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Original poster

am I being unreasonable?

31 replies

helenlucyp · 08/02/2010 12:02

OK, long post I'm afraid....
DH (?!) moved out in early Nov (looks permanent, won't bore you with the detail), knock on effect was needed to get a fulltime live-out nanny to start in early Jan, replacing 2 days of DH childcare and 3 days of lovely childminder for 2xDDs. Through fog of misery due to domestic earthquake, got my act together and went through rigorous recruitment process to get fab, well qualified and referenced nanny. 1st 2 weeks of Jan virtual write-off due to snow and her taking a day off sick, then 1 blissful week where she came every day, DDs loved her, I loved her, all great....... then she texts me to say she is ill. Cut a long story short, she has been off the last 2 weeks, in contact mostly through text and email, 1 phone conversation but other attempts I have made to speak with her put off by her. Doctor visits, bloodtests, pain relief meds etc etc. But emails back end of last week saying she was feeling much better and what hours did I need her this week, how much she was looking forward to coming back.
I have been paying her in full, paying my old childminder to cover some of the days, had my folks helping out etc. All with the commitment from nanny that she would be back today. Imagine my concern to get a text at 6.30 this morning saying she had had a bad night, in pain, no way she could work.
I feel so torn, I need a reliable lovely person to leave my gorgeous girls with, so I can earn the money to pay the mortgage etc and keep it all together at this horrible time...... but I don't want to treat nanny badly..........

any thoughts? Just makes me feel better having got that lot out of my system

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putneykaren · 14/02/2010 15:38

Really sympathise with your dilemma and agree with all the advice offered. Although there are are a lot of down-sides to having a live-in nanny one of the upsides is that this kind of thing with time 'off sick' doesn't come up. It may be that this nanny is a lovely girl just a bit feeble and unmanageable, if it was me I'd have to let her go because i haven't got anyone to step in if my childcare lets me down. good luck.

Blondeshavemorefun · 13/02/2010 09:09

i have never had trial days, i go for an interview, sometimes then a 2nd interview and get offered the job

but friends have and they get paid for them

hope goes well

Original poster
helenlucyp · 12/02/2010 22:26

fair enough, especially as she lives down the road. Can't tell you how much I hopethis works. How's your nanny situation working out BoffinMum?

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BoffinMum · 12/02/2010 22:23

I pay for trial days but not their transport to get there.

Original poster
helenlucyp · 12/02/2010 22:03

hello more advice please?

Nanny2 coming for trial day next thurs and to sign temp contract so she can start the following monday (everything crossed). Do I pay her for the trial day? I think I know the answer to this but interested in views. Have been trawling old threads and lots of good tips re details in contracts, ofsted reg etc so hoping you can help with this one too

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Original poster
helenlucyp · 11/02/2010 11:50

thanks for all the advice and support, will let you know how it goes [emoticon showing me girding my loins, picking up sword and shield etc]

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Blondeshavemorefun · 11/02/2010 08:11

wine always helps

least you know you nanny isnt faking it (it happens) and often tummy pains are hard to diagnose

if you really like your ill nanny,pay her ssp then hire the temp for a month and see how things go and then revaluate

and remember you are always doing the best you can for your kids, no matter what happens, and that is all you can do x

BoffinMum · 11/02/2010 08:06

Of course your kids come first.

And with regard to the discrimination, being fit and healthy is presumably a requirement of the job so I would have trouble seeing how a nanny could get very far with a claim is she had only worked for you for a week and then not been able to come in for ages due to ill health.

In the meantime, SSP, some flowers and a nice card made by your girls, and a sincerely expressed desire to keep in touch might go a long way towards being decent.

Original poster
helenlucyp · 10/02/2010 21:15

Hello, amazing how a glass or two of good red puts things in a bit more perspctive....and a virtual hug, thanks blondes
Went to see her and she is genuinely in a bad way, wiped out by pain and lack of sleep, eating anything makes her innards hurt etc. On wait list for endoscopy which should give better idea of what on earth is going on
Gently broke it to her that I would have to replace her, due to need for complete reliability etc, which she completely understood. She then handed me presents for the girls (DD1 7 last week), I headed off and cried all the way home.......

HOWEVER. Advice from legal bloke at nanny payroll is that have to be v careful about possible discrimination claim and on reflection I will sleep easier if I know I am paying her SSP (esp as I get some back through tax) - she was great with the DDs when she could get here and you never know how things will work out, if she is fit and healthy in a few weeks great.
In the meantime, totally lovely nanny who lives 4 streets away (let it snow ) came for 2nd vg interview and is spending a day with us next week to get to know us and hopefully good to start as temp sick cover from 22nd.
And do you know the funny thing, suddenly DXH is least/last of my worries and all that seems a lot less signif than right person to look after DDs, that's good, right?

