't want her to think I am a liar (which I clearly am..!) or think less of me because the outcome may affect my job.

Oh I don't know, I don't even know if I'm making any sense

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ficam · 27/07/2010 14:41

Hello, just wanted to wish you all the luck in the world with your treatment.

I am a nanny who did an ivf cycle in March. Unfortunately it was unsuccessful, and although thats not what you wanted to hear, you do get over it suprisingly quickly, hopefully you wont have to find that out tho!!

I have 5 good quality frozen embryo's and will be trying again with 2 of those in the next couple of months.

Doing IVF whilst nannying is difficult as the children obviously dont know what your going through and you are so aware of getting stressed or your stomach getting touched! That you can become quite paranoid!

I told my boss right from the start and it turned out her sister had been through it, she was very supportive and that took alot of pressure off.

I found it relatively easy to get to appointments as you can usually book them for first thing in the morning and once I'd started the stimulant injections I had a weeks notice for all the other scans and a rough date for egg collection and embryo transfer, so just took those days off unpaid.

I hope your cycle goes well for you and please feel free to message me if you have any questions or just want to chat.

Original poster
NotSureAboutAnythingAtAll · 28/05/2010 17:12

Aww, thanks everyone for your kind words and well wishes!

theladylovescupcakes that is exactly the kind of thing I want to hear!!!
I think I've finally got my head around everything now, so I'm just waiting for CD1 to come around, then CD21 its all systems go, go GO!

x

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theladylovescupcakes · 28/05/2010 08:22

Just come in on this thread. Glad all went well with your employer.

All the best with the treatment. My 8 year old son is the result of successful first time IVF

FourArms · 28/05/2010 08:13

That's all great news Good luck with the IVF. x

Blondeshavemorefun · 28/05/2010 07:17

So pleased chat went well

now take a deep breath and relax and wishing you for a sucess xxxx

giraffesCANdriveAcar · 28/05/2010 05:33

Glad she was so nice good luck

Original poster
NotSureAboutAnythingAtAll · 27/05/2010 23:36

I did it - I told MB this evening and she was nothing but happy and excited for me, in fact she called me a 'looney' for being worried about it

I feel so silly for making it far worse in my head than it needed to be

I explained about the appointments etc and she said as long as she had notice of the days I might be running late etc we could make it work she also said that if all was successful, ML wouldn't be a problem as she would inform the nursery (he goes on M/F) that he would be doing extra sessions etc.

I am going to be absolutely honest with her from here on in and let her know exactly what is going on to the best of my ability!

I really feel like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders and thank you to everyone who posted

OP posts:
mickytoo · 27/05/2010 16:19

My DH has an employee undergoing IVF - (a) it worked the first time and (b)it did affect her performance. So I think you're right to be thinking of letting your employer know.

I'm a nanny employer and I like to think I'd be very sympathetic to my nanny if she had IVF - it's so completely understandable from my point of view why my nanny would want children, especially as they must've seen how lovely mine are . It sounds like you've thought through many of the issues and I would appreciate nanny bringing solutions and propositions, rather than declarations and entitlements. I would mention it to your employer though, sooner than later, to give them more time to plan for potential disruptions. Good luck.

Blondeshavemorefun · 27/05/2010 15:33

annh - yes this was discussed at interview (tho obv mb can change her mind)

annh · 27/05/2010 15:26

Op, have you already discussed working with your own child? I realise it's a long way down the road but being positive when you have your own baby you do realise that your employer is under no obligation to let you come back with your own child? She has to keep your job for you but not for you plus child.

Original poster
NotSureAboutAnythingAtAll · 27/05/2010 11:37

Hi azazello, thanks for your first line

Thats a really helpful post, thanks. My clinic opens at 7am and I start work at 9am, although the journey is about an hour long, but I'm hoping any appointments won't cut into my work time, but I will of course mention this to her, in case I am running later for any reason, but it would always be with as much warning as possible - I may of course be lucky and everything might fall on M/F or the weekends when I don't work.. (crosses fingers) I assume for EC/ET I'd have to take a couple of days off here and there but assume I'd use my holiday days
if I am able to?

