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Original poster

Am I reasonable in what I am expecting from my au pair?

36 replies

Goggylou · 17/05/2009 22:52

We have had an au pair for a month or so now. It was my second child's first birthday and she sat in her room all day not venturing out once. I must say I was perhaps expecting her to come down and sing happy birthday with us and the grandparents or even to get a card. Am I expecting too much? It was one of her days off. This is my first au pair experience so would be grateful for any guidelines on how much to expect her to integrate with the family.

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Totallyfloaty35 · 21/05/2009 11:56

Goggy,dont let it put you off, i have made some wonderful friends by having aupairs and our lives are def richer for the experience,we have somewhere to stay in about 10 countries to 3 of my previous aupairs came to visit last year and 2 are visiting this summer.I admit some do just make life more difficult but when it clicks its really great.

catepilarr · 21/05/2009 00:39

agree that giving cards to someone who you see onthe day is a very english/british. also i guess for some people birthdays are not such an important event /and that is not cultural i think, simply different habits in different families/ and she probably thought you are just doing your thing while she is doing hers. btw i know that in some families i worked for they would prefer if i was not at the party.

Original poster
Goggylou · 20/05/2009 22:45

Hi,

Thanks for all your comments. Just so you know the outcome (and my motivation) having worried that she didn't feel she was able to come downstairs even if she had wanted to we had a discussion about it at the beginning of the week. She said that she had just stayed in her room because she had stuff to do and it didn't cross her mind that she shouldn't come down. Just so you know she is 26, so not exactly a teenager, and has been in this country since the beginning of the year and has other friends. I don't think she is lonely.

I would agree that the status of an au pair in your home is a complex one, and frankly I don't think it is an experience I will repeat although I will keep this one probably until September when she intends to leave. It is useful to have a bit of help but it is difficult to match your expectations to the reality. I have previously only had a live out nanny, and an exceptional one at that, so I think my expectations were just too high.

Thanks again for your comments.

OP posts:
Totallyfloaty35 · 20/05/2009 10:40

Its difficult with aupairs,they are to be treated as one of the family,not an employee.However my 14yr old would rather not attend family dos either.
Also its true that the sending out cards thing is very strange to most girls from Europe so dont expect one.
Have had girls insist on coming EVERYWHERE with me and actually report me to the agency when i took dd to an apt in London for a few hrs on aupairs day off as i didnt invite her to.
In the first week i talk about how much they would like to join in,then we have that talk again 2wks later as they usually decided they lonely and want to join in more or get away from you.
Only joining in i insist on is everyone eats together at dinner during the week.

HarrietTheSpy · 20/05/2009 09:11

This is exactly my point. If they are employees with proper contracts and know when they work and when they don't, then they can say no very easily to a request like that, there's no ambiguity.

thebody · 20/05/2009 08:03

you might still want your 'day off' to be your 'day off' though.
Whatever the scheme its still a tricky situation having a young person living in your home.. even you own teens..

HarrietTheSpy · 20/05/2009 03:21

okay and I can't believe I'm even posting at this hour. As I understand it, now that the au pair visa scheme doesn't exist, normal UK employment law covers people from the EU or those covered under the Youth Mobility Scheme I think it's called (it's on the Home Office website) who come over and do au pair roles, whereas before it was more of a grey area.

I think this arrangement will end up being better for everyone, au pair and 'host family' as people's rights and obligations will be clearer.

DadInsteadofMum · 19/05/2009 23:27

There is no such thing as working holiday - it went as a visa classification along with au pair last November.

thebody · 19/05/2009 23:12

sorry to have offended you HARRIET but if you could just take a moment.. what is the working holiday thingy? i REALLY DONT KNOW

thebody · 19/05/2009 23:11

sorry to have offended you HARRIET but if you could just take a moment.. what is the working holiday thingy? i REALLY DONT KNOW

Summersoon · 19/05/2009 22:20

Hello all,

I haven't had time to read everything on this thread but:
I think that you should be aware that the habit of giving birthday cards to people you live with is peculiar to this country. In most or all of Continental Europe, birthday cards are only sent by mail to people you don't expect to either see on the day. My parents think that the idea of giving a card to your husband or wife or children is very strange!
I imagine that a brand new au pair would not know about the English convention but I would definitely expect her to say Happy Birthday verbally even if it was her first day there.
As for the rest, I find it quite possible that she might have felt she was intruding unless invited explicitly.
Hope this helps.

HarrietTheSpy · 19/05/2009 21:31

True! So, all's right with the world then. Wonder if OP will come back...and tell us how it worked out?

Laquitar · 19/05/2009 21:29

i think you did with your last sentence: clear boundaries? And a good talk?

HarrietTheSpy · 19/05/2009 21:27

I'm not sure we've solved the OPs problems ore created more issues for her to think about...

