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Original poster

Tips needed on getting the best out of AP.....

38 replies

booreeve · 14/09/2009 17:41

Hello,
I'm an AP virgin, and finally took the plunge. Our new AP started on Saturday, she's 21, French and has looked after kids before, and comes from a large family. She was super shy, and has slowly been coming out of her shell. Her English is ok, but I'm billingual French English so communicating hasn't been an real issue.
I've given her a manual which she went through, have shown her round, gone and registered at language school, and she seems fairly happy - BUT doesn't seem remotely interested in DS who is 2.
I work from home, so I'm around much of the time so I don't know if that's not helping. She just doesn't seem to engage with him at all, doesn't seem terribly willing to play with him etc...and I'm not sure what to do. She's previously been looking after 2 little girls who are 4 and 6 after school everyday for a year, so I thought she might be a bit more clued-up about how to play with kids.
I'm not too sure what to do about it. Am I just being impatient, and will it just get better over time? Am just worried that she'll never bond with him, and he'll just take advantage of her and be a terror.
Any advice? I've tried to encourage her to play with him, and set-up the train set so they could play together - tried to do puzzles etc....but she barely speaks to him or anything - help!

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ConstantlyCooking · 27/09/2009 10:17

waves at DTG - pleased to hear your AP problems resolved.
[please forgive hijack}

Podrick · 26/09/2009 21:11

OMG what is her next family in store for?

Original poster
booreeve · 26/09/2009 16:42

Well she's got a reference from another family - she used to look after young children everyday after nursery/school so Im sure she'll be offering that.
She has 2 more interviews today, and is due to hear back from another one she had this morning so fingers crossed we'll be rid super soon. I've said to her that if she hasn't found a new family by the end of the weekend we'll book her a flight next week. But of course the new family might wish for her not to start for another weeks or so......
As for her arguing back at us during the "firing" she said that during the meltdown (when he came up the stairs unsupervised) he wasn't listening to her and she claims that he hit her (hmmmm not sure whether to believe her or not) to which I replied that it was lucky that this had happened at home whilst I was in - what happens if he were to ever behave like that again and they were in the park, or home alone - how was she going to manage then? And she is the boss when on duty and if she couldn't show the correct level of responsability and maturity to handle this sort of situation than I was left with no choice but to have to get rid as DS's safety is paramount. She had no reply to that, but then said she'd thought she'd done a good job the day before and that with the last set of kids she looked after they hated her for the first month and then it was fine!!!!!
I originally found her on Aupair World, however she's not on there anymore....

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Totallyfloaty35 · 26/09/2009 15:50

maybe she is not saying that she has been asked to leave by a family or even pretending she is not here yet.Is she on Aupair world? can you put her initals on here so we can avoid thanks

BoffinMum · 26/09/2009 14:48

The main thing to me seems to be that your little boy doesn't like her, so you need a better arrangement and possibly should consider a part-time nanny while you all recover.

Considering he was allowed up the flight of stairs on his own when she should have been looking after him, I reckon that is grounds enough to boot her out straight away. I have known reputable families that have booted au pairs out quicker for less.

Podrick · 26/09/2009 14:39

She doesn't sound as though she is a good person to leave your ds with. What did you make of her criticisms of you?

Millarkie · 26/09/2009 14:33

I was thinking that she will find it hard to get another au pair job without a reference from you - mind you if someone has already offered her one (which she turned down) there must be some foolish families out there!
Hope she's off soon and your next one is great.

drinkyourmilk · 26/09/2009 14:24

As horrid as this sounds - do you have to have her in the house while she's waiting for a job to begin? Surely you can say - you can stay till x date - then we will either fly you home that day, or you will have to move out.

Original poster
booreeve · 26/09/2009 14:09

No we haven't offered a reference - and I doubt she'd ask TBH....

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Millarkie · 26/09/2009 13:41

Booreeve - have you offered to give her a reference for her next family?

madusa · 26/09/2009 13:26

one of the worst thinga about having au pairs that don't work out is having them in the house once you've told them to leave.

It's one of the reasons we stopped having au piars.

Our good ones were very good but the bad ones were awful!

Original poster
booreeve · 26/09/2009 12:49

Hi Totallyfloatty....well we had the dreaded chat on Thursday night. DH and I thought we'd be nice and gentle about it, but she then started to argue back at us (I almost lost my rag and was on the point of listing my enormous list of her crimes) but DH diverted her.....we said she could stay and try and find another family, or go home, but she said she wanted to find another family as she really wanted to get her English up to scratch. She's still here - and is going to interviews, which on the one hand is great, however she's started getting picky about who/where she'll work (we're in London) and has already turned down a job I'm desperate to get rid of her, and will ask her to give to tell us tonight/tomorrow what her movements are otherwise we'll book her a flight hom next week. Am just worried that she'll accept a job that doesn't start for another week and then I'm stuck with her in the house.
I think I've found a replacement, but until this one tells me when she's off - I'm a bit screwed. In the meantime I still don't trust her with DS so don't want her to work for us next week, but it then means that it'll be another week of my not being able to get my own work done, let alone settling in a new AP! Arrrrgggghhhhhhh

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Totallyfloaty35 · 26/09/2009 11:25

Booreeve,how did your chat go? are you getting another one?
Im having probs getting another,maybe because my heart really is not in it...plus whenever i get an application they always sound like the ones on here causing probs..such as 21yr old french girl with lots of brothers and sisters
Or German girl already in uk who wont let me speak to previous family!

dreamteamgirl · 24/09/2009 17:52

Oh my god, I cannot blame you at all. She is just completely clueless isnt she?