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Blondeshavemorefun · 10/02/2010 17:08

peeks over shoulder and gives helenlucyp a very frowned upon mn hug ((HUG))

you have certainly been through the mill recently, but we are here to support you

as you have ssp in contract, that is what you should have paid, but very kind of you to pay in full

as nick said, us nannies go in on deaths door (literally in my case) in 18years of nannying i have had 3 weeks off, all together, just over 3years ago and that was when i had a blood clot in my lung and nearly died and was in hospital

any other time i am ill (rare) i go in and we have a tv/quiet day (if that is possible with 3)

your nanny should have kept you informed by phone calls and i think if she has had this amount of time off (and you dont know why) it may be wise to look for alturnative childcare - hope interview goes well

deduct the money she owes you for ofsted reg from her salary

millarkie · 10/02/2010 16:34

I'd like to second Strix's 'You are doing an excellent job'.

Have you given her notice (via the texts/emails)? Good luck with today's interview

BoffinMum · 10/02/2010 15:03

MN is the new village pump, m'dear, and long may it remain.

Strix · 10/02/2010 12:29

Oh yes, MN nanny thread addiction is something I struggle with as well. I think everything I would have said has already been said. But, I would like to add that you seem remarkabley sane and capable of keeping it all together, given your circumstance. You are doing an excellent job. Well done.

Original poster
helenlucyp · 10/02/2010 11:01

so I am off to see her at her flat, having failed to raise her on the phone, just more texts and emails.....did I mention I picked up the tab for her Ofsted reg (we had agreed 50/50 split) as she hadn't the cash...oh dear, am I a mug ? anyway, at least I will get my carseat back and I have lovely, much more local, nanny coming round for 2nd interview this aftn, also my fomer fab CM has given me number of a nnay she would recommend who is job hunting so I live in hope.

BTW, nannynick, blondeshavemorefun, frakkinaround and tons of others, can't tell you how great it is to be reading various threads with your advice in, ditto other working mums (BoffinMum, I raise a glass to you!) who employ nannies, feel like it's not me on my own (major issue since departure of DH), though fear I now have a serious MN addiction

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BoffinMum · 08/02/2010 15:19

BTW there's do as you would be done by - in your case apparently subliminally reimbursing society for the three weeks' sick leave of your own by being extra nice to nanny, and there's being a pushover. I am often a pushover. The difference between the two is probably a proper sicknote and proper communication.

BoffinMum · 08/02/2010 15:17

They are great, really. They keep me sane in the middle of disaster and chaos.

Original poster
helenlucyp · 08/02/2010 15:05

and thanks to everyone else for v helpful advice, I feel more able to get back on my feet and take this on

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Original poster
helenlucyp · 08/02/2010 15:02

Boffin Mum

Thankyou
Have just read one of the other threads looking for pearls of wisdom and stumbled across your The curse of Boff. Again. Made me smile hugely, not because I relish your pain but just great humourous and heartening to see all the other posts rallying round you

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frakkinaround · 08/02/2010 14:18

Agree that you don't need the stress of an unreliable sickly nanny and to get looking, but glad someone else mentioned it first!

Do tread very carefully though and seek legal advice.

Original poster
helenlucyp · 08/02/2010 14:14

Boffin, I tend to agree re have to work to get paid. Haven't been off sick myself for 15 years, but then had to take 3 weeks off with stress when XH left before Christmas and so feel sympathy with my nanny about the stress she must be going through. That said, my primary responsibility is to my DDs and me being strung out because of not knowing from one day to the next whether I can get to work is hardly helping. Am v lucky with incredible boss and parents/sister all doing all they can to help. Just really want to get a couple of boring, predictable weeks under my belt and regroup a bit

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BoffinMum · 08/02/2010 13:40

I think you may find that if she has to turn up to work in order to get paid, things will improve, but if she's genuinely got a problem, then frankly this early on in the relationship you could both do without the stress of wondering whether it will ever work, so it might actually be less awful to hire someone else instead. What does everyone else think?

Original poster
helenlucyp · 08/02/2010 13:30

have got SSP in the contract as millarkie says, was gritting teeth and paying full pay last week as concerned stress of no pay (SSP from gov is peanuts) might exacerbate illness. Like the point about assessment from doc about when she will be fit to work, will ask for that along with sick note. Have to say am looking at alternatives, although am aware I may go from one set of probs to another - seems now it was too good to be true that she seemed so spot on.........

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BoffinMum · 08/02/2010 13:27

I would start nanny hunting immediately to be on the safe side, btw

BoffinMum · 08/02/2010 13:27

Sorry, that should be:

www.hmrc.gov.uk/calcs/ssp.htm

BoffinMum · 08/02/2010 13:25

I second what the others say - definitely put her onto SSP and ask for a sick note. And tell her to stop texting and get on the phone if she can't come in.

Remember you can recover costs of SSP as an employer.

www.hmrc.gov.uk/calcs/ssp.htm