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Original poster

new aupair and problems already-help please

59 replies

Totallyfloaty35 · 08/04/2009 17:49

I have an Australian who has been with us just over 2weeks.
I have a problem with the way she speaks to my 2yr old.If dd3 touches her drink(bottled water)an says what this? Aupair says very loudly"ITS MINE,dont touch it,its mine actually" Aupair was putting her own shoes on while sitting on stairs ,dd picked one up to help her put it on(as we do for her) Aupair snapped its my shoe leave it alone.I very calmly said she is just trying to help and removed DD.
Elder dds complained that when they all went to park they couldnt play on anything as they ended up looking after toddler as Aupair sat on a bench and ignored them.Eldest eventually said to her to play with dd3,so she just stood next to the baby swing she was on til dd1 said "well push her then!"
I have said to her we dont speak to dd like that,we explain why she cant do something etc calmly.Aupair also kept telling DD3 she was silly,doing silly things,thats a stupid thing to do,so often that dd1 snapped at her to stop saying her baby sister was silly or she will get a complex.I think that shocked aupair an she hasnt called her silly since(was planning on telling her myself but in a nicer way than dd did).
She is not very pro active,i keep finding her in front of tv
she wont play with dd in garden on trampoline or even push her in toy car,i had to tell her to(i was trying to cook dinner)and she got off garden chair and played with dd3 for 30sec then sat down again.
Im a bit non plussed really,other people have commented on the way she talks as well,Do i give her notice or talk to her again?

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blueshoes · 18/04/2009 20:37

totallyfloaty, I think temperamentally she should not do any work involving children at all. She is appalling, I am speechless. You have had the patience of a saint.

Why on earth would she want to go out with the family when she has already been terminated. And then to lose her rag in front/at a toddler/baby?? Totally unreasonable.

I am completely mystified how she got her (presumably good) references in the first place. Could she have faked them? Did the references involve childcare? If they did, I am almost tempted to call them back ...

Your dh is right to summarily dismiss her. I personally don't feel like paying her.

Harriet, on the bedsit issue, that is a valid point. Actually, come to think of it, she just needs to be able to find a flatshare. I know aupairs who managed to get flatshares in London from about £50 to £110 a week and a bar job that more than covered the cost.

I would not pay more than the cost of a ticket back home to Australia, if at all

Original poster
Totallyfloaty35 · 18/04/2009 19:54

She doesn't know anyone to slate us too,But she was heard on the phone by DD1 telling someone the baby really gets on her nerves, so she telling lots of people we dont know
However she is leaving next week now as DH just lost it with her.DD3 was in back of car aupair next to her in middle seat and dd2 near other window,full,hot carand a long day for a toddler.DD3 very over tired and throwing a wobbly,she wants to drive mummys car(dh let her sit up front while i in tesco)she also crying,now i admit 2yr olds can be pretty unreasonable,while crying she was saying no * sit next to me,no touch me,im sad now and then pushed at aupair(not hard as she cant reach properly from car seat )DH opened his mouth to tell dd3 to be calm,we home soon and it wasnt nice to push,but aupair was already yelling"dont push me,i didnt touch you,dont you dare hit me" DH said he was sorry she was pushed but how dare she shout in a toddlers face.
Have to say DH not impressed that she came out with us at all,he wanted to spend family time with us,not have an extra grumpy teen around snapping at everyone.
Anyway she started shouting at the baby at dinner too and DH just roared"I have had enough of the way you speak to my baby,do you have no sense,who screams at a baby,it doesnt teach them anything,pack your bags your leaving Monday"
So thats it now,she told me she reinstating her profile,so beware ladies.

OP posts:
HarrietTheSpy · 18/04/2009 10:07

Blueshoes makes a very very good point.

A bad decision I made with our first nanny was to let her stay on for a couple of extra weeks (she essentially worked part of her notice) rather than just paying her off for the month and ending it. Gave her plenty of time to rake us over the coals with the (thankfully few) mothers she chatted to.

I was going to suggest the bedsit option too, but then I don't know if she would be able to get a place w/o a gaurantor or something in this climate, unless she had a lot of cash handy up front. Others may know more.

PixiNanny · 17/04/2009 23:36

Personally I wouldn't trust her either. How soon can you get a replacement?

