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Original poster

have you ever been left by a nanny?

39 replies

margobambino · 28/07/2009 22:33

I am feeling a bit weird. We hired part time nanny first time and after a couple of days she phoned me in the evening to tell me that she cannot work in our home environment implying that we are being overprotecting with safety gates, corner covers etc. She basically implied that my home environment is pathological. At the moment I am feeling a bit sad and self conscious.
Anybody had similar experience? Or can you tell me something to make me feel better

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Original poster
margobambino · 31/07/2009 00:21

Thanks you all for your very supportive posts. I feel much better now.
It seems she was making excuses really. FabBakerGirlIsBack, you are so right. I am not going to contact her again. What she did was definitely inappropriate and it is really a big deal for me to leave my son with a stranger. If she was a good nanny, she would show me a bit patience. HarrietTheSpy, you are right too, I am not going to give her that satisfaction.
I will find a decent nanny hopefully soon.

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HarrietTheSpy · 29/07/2009 22:12

Don't give her the satisfaction of asking for any further "insights." I agree with Laquitar in the sense that it's so much better she left earlier rather than later.

nouveaupauvre · 29/07/2009 21:53

agree i think she got a better job offer and was looking for excuses!
whether or not she agreed or disagreed with your parenting style (and if she did, then as several posters have pointed out, better you know this now than several months of arguments down the line) i find the nursery comment weird. i dont think in two visits she could have so thoroughly assessed your son and your parenting as to decide she knew better than you what childcare is right for your son, so i'd just ignore that. please dont worry and carry on looking for another nanny with whom you are on the same wavelength.

surreylady · 29/07/2009 18:38

sounds like an excuse to me - I once had a nanny phone the night before she was due to start and say she did not need the job now as the current employers had decided to stump up extra monies so that she didn't need to work the other couple of days - we were very short of a paddle at this point - your lady may well have had more than one job offer and was test driving them or similar I know it does happen - after such a short time she really couldn't make such judgements about you IMO - it is a lucky escape but a real pain I know from experience - we offered to another on the short list - she stayed with us 7 years in total - hope you find the right person for you soon.

Blondeshavemorefun · 29/07/2009 18:28

sounds like you had a lucky escape tbh

stair gates are good and the odd plug cover, and bleach etc to be childlocked

tbh you cant childproof your whole house and children need to lesrn no

nannynick · 29/07/2009 18:08

For those looking for the Plug Sockets info, I found this on the Telegraph's website:
Electrical Socket Safety Covers are "absurd and dangerous" says engineers" 23-Mar-2009

FabBakerGirlIsBack · 29/07/2009 15:26

I definitely would not contact this nanny again to ask her what she thought. She has acted completely inappropriately so why should you care what she thinks.

I honestly think you should be around as much as you want when the nanny first starts. A good nanny will know that mum wants to see nanny and child together to see how things are, and not mind her being around. It is a big deal to leave your child with a stranger.

I have been a nanny and am a mum now so can see both sides a bit.

Laquitar · 29/07/2009 15:22

I know a nanny who refused to work in a house because there was NOT stairgate. Tbh i find that more reasonable, stairgates make the nanny to feel more relaxed.

But in the end of the day it is all about having similar approaches, seems like you did not. It does NOT mean that one of you is wrong or bad with children . In your shoes i would be happy that she was so frank and she left now before the child bonds with her.

Although i would like to ask her what she meant by that comment

Original poster
margobambino · 29/07/2009 14:49

Oligo, this is really interesting. It makes sense to me too. Another thing to search about

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PixiNanny · 29/07/2009 14:32

Oligo: really? That's interesting to know! I'll see if I can find something about that I must admit though that it makes sense, I assume that newer plug sockets would have a safety feature that could be activated by pressure points in the socket itself and would be turned off if something plug shaped were put in? Hm...

DrEvil · 29/07/2009 13:44

Hi,

I don't have any specific nanny advice, but I did want to mention that I have a 4 yr old and my ds2 is 30 months (so 2 1/2 ish) and we still have stair gates and no intention of taking them down yet!

My ds2 is the most accident prone child ever and whilst I, a bit like you like to let him rush about in the park or the garden and go on the climbing frame etc without being a helicopter parent, I do worry about the stairs.

I don't think that you are being unreasonable in taking the safety precautions that make you comfortable and the nanny was obviously not the right person for you.

Good luck with starting the recruitment again!

Original poster
margobambino · 29/07/2009 13:14

Thanks nbee84, your post helped me to see what happened from her side. May be she basically did not like us. My DS said he did not like her either
Anyway, we will find someone else and this time I will be much more careful with employing someone who has similar parenting style with us.

