Struggling with new au pair

bluegreen, i think you hit the nail on the head as we say. thats the root of so many issuses i would have thought.

AS you say its her own time, so if she wants to spend all day with no contact with the family that is down to her. Lets put it another way if I had an employee at work whose birthday was at the weekend I wouldn't be phoning them up to wish them a happy birthday.

Also on the other thread it was established that in a lot of Europe cards are only sent to people you wouldn't be seeing on the day.

She did come out and ask if his party went OK so no I don't think her social skills are underdeveloped - she was on a day off - give her a break.

The problem here with the familes is that they(most of them) want their Aupairs to think like them and do things the way they do and love the kid/s the way they love.

The thing is they have different personalities then you have, different way of eating, doing things etc. and you can not expect from anyone that includes your aupair to change that because you empoyed them. You dont own them! I feel so sorry for those aupairs who has unreasonable families!

Maybe be careful what you wish for - have you seen the other thread about the nanny candidate that doesn't shut up? We have an au pair coming at the end of Sept and I know I'd prefer to have someone who expects to entertain herself at the weekends frankly. The person who went along to the birthday party one her day off may well be the person who expects you to take them EVERYWHERE with you, and I think you'll feel better about this situation if you think of how that would make you feel.

If you wanted her involvement/help, you need to offer her a bit more pocket money I reckon.

I agree a happy birthday was in order though.

Shes just a kid, she wouldnt understand how important your sons birthday is to you and why would she?

Why would she want to see you on her day off? no offence!

she wished him happy birthday, thats enough isnt it?

Summersun most kids social skills are 'underdeveloped, thats why they are kids?

If a parent wants Mary Poppins then pay for a nanny.

Yes she saw him later.
See OP's update at 18:35:51

no I wouldn't expect her to get up and wish him a Happy B'day, but to not seek him out the entire day is just rude... or have I got this wrong and she saw him later?
caterpilarr, nope, all my AP's have loved having a fuss made of them on their b'day. Most people do.

If she was up and awake and hanging round the house and didn't acknowledge the birthday, then fair enough - that is rude. If she was asleep/enjoying a lie in, then I do think it's a bit much to expect her to get up early to say Happy Birthday. When I was in my teens/early twenties I was never up before midday at the weekend.

I think YABU. I wouldn't expect our APs to be awake at 10.30 on a weekend or to want to come on their birthday treats and certainly not to want to meet their classmates/mums.
Our APs have tended to take a good month to settle in to our family and I don't expect too much for that first month.

People do not send cards in all countries but I think that birthdays are marked almost everywhere, by almost everyone. In any case, the OP had made it pretty clear that this was a big day for the little boy (grandparents coming, party etc.) so she must have been completely insensitive not to have realized that some small gesture on her part would have been appropriate. Yes, it was her day off but would it have killed her to have come out, spent 10 or 15 minutes making a fuss of the boy, asking what presents he got etc. and then to retire back to her room, gracefully?
I would expect even a 16-year old to know that much.

why are you all questioning her social skills - what if she comes from somewhere where bdays are not a big deal or something?

@ DeeMc:

I don't think that you are being unreasonable in the slightest. Wishing someone Happy Birthday seems basic - very basic - good manners. I think that your AP's social skills seem rather underdeveloped.

I hope that things will get better; otherwise this could turn out to be trying year for you.

And I hope that your son had a GREAT birthday anyway!!

She was probably still asleep at 10.30am on her day off! She did ask him about his party when she saw him.

I expect she values family-free time on her day off, and probably feels you value au pair-free time at the weekend and didn't want to intrude on your family day. Maybe the family she au paired for previously didn't want her joining them on their family time - lots of families don't want to spend time with the au pair in the evening or at weekends.

I don't think it's unreasonable for her not to buy a present, and buying cards for someone you see on the day is quite a British thing. I have been an au pair in the past, and my boss was similarly upset that I had chosen not to stay for one of the children's birthday party on my day off - but from my point of view I saw the children all week, the last thing I wanted to do on a Saturday was hang out with 15 overexcited toddlers!

And as youngsters like their sleep, 10.30 would have been way to early to get up just to wish the birthday boy a happy one.

ingles, have you ever thought about that they might not like you doing a big thing on their birthday? i know i am in minority here but i would hate that.

ingles, I think that's not quite fair given the circs - it sounds as if as soon as the AP saw the son (which was in the afternoon)she DID acknowledge the birthday (by asking after his party).

It sort of boils down to whether the AP ought to have known to get up in time to wish the boy happy birthday before the family went off for the day ... I don't think that by still being asleep at 10.30 she was doing anything so very bad!

We lived in Spain for over 3 years and the children went to Spanish schools. I got the impression that the Spanish don't do cards, or maybe far away relatives/friends. We mixed with people from other countries and it seems it is only the British who send cards. I think its a cultural difference, that's all.

Having had many AP's in the past, I would have been very upset for my son not to have a Happy Birthday greeting from the AP. I'm not talking presents, cards just a greeting.
It's not hard for an AP worth her salt to understand what a huge deal it is to the dc's that there is a new temporary part of the family, that they are involved in birthdays etc.
I know things have changed recently and AP's are more employees now, but in the past I've made a big thing when it's the AP's b'day, cake, tea, presents, the whole shebang, because they're not with their own family.
It's just basic rudeness to not bother wishing your son a Happy Birthday and shows just how little regard she has for her charges I'm afraid.

how is she supposed to know to get him a card? i found this a very british (and weird) thing to do. in my country you only send cards to people who are far away, not the ones you live with.
how is she supposed to know you would have liked her to join in the celebrations? or even that you would have appreciated her to help? while i would love to celebrate my charges birthday if i was not invited i would feel it was not appropriate to join in on my days off.

It is her day off.

She doesn't have to think about you at all.

It can be a cultural thing as well. DH is Danish. He never does cards, etc. His family do not do them, neither do his friends. They all seem confused when I send them out at Christmas, for example.

You did say you were hoping she would offer to help with the picnic

Would you want to work on your day off?