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Original poster

Starting off on the right foot (APs)

59 replies

Millarkie · 01/05/2009 09:07

I wish there was a AP host family forum so I could let rip about current AP but anyway......
Tips required for how to start off on the right foot with next AP..please.

I have handbook - with info on house, routines of all of us, local info etc.
I have 'duty list' - broken down into jobs which happen at a certain time (ie. child watching 4pm-5.30pm) and jobs that need to be done by the end of the week (dust living room shelves).
I pay generously and the jobs add up to fewer than 25 hours.

So, without writing down all the niggles which we have been through and making me look like an obsessive nightmare - how do I get through the first few weeks without being a pushover and ended up in the situation I'm in now???

Unfortunately I also have an overlap between current AP and new AP (which is good if current AP introduces new AP to some friends but not so good if she also hands over her bad habits), but I"m taking off a few days to show new AP around the area etc.

When I'm back at work should I schedule nightly chats with new AP and question her as to what she's done or not done? Should I create a tick-list for jobs?

If anyone wants a laugh I can list the things that current AP has done that is making me so paranoid about the next one

OP posts:
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CoffeeAndCarrotCake · 26/06/2009 22:22

Millarkie - it makes a nice change that it's not me posting about my au pair woes this time (I could, but I won't today ).

I massively sympathise with you and wish you lots of luck for the next one. I don't think I'd appreciated quite how tricky a relationship the au pair / host family relationship is. You want them to feel at home, but at the same time, you don't want to be treated like a total mug. I got to the stage where I felt that I was constantly following behind DD with a potty and AP with an open purse. Weirdly, I preferred the potty!

I decided to put my foot down a lot more firmly with AP#3 who arrives in September, and have amended the house rules significantly (e.g. Do not help yourself to our booze whenever you feel like it; do not hog my PC 24/7; the car is only to be used for getting around with DD and not for scraping around all of the kerbs, walls and parked cars in the locality; when your family and friends come to stay (which will not be every 3 weeks) I will not be paying for all of their food, drinks, transport costs, etc.; you will not eat all my chocolate!!)

I would not have an overlap period either. It's bad enough that AP#2 and AP#3 regularly Skype each other . Oh well, prob all academic anyway as I'm going to be winning the lottery tomorrow night and will be so filthy rich that I'll have no more APs but instead will stay at home reclining on the sofa while DD peels grapes for me....

catepilarr · 26/06/2009 22:19

hope the new ap is a lot better than the old one!

Original poster
Millarkie · 26/06/2009 21:49

We've been cleaning her room - and found that she had almost completely blocked her shower drain (it made a good foot and ankle bath) and has broken the toilet seat. Have cleared the drain but dh is going to have to do an emergency trip to the shops tomorrow am to get a new toilet seat and fit it before driving for a couple of hours to pick up new au pair..in the meantime I was meant to spend tonight cleaning all the corners etc that AP always cut..but we have a power cut so I'm sitting in the dark and surfing because the computers are on UPS..only wish the kettle was too!

OP posts:
PixiNanny · 25/06/2009 21:16

Lol, I'm happy you're shot of her for you haha Sounds like a disaster

frAKKINPannikin · 25/06/2009 20:38

Mind boggles at what she was doing with 3 lunchboxes and a measuring jug...

Original poster
Millarkie · 25/06/2009 20:14

Not Romanian - German. T'was quite funny this week since I bought a lot (800g) of chocolate to use to make her a goodbye cake. Bought it tues evening and put into cupboard, came home wednesday 3pm to find that she had used some of it to ice gingerbread men and the rest to make hideous chocolate mousse..so no cake for her then.
My missing lunch boxes (3 of them, every time I bought one it went missing) have magically reappeared, as has the measuring jug (yes I did ask her if she had seen them, but no, she didn't have them - t'is magic I tell you!)
Deep Breathes - going to try to clean some of the muck and then have WINE..

OP posts:
frAKKINPannikin · 25/06/2009 19:56

Glad she's gone! She sounded a total nightmare. Hope the next one's better.

Totallyfloaty35 · 25/06/2009 19:46

Was she Romanian by any chance Millarkie as she sounded an awful lot like one girl i had who used to eat everything including my Godiva chocs that were a birthday pressie and still sealed.
Glad you are free of her,gd luck with the next

Original poster
Millarkie · 25/06/2009 18:48

Update:
She's gone, she's gone, lalala, so happy, she's gone

New, hopefully sane, AP arrives on Saturday.