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Oligo · 29/07/2009 13:05

someone on here once put up a link about the false security of plug covers and showed how they can in fact make uk sockets more dangerous by inactivating the inbuilt safety mechanism. Just tried to find it but can't- far too much stuff in my favourites folder.

nbee84 · 29/07/2009 13:04

It sounds like a very 'hollow' reason as to why she doesn't want to work for you and it does sound like it may be just an 'excuse'.

Maybe after spending those 2 days with you she felt that she could not live up to the expectations you require from a nanny. Maybe she felt that she didn't agree with your parenting style. Maybe she felt that she didn't like you.

Sorry if I sound a bit harsh saying that, I'm not meaning to critcize you so please don't take offense. But as a nanny it is such a close working relationship that you really do need to have a good relationship between nanny and employer for it to be successful in the long term and sometimes you just don't hit it off with a parent (hopefully most people will establish that at the interview stage). You need to have similar parenting styles for it to work. In my current job the parents are stricter than I am around a few issues but because we both have similar values it is easier for me to follow their wishes without feeling I am compromising my views over their childrens upbringing.

The comment about nursery was a step too far imo. That may be her view but it is your child and it is entirely up to you how you parent them.

I think a neutral email asking her to clarify what went wrong and asking her how you could avoid future mistakes in recruiting wouldn't hurt, but if she doesn't reply I wouldn't push it and just chalk it up to experience and hope you are more successful with the next nanny.

Good luck

Original poster
margobambino · 29/07/2009 12:12

No we don't have lots of house rules.
The most interesting thing is she knew everything before she starts. We had invited her twice and showed/explained everthing in detail and even exaggerated possible problems to avoid future dissapointment. For example in the first interview I even said to her that I was an anxious mother and asked whether she would be able to cope with that. She said she was confident as she had lots of experience.
Last night when she phoned me the most annoying thing was that she said this environment at home is not healthy for my son either and this was why she suggested a nursery would be better. I was a bit sleepy when she phoned and couldn't ask what she meant in detail. Do you think I should e-mail and ask now? Now I feel like 'how dare she can say that'.

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PixiNanny · 29/07/2009 12:12

That's a bit petty on her behalf. I was going to say (before I read how old he was) that I'd expect the stair gates until at least two, if not 12ish months longer because some kids are just a bit clumsy Childminders are expected to have them and tbh I'd expect homes to have at least the stairgates! Though corner covers and plug covers I'd also expect to see with under 2's...

Maybe it is a little over protective (I personally don't think so really), but better that then your ds get hurt imo!

PaulaAtMummyKnowsBest · 29/07/2009 10:06

do you have lots of "house rules"?

Maybe she wants to be more independant than you're allowing?

I find it very odd behaviour on her part.

HarrietTheSpy · 29/07/2009 00:23

I think it's fine to be around the first couple of days a nanny is settling in, certainly the first. But good to stay out of the way as much as possible.

Original poster
margobambino · 28/07/2009 23:51

Yes I was at home when she was settling in. Is it affecting them negatively? Should I leave them alone at the beginning if we find anew nanny?
Yes, he is taking risks everywhere, he is allowed to play, run, decide where to go. In the parks, when he goes to older children area we go with him though but in age appropriate areas we leave him do whatever he wants to do.

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navyeyelasH · 28/07/2009 23:42

you said,nanny said she "could not work in home environment". If you worked from home that could ahve meant she didn't really like you being at home? Were you home from work when she was settling in?

If not then TBH non eof this makes sense. At 2 yes you should have the stair gates on so you don't have to justify that to us. Do you allow him to take risks outside of the home? ie. if you go to the park do you let him play or do you hover?

It souds to me like she is just making excuses, I'm sure you're doing a brilliant job; don't take it personally.

Original poster
margobambino · 28/07/2009 23:41

.... and yes, she did visit us twice before and I carefully showed and explained everything including the foams and the gates.

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Original poster
margobambino · 28/07/2009 23:36

Hi navyeyelasH, No I don't work from home. Why?

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Original poster
margobambino · 28/07/2009 23:34

Thanks nannynick, you made me laugh No, whole house is not coated in foam We are removing them one by one anyway as soon as we see that he is confident there.
Few months ago my ds was very very active boy, he still is but much better than how he was. MollieO, the accident was not that severe. No hospitalization or intervention was required, but it was severe to me
We are planning to remove the stair gates soon, he manages the stairs. The problem is our house is three storey and the stairs are a bit higher than usual. So although he has been doing well in any other stairs much better since he was 20months he has just managed our stairs. So this is why we are giving him another month with the gates.

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navyeyelasH · 28/07/2009 23:28

Do you work from home?

MollieO · 28/07/2009 23:17

It sounds as if you won't have the stairgates for much longer if your ds is 2. At that age our ds was opening the stairgate. We only had one in his bedroom door recess as no real landing and very steep staircase. That was the clue for me to remove it!

Toddlers do bump themselves, that's normal. How bad was your ds's 'bad accident'? If he was hospitalised then its only reasonable to be very protective.