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Original poster

Struggling with new au pair

35 replies

DeeMc · 29/08/2009 17:12

OK. This is a bit of a rant but I am prone to dramatic flounces and hyperbole so need to run this past other Mumsnetters who have had an au pair.

Our au pair has been with us nearly 3 weeks. she is very quiet. I pretty much don't get a response about well, anything really. She's not surly or moody just quiet and reserved. It is quite hard work but I think it's cultural and I am willing to work on this BUT...

It is my son's birthday today -- 7. He's been sooooo excited all week, we made/iced a cake yesterday etc. ect. and I told the au pair exactly what we were going to do today. Grandparents coming down, party at a farm park. She was welcome to join us.

Well, basically, we all left the house at 10:30 this morning and she didn't even put her nose out of her room to wish my son a Happy Birthday. I am fuming. I completely understand that weekends are her own time, and while it would of been very thoughtful of her to offer to help us get picnic etc. ready this morning when we were under pressure, I appreciate that Sat/ sun are her own time. HOWEVER, I am very annoyed that she didn't think to even wish one of her two charges Happy Birthday, let alone buy him a card, let alone come with us and meet some of the friends / Mum in his class.

We got back at 4, she is now out. needless to say no card etc. etc.

AM I being unreasonable by being upset by this?

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BubbaAndBump · 29/08/2009 18:41

I was an au-pair many moons ago, and definitely got involved with family things and eventually felt very much part of their family (so much so they were invited to our wedding), however the beginning few weeks were a bit daunting with a LOT of info to take in and learning a new language was knackering. Could she have any linguistic reasons for maybe not having understood? Also, are you sure she was at home and awake when you left? Also, the family always asked me to join them on family things at the weekends, and sometimes I joined them, other times I desperately needed a break from their (four) gorgeous children.

See how it develops. I certainly wouldn't confront her about it as it'll not help at this early stage, but, on the whole, YANBU for being upset - I'd expect a stranger in the street to wish a happy birthday to one of my DCs if they knew it was their birthday...

Original poster
DeeMc · 29/08/2009 18:35

Thanks for your input everyone -- you've given me lots to think about.

She came back a while ago and asked him how his party went.

OP posts:
Bink · 29/08/2009 18:10

I think:

  • she might have been embarrassed about not having got him a card (nearly 3 weeks, in a new job, new place, new family, new everything, is not too long to have missed the time to get a card) - hence keeping out of your way entirely;
  • she might have been meaning to get to know him well enough to think of a present, and has not been able to find something, and is now embarrassed (all as above);
  • she may not feel she knows you well enough to tell whether you meant it when you invited her, so is keeping out of your way because she's confused;
  • she may not feel she knows you well enough to trust you not to have made it a "working" day if she did come with you - perhaps she's been taken advantage of before and this time she wants to protect her down time right from the beginning;
  • she may have been left out of birthday stuff in her previous family, so thinks it's appropriate to leave you alone this time. This isn't so improbable - I know lots of nannies who get left out of their charges' birthdays parties - the parents think it's fine, and the nanny's really hurt.
FabBakerGirlIsBack · 29/08/2009 17:57

YAB a bit U.

She has only been with you for 3 weeks.

There is still time for her to wish him a happy birthday. She might be out getting him something.

I wouldn't expect she wants to spend her weekend free time with people she doesn't know and why should she help make a picnic for you?

LaurieFairyCake · 29/08/2009 17:56

Of course it's not terrible. Those are your feelings and are perfectly valid.

However her choosing not to do it is also ok as she's not working.

Hopefully you are happy with her work when she's working - you haven't said if you are happy with the way she's bonding with your son during work time?

mummalish · 29/08/2009 17:54

You should remember that she does not love him the way you do, or have tremendous feelings for him (probably hard for a mum to understand).

Also, being young, it probably did not even cross her mind to help you prepare your picnic, the way she thinks is probably very different to the way you think.

She may be just trying to get to grips with living with a family, finding her feet etc. She clearly doesn't have social awareness yet, but if she is very young, and has just come to a new country, what do you expect?

Original poster
DeeMc · 29/08/2009 17:52

Yes, I would have thought more of her if she had wished him a Happy Birthday. Is that so terrible!?

As I said in my post I fully understand that weekends are her own time and I completely respect that. I have been very careful to ensure she understands that wekeends are her own time. If she'd offered to help with picnic I would have been, yes, very very grateful. But I wouldn't expect her to have offered.

All I wanted was her to poke her head out and say Happy Birthday, have a good party. Simply to bond better with my son. BTW she's worked as an au pair for a year in the US.

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 29/08/2009 17:39

If I was an au-pair and young I would probably not come out of my room to wish him Happy Birthday as I would assume that it was family time and not to interfere/intrude. I would think you were only being polite by inviting me.

I would instead ask on my next working day whether he had a good birthday.

Frankly I think you have no right to ask anything of anyone who is not working on that day. It seems from your post that you would have thought more of her if she had offered to help you pack a picnic/offered to come/wished him happy birthday.

She is either working or she isn't.

ReneRusso · 29/08/2009 17:35

You are not being unreasonable at all. She sounds like she is a bit lacking in any basic social skills. We had an au pair like that, thankfully for quite a short time. She just saw the whole set up as somewhere to live and didn't take any interest in the children. However, maybe she will surprise you and show up with a card and a present later on?

nbee84 · 29/08/2009 17:32

I think we had a similar thread to this recently. Au pair/charges birthday/not joining in/no card.

No, I think that Yanbu to feel a bit upset by it - but I think the other thread pointed out reasons (some cultural I think) why she may not have joined in.

I'll go and have a dig around and see if I can find the other thread.