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Original poster

Comments re: pay off new boss

41 replies

mananny · 28/08/2009 07:45

I have a quick question, what are all of your ways of dealing with someone who says to you on at least a couple of occasions that they could get a Filipina for less and I ought to be grateful? My new Dadboss has made several comments along these lines about "how much" I cost them and tbh it's making me really uncomfortable. They've paid me weekly for my first 2 weeks and I have worked non stop for 13 days so far with very little time off and no extra pay (have wrangled some time off in lieu in a couple of weeks)... they are paying the agreed amount in the contract (which we all signed 2 months ago) so there are no surprises or anything. Plus he's had me pay the small fee for the direct payment into my bank account. They are not short of money at all, but I'm beginning to see a pattern of tightness and pennypinching which concerns me, in that if I did do overtime etc I don't think they would willingly pay me. Mumboss is ok, she's very busy and appreciative of my help, it's just comments from Dadboss that are unsettling me. We are having an end of first month review next week, would I be out of bounds saying to them that these sort of comments are not helpful and in fact make me concerned that they will honour the contract as time goes on? I mean if Dadboss really feels that way, maybe he should have not employed me but found someone cheaper??? Ugh, I have gone above and beyond this last 7 days helping over 12 hours a day with a house move that wasn't part of the original deal, and also helping get their colicky 2 month old into a routine and sleeping through the night, and now I feel totally unvalued by the person who, it appears, is very begrudgingly handing over my pay each week.

Any advice on how to deal with this would be much appreciated.

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Earlybird · 31/08/2009 04:27

Sorry you're in such a tricky situation. Think Bink has given some stellar advice.

CarGirl · 30/08/2009 13:59

He sounds truly awful. Could the retort of "Your U.S. sense of humour really isn't funny is it!" Will hopefully confuse him for a bit if nothing else.

limonchik · 30/08/2009 13:39

I would be tempted to ask him next time he says something "are you having financial difficulties and struggling to afford me?".

Original poster
mananny · 30/08/2009 09:48

I actually asked the agency who placed me what I should do, and their advice was in the first instance to ensure my contractual rights are being met, ie pay etc and make sure I get fair time off in lieu for all the extra hours I have done. Next on the list is to ignore his comments, as he wants a rise/reaction to help make him feel the Big Man. If I do respond in any way to make sure it is when Mumboss is around so she can a) hear HIS comments to me firsthand and b) be a witness to my (hopefully) controlled response! If his comments keep flying and I feel bullied (rather than unsettled/annoyed at the mo) I will ask to have a formal chat with them and take it from there. The agency have been great, very supportive, and totally agree that they hired me based on my ability to do a very good job with their baby, and that any comments re my pay/Filipina's/how "lucky" I am/how much I "owe" them are totally unwarranted and cause for me to hand in my notice. I just don't understand why so many people bow down to this guy, yes he's rich and charming but on the inside he's just a spoilt little boy. I think even Mumboss is often treated to the gems I have had passed my way, about how lucky she is. It's her choice to put up with it though. Maybe the amazing house and lifestyle are worth it to her. Although she has a very senior post in an international company too and so brings a lot to the table herself. Her attitude is a lot more reasonable though, and she at least says thanks to me several times a day, which means more to me than a huge salary. Gratitude is free. More people should use it.

Anyway, this will be a very good character building exercise Oligo! And my CV does say I like a challenge

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Oligo · 29/08/2009 22:22

Not that you should just put up with this but if you stand up to him and he feels threatened by it or thinks you might eventually leave because of it, you should at least consider the possibility that he might just ask you to leave (reject you rather than be rejected by (expend energy on) staff) and your reference might suffer- from what i've read he doesn't seem type to play fair. I would make sure mum witnesses anything you say to him along the lines of sticking up for yourself.

Other than that if you want to stay just view it as character building, an observing people experience and a challenge. That way you can keep emotional distance. But in general life is too short to stay in a miserable job if you have other options. The longer you stay and then if you eventually leave due to these things it could be more difficult to find something else.

aGalChangedHerName · 29/08/2009 07:14

Not the same situation,but i am a CM and i have had parents make comments about fees they pay after the contract starts.

IE when i was going abroad on holiday/getting new kitchen or anyhting really i have had comments along the lines of, god a holiday abroad? We are obviously paying you too much etc.

Cheeky bastards!!

Original poster
mananny · 29/08/2009 07:08

Hi, they are a US family that live/work between the US and Europe, but we are living in the Netherlands where they can get a childcare allowance tax credit.