If I wasn't with a lovely family already I'd come help out! I hope that you find somebody soon!

blueshoes · 17/04/2009 21:48

Totallyfloaty, you did the right thing. Must you give her 3 weeks' notice though? Sounds like hell to live with her for any longer.

I am paranoid, but be aware of sabotage if she is living under your roof. Lock up your cash, valuables and personal info. Remember to take the housekeys off her. Bar all 090 and long distance phone calls from your landline. I would not leave her alone with the dcs or dogs or alone in the house as far as feasibly possible.

I personally would prefer to give her money for a bedsit and see her out of there asap.

Original poster
Totallyfloaty35 · 17/04/2009 21:22

She does know some people in London actually,friends of her parents i think.
Dh has already had words with her and he only met her yesterday,DD3 was eating desert and aupair sat at table with her own(she bought it herself)dd3 asked her what it was and she started saying its mine,its my desert,you have yours and this is mine.DH told her not to be so snappy,she wasn't about to be mugged for it and dd3 wanted to know what it was she was eating as she was telling everyone about how nice her cake was and what colour it was and being interested as small children are about everything .
Im so used to her strange defensive/possessive behaviour now i only tuned in when DH raised his voice a bit at her.
Strangely since we gave notice she has got better with her cleaning and tries to be nicer to the dogs/kids in my presence.Still caught her shoving dogs away from her but i can deal with that for a bit and she doesn't really come out of her room outside work hours now...but then you wouldn't if you had been asked to leave would you.

OP posts:
whooosh · 17/04/2009 14:15

Agree with Harriet-I couldn't bear the 3 weeks.I think I would pay her the cash and suggest she moves sooner.

Alternatively,give her a list every day of things that she can do which don'tinvolve child or dog care?

Kathyis6incheshigh · 17/04/2009 14:13

Gosh she sounds like she has no concept at all of 'work'!
Well done for taking the initiative and getting rid. Hope you find someone nice soon.

HarrietTheSpy · 17/04/2009 14:11

Are you in London? Did you agree some sort of notice period with her when she arrived? I think maybe I'm having a grumpy day but three weeks sounds like a long time to have a sulky houseguest about. I certainly wouldn't give her any more than that.

Does she have any friends over here?

hayley2u · 17/04/2009 13:02

i think that is the right thing to do. who s she to talk to your babies like that, its disgusting, i had an opair when we were litle ansd she was the same very rude, didnt play with us and was nasty to us i the end my mother jut tolder she had booked her a flight for thatnight and she was going
its a holiday for them

Original poster
Totallyfloaty35 · 17/04/2009 12:52

So just an update,we have given notice.It all came to a head
when dd2 stormed back home in tears from the park.DD1 was playing with toddler,aupair was sat on bench in park listening to ipod,dd2 asked her to hold dogs leads so she could go in park and play and aupair refused...said she doesnt actually like dogs and turned her back an carried on sunbathing.
I was furious,if she cant be bothered to play with kids then she could at least hold dogs leads(they very small dogs) and told her she should not have come to us if she doesnt like dogs(or kids)and i was not paying her to sunbathe,have given 3weeks notice,of course will not throw her out if she takes longer to find something but feel a bit calmer now i know she going....just got to start searching again now

OP posts:
PixiNanny · 09/04/2009 22:48

She sounds like a nightmare! Get rid of her asap, your DD1 sounds really good for the job description though

Seriously, she's obviously no good. She sounds like she doesn't even care about the kids, which is essential! How on earth did she get good refs?!

As a live-in I understand privacy, especially in the first few weeks of a job, but me and my 8yo g charge are always bouncing about on my bed or playing on my laptop in my room, and 12yo b also comes in sometimes to chat or play games on the PC with me, I see no problem with allowing them to see my personal space on occasion when I invade theirs everyday!

cheapskatemum · 09/04/2009 20:41

My teens would hate her. And they wouldn't be as nice as TF35s DDs about showing it.

willowthewispa · 09/04/2009 19:13

Maybe she would be better suited to a family with older children (teens?) where there is more housework than childcare?

If I was you I would probably tell her it isn't working out and offer to help her find a family she's more suited to, especially since she's such a long way from home.

Though I do also think even a 2 year old should know not to go into an au pair/nanny's room without knocking.