Now I just have to clean up mess left by last one

OP posts:
jura · 04/05/2009 11:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Millarkie · 02/05/2009 10:26

at patient...you mean 'pushover' don't you

I can label food for kids only - maybe I need to take a pen to the check-out though because she is swift in getting to the goodies

Have spoken to dh about the overlap issues..he thinks we should offer to pay for current AP to get a flight out on the Sunday. Also mentioned that our bedroom needs decorating (vast understatement) so perhaps we could move our stuff into spare room thus negating any arguements because there won't be space for 2 APs then (and I might get a decorated room into the bargain).

Current AP has also stuck a load of photos directly onto the wallpaper in her room (we put a corkboard in there but she's ignored that) so god knows what state the wall will be in when she takes them down..might have to redecorate for new AP.

On the funnier side, I have had an email from next AP who was talking about the differences between her current role (has been AP for almost a year with another family) and ours...she says that our AP told her that she looks after the children for 4 hours a day!! (is actually 20 mins each morning (max), and a further 1.5 hours on 3 afternoons a week).

OP posts:
Julesnobrain · 01/05/2009 23:39

Millarkie. You are v patient. I would have lost it totally. Actually I think the AP role is really hard, your supposed to be part of the family but your not. I have found the easiest balance is to treat them as a working student and not even 'pretend' their part of the family but more a paid extra pair of hands who is welcome in our home (provided they are helping ) and we help them with their language etc.
I give them an AP pack, the usual. I have hardly any house rules. I got them off Mumsnet, basic common sense stuff really. I take 3 days off work to be the AP myself along side them and I follow the schedule which itemises what they do when. I outline from the go get what food they can eat (everything except the kids chocolate and any item especially marked with DH name or saying kids only). That would avoid the your pizza problem, further whilst I do buy the AP's some special AP food (current AP Mexican and I get Jalapeños and tortillas) I tell them I do my main shop once a week, if they run out before that tough.
When I come home I can tell instantly if a job has not been done because of the schedule and I would immediately ask why hasn't XYZ been done. I find it easier that way as it lets you constantly pick up on little bits rather than letting yourself stew and have a big 'blow out' IYSWIM
Finally (sorry for the long post) the more AP's I have the stricter I get. Both DH and I loath having live in help but because of work hours we have no choice. Our copying mechanism is to be very controlling, very strict but equally scrupulously fair to the AP so that if they work hard for us... we work hard to ensure they enjoy their time here and we make it very clear that is a reciprocal arrangement!. Fingers crossed seems to be OK so far and only major problem I've had is with an excessive eater !!! ... but who knows what my next post will be .......

Original poster
Millarkie · 01/05/2009 16:56

Oh No DIOM - you'll give APs a bad name! (My first was really wonderful - honest!) Glad I made you laugh though.

My 'Woodhenge' in the garden is impressive - I should create a profile and put some photos on it

Can I make it clear that she was speeding but not with my kids in the car - strictly speaking she does not need to drive my kids (they have a school bus pick them up and drop them back), although it is an option in emergencies. If she were driving the kids regularly I would be less chilled about the speeding fine (she has offered to pay and at least confessed before the notice came..I was more concerned about her feeling that speeding was perfectly acceptable because 'it was late and I wanted to get home'.

She's also told next AP that I post on Mumsnet so I'm likely to be being stalked anyway (but what the heck, I give up )

OK, so with next AP, how about I do the few days induction (me hanging around), then a few chats about any problems over next 2 weeks but if she ignores me - then this time I will get rid! That's the plan....I might write a probationary period into the contract to make it a bit more official.

OP posts:
DadInsteadofMum · 01/05/2009 14:40

First a confession - I did have a bit of a laugh - some of the things are funny in a Fawlty Towers sense (funny to watch but you wouldn't want to stay there).

I do make clear on day one that anything I feel could potentially out the kids in danger (e.g. speeding) consitutes gross misconduct and could lead to being out of the door within 24 hours. Its sounds a nit harsh and it is intertwined with lots of welcoming stuff but it sets the tone. Anecdotaly, current AP told me of one local AP who got a 30 day ban for drink driving, but was kept on by her family, made it clear I wouldn't be so generous (apparently AP was complaining that her family were giving her a hard time over it!).