Laquitar · 19/05/2009 21:26

I believe you would genuinely worry. And maybe the OP too. But you see, some other families would like her to join in ...oh and then just tidy up a bit ...and play with the kids a bit ...and keep an eye on the food cooking and ...and ...So then it feels like she is working on her day off. I know YOU wouldn't do it but some families do

HarrietTheSpy · 19/05/2009 21:21

You right I didn't!

If I were in the OPs shoes, I would have been wondering: is she upstairs because she's unhappy? does she feel she can't join in with us? should we leave her alone, or make an effort?

That sort of thing. I'm probably just paranoid.We trialled a French girl and my conclusion was that we would end up treating her like a permanent house guest.

At least with a live in nanny the boundaries are clear.

Laquitar · 19/05/2009 21:09

TheBody, i don't think that Harriet meant it in a bad way. I can see her point, it must be confusing for both parts. But, Harriet, it's just that the sympathy goes more to the AP's as they are in another house, another country, don't speak the language etc so i guess they are more vulnerable. I have met quite a lot when i was nannying (live out) and felt sorry for them after i heard their stories. Of course one could say it's one side of the story...

HarrietTheSpy · 19/05/2009 20:46

When we considered an au pair last fall I had plenty of applications from girls who wanted to "go everywhere" with us, holidays, weekend trips, etc. We knew we couldn't deal with this level of commitment - we wanted the sort of childcare that you describe, their days off are their days off no expectation on either front - and decided the au pair programme wasn't for us.

So, I don't think the OP's questions are unreasonable.

HarrietTheSpy · 19/05/2009 20:40

I'm not saying that the au pair isn't entitled to the day off. My reading is that the OP wasn't sure what to expect from the situation entirely in terms of incorporating her into family events. Maybe she's really into the part of the family side of things?! It's just possible.

Imagine if she'd come on here saying, am I being unreasonable to expect the au pair not to come to our family event, we really wanted some space, why couldn't she leave/stay in her room what the response would have been?

What a silly remark about the working holiday maker programme the Body.

Millarkie · 19/05/2009 20:26

Goggylou - I have found that our au pairs don't settle in properly for over a month so I think that ours would give a child a birthday card if they had been with us for a couple of months but not in the first month (and possibly not for a child who was only a year old). I would not have expected them to come down from their room (ours have both had some weekends when they have vegged out for a day with tv/web in their room) or to eat with the family at weekends no matter what the occasion (although we invite them if they are visible when we start cooking). Our default is that they eat with the kids during the week and they sort out their own meals at weekends (but with the proviso that they tell me if they want to do something different.
I don't think your au pair's behaviour has been unusual - (but having said that, I have only had 2 au pairs and the second one is trying my patience )

thebody · 19/05/2009 20:19

well I dont know about that HARRIET but the op was asking if it was unreasonable for an Au pair to stay in her bedrooom 'ON HER DAY OFF' and not join the family to sing happy birthday to the little darling she looks after on the days she is paid.

. yes imho that is unreasonable and the poster is wrong... I dont see that as a fraught situation at all...

Remember who is the adult mother here.. its not the Au pair is it...

what is the new working holiday maker thingy when its at home.. will it make these poor girls work on their days off or force them to join in the families fun outings instead of being able to mooch in their rooms. God love them..

HarrietTheSpy · 19/05/2009 19:54

It seems to me from reading these threads, plenty of au pair 'employers' can never do the right thing either though. They are blasted for not having employment contracts on one hand "don't you know any better?!" and then get it in the ear for having expectations when they do: "Au pairs are just teenagers/part of the family, what did you expect" etc.

I actually think it's just a case of being a really fraught situation because their status has been so unclear. Maybe the new working holiday maker system which replaces the au pair programme will clear things up eventually.

thebody · 19/05/2009 19:41

thats it exactly Laquita, and ofter these au pairs are just teens, and when they proceed to act like teens then mums complain... Some mums expect too much for their cash imho.. feel sorry for the au pairs really..

Laquitar · 18/05/2009 19:12

Good post thebody I think APs can never win. If they go downstairs and join the family 'they are needy and don't give the family space', if they stay in their room 'they are sulking'. Also they 'work only few hours' but 'it would be nice to join the family and ....erm... tidy up a bit'. It must be very difficult and tricky for APs.

thebody · 18/05/2009 18:15

I really dont understand your post .

I am a cm and love all my mindees but its a job. I take care of them when I am contracted and paid to and then I have my days off, I dont want to see them or their parents then.. I expect they dont want to see me either..
Why would she want to sing happy birthday on her day off?
do you go to work on your day off for the fun of it?
You say your au pair is good with the kids when she is working so are you just moaning that she isnt acting like one of the family? she isnt..
If she wants to stay in her room on her days off whats wrong with that and frankly its not your business.
Yes you would have expected a card but thats just immaturity.
On this thread its either people complaining that the au pair is too needy and doesnt go to her room or too independant and doesnt mix with the family.
Bigchris.. all young people prefer to stay in their rooms than talk to adults its NORMAL.