Advice needed on getting the au pair 'relationship' right?

Onions. I have a schedule which tells them what to do when. That would resolve your hoovering when friends are around problem. We try to make us feel they are part of the family but not in the family IYSWIM.. ie welcome to join us at certain times but we expect them to be independent at others. Certainly in the evening I tell then I am around until 9pm then I will be going in the sitting room with DH and that room is off limits. I make a joke that I need adult and personal time with DH. They are welcome to stay in the family room and watch TV but I find most are glad to be able to go out or go off to their room and internet/watch movies etc. Maybe your AP doesn't want to be rude and think its more polite to hang around you?

Onions, your aupair needs to make his own friends asap. Lol at his standing around listening in a creepy way.

I don't really mind aupairs hanging around when I have guests round, but I did not find them creepy. Apart from initial polite interest from us, it would be quite boring for a young adult to hang around families and children. They should be out with their friends instead.

Do you know any other families in the area who use aupairs that you could suggest he meet up with. Or attend ESOL classes to meet people. One of my aupairs (female though) got lots of attention at our local pub.

If you prefer him to clear out, I would just tell him. You risk putting him off though, so distracting him with friends might be better, if you can encourage that.

Hi Onions, the tricky thing about an aupair relationship (as opposed to nanny or mother's help) is precisely the bit about them being part of the family, as well as being an employee during their contracted hours.

How I deal with it is to provide facilitate their needs eg food/board (obviously), help them to get onto language classes or travel around (London, in our case), make friends and decode English behaviour! But I don't provide their social life or become too friendly with them that it is difficult to lay down the law when I need to. I made that mistake with my cleaner and was not going to repeat it with the aupairs.

My alarm bells started ringing when you wrote that your aupairs find it hard to take instructions from you or respect you as their boss. I have a written daily schedule and rules and regulations which I go through with them when they arrive. I would expect them to follow the schedule to a T and try to raise any issues as soon as possible in a matter-of-fact way eg I would like you to wake up on time, not be even 5 minutes late, here is the alarm clock.

If they do not listen after a few times or sulk or show unhappiness to my face, I would be looking to get rid of them. I don't feel I have to put up with this under my roof.

Like squiffy, I take a lot of time choosing the aupairs and ask many many questions and try to give them as full as picture of what life is like in the blueshoes' household as much as possible before she accepts. In fact, taking tips from squiffy's list right now.

I have had 3 aupairs so far, 2 very good and one adequate. But no one was insubordinate. A lot of it is still luck.

Hey CO
Is your male AP your first? I strongly considered male but didnt find the right one and ended up choosing a girl

Eek, when I was an au pair a decade ago I wouldn't have qualified under any of those headings... I was 18, an only child, my mother didn't work, I had never had a paid job, and I had never left home (would a 2 week French exchange at 14 have counted?). I think I was a pretty good au pair though - am still in touch with the family!

"Must have siblings"

This interests me too, as I am such a softie and know I will lean towards the 'part of the family' thigng, when maybe thats not the right hing to do ....

At the risk of generalising I think you get certain patterns of behaviour for certain ages/nationalities, and it is impossible to change. I find that the younger girls and only children and those who have never previously held down a job, and the ones whose own mothers don't work are generally pretty hopeless, regardless of whether they are really keen and enthusiastic or not - they just don't get the frames of reference to work out what is/isn't acceptable behaviour. I appreciate of course that there are always exceptions to the rule.

FWIW I always treat them as part of family and not employees in terms of how they fit in, but I am very strict about who I get in the first place. If I can't check the following I don't employ...

1. 20

2. held down a job previously (even if only working in McDonalds)
3. Must have siblings
4. Must have working mum
5. Must have spent time away from home (even if only for a few weeks on student exchange or similar)

For the last year I have also limited my hunt to Uni educated males from certain countries, but that's just me being picky (and having an aversion to teenage girly hormones)

it is the little things that annoy though

I had 2 lovely girls who were a part of the family but also had the ability to listen to what we were saying and act upon it.

We also had a dreadful girl who looked so grumpy every time we asked her to do or not do something! She was hard work and in the end we asked her to leave early as I was dreading even being in the same room as her.

will be interested to see the responses - but no advice I'm afraid.