I used to live in Boston, but thanks to stricter immigration and lack of funds on my part I couldn't stay

Took this job as the parents were lovely at interview, the Mum still is, they seemed very accommodating, really keen to have me and offered me the job on the spot so they could "snap me up". My contract, like I said, was signed and sealed before the baby was even born, so I (maybe naively) assumed yay all is well! The job in and of itself is very good, challenging but I knew from the get go looking after a newborn is tough, 5.5 days a week is long, and I negotiated a fair salary and benefits etc. It is the Dadboss's comments that are ruining it for me. I think he is a bully and I have not really experienced workplace bullying before so I want it to stop before it really starts IYSWIM? I don't want to leave unless it really becomes an issue, as I like everything other than his comments/attitude and if there's a way to distance myself (physically and/or emotionally) from his general obnoxiousness then that's what I will do. He does leave me to it, and so I hardly ever see him, and so if I can learn techniques to deal with him when I do see him that would work. I do need to re-establish some boundaries at my review and make it clear that if they don't want to pay above and beyond the agreed contract, they will lose some of the flexibility I have offered thus far. My time off is precious and they need to respect it by paying for it not expecting me to do it out of love for their baby/gratitude for having a slate tiled wetroom.

Sorry this is so long, and thanks for all your advice so far. I hope I'm not on here in a few days/weeks/months looking for a new job!

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nbee84 · 28/08/2009 19:03

Good point I read it that he was American but over here - but reading back I realise it doesn't at all

annh · 28/08/2009 19:00

Mananny works in the US so I think when she talks about tax credits she is not talking about anything that any of us are familiar with at all!

LynetteScavo · 28/08/2009 18:59

Oh I see....probably an equivalent US scheme.

FabBakerGirlIsBack · 28/08/2009 18:58

This will only get worse.

If you stand up to him he will bully you as it will piss him off no end.

If you don't, it will get worse.

Leave.

nbee84 · 28/08/2009 18:52

I think mananny may mean childcare vouchers rather than tax credits.

Childcare vouchers are a scheme whereby you can avoid paying tax on a proportion of your income to pay for registered childcare. More in formation here

LynetteScavo · 28/08/2009 18:39

What's this about tax credits paying your wages...how does that work?

FiveGoMadInDorset · 28/08/2009 18:30

I would leave.

Bink · 28/08/2009 18:27

If you already find him intimidating, I would be very careful (contrary to what others have said below) about calling him directly on these comments, either when he makes them or at a formal review chat - the automatic thing these people shoot back with is "can't you take a joke?" or they say (in a snide, not sympathetic, way) that you're too "sensitive", and then you'll feel even more bullied and helpless. Ugh. Remember, this is what he does for a living - he'll be very very practised at making people feel wrong-footed and in his power, and then even more wrong-footed for minding. More ugh. The other thing is that you won't, I think, actually be able to stop him saying these things - they likely pop out before he's engaged his brain.

A very well-tested way of dealing with workplace bullying (which is what this is going to turn into, if it isn't already) is "half-agreeing" - to the bathroom comment you say airily "Luxury indeed! it's the baby I picked the job for, though, you know". It takes the wind out of his sails, and better than that, it talks back to him with the kind of confidence he respects.

I agree with Athene, too, that you should "big yourself up" (unfortunately, he'll respect that too, it's his world). Mention in passing how much poaching of wonderful English nannies you've heard goes on ...

If it goes on being not a great job, though, do be prepared to look elsewhere.

BlingLoving · 28/08/2009 16:53

He's a VC? Okay. Not sure how well he can be doing right now, but that's a seperate issue I guess. But really, he probably is used to people being grateful for his patronage. If you're some piss pot little business operating out of your garage and this guy comes along and offers you a couple of million to get up and running, I bet you do toady up to him. So it's even worse - he thinks that your behaviour is weird because he's not used to dealing with people like you.

Even more reason to practice a couple of come backs to jolt him back to reality.

Original poster
mananny · 28/08/2009 16:41

Athene you are spot on. Except he's a New York capital venturist rather than banker. He has no clue about the wee ones at all. Asked if he could give her a piece of bagel to suck on yesterday. Hates it when she cries, has no patience. Leaves me to get on with it (which is great).

Blingloving, I totally agree. I want him to take me seriously as he hired me as a professional and I need him to get over himself and treat me as one. I think he does think he's funny. But he also thinks he's God's gift to the universe and therefore I should bow down and weep with gratitude at the opportunity I have been given to serve him. Um. NO.

I will bear your respones in mind, they are great thanks!

