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Original poster

third au pair and feeling lost....tell me your success stories

39 replies

lovesunnydays · 23/03/2010 22:10

As above we are now on our third au pair.The last two were just summer positions but now we have gone for a more permanent post as I really like the au pair arrangement now the children are older (4 DCs aged 9-14).

My only problem is that despite each of the au pairs all being very nice, clean, polite and charming they are really, really dull and not at all 'into' children despite all their experience of kids camps, balloon tying, kindergarten, beach clubs....

They have all come to us via Au Pair World and wonder how you have all found your au pairs if not through this website, which I believe is very popular.

I was very thorough when recruiting and of course got all the answers I wanted but just seem to get saddled with the boring types who literally just want to learn English and get their room and board for minimum input into our family. I feel we are putting alot into the arrangement in terms of providing food, car, fuel, full board etc so would like our au pair to be some sort of friend to the children. That was the original arrangement along with an hour a day house work and feel that our AP is not keeping his side of the deal?

Really want to hear of some au pair success stories to restore my faith...

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BadGardener · 24/03/2010 13:50

We only ever had one but she was lovely. We found her via an agency called Brick Au Pairs which specialised in Hungarians (though they don't cover the whole country so this may or may not be possible for you). She was older than usual (27ish) which apparently is very common among Eastern European au pairs and had experience with special needs children - our children aren't SN but it looked like a good sign. (I binned any who specified that they wouldn't be prepared to come to a family where the children had disabilities because it just seemed to me to be the wrong attitude.)
I looked at a lot from various different agencies and I thought the photos were very telling - lots of the applicants had pics of themselves looking glamorous but there were a few that showed them actually hanging out with children. The photos of our lovely AP showed her on the floor playing trains with one little boy and crammed onto a kids' roundabout with another and smiling her head off both times - you could tell there was no way she was faking her love of children!

mumof2222222222222222boys · 24/03/2010 13:48

I have had a succession of French girls and with the exception of the first, all have been ok. Getting on with the children is really important, and if his manner isn't right, can you talk to him about it. could even be in the context of improving his English an intonation etc?

I got them from Au Pairs by Pebbles and have no complaints.

elastamum · 24/03/2010 13:45

IME homework is always a challenge unless the au pair is really bright. Mine do most with her but I always pick up on the difficult stuff when I get home as usually au pairs cant help much (sometimes neither can I - thank god for google!)

elastamum · 24/03/2010 13:43

I also use au pair world, but I do take up refs and fly the intended au pair in for the weekend to see what they are really like before I offer them a job.

Unless I like them and they get on with the kids they dont get a job. Also, au pairs are not nannies - I had a fab nanny for the kids for 5 years - and you do have to spell out what you expect and keep re inforcing it.

My current au pair is scottish - she is living here with her bf and my boys love him to bits as he is always up for a game of something. I had a german au pair who was lovely also, she has just been back for a holiday for 2 weeks. I think there is a bit of luck in it but £100 in travel expenses to see what they are like is worth it if they are looking after my kids.

Hayleycm · 24/03/2010 13:34

german etiquete is quite different to ours dont forget! so my german teacher told me

Original poster
lovesunnydays · 24/03/2010 13:32

frakkin - thanks for your insight.

I do think that the DCs ages do have something to do with our problem as they can easily amuse themselves at home. BTW he is German and seems to have an unfortunate way about him when he is expressing himself in English.

we do get the monotone "get dressed!" instead of "would you like to get dressed?" sort of thing, seems to rub everyone up the wrong way but I have spoken to him about this (gently) so he should have a clue on this one.

As you say I will see how it goes over the Easter hols and if there really is no fun in him at all he may have to go. I know I am fortunate that he is clean and polite etc I just imagined that he might have 'some' life about him....find his presence a little depressing if I am honest.

I feel bad for being so critical but as a working mum dearly want a replacement carer who seems to like my DCs.

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frakkinaround · 24/03/2010 11:53

How old is he? He sounds rather like most monosyllabic teenage boys (men tend to be less with the chat than women!) but on the plus side he's clean, polite and does what he's asked to!

Of course he should be doing his housework while the DCs are at school and while you're chatting to him about that try to find things he can do with the DCs. Doing homework with them may be a challenge for him - is he academic? And is his english good enough to cope? The monotone may be due to his native language not having a great range of expression or his lack of confidence/not knowing appropriate expression in English. I have a German friend who can be incredibly enthusiastic about something but still speaks with a very limited range of expression in English.

Even as a fairly experienced nanny I find it a challenge getting children your DCs age to actually interact with me unless I'm playing on the wii/ps with them or we're out the house!

Missus84 · 23/03/2010 22:45

If he's nice, clean, polite and does his jobs then it sounds like you're getting a pretty good deal - I think you could easily find yourself with someone much worse (read some of the au pair threads on here!).

Original poster
lovesunnydays · 23/03/2010 22:37

missus - good point and I am going to use the Easter hols as a bit of a test for him. I will arrange some activities and days out for him and see how we get on.

E - coli, yes he does spend time alone with the children as I know he is a bit nervous of me (I will speak as I find at times...) but I have had reports from the DCs and overheard AP being quite short and brusque with them.

I feel it is time to move on but feel nervous about getting another disinterested AP. DH thinks he wants to stay with us until he finishes his language course as he has paid out quite a lot for it and exams. But this can't be the best reason to keep him, surely?

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Original poster
lovesunnydays · 23/03/2010 22:32

yes think the age of the DCs may be an issue. They don't need playing with and entertaining but I just don't like the way our AP speaks to them in a monotone voice, just asking questions or giving commands.

He is not a bad person by any means, DH thinks he is fine, just very very dull and not really what I wanted.

Feel we are in a difficult position now as I am getting to the stage where I don't really like him and want him to go but DH feels he can put up with him, which to be fair is OK but I do feel that part of the deal was to be a companion for the children. True, they are older and so not as maleable as younger children but still couldn't he just make an effort?

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Missus84 · 23/03/2010 22:30

Could you try giving the AP directed time to bond with the children? Maybe in the holidays, take a couple to the zoo, take them to the cinema, go to get the haircuts etc. Something fun that forces them to spend time together, rather than time in the house where they probably all would rather be doing their own thing.

Original poster
lovesunnydays · 23/03/2010 22:26

AP does 25 hours a week. One hour in the morning taking kids to school and tidy kitchen, 1 hour housework to be done whilst DCs at school (but often done when they are home..) and then collect DCs from school and look after them for about 2 hours.

I have asked him to do homework with DCs, to encourage a bit of interaction and to develope a relationship with them but there always seems to be an excuse and of course the DCs prefer to do homework with me as they don't have 'said' relationship with AP. Vicious circle really....

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EColi · 23/03/2010 22:25

We found ours on aupairworld and they've all made some sort of relationship with the children - our current au pair took a couple of months to get her confidence with them but she and dd have really bonded now.
Does your AP spend much time alone with the children? I find that ours is much more relaxed and natural with them if I'm not around. Do you think the age of your children may have something to do with it - I know our dd wants more attention and therefore is easier to play with than our older ds (who is happy entertaining himself by reading/pc games etc).

Missus84 · 23/03/2010 22:17

What exactly are your au pair's hours and duties?

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