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Original poster

Am I reasonable in what I am expecting from my au pair?

36 replies

Goggylou · 17/05/2009 22:52

We have had an au pair for a month or so now. It was my second child's first birthday and she sat in her room all day not venturing out once. I must say I was perhaps expecting her to come down and sing happy birthday with us and the grandparents or even to get a card. Am I expecting too much? It was one of her days off. This is my first au pair experience so would be grateful for any guidelines on how much to expect her to integrate with the family.

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RedEmma · 18/05/2009 14:50

Maybe she just wanted a break from someone else's family/children on her day off?

iheartdusty · 18/05/2009 09:57

maybe she just felt she had been with your family all week, and wanted some time alone. It might not have dawned on her, how significant you feel his first birthday would be, and she may have thought 'well there are plenty of people around to fuss over him'.

if you went out in the morning presumably she came down then to get some food, then used her free time to do some things she wanted to do.

DadInsteadofMum · 18/05/2009 09:47

The au pair relationship is a strange one being both employer/employee and expectations about being part of the family; and it is a very fine balancing act for both parties.

At the extremes you could say would I buy my employers DS a card for their birthday (no); at the other extreme would I buy my little sister a birthday card (most years when I remember).

She has only been with you a month and this is your first au pair you are both still feeling your way. I am not going to comment on whose actions I think are right because it will be different in every circumstance, all I can say is when I have a new au pair for the first 1 - 2 months I sit them down at least twice a week for chats, this is what I think you are doing well, this is what I think you need to do better, and just as importantly what can I do to make your life easier, what have the kids done that you object to, just to keep talking.

Finally the days off is always respected, they are always invited to join us but if they say no then thats the end of it, and Ihave learnt not to try and predict when they will say yes and when will they so no au pairs are very unpredictable.

Original poster
Goggylou · 18/05/2009 08:05

I can't quite work out whhat was going on. I realise that she didn't even come down to eat anythng all day yesterday becasue after I went up and saw her at 7 she only came down once to ask my the name of a computer key in English then went back upstairs to stay. She is Italian. not really cultural differences and I speak Italian so no prob understanding.

I asked her this morning if the reason she didn't come down was that she felt she couldn't with my paretns there and she said no.

She is OK with the kids. Good with younger one and seems to really like him. Another reason why I didn't get the no card or even happy birthday thing. And she really doesn't seem shy with others generally.

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bigchris · 18/05/2009 07:40

she sounds lonely to be and perhaps shy
how awful to feel like she should be in her room all day
I suppose she thought she'd been socialable having the family dinners but why didn't she go out? has she friends nearby? I think a card would have been a nice gesture, is she ok in her job in other ways? good with your dd?

FourArms · 18/05/2009 07:37

I'd have expected our French ap to get a card and say happy birthday, but not to join in the party tea unless she wanted to as that might have been quite intimidating.

onadietcokebreak · 17/05/2009 23:28

She should have given a card and a happy birthday at least. What country is she from. Do you know if there are cultural differences?

Original poster
Goggylou · 17/05/2009 23:01

Also we didn't realise she was in the house. She was so quiet when we got back from the shops at lunchtime and we still hadn't seen her by 7pm ! Eventually I went up and called for her just on the off chance she was there totally expecting her to be out.

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Original poster
Goggylou · 17/05/2009 22:57

We went out to the shops in the morning and I asked if she wanted to come too. SHe had dinner with my parents and the rest of the family on Friday night and joined us again yesterday. I told her we would be having a few people round at 3. do you think it is too much to expect a card or even a happy birthday?

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onadietcokebreak · 17/05/2009 22:56

I think she may have not wanted to intrude. Maybe worth talking about in advance in future eg its DS 2nd birthday and we were wondering if you would like to join us for the birthday tea etc....

MissisBoot · 17/05/2009 22:53

Did you ask her to come down? Maybe she didn't want to intrude on a family day?