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BlingLoving · 28/08/2009 16:29

Also, I feel that if you address this in your review, you run the risk of being told you're "over sensitive" and that he's "just joking" and then the new comments start, "Ooh, I better not say anything about the bathroom, mananny gets upset...".

BlingLoving · 28/08/2009 16:27

I think your arguments are all sound. HOwever, before actually making it formal via your review process, I would attempt to address it firmly but casually in passing.

He says, "Why do you pay me so much, I can a philipino nanny for half the price"
You say, "Of course that's your choice - please let me know if you'd to give me notice so that I can go ahead and find a new position with a family that is happy to pay for the service".

He says, "you're getting a luxury bathroom which is a whole lot extra on your pay"
You say, "Yes, I enjoy live in positions because although the base pay is lower I find the convenience of being close to the family and the children I care for is worth it.".

I think a lot of people make these comments because they misguidedly think they are a) funny and b) that you should be grateful and c) can get away with it. So you have to nip it in the bud asap.

AtheneNoctua · 28/08/2009 16:26

Oh, incidentally, I have an English friend who was once an au pair / nanny to a banker family outside New York and she says that she was their status symbol, being an "English nanny". There might be some of that goin on at your family too. One of her jobs was to get up early on Saturday morning and sit inthe hall and make sure the children didn't go in and wake the parents up too early.

AtheneNoctua · 28/08/2009 16:24

So what does this guy do for a living? I'm picturing a New York banker who doesn't know squat about little babies. Probably thinks they are women's work.

Original poster
mananny · 28/08/2009 16:19

You are so right about the power trip thing, he talks appallingly to his "staff" and totally gets away with the whole Big Man act. I am just going to tell him that after 12 years experience and amazing references that vouch for my professionalism and ability to do an amazing job, I expect to be treated with due respect, which means no comments and graciously paying me my fair and agreed salary. If he wants a cheaper form of childcare then he should let me know sooner rather than later, so we can all make the appropriate arangements. I will point out how eager he was to "snap me up" based on the fact I am a very good nanny, and ask him to please outline any concerns he has on my performance thus far. But really he has nothing to complain about at all. His 2 month old daughter, who is a colicky and gassy baby, was all over the place when I started. Now she is in a great routine, sleeps 730pm til midnight, feeds then sleeps through til around 630am, she is a happy chubby little bundle when she isn't colicky. I am quite proud with how well she is doing thanks to the relentlessly long hours I have devoted to getting her settled into a routine that works for both her and her very busy and demanding parents. My contract states she is my sole priority and on this point alone I feel I have performed really well.

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AtheneNoctua · 28/08/2009 16:05

I think people like this exist in all lines of work. If I were in your place I would just turn the whole thing round. Keep telling him what a fab nanny you are and what a good deal he has. Why he says something snotty, I would politely dish it right back. I think guys like this have power trip / satisfaction thing going on when they treat people this way. And sometimes not always but sometimes you earn their respect by standing up for yourself.

You have nothing to lose really. You aren't happy. Tell him what your boundaries are.

But, it is very important to keep your cool and not get upset or emotional about it.

Don't make that monkey/peanut comment. That would piss me off. And you objective is not to make him mad. It is to demand his respect.

Original poster
mananny · 28/08/2009 15:52

They are using a payroll service to do all my taxes etc, and they are getting tax credits to cover some of my pay, so it's not like I am bankrupting them... as far as the overtime goes I have got some time off in lieu booked for next month, which I am ok with as I work 5.5 days a week and so a couple of long weekends will be great. My salary is not extortionate for the hours I do, but is a lot compared to their friends Filipina nannies. But they chose to hire me for my experience and references etc, and he wanted a "proper nanny not a Filipina" (their words not mine)... so I don't understand his attitude at all. Quite bizarre and unreasonable. Yet he just introduced me to one of his colleagues as "our wonderful British nanny" ... I am starting to think he wants to have his cake and eat it, which is most definitely not going to happen. Can't wait to have a little "chat" later. I do have slight PMT which has given me temporary balls. but I am in the right here, most definitely, and so I don't feel too bad about bringing these things to his attention.

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turtle23 · 28/08/2009 15:31

If your pay was agreed with no discussion of this fee UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES should you pay it. What next, that they need to pay an accountant to do your taxes and you should pay that? No, not in the contract means no. Also, you are doing a lot of overtime...are you being paid extra for this? Didn't think so. Make sure you are standing up for what is yours or they will know that you will go along with whatever they want. Do not be scared of them. They NEED you.