With regards to shopping, if it ain't in the weekly Tesco's delivery you get it yourself is a very simple rule to live by in our house, but then Tesco is virtually next door to the gym she uses so not too much of a problem.

I do have frequent chats in the first few weeks, but as a two way conversation picking up on the little things before they becoming annoying but too late to deal with, but also asking her opinion if there is anything I can do to make her life easier (within acceptable limits).

Reagrding contact between APs. Not an option to me, as a single dad I have to prove that I am on the level and therefore encourage this contact. (Incoming AP - June - asked me to provide a reference from an appropriate member of the community!).

I did notice that I was deactivating my profile quicker than they were deactivating theirs. My response was rather to worry about their, leave mine open and process one or two down the pipeline "just in case".

Millarkie - I don't think its about being less tolerant, the nature of the realtionship is one of give and take, its just about making sure the give/take balance is, erm, well balanced.

[Minor hijack - somebody in the village has asked me on top tips for recruiting and employing an AP for the first time, I am just printing out key threads from here, think I might add this one to the list!]

Original poster
Millarkie · 01/05/2009 14:09

Thanks Mumoflotsofboys .
Will be less tolerant with the next one - but it's not as if I haven't spoken to this one (we have had some improvement, mainly on the way she was acting towards the children).
I felt over a barrel a bit with this one, since dd was diagnosed with a medical problem after AP started which meant that I no longer had the back-up option of afterschool club. It's looking like dd's condition is improving though so hopefully by the time the nextAP arrives I can threaten to terminate her contract and mean it!

OP posts:
mumof2222222222222222boys · 01/05/2009 13:52

We've had 4 APs over the past 15 months - not because we're awful, that has been the arrangement. Current girl is due to stay a year.

I can honestly say that if one of ours had been like yours, I would have lost it totally. I can't believe how patient you have been. Breaking the law (btw, who paid for the ticket? My last AP got 2 parking tickets which she paid), and directly contradicting you is just not on.

Please be stricter with the next one - but I can't believe you would be that unlucky twice.

Original poster
Millarkie · 01/05/2009 13:21

Thanks MrsWobble. I have emailed nextAP and said much the same as you ' the children are older and therefore the duties may be slightly different...'

OP posts:
MrsWobble · 01/05/2009 12:53

not APs but we used to change our job description between nannies - to avoid repetition of irksome niggles. we were always upfront with the new girl that we had taken the opportunity of the change of person to rethink what we/our children needed as they had grown older and that they should check with us if anything was unclear. this also avoided the children using the opportunity of a new nanny to tell them things like "we're always allowed to stay up late on babysitting nights" etc.

we used this approach to make some reasonably large changes - eg adding in all the family's ironing but as long as the new girl knew what she was signing up for and agreed that the pay was fair for the duties expected it isn't (or never was for us anyway) a problem.

Original poster
Millarkie · 01/05/2009 12:43

I have done a little revision honest Exam isn't til the autumn but I'm on placement next week and I don't want to look too stupid so I'm sure the adrenaline will kick in soon!

Simply,you are right - your 2nd AP does sound just like my current one!

Have been thinking that it would probably be cheaper and easier if I pay for current AP to go for a couple of long trips (say, a matinee in London type thing) for the Mon/Tue as a 'treat before she goes home' so at least I would get the bulk of the time alone with new AP. Then current AP will be around in evening so might be persuaded to take new AP out to meet the local AP crowd

OP posts:
Simply · 01/05/2009 12:30

Can you tell that this is my day off work, too! No exam revision that I should be doing, though. I'm sure you'll do some straight after lunch though, won't you Millarkie?

Wow, arguing about the changes between the handbooks! That's not on.

