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Original poster

Oh b*gger all going pear shaped

35 replies

PhDMumof1 · 04/07/2005 14:27

Our lovely nanny is on her last 2 weeks with us. She and I seem to have lost the plot a bit: I think that she has become quite invasive / controlling with DS around me, while she thinks that she is following normal procedure for a handover to Mum. She keeps prefacing her sentences with things like "Basically at nanny school we were told to do X, Y, Z". These sentences are all about shared care. I have been working at home for the year and I think her frustration with having "had" to deal with that is coming out, as she keeps telling me that most of her nanny friends would never do "shared" care, ie while Mum was working from home, because "It confuses the child / Mum might want to use the kitchen while nanny did / Nanny might feel self-conscious" etc etc.

She has done a really good job with DS all year, but now I am thinking back to all the niggly things she did vis a vis us as parents, and I can't wait to see the back of her ... . Feel really ungrateful and also annoyed that she is being so pushy this late in the day ...

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uwila · 04/07/2005 23:00

Agree with Jura. It's only fair that the money go back to the person who paid it.

jura · 04/07/2005 22:54

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sunnydelight · 04/07/2005 17:46

Don't think you can ever moan/emote too much when it comes to your kids - you should start me on the subject of schools!!!!! Sorry, as I said I didn't mean to make you feel bad.

Original poster
PhDMumof1 · 04/07/2005 16:48

SDelight, I really didnt mean to give the impression that I resent it - it is just one of those things that has added to some of the difficulties of handover. Maybe I am moaning / emoting too much.

OP posts:
sunnydelight · 04/07/2005 16:32

Hi. I don't want to cause offence here but I don't understand why you resent her claiming her tax back so much (and it is the tax that she has paid on her earnings, you have just arranged the administration as all employers have to do). It sounds like until now she has done a good job, wouldn't you prefer she got the money rather than the government?

Original poster
PhDMumof1 · 04/07/2005 15:45

Thanks binkie and Issymum. You always worry that it is just you in this situation. She is not a backpacker now but about to become one so I suppose she is making that calculation. I can't help thinking that it is all my savings that went towards paying for her tax and how I would rather have spent them on something other than childcare tax anyway!

But you are both right, scratchy / allergic is the word. I am trying to keep out of the way and have made appts for haircut, smear, dentist etc etc etc to make sure I am out more. sigh

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Issymum · 04/07/2005 15:39

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binkie · 04/07/2005 15:01

Guessing she's on a working holiday? It is I'm afraid quite usual for backpackers to claim back tax if their overall earnings are under the tax threshold - more typically people doing receptionist or waitressing type jobs - and in your case I do see how talking about that would hit you as thoughtless. I wouldn't have thought it's anything one could adjust pay for - after all, it's up to her how much she chooses to earn in total.

We've been through nanny exits a few times. I think the most telling was one who'd been with us a long time, and it really was time to move on - both sides had started to develop what I can only think of as little allergies to things about each other. I think she and I both managed it by doing special things for the children - she took them off to visit her parents for a few days, that sort of thing - and otherwise giving each other lots of space. A year later, and with each of us having since had another boss/another nanny respectively, all those allergies have completely gone and she is a permanent family friend. I am so so glad that we both bit our tongues!

Original poster
PhDMumof1 · 04/07/2005 14:44

Thanks for your input binkie. Yes I suppose all the heightened stress of leaving him might make her less tactful than usual. I just suddenly feel horribly uncomfortable in my own house.

Also, is it usual that nanny can claim back tax that you have paid for herself? Given that we had agreed a net wage, is this fair (or am I being horribly penny pinching - I haven't actually been earning money in this period, I have been studying).

OP posts:
binkie · 04/07/2005 14:42

Just followed you over from the other!

The end is always always difficult, really, however good the working relationship has been. Like moving house, it's far more upsetting than one anticipates.

And if she's been lovely with ds, then at some level she'll be eating her own heart out over leaving him - could that explain the invasiveness?

I've got lots more to say if you like! - ending up with, make sure you do your best to stay civil because four months down the line you may well be best friends again.

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