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Original poster

So we've taken in a homeless au pair

34 replies

Millarkie · 21/10/2009 21:05

who has only met our au pair a couple of times so isn't even a friend of hers...oh well, could be a huge mistake but couldn't see someone's daughter without a bed in a foreign land.
She has found a new host family but job starts in 10 days..not sure how long we will tolerate her here (cooking for 6 - arghhhh!) but hopefully she's honest and won't scare the children.
Wish us luck.
And if anyone near Cambridge is desperate for an au pair for the next 10 days CAT me

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mananny · 29/10/2009 18:35

LOL at Millarkie!!! Sadly for stinky AP I think Karma will be her only friend the next few days.

Original poster
Millarkie · 29/10/2009 17:23

Just had a phone call from a local host mum. Her ap brought stinky ap home with her with a 'i don't know why they asked me to leave' story. They know us and that there would be a reason so told her she couldn't stay so she's off to her new host family tonight. Wonder how long that will last!

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Original poster
Millarkie · 29/10/2009 12:56

She has left the house. No doubt I have a room to fumigate and bed linen to boil but she is gone. Dh dropped her in town but is ignoring my questions of where she's staying next.. that's why he did the deed, I would be worrying about where she was going.
In defence of au pairs in general, I have had 2 fantastic au pairs, have been priveledged to have them share our lives for a while. We also had one who was not such a great fit for our family but she tried hard.

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mistletoekisses · 29/10/2009 11:23

Boffmonster - I couldnt agree more about the stories coming out!

I spoke to my agency again this morning who are getting more confused in dealing with our soon to depart au pair. I honestly think that she expects to be treated like royalty whereever she goes. With the attitude of whoever gets her should feel very lucky. And she is doing them a favour.

Erm no, you are entering into paid work. There will be an element of compromise with this particular type of paid work, more so than any other job you may have previously held, because you both live and work in your new home. The bottom line is that while the host family need to make you feel welcome and included, you also need to make a real effort to fit in and adapt to your new environment.

Why would you au pair if you werent willing to adapt, compromise and be respectful?

BoffMonster · 29/10/2009 11:09

My sympathies. Just hang onto the thought you will surely go to heaven for this.

God, I am so glad we don't have to have APs any more. We only ever had two we actually liked. All the others gave us the runaround without even realising they were doing it. they were all too often lazy, spoilt young women. What a generation we have brought up!

I would concur with the point that they are great at sob stories. I have had many APs from other families around my kitchen table over the years, trying to win my sympathies, and 9 times out of 10 it is pretty much down to their own awful behaviour, when I have probed a bit.

mistletoekisses · 29/10/2009 11:07

Very sensible decision! Hope all goes ok!

mananny · 29/10/2009 10:52

Good! I hope she leaves without any major issues. Definitely write to her mum, maybe send a photocopy of the broadband bill and ask for reimbursement along with a bill for her board and lodging LOL.

Original poster
Millarkie · 29/10/2009 10:47

Dh is working from home today as wedecided last night that as long as our ap is happy with it we will ask the girl to leave today... Either to another -sucker- host or to the local youth hostel. She has cost us so much in e cess broadband fees that we might as well have paid for her flight home. Have photographed her mums address from the label on her luggage so might send her a note in my best german!

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mananny · 29/10/2009 10:32

I think the au pair has been less than honest with everyone here. She is not at all concerned about her lack of job, totally taking the michael out of Millarkie's extreme kindness, and is from the sound of it an immature and conniving little madam! Any au pair with an ounce of decency would be kissing Millarkie's behind and begging to help with housework/children/etc as a show of gratitude for being rescued. Nope. This au pair is going to all night parties, running up huge internet bills, probably lying to her parents and Millarkie, and showing a scary lack of common courtesy to Millarkie's au pair too. I know she is someone's daughter but I would throw her out at this point, definitely by Sunday! Millarkie you have gone above and beyond and it is obvious that the au pair has taken you for a complete ride. Can you talk to her mother/the previous family? I would at this point get rid asap if only to cover your own back, who knows what she will tell the next family, or what she has told her own parents. Either way she sounds a really huge and slightly unhinged PITA.

DadInsteadofMum · 29/10/2009 10:06

I would say she there is a very real chance that she has not been honest with her mum.

This tail from another local family, come home on Saturday night APs door is closed think nothing of it. Sunday still no sign of life from AP, sunday afternoon knock on door to check all is OK, no answer, enter room, empty AP has gone and left a brief note saying do not try to contact me.

