Am I silly to be upset over this?

I would say it is unusual that you are not invited to ceremony since you have been there 2 years.
Also odd that no one acknowledged that you are not invited when they told you you would wait around in hotel. They could have said e.g. its close family/friends only. You do care for their children, and are in daily contact with them and so are by definition close enough to the family to be considered in this way.

However, as AtheneNoctua said, this consideration would depend on your normal daily relationship with them and how formal the household is etc.

I do take issue with en suite though. Most employees would expect en suite and not necessarily think to ask. It is a budget option. They have a nanny, spending loads on wedding so relatively negligible £ to ensure comfortable night for childrens' wedding carer.

Actually did they know no bathroom when booking or maybe just said they wanted a room?

The problem is I'm sure the couple want someone to help with the children and for it to be someone they know, so they can really relax and enjoy themselves. Ditto for their friends. Do you know their friends very well? Would they need to be looking after you/worried if you're having a good time if you were there as a guest? Probably. Do they need that? No, not really. They've already got family complaining about the seating plan, friends complaining about the child policy, the bridesmaid dresses look minging etc, more than likely.

I think as long as they've discussed terms with you and you've agreed it - particularly when you're looking after all of their mate's children - that's okay. I personally would have found you a room with an en suite, that is one thing.

Don't feel obliged to buy a wedding present by the way!

I suppose it depends purely on the kind of relationship you have with your employers once working hours are over.

I've been a nanny for a few families over the years, in between other childcare jobs and I've had a friendly relationship with all of them tbh.

The family I was working for when I got married were at the church but couldn't make the reception and it was lovely seeing the boys there.

My most recent nannying family invite me to their birthday/Christmas bashes even now after I have finished working for them!

I remember one Christmas party while I was still working there and one of the children came downstairs because they couldn't sleep and I went to comfort them and the father "reminded" me that I was there to enjoy myself, not look after the children!

We had a very professional relationship during working hours though and so I think that the two can be intertwined. Just depends on the people/situation I suppose.

As a governess I expect (and get) a similar standard of accomodation when away to that which I get at home. If I lived in a shared house then I'd be okay with a shared bathroom but they provide me with a flat with a separate bathroom so I expect that when I'm away with them.

I wouldn't expect to attend the ceremony. I'm not inviting them to my actual wedding, although they are coming to a big afterparty.

Having said that if it was special circs like a wedding and not 'normal' travel then I'd insist on a temporary contract and that would have to be agreeable to both parties or I wouldn't be doing it. If they didn't then although I'm contractually obliged to go under my normal contract I'd be working to rule (including accommodation).

If you don't have a temp contract then you work to your original one and I'll bet you there's nothing in there which says you get to be invited to family occasions.

Sofia, you could say the same thing about Americans and tumble dryers or a single faucet (tap). But, this girl presumably isn't American and isn't in America.

I agree that this being a nanny is a more intimate job role than being an engineer or an accountant. But, nannies over here in the UK will go on to no end about how they are employees and they are entitled to this and entitled to that and blah blah blah. Then, when they want the more personal element of the job, they say oh I'm one of the family. It seems they want the benefits of both and the responsibilities of neither. I am om of course generalising and there are many fab nannies around. But, generally speaking the european worker (whether a nanny or not) believes they have a right to be suported by the business. And this attitude does extend to parents who are not big companies. So if parents are to be treated like big corporations, than it's only right that their employees should expect to be treated like the employees whim they keep reminding us they are.

They give and take of an employee-employer relationship is a two way street. I take what I give and I give what I take. If a nanny is taking the mick, slacking off, not looking after my kids properly, you can bet she's not going to get a lot of special favours. She will of course be treated within the limits of the law that governs her employment with me. But, optional comforts might be sacrificed.

I am assuming these parents discussed the room with the nanny beforeit was arranged, and I am assuming the nanny was professional enough to have an honest discussion and and ask some of the details before acepting her week away.