I've thought long and hard about the 2ww and I know a lot of women take it as time off but for me personally, I can't think of anything worse than taking those weeks off, I think I'd drive myself MAD. I love my job and looking after my charge really gets me through the day so no time off I think!

In terms of ML - I'd want to keep working as long as possible, if able to, and I'd in theory want to come back to work as soon as I am able to as well - I'd have the luxury of bringing my LO to work so in my mind it makes sense to get back to work asap - maybe I am a little nieve in this thinking??

If it doesn't work I def won't think about trying again until at least next year - this whole situation has happened so quickly that I just think I'd need to catch my breath before going through it all again!

Hope that all makes sense and that it is what my MB would want to hear??

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azazello · 27/05/2010 11:04

I'm another nanny employer who went through ivf (and it certainly can work first time so don't worry too much about that bit.) I would want to be as helpful and supportive as possible but would like notice of appointments etc (as much as you can give) and some idea of whether you would want to be in work during the 2WW or whether that would be taken out of annual leave/ unpaid leave/ whatever.

I would also like to know that you'd thought through how you'd manage a) if it did work with ml etc and b) if it didn't work - whether you'd want another attempt very quickly and how to deal with the timings of it and whether you'd be able to cope with looking after my dcs.

Original poster
NotSureAboutAnythingAtAll · 27/05/2010 10:53

Moi again... still haven't told her, thinking about mentioning it tonight but am being an utter wimp about the whole thing

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Original poster
NotSureAboutAnythingAtAll · 11/05/2010 21:33

I think the best thing to do this week is see what the co-ord appointment shows me in terms of times, dates etc!

SO much to think about

Thanks again everyone, as ever

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Blondeshavemorefun · 11/05/2010 15:11

No probs. Know you are busy at mo. I'm working Thursday so Anytime after 7.15 and I will have signal xxxx

as you and MB discussed bringing your own dc then hopefully that won't be a prob but the egg collection etc may be difficult to arrange childcare

do you have a nanny friend who may be able to cover for you so not making it hard for your MB to take time off

I can not stress enough you need to be in the best frame and as unstressed as possible so please do talk to MB xxx

Original poster
NotSureAboutAnythingAtAll · 11/05/2010 14:51

Sorry, forgive the tone of that post - I'm very touchy atm

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Original poster
NotSureAboutAnythingAtAll · 11/05/2010 14:50

Hi LadyMuck - while your post is very helpful and has given me a lot to think about, I really could have done without you so bluntly stating that most IVF attempts are unsuccessful. Not really what I wanted to hear...

Anyway, I have a lot to think about so thank you.

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Ladymuck · 11/05/2010 14:49

Sorry - cross-post. Sounds as if you have a good relationship with your employer, so hopefully my worst case scenarios will not be an issue!

Good luck with the treatment!

Ladymuck · 11/05/2010 14:45

As a nanny employer who has been through IVF, these would be my questions/concerns:-

During your cycle you will have a number of scans. What time of day are these likely to be at and how much time off will you need for these? Will you be giving your own injections, or will you use a nurse? If the latter then again this will result in more appointments.

You will need to have at least a day off for egg retrieval, and again this will be at relatively short notice (though once you've started down-regulating it might be more predictable). You will also probably need a day off for embryo transfer, so I would need to make arrangements for that. You are in a better position of knowing your employer's circumstances than I am, but prior to telling her I think that you need to consider how she can manage without you - it may be hard to get short notice cover for a 10month old.

Pay:- I would be assuming that you would be taking this time off as annual leave, so if you thought that this was sick leave then we would need to discuss. I'm not saying that I'm right - I'm just letting you know my thoughts!

I guess that I would be less worried about hormones per se, and more concerned that you would be distracted during the treatment. It is hard not to get over-focussed on the treatment especially when your follicles are being measured etc. Rather than being hormonal during the treatment I would be more concerned about how you are after the IVF attempt especially if it is unsuccessful (as most are). I would probably have some concerns as to how you would cope with being with my baby whilst coming to terms with the possibility of not being able to have your own children.

