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Original poster

Tough situation, need some advice

64 replies

mananny · 27/03/2009 14:01

Ok so I work p/t for a family that I love, that I have been with for over 3 years. I'm also at uni here, which is bloody expensive to say the least. I've heard about a fab job also here in the US, visa provided, great money, interesting specs, and the agency are putting me forward. I'm not job hunting really, just this particular opportunity would be really amazing. I asked my MB to provide a ref and now she's gone all weird and defensive and non-communicative with me. I have assured her that I am not thinking of upping and leaving, I am just testing the water. I might not even be considered for an interview with this other opportunity. I love the family, but now I am freaking out that even in asking for a ref some damage has been done. MB is very dependent on me and I am uncomfortable with her reaction to my asking for a ref. I'm such a peacemaker by nature I am tempted to can it all and stay here all cozy in my comfort zone. But this other opportunity is offering not just an amazing experience, but it would be a challenge and that's what I need now I feel like, as I have stayed in my comfort zone for too long.

Someone please kick me up the ass and tell me that I am not responsible for keeping my lovely but over-dependent boss happy!!!! It's hard enough to think about leaving my charges, but that's a part and parcel of any nanny job. I don't want the added emotional pressure of keeping the parents happy too!

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Nabster · 27/03/2009 16:42

Talk to your boss, give her the opportunity to give you notice, and if she doens't, then agree to move on and talk to each other if anything else comes up again in the future.

I do understand the dilemmas with nanny jobs. I was hurt when my bosses waited until they absolutely had to give me notice and then I found out they knew much sooner and I felt it was because they didn't want to run the risk that I would leave before it suited them. I never wanted to leave in the first place so was hurt they didn't give me the chance to show how committed I was iyswim.

Original poster
mananny · 27/03/2009 16:39

I know, I'm just sad Nabster as I am now in a situation of my own making, which is frustrating. It's not like I really truly set out to look for other jobs. This specific one came to me via an agency I have been with for several years and they thought I would be perfect for it, despite the fact they know my current situation re work and uni. It sounds amazing and so I wanted to go for it, as it is so unique and nothing like any other nanny job I have had before or seen before. In order to do this I had to get current refs and stuff and that's what has got me in this mess. There was no other way around it and so I have to deal with it.

OP posts:
Nabster · 27/03/2009 16:32

What was the advice you wanted?

I can't see that we could say anything other than what we did tbh.

Original poster
mananny · 27/03/2009 16:17

Thanks Nabster

I feel like total crap now for taking a chance at something, and there was no other way to have done it so I'm the bad guy whatever happens.

I could not have pursued this one single unique opportunity without asking for a reference, and I am not looking at any other jobs at all.

OP posts:
Nabster · 27/03/2009 15:59

No, you are "not responsible for keeping my lovely but over-dependent boss happy" but you are responsible for her feeling crap right now.

If you were tuly happy in your job you wouldn't entertain being put forward for another job.

If you were my nanny I would give you a reference, and your notice.

Simplyme · 27/03/2009 15:57

Rather silly to ask current MB for a reference! You have taken away her security now and tbh kinda destroyed the relationship as she now feels you don't want to be there and the trust is gone! Don't be too surprised if she doesn't find a replacement for you now.

I always give all old references to future employers. I also add that on a job offer then I will pass on current details for a reference. Otherwise I won't do it. Not worth rocking the boat imo for a purely 'potential' job no matter how good it seems.

Original poster
mananny · 27/03/2009 15:12

The thing is I am not looking at lots of other jobs. Just this one specific job. And the agency wanted a current ref to give the family as it's a high profile position and the family apparently want all refs and background checks etc done prior to interview. I can't say much more than that. So I either totally ignored this opportunity or dug myself into this hole. I obviously chose to dig.

I don't want to leave unless it would be to go to something spectacularly different. I am happy enough here to toodle along til I am finished at uni. I am not challenged in any way here, but on the whole I lead a very comfortable life and have no desire to go through the whole job hunt thing. But this opportunity is so different and so unique I felt it was worth a shot.

There really was no right way to deal with this particular situation perhaps.

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nbee84 · 27/03/2009 14:46

Your last post makes more sense of the fact that you are looking at other jobs.

But I still think it was unwise to ask for the reference. Your boss was bound to be left feeling unsure of the situation and upset by it.

flowerybeanbag · 27/03/2009 14:44

Well they all sound like perfectly good reasons to be thinking about leaving, but I think claiming you're not thinking about it isn't really accurate, and I agree with AN that asking your current boss for reference before you've even got an interview let alone an offer, is going to result in this.

Original poster
mananny · 27/03/2009 14:42

I work only one day a week for them and have done for a few months now, so I feel like they don't "need" me as much as they used to. I do work p/t for a couple of other families here and there too. MB doesn't work, so I am not an essential component of their lives any more IYSWIM. I adore my charges, but I feel more like an Aunt to them than a Nanny at this point. I basically get paid to spoil them rotten one day a week. I'm a bit like Mary Poppins, the children don't need me as such, but we all love each other and it's wonderful to be a part of their lives as they grow up.

I hate this side of nannying, it all gets so emotional. I don't want to hurt anyone. But at the same time I don't want to miss out on something for the sake of not wanting to hurt someone. Ugh.

OP posts:
AtheneNoctua · 27/03/2009 14:38

I think you have every right to test the water. But I would never give a current boss' name as a reference unless I had a firm job offer and was planning to accept it. I really would think you would have seen this coming.

I guess you should take it as a compliment that she is unhappy about the prospect of losing you. But, you have been very silly because if she happens to run arosss another nanny she likes she just might grab the opportunity now that she knows you are probably on your way out... or at least considering it.

flowerybeanbag · 27/03/2009 14:31

Why would you be testing the water if you were not thinking of leaving? If you were not thinking of leaving you wouldn't be asking to be put forward for jobs.

I don't blame her for not being happy really.

nbee84 · 27/03/2009 14:24

Turn it round and think about how you would feel if she said "You've been here a while now so we are thinking about asking you to leave so we can get some fresh blood in!"

nbee84 · 27/03/2009 14:21

My initial reaction to this is not to be surprised that your current boss is not very happy. You've now left her thinking that you may soon be leaving - 'testing the water' is not something you would do if you weren't thinking about leaving. You yourself have said that "this other opportunity is offering not just an amazing experience, but it would be a challenge and that's what I need now I feel like, as I have stayed in my comfort zone for too long." So if you were offered this job, you would take it.

Maybe you are not responsible for keeping your boss happy but you are responsible for making her unhappy. You say it is hard thinking of leaving your charges but think of how she feels about her children. She is naturally upset to be losing a good nanny and thinking of her children and the upheaval they and her will have. All nannies move on eventually, but to tell her you may move on and quite soon will have left her wondering why you are not happy in your job.