Original poster
Totallyfloaty35 · 09/04/2009 18:57

Sorry she is a New Zealander,im always getting them mixed up(sorry people from NZ and OZ).I had a fab Australian before i suppose i was harbouring dreams of another great experience and dd3 has a few speech probs so we thought someone who already spoke english would be better for her .

OP posts:
Nele · 09/04/2009 18:41

I have been an au-pair for 2 years and this one sounds like bad news! I would have never dreamt of saying or doing what she does. She seems selfish and unloving and I think your children will not have a good time with her. What happens if they hurt themselves? Does she hug them? I bet not! Get rid of her!!!

cheapskatemum · 09/04/2009 18:22

I agree with most people here - if she has to be told to push a 2 year old on a swing by DD1, she's not AP material. If you don't mind me asking, why did you hire an Australian when there's so many closer prospective APs on APWorld?

ChippingIn · 09/04/2009 17:37

Florence it was DD3 that went into the Au Pairs room to say Goodnight - she's 2. It's a lovely thing to do, not something she needs to be told not to do!!

Personally she'd have to go, I wouldn't want someone speaking/behaving like that with my children, especially in their own home.

The little one is 2, she's helping and inquisitive... and that's all. The AP should be loving a little one like that or in a different job.

DadInsteadofMum · 09/04/2009 10:27

Agree with Athene's course of action.

My contract always allows for a 21 day notice period if either party feels its not working out, if you have similar (and thats based on the standard one of APW) then when you sit down point out that clause and at the moment you are thinking of enacting it.

Personally I think you should give dd1 the job, sounds like she has everything under control already.

kidowner · 09/04/2009 05:08

It's all about personality at the end of the day. Trust your instincts, warning bells sound off for a reason.

We had an au pair I wasn't certain about once. I had to go out for the whole day and was not happy at leaving ap in sole charge so got my mum and sister over to 'observe'.

When I got back they both said ap indeed wasn't suitable. Ap was sad about it but got a job picking fruit in Scotland instead which relieved us all.

Ap wasn't a bad person but for some reason brought the worst out of dc which had never happened before or since.

FlorenceofArabia · 08/04/2009 23:25

I think you're right to sack the au pair but you should also have a word with DD1 and tell her not to go into the next au pair's bedroom - she's entitled to some privacy without a child wandering in.

Original poster
Totallyfloaty35 · 08/04/2009 23:05

Thanks Ladies,I dont mean that only children are terrible or anything,i suppose im just looking for an excuse that she is not used to sharing,but i know lots of lovely only children.I will be giving her notice tomorrow,she did it again earlier,dd3 walked into her room to say goodnight,by the time i got to her room i could hear her telling dd3 not to touch her stuff,its her stuff leave it alone.I understand all about wanting private time/space but dd3 had only picked up some q-tips off the bed,nothing expensive or breakable and asked what they were,she was practically dragging her out the room.
She has not had sole charge,im usually in house or eldest dd(very responsible,wants to be an aupair one day)is around
But your right dd3 not that keen on her,she loved our last girl who was only a short term fill in but had endless patience and actually seemed to enjoy playing with the kids.
Thanks for your opinions on this.She was from Aupair world,good refs, crb checked etc,but you never can tell til you meet someone how they will be.

OP posts:
FlorenceofArabia · 08/04/2009 22:45

"she is an only child and i dont think she even realises how she sounds or is not bothered"

Only children tend to have pretty good social skills with both adults and kids. IME.

Summersoon · 08/04/2009 22:42

She sounds awful. And I certainly wouldn't consider leaving her with a 2-year old.
It is tempting to say "talk to her, give her one chance" but it doesn't sound to me as if you can trust her, even if - in front of you at least - she improves as a result of the talking-to. With a child that young, one time is all it can take. Also, if you did keep her, I am not sure what message you would be sending to your older children.

I had an appalling nanny once (first nanny job, previous experience in a children's home) - I knew she was no good after three weeks, but kept her on for another three, in the hope that things would get better. They didn't and we just ended up enduring three additional weeks of misery.

Sorry for your problem!

Simplyme · 08/04/2009 22:36

I think you ought to let her go tbh. I know you want to be nice to the ap but at the end of the day you are sacrificing the children's happiness for the ap. It is the children's home and they need to feel secure and wanted and loved. The ap is not doing this and it's not right.

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