  1. I used to check potential ap's profiles to see if they were still logging on despite being at a far along stage with me. Sometimes aps change their minds at the last minute and sometimes families do. I think I'd keep several irons in the fire if I was an ap, too.
  1. Other than a quick phone call when potential ap (who then became our 2nd ap) rang here and spoke to 1st ap, that was the only contact they had and I deliberately didn't encourage contact, quite the opposite. I'd say that you should specify when your ap is required for childcare otherwise you might be in the situation I was in with the 2nd one that her social life came first and she'd quickly say "Oh, but I was planning to go out then" if I said I wanted to go somewhere. She even wanted to go on trips with dh (when he was visiting another town or area during the day with work) rather than me go with him and her stay to be available for the kids after school. I got really ratty inside when he went on a long haul trip and all I kept hearing was "I wish I'd been able to go with him", I can tell you!
Original poster
Millarkie · 01/05/2009 12:18

Will discuss B and B idea with dh - it will seem a bit strange since we have a guest room here. The overlap is Sat pm to Tues pm but even if I take the mon/tues off work there will be exAP here and potentially disagreeing with my way of doing things.
One of the things that happened last time is that first AP and next AP compared handbooks (which I tweeked between APs for little things like whether the kids had to get changed out of school uniform as soon as they get home) and then argued about the changes..
So votes for whether I ask exAP to spend her last few days elsewhere or whether I offer new AP a few days 'holiday'..

And at 'ask Ingles' Hopefully she'll be around later

Some more questions whilst I think of them (can you tell that I have the day off work, AP is not here for weekend and I am meant to be revising for an exam????)

  1. If you recruit from AP World do you expect an AP who has accepted a job with you to de-activate her profile..would you get worried if you notice she is still logging on even though she has accepted your job??
  1. If you have previous APs do you always offer potential APs the chance to email/chat to them (I do, and offered nanny's email to first AP). If so, how do you deal with changes in the job description (ie. I have added a bit about 'must be available for after-school activities' after the Karate fiasco - am I heading for trouble with next AP telling me that current AP could refuse to do that)?

Thanks everyone, by the way

OP posts:
HarrietTheSpy · 01/05/2009 12:04

Put her up in the B and B - great idea. Don't think you'll regret it.

Simply · 01/05/2009 11:54

I can quite understand you writing off the experience and looking forward to a better outcome with your next ap. I remember you saying about your up-until-then-excellent first ap changing during her last week when there was an overlap with the second ap. If you can avoid the risk of this again then I'd suggest you do it. My first ap left at the beginning of the summer hols and the second started at the end as we didn't need childcare during the 6 weeks. My children are both mid secondary school age so I don't need much childcare now. Going back to your OP, my advise is:- ask ingles. She was a godsend to me on and off board. With her advice (and others on MN) I was able to decide what to do next. The only trouble being whether I had the bottle to carry it out!

Original poster
Millarkie · 01/05/2009 11:38

Thanks Simply, to be honest I have just written off this AP experience and will tolerate the remaining few weeks (unless she hides the biscuits again )..Our first AP was totally lovely (except for her final week when current AP was here too and they went teenage on me) and we really missed her when she was off on trips etc so I know there are good ones out there.
We used to have nannies and our first nanny was also a bit of a nightmare, but our second was wonderful so even my daydreams of giving up the AP and getting a live-in nanny again is tainted by memories of first nanny.
And we need live-in help since I am off to work at 6am and dh goes abroad for a few days on business every 8 weeks or so, so before/after school clubs won't work.
The next AP is already in this country and by the time she comes to us she will have been with her current family for a year, so I hoping that is a good sign. I am very worried that we have a 4 day overlap though and that new AP will be 'corrupted' by the old one.
How do people manage to recruit without having overlaps??? Or shall I put ex/new AP up in a BandB until exAP flies out??

OP posts:
Simply · 01/05/2009 11:25

Hi Millarkie. This reminds me of my first ap and my second also did some of the things from your list (despite me having tightened up and having a comprehensive ap handbook). I hated having to ask for say the 4th time for something to be done or not to be done. I feel sad that we're not having another ap but we've a nice home (that we've worked 20 years for) and good kids and the stress that a poor ap can cause in the household is just not worth it.

Can you list the things you've written here and discuss them with her, telling her that she has a week to show a definite and continued improvement otherwise she has to leave? I know that's not what you're asking for in this thread but to be honest a bad ap in your house is worse than no help at all. I was overjoyed for days when our first one left and relieved after the second. It makes me sad that they were here for the full time they wanted but I made so many concessions in order to keep them here for the time they wanted when really I should have been much firmer and asked them to improve or else leave. I went with an agency for the second one and did get pointers but tried to handle it myself and really I should have let the agency person have a word to ask my ap to buck up her ideas or else leave.

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