Obviously hosts try to make contact, just to check she is OK, eventually make contact with an aunt who says AP turned up saying family had thrown her out.

mistletoekisses · 29/10/2009 07:27

I cannot believe how she is behaving. You are a far better person than I am, I can tell you! Think the blocking of the PC is totally fair enough! what on earth is she downloading????

We have also had to lock our phone down with BT. A bill arrived the other day and despite our conversation about occasional international use (preferably in the evenings unless an emergency)...the au pair has in 3 weeks racked up a substantial amount in calls to France. She has been on the phone during the day when DH and I were at work. Did she not realise that we would receive a bill???

We locked it down since Monday and she hasnt asked us if something is wrong with the phone yet...watch this space!

Re. the mother, maybe the daughter hasnt been totally honest with her that she knows to send you a thank you card?

Original poster
Millarkie · 28/10/2009 21:16

Oh and her mum sent her a parcel here using DHL, so is able to contact her alright. If my daughter was lodging with strangers and I had the address I would be sending them a thank you card!

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Original poster
Millarkie · 28/10/2009 21:09

The latest is that she is still here and we believe the earliest she will leave is this Sunday (she told our ap that she's going to stay with friends and told dh that she's going to her new host family for a few days - either way she's off and is due to fly home to see her family a few days after that.
She is still quite stinky but not overwhelming, is hiding in her room all day, surfing the net and ignoring our ap (on one occasion she came downstairs and sat in the kitchen with her laptop and our ap had to clean 'around' her - no offer to help our ap with her jobs or even to chat to her except via facebook (laptop in one room contacting pc in another room!). Dh has just found that, despite our warning her over her internet usage after her using 6GB on her first day, she has used another 4GB today and cost us over £20 in excess fees so far.
Our ap is pretty P'd off with her, the lack of friendliness and demands to be driven to X or Y (if she asked nicely then ap would drive her, it's the demanding, never saying thank you and then when a lift is arranged, not turning up on time so ap is left hanging around). She ended up having to walk into town (2.5 miles) yesterday because she didn't ask ap politely, and hadn't asked anything about the area (there are buses that are 5 min walk away and go into town but she didn't ask so didn't know that).
We have barely seen her (again, she is either partying/pub or in her room with door shut).
Dh has just changed the password for the wireless internet so her laptop won't be able to log on anymore (although ap's pc will still work cos it's hard wired so hopefully she won't just take over that one).
Oh and kids aren't here at the moment (away for half term) so I cooked for just ap and stinky tonight, left them to it (I work weird shifts so tend not to be hungry at 'mealtimes'). AP finished first, put plate in dishwasher and went to get ready to go out. S finished later, went to get ready. I went into kitchen to find dirty table, cutlery still out, unfinished food left on table etc..
Ho hum, roll on Sunday.

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mistletoekisses · 28/10/2009 11:49

Millarkie - what is the latest? Am curious to see what has transpired!

Blondeshavemorefun · 26/10/2009 10:15

very true mananny

mananny · 25/10/2009 12:51

If she is off partying etc she doesn't seem all that concerned about being kicked out/looking for a new job/getting herself sorted out/being immensely grateful to you for taking her in I would be a little pissed off to be honest. It's one thing to rescue someone elses daughter, but another for that daughter to assume she can party and live the high life on someone elses time and money! I wonder why she got kicked out of her last family??? Too much partying perhaps??? Something just doesn't sit right.

Blondeshavemorefun · 25/10/2009 11:08

half my message dissapeered [

i also wrote well done for taking her in and looking after her

whatever the story is why she left her ex job ,no responsible adult should kick out a young girl in a foreign country without checking she has a place to go

mistletoekisses · 25/10/2009 10:55

Millarkie - I admire you! I am trying to start a new thread about my au pair (although this site is not letting me for some reason!) Am struggling to adapt to one au pair, forget 2!

Please share advice when you finally see the thread appear!