Good luck with recruiting a replacement! My AP (19 German) has improved beyond believe over the last 3 weeks, but was never as bad as yours at her worst

Original poster
booreeve · 24/09/2009 17:31

Thanks dreamteamgirl...we were going to wait until tomorrow evening to have the chat, but the way this afternoon has gone, I've simply had enough and we'll have to tell her tonight.
I've been a prescriptive as I can but she seemingly has no brain at all! Today DS was having his lunch and got all upset because his food was too hot, which turned into a complete meltdown - all the while she is sitting across from him chowing down on her own food, doesn't look at him, try and console/distract him etc just sat there and ate.....I was very suprised seeing as she was "on duty" all very strange. She then went to her english lesson while I took DS swimming, she's supposed to help out on my return - so I left them to continue building a train set and I went to have a quick shower. All I could hear was him really really crying for me (this has never ever happened) I wanted to go to him but I thought, I'd give her the space to try and deal with it. This resulted in him climbing a flight of stairs unsupervised to come and find me - while she vanished to make a cuppa Maybe I should have gone to him, however if this is how she is going to react every time there's a blip then at least I now know.
We may have found a replacement, but I will look into an agency.....

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argento · 24/09/2009 16:12

In America au pairs are more like low-paid nannies I think - the official programme is 45 hours a week for about $200, so it tends to be fulltime childcare for working parents rather than just school runs and ironing.

dreamteamgirl · 24/09/2009 16:04

Blimey £120-£180 if they live out and dont get fed maybe?

But for live in no way!

booreeve Did you tell her you are considering terminating? TBH if you did and you have been very prescriptive that you want her to play and engage with DS- maybe along with a list of suggested activities typed up- and to help out more and she simply isnt then I would terminate

My agreement suggests that I give 2 weeks notice unless gross misconduct which would give you some time to look for a new one. Maybe try an agency?

Julesnobrain · 24/09/2009 15:56

Floaty - yes they often work more hours and get less!!. A daughter of a family friend has just come back from 6 months doing pretty much full time child care for 2 under 5's whilst M & D worked. (7.30am - 7.30pm 5 days a week) She is 22 years old and has no qualifications, although a v nice girl. She was paid $90 per week. I was a bit when I heard what she had to do

Totallyfloaty35 · 24/09/2009 13:55

Dacs,is she looking for another family? what nationality was she? I ask because i been approached by a couple of girls saying they left last families as they were treated like slaves,i am always dubious about these girls as i find that the family usually has good reason for asking them to leave.
I have also recieved applications from aupairs asking for £120-£180 per week recently for 25hrs a wk i think its a little excessive,told one girl for that i could hire a part time nanny with training,plus she has put herself in tax bracket,she got quite cross and told me she was experienced as she had been an aupair before in usa.Am i right in thinking they work much longer hours in usa?

Dacs · 24/09/2009 12:49

Hi, my advise, get rid. Normally it does not get better. Just had a completely useless au pair who left after 1.5 weeks. We had several au pairs in the past and they all had the same briefing. 2 were excellent, 2 were ok, 2 were a disaster. The last one was supposed to look after our 3 year old boy 2 days a week during the day and 3 days a week from 3-5:30pm after his nursery. During the 3 days while he was at nursery she was asked to clean his room, her bathroom, help with ironing and hoover once a week - this was made very clear in the job description and I talked her through it during the interview. The good au pairs finished these jobs in less than 2-3 hours and had the rest of the time of. This one already broadcast on the internet that we were keeping her as our slave!! She treated our house as a hotel - never offered help with anything, did not clean and tidy up after our son and when we asked her to do so she did it badly and took clearly no interest and pride in her work. Luckily she did us the favour and left otherwise she would have been fired at the end of this week.

We (my husband and I) obviously discussed were it all went wrong because we had a good interview with her in person. My experience is that they may read the job description but don't really understand what it means. They want to be treated like adults but they really are kids. We are quite pragmatic about APs now. You cannot look into their heads and hearts and you don't really know until they live with you if they are good or not. But when they do not work out and do not fit in with the family we do not loose too much sleep over it anymore and move on. It is of course always a hassle but that's our experience.

Totallyfloaty35 · 23/09/2009 16:06

Yes i agree if they moving from previous family because contract ended or another good reason they usually pretty good,also they are happy for you to speak to old family anyway.Its the ones that dont want you to that are the problem.

Millarkie · 23/09/2009 15:30

In defence of some au pairs already in the UK, I have one and she is fab - best au pair we've had. Moved from her old family to see more of the UK after a year there. We have also known au pairs to be 'let go' by local families after changes in circumstances (e.g. redundancy) although in those circumstances you would expect the family to be bending over backwards to recommend them.

HarrietTheSpy · 23/09/2009 13:03

The other scenario is that they've had six months au pair experience and now feel that they're ready for a full-time nanny job on the same salary (i.e. four hundred plus a week) that a trained nanny with a couple of years sole charge experience would be getting.

Totallyfloaty35 · 23/09/2009 12:49

The problem with aupairs already here is that they have already(usually) been with a family and not got on....i find that some have several families for a reason never employ one who wont tell you why they left last family,or let you talk to that family.

Original poster
booreeve · 23/09/2009 12:31

Yes definately will do face to face next! On paper, she was fantastic, seemed nice on the phone, references checked out......but you can't tell until you meet them.
Feel terrible about looking for replacements while she's still here, but I'm sure if she was unhappy she would do the same.....

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