I don't think that treating your nanny with respect and courtesy erodes the employer employee relationship. I also feel that by the very nature of the job, the relationship between the employer and the employee in the case of a nanny has to have different boundaries than those of an employer/employee in a traditional office work environment. None of that precludes the need for the nanny to be honest, hardworking and professional. But a nanny, by the nature of her job, participates in far more intimate parts of a family's life than a chairman of a company and his/her employees. The ensuite bathroom thing is really just a basic standard of comfort that Americans generally view differently than the British.

Liz, I got that impression too. But, it's a tad late to be having these doubts. Presumably she has had a conversation with the parents who asked her to join them, cited the terms, and she accepted. So I think she's crying poor me a little too late.

Oh yes, here we have it. A nanny is entitled to be an employee when it suit sher. But, when it doesn't "oh but I'm hurt I thought I was one of the family". I hear nannies harping on and on all the time about their employment rights. Oh, but now, she's not just an employee....

Which is it?

Sofia, you know I love you, but California has softened your right side. What happened?

Am alone in having the impression , perhaps wrongly, that the Hollynanny's hotel may be a different one to where the Reception and family/other guests will be staying.

seems a bit mean they want you to look after their children and others, yet not invite you to their wedding

and the room with no bathroom/toilet would seriously piss me off

i thought all hotels had en suites - otherwise it is more like a B&B

Indeed Squiffy tho i this case it was unavoidable but i have often accompanied my families on holidays and had the babies with me, in essence a normal work day in sunshine and on hand catering as for sleeping, usually no get ups either

Presumably also you have been spending the weeks leading up to the wedding getting excited about all the arrangements with the family. I can see that having to hang about in the hotel room is hurtful. I don't think this is a misplaced sense of entitlement,I think it's a perfectly reasonable wish to have your feelings considered. You'll have to say so, though.

I think it's a bit mean not to give you an ensuite or at least your own bathroom. I think it's reasonable for your employee to provide like for like accommodation when you are away with them as that you enjoy in your own home (or there's if you live in)

The issue of attending the wedding is different though. Do I expect my boss to invite me to their wedding? Not on your nelly! It doesn't matter that a nanny is a more intimate job, parents have no choice about that do they? Why should they pay out for another meal head count, more drinks etc. Why should they have an employee they've only known 2 years at the most intimate day of their life?

It is NO reflection on you at all, or how fabulous they think you are. It's about drawing a boundary between the personal and the professional, which is perfectly reasonable. They might not want you privvy to the emotion of the day, the details of the best man's speech etc!

Try not to get hung up about being left out. That bit is fine. I would be a bit miffed about the hotel though...

MatNanPlus - that is the kind of hotel 'mistake' that some perents might pay very good money for

As Sofia said, there is a difference between employer-employee relationships in an office environment and relationships between parents and nanny within a family home. I would hope that all of you with nannies and au pairs at home can actually recognise the difference.
With regards to the OP, I understand her feelings totally. She has gone out of her way to give up her life for a week and help out the family with their children and other children at a wedding. In return she will get a crappy room in a hostel type of establishment, possibly a higher hourly rate, maybe 2 pounds more than a normal hourly pay (but wouldn?t hold my breath on that one) and sit at that crappy room during the wedding itself.
It does sound rather uninspiring to me.
I am not sure how many of you going on business trips would be happy to be placed in a hostel instead of at least 3 star hotel, so why should the nanny feel satisfied with the choice.
I wouldn?t choose to stay in a hostel (with no ensuite) myself when I go away so why would I want to when I?m away for work. Then again I would be more understanding if I was told that all rooms with en suites are booked out and obviously wouldn?t expect to be paid for a night in Hilton. But don?t automatically assume that I am happy with it, just because I?m an employee grateful to be working for you and therefore should keep my mouth shut.

I would not be happy about no ensuite. i would never book a room like that for myself so would be peeved

carefully Sofia

Holly if this was all explained at the time then you have to lump it personally, if it wasn't / or things have changed then you need to speak up.