Original poster
Millarkie · 25/10/2009 10:42

Blondes - have still not seen her long enough to have a proper talk - but from what her 'friend' has said, she has booked a flight home for early Nov and is expecting to stay here until then (she hasn't asked us if she can stay that long - is just assuming), and then was planning to stay with that 'friend's host family (although host mum has said 'No') until her new job starts (which we were told was beg of Nov but must be later according to this timetable and might not happen at all according to local gossip). Dh is now wondering why she booked her flight home for early Nov rather than now! (We live really close to an airport which specialises in cheap flights to europe so it's highly unlikely that there were no flights). Seems that she doesn't mind being housed and fed by strangers so she can hang out with her friends and party for a while. (She's not around this weekend, dh drove her to meet some friends yesterday morning to go to an all night party - she's due back sometime today, she has no key and does not know the way here from the station so our AP is guessing that she'll be summoned at some point..our AP has gone to a town 30mins away with another friend so it looks like homeless AP will have a long wait at the station (she hasn't asked for/got our phone numbers).
Ah well, as long as she doesn't upset lovely AP and she gets clean and controls her broadband use we can put up with it for a while

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Blondeshavemorefun · 25/10/2009 10:09

can you not contact her parents and get them to pay for her flight home if she cant get a job?

Original poster
Millarkie · 24/10/2009 15:49

To be honest I don't really want to ask her why she got kicked out - partly because it doesn't really matter what she says I won't know if it really is the truth or not.
I met another au pair today who knows her (in fact she put her up for a few days) and our experience of her so far (she doesn't wash herself or her clothes often enough, doesn't offer to help out or say thanks for anything and spends the majority of her time surfing (used 6gig in one day so we've already read her the riot act about that!) is true to what other au pair has experienced. It's ok for us as I will have no problem telling her to wash or move out and we can block her laptop from the web if she takes advantage again - but I can see how a host family might find it difficult to approach. From what her friend says the host family were asking for a lot for the money (i.e. 7am-7pm sole charge with an under 3) and so homeless au pair gave them notice that she was looking for another family, so they kicked her out.
We also heard that the local grapevine was likely to warn the host family that she is meant to be going to in Nov about her habits so she might have that job offer withdrawn - eek.
Dh and I are going to have to give her a deadline for getting out - either flying home or into the nearby youth hostel if she can't find a host family (and it looks pretty unlikely if she tries to stay round here because the grapevine/au pair network is pretty strong). Oh cripes

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littlestarschildminding · 24/10/2009 07:56

Having known many many au pairs in my long nannying career, It is fairly standard practice for an au pair to up and walk out on a family without notice and claim to all that will listen that she was thrown out on her ear for no apparent reason with no notice and how awful the family were to her sob sob. It normally guarantees someone will feel sorry for her and take her in not saying this is always the case of course. The are some horrible families out there who really don't care about the aupairs and will chuck them out.
I have known 2 au pairs who have been asked to leave without proper notice. The first kicked one of the children (2yrs) when he kicked her. the second was sleeping with the teenage son So both were fairly justified. Most families are fairly just to their aupairs.

Milarkie, I would be concerned about what she had done to deserve getting kicked out or whether she was telling you the truth!!

Libra · 23/10/2009 18:19

We have had two chucked-out au pairs stay here for us for a while. Neither seems to have been thrown out for good reasons - one au pair host family stated that they needed the room for the MIL who was coming to stay long term and gave the girl 24 hours notice. The other responded badly when the girl gave them her statutory one month's notice because she was unhappy and told her to get out immediately.

Both seemed very nice girls, although a bit giggly, which got irritating quite quickly.

I was stunned that seemingly responsible and mature host families could behave in this way.

Both girls found new placements within a week and were very grateful that we had them to stay.

I must admit that by the second one, I was feeling a little as though I was running an au pair refuge, but I actually mainly felt embarrassed about the view of British host families that they and their families must have had.

BarakObamasTransitVan · 23/10/2009 14:55

Millarkie what a lovely thing to do. I got kicked out on my arse when I was an au pair. For sure I was a bit rubbish, but I was 18 fgs. My boss refused to pay me - saying I'd racked up a huge electricity bill (might have been something to do with the holes in the roof - I could see the sky through the ceiling in my room - glasses of water used to freeze) and so I didn't even have any money to get home. The agency didn't want to know.
Months later I heard that she'd decided to move into the au pair room (splitting with her dh or something) and lasted all of about 3 nights - she didn't appreciate having to walk along an open corridor (as in open to the elements) to go for a piss.
Of course now I'm very nosey - what did your au pairs friend actually do? FWIW I was (allegedly) a drug using prostitute

nightmareteamgirl · 22/10/2009 23:27

Well, well done to you all anyway, and lets hope you dont have to regret it!! Have you asked your AP what happened?

Last time I heard of it was when AP had affair with dad-boss
I think it was reasonable of mum boss to throw both out

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