Whilst you aren't giving any sort of formal notice I would of course take note of the fact that you are trying to start a family and therefore would be looking to leave my employment at some point in the future. Whilst that probably shouldn't change my view of you, it would obviously colour it somewhat. You will have only been working for me for 6 months or so, which is a relatively short period of time.

Hopefully you already have a good relationship with your employer and this is just a short term issue in terms of needing time off that can easily be managed. However if you have a less easy relationship with your employer it may be worth considering what your legal rights are, as if she doesn't agree to the time off you may be facing disciplinary action - obviously that is an extreme case, and one I would hope not arise in practice. If your employer is themselves an employee then they do have some legal protection to being able to take unpaid time off. Please don't be surprised if she isn't entirely pleased by the news - it will be less about you, and more about the short term inconvenience for her, as it is likely that you won't know the exact days that you need off until 48 hours beforehand.

Original poster
NotSureAboutAnythingAtAll · 11/05/2010 14:40

Hi Blondes - sorry I've been a bit quiet, this is all just a bit mental atm. Nothing but love thou. Will give you a call on Thursday night if ok? x

Thanks for all the replies, very reassuring

chitchat07 - your first point is something that is making me feel guilty too! My boss and I get on really well and I actually feel bad for not telling her - I think this is such an alien situation to me its clouding my rational judgement iyswim??

As I work 3 days a week and the clinic opens at 7am, I am hoping that this will reduce actual time off work, except of course for egg collection and embryo transfer and the fact I will be making a cross London dash to work for 9am, but I will be doing dry runs and taking into account timings for this so see how viable my journey is. I am also considering getting a cab to work to cut down on time, but will also be investigating the traffic etc.

I am fully hoping to come back to work with my baby, my boss said to me before if I ever had children she'd be more than happy for me to bring my child with me (totally randomly in conversation before I knew about the IVF). I would of course accept that my hourly rate may be reduced and would be fine with that. I may be getting ahead of myself but I was looking at double buggys (the icandy pear le le swoon) which would be perfect for a newborn and 18mth old, imo, and I could leave my charges seat at work, etc.

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thebody · 11/05/2010 14:22

I think if its a dream job then you obviously have a great relationship with your boss..

I am sure she will offer you support and understanding as anyone with any decency would..

best of luck with all this love.. hugs to you both

Hopandpop · 11/05/2010 14:16

do you have to tell your boss? if i was trying for a baby with my dp, i wouldnt tell my boss till i was pregnant, in case it took forever to concieve

chitchat07 · 11/05/2010 14:00

I have an 8 month old (and a 3 year old) and have a nanny. I have a good relationship with the nanny, and I personally would probably be a bit miffed if she hadn't confided in me, but that is based on OUR relationship, so please don't take this to be a criticism of you!

My primary concerns as a nanny employer would be how the hormones would affect her ability to do her job, and how much notice I would have re time off. In my situation I could easily give time off, but not all employers are in that situation so your employer might find it more difficult, so any time off might be tricky for her.

With an 8 month old I would not be as worried about the hormones as say with my 3 year old. TBH, an 8 month old is less 'active' work than the 3 year old, so unless you react REALLY badly I don't think there would be any problems.

My other main concern is after you have the baby. What are you hoping to do? Are you going to take time off, and if so how much time off. Are you going to want to come back to work, and if so, do you want to bring the baby with you? There will be about an 18 month gap between your child and your employer's child so your employer may be ok with you bringing your baby to work, but may want to reduce your hourly rate because they are effectively getting a nanny share because there is another baby there.

All things for you to think about, but TBH, not much more than if you had conceived naturally!

Blondeshavemorefun · 11/05/2010 13:34

Wow. Fab news

tbh you do now need to say to your boss you are starting treatment

good luck xx

yellowblossom · 11/05/2010 11:48

Of course you're nervous about telling your boss. The idea of her nanny possibly going on maternity leave might be a bit disconcerting initially but your personal life really is no one else's business.

If I had employed a nanny in your situation and you told me about the ivf I would be nothing other than supportive and offer encouragement. My heart would desperately want a baby to come for you and I would fully respect your decision not to tell me about the ivf until you became pregnant unless you really wanted to.

Do what is right for you, not anyone else.

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