I once accompanied a family on holiday to find that due to a hotel mistake both babies would be in my room as no room in Parents room for 2 cots and double bed ( my room had a single) i just got on with it, nothing the parents could do at 8pm at night and we all survived the 10 days.

I am sorry that in your disagreement with me you feel the need to call me names. That is the kind of thing that I teach my children not to do. Clearly we have a difference of opinion not only on how to treat the person who cares for our children, but how to treat the human beings we come in contact with in the world around us.

I do not agree that the intimate relationship that a nanny has with her/his family is the same as the one that an employee of a large company has with the chairman. However, there is room in this world for all types of people and all types of employers and employees. Hollynanny is free to choose another employer or to stay. I'm sorry she has been upset.

PS. How do you transfer Koi carp from one pond to another?

You're an employee, so have to take what room they pay for I think. Plus as mentioned, the best rooms are probably all gone to guests already. You're there for the kids, not the adults or yourself.. it's a working arrangement.

Yes, you are being silly. The entitlement culture gone mad.

Agree with Squiffy, except I don't see what the big deal is about en suites. Perhaps I'm just a pauper, but when did it become essential to have an en suite? Most of the world manages fine without one. It won't kill you to share a bathroom for a few days, will it? And if it really is beneath you, then pay difference to get an en suite somewhere else.

Sofia, sorry, but you are nuts.

A nanny is an employee. At work, I can't remember getting miffed at not being invited to the Chairman's wedding when he got married. Where on earth does being a professional who competently does a valued job entitle someone to an invite to a wedding? Nowhere.

I absolutely adore my nanny and have said so on these pages many times. She is brilliant with my children. But we have a professional relationship, it does not mean we are lifelong buddies. The people I got married with are the people I hope to still be great friends with in 30, 40 years' time. Loving somebody's ability to care brilliantly with my kids does not mean that they are automatically going to be a great friend of mine. And to be honest, my current nanny would be bored rigid spending a day with my friends.

Hollyn, yes, I am sure it would have been lovely to have been invited to the wedding, but that's not the relationship you have with your host, and you are there to work. So long as you were given the choice of doing this work or not, then I don't think you should get uptight about it(and FWIW I strongly believe that the shared bathroom thing entitles you to have said No if you didn't want to go - assuming of course this shared bathroom thing is for the whole week that you are talking about?). Last Saturday I went to a ball with my husband at a place where he played rugby before I knew him. I didn't know a soul there, had nothing in common with the wives and girlfriends, and spent much of the evening being bored to tears by the wife of the coach (who at one stage gave me a blow by blow account of the transferring of koi carp from one garden pond to another). It is really shit going to events like this where you are not 'one of the gang'.

And of course, the close family will have taken all the best rooms. That's what happens at weddings. And it is nothing to do with you. You would do the same if it was your wedding, especially when people are spending shedloads of money coming from all over the place to be at the wedding.

I would try to ignore any feeling of being slighted, and treat it as just part of work, nothing more, nothing less. Not being invited does not mean they do not hugely value you and your role. Maybe the mum has been a bit insensitive in not realising that you are feeling slighted, and she should maybe have had a chat with you about it all, but in the heat of wedding madness there are a thousand things that slip through the net.

I think it's odd that the person that they entrust with their children's well being, isn't considered worthy of attending their wedding. I would also insist on a hotel room with ensuite bathroom.

I'm not sure why you're upset tbh, this is your work not your social life and presumably you have agreed to it. You do need to make sure you get paid enough though; one person to cover all the childcare they seem to need for that length of time isn't much - will there be other nannys there helping out? Are they paying you extra per hour or per child? If you are not happy with the arragement say so beforehand rather than letting it reach crisis point once you're there.

Whose wedding is this? Is it the couple you're working for that is getting married?
If yes then I do think it would be a bit odd not to invite you to the ceremony. If it's a family wedding (but not theirs) I would not expect to be invited ... I'd treat it as a job instead ... do what I'm supposed to do and get paid.