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Original poster

Tough situation, need some advice

64 replies

mananny · 27/03/2009 14:01

Ok so I work p/t for a family that I love, that I have been with for over 3 years. I'm also at uni here, which is bloody expensive to say the least. I've heard about a fab job also here in the US, visa provided, great money, interesting specs, and the agency are putting me forward. I'm not job hunting really, just this particular opportunity would be really amazing. I asked my MB to provide a ref and now she's gone all weird and defensive and non-communicative with me. I have assured her that I am not thinking of upping and leaving, I am just testing the water. I might not even be considered for an interview with this other opportunity. I love the family, but now I am freaking out that even in asking for a ref some damage has been done. MB is very dependent on me and I am uncomfortable with her reaction to my asking for a ref. I'm such a peacemaker by nature I am tempted to can it all and stay here all cozy in my comfort zone. But this other opportunity is offering not just an amazing experience, but it would be a challenge and that's what I need now I feel like, as I have stayed in my comfort zone for too long.

Someone please kick me up the ass and tell me that I am not responsible for keeping my lovely but over-dependent boss happy!!!! It's hard enough to think about leaving my charges, but that's a part and parcel of any nanny job. I don't want the added emotional pressure of keeping the parents happy too!

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Notquitegrownup · 28/03/2009 14:13

OK I'm putting this thread on Watch. Can you promise to tell us who it is if you get the job? Presumably the confidentiality on releasing even their names is only for applicants, not for employees . . .

Original poster
mananny · 27/03/2009 21:53

Actually I don't think any of you would guess who it is. The person is more famous here. I had never heard of them til I found out their name and googled them. And fell off my chair. They do pretty amazing work, and have won awards and all kinds of things. Plus their beach house is amazing.

And I will not say any more.

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BabyBaby123 · 27/03/2009 21:49

is it KW and SM?? Not that high profile I suppose but they just came into my head straight away!

Blondeshavemorefun · 27/03/2009 21:46

age and amount you like?

depending on family - not sure i would want 6

madonna is on the hunt again

Original poster
mananny · 27/03/2009 21:40

I would go for this job if they were not high profile for 2 reasons: firstly the children are the age and amount I like, and secondly the work the parents do is both interesting and respectable (and that's important to me, I need to know my employers are morally and ethically upstanding). I won't lie, the experience of private jets, butlers, first class travel, celeb playdates etc will be interesting and completely outside of my personal scope of experience. Life is short. I have no ties. I was approached because the agency thought I was perfect for this role. (ego boost )

So, yes I would go for it anyway. I would never have found this opportunity on my own. I am not blinded by dollar signs, rather I am looking at the whole picture. I would gain valuable experience, provide good old fashioned love, care and common sense to children who due to their situation might need that kind of security from their caregiver. I love what I do and the thought of taking it several rungs up the ladder is thrilling to me.

My bosses are away for the weekend and I'll be seeing them next week. We'll sit down and chat and we get on well so I am hoping that this will end well. And if I don't get offered the position or I don't like anything about it, well then I have learnt my lesson: be more open and communicative about things like this from the start.

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Supernanny19 · 27/03/2009 21:34

tell us how old the children are..girls or boys? if we guess doesnt mean you have told us

nbee84 · 27/03/2009 21:26

Still waiting for my email!!!!

So, have you had a think about what you are going to say to your current boss? It sounds like you have got on very well thus far (and you have been there 3 years) I think you just need to sit down and have an honest chat with her about it all, you owe her that much. Hopefully when it's all discussed and she knows all the ins and outs of it all you working relationship will go back to normal.

nannynick · 27/03/2009 21:24

Would you be applying to this job if they were not high profile?

In a past life, I had contact with many high profile families in the UK. Some were very nice people to chat with, others were not. Some would expect to be treated like royalty (well some were foreign royalty) while others wanted to keep things low profile. Sometimes I didn't know they were high profile until after the event (and a colleague mentioned that I should Google their name!).

Not sure where I am going with this... but I suppose I'm trying to say that you should not lose your focus... this is a job like any other. You may know something about the family, but you may only know what the media knows, which may not be reality.

Blondeshavemorefun · 27/03/2009 21:21

this blonde can keep a secret

Original poster
mananny · 27/03/2009 21:01

please don't tempt me nbee.

I am going to stop googling them now. Just in case the Feds check my computer.

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Original poster
mananny · 27/03/2009 21:00

I'd love to nanny for them, they seem a really lovely family! But unfortunately it's not them.

Oh I'm going to get in trouble if I say any more.

I think part of the "test" is that I keep my mouth shut.

It's killing me.

The really ironic thing is my boss would love to hear who it is, and she won't be told even when giving references. I will have to sign many, many confidentiality agreements.

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snice · 27/03/2009 20:54

Its the Obama kids isn't it

nbee84 · 27/03/2009 20:51

You can email me my board name @gmail.com

Original poster
mananny · 27/03/2009 20:44

I can't say. But I am dying to tell someone. Aaagghhhh!!!!!

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nbee84 · 27/03/2009 20:19

Madonna???

Brad and Angelina???

Tom and Katie????

BradfordMum · 27/03/2009 20:08

Posh and Becks?!
You have to do what's right for you. MB may well have decided in a few weeks that you're no longer required and given you notice, and one day a week isn't really here or there.
Good luck,

Sally x x

Original poster
mananny · 27/03/2009 19:56

A lot of pressure was put on me for a current ref, and the reason given was that the position is for a very high profile family that want all my details/refs/etc prior to interview. It's not how I have done things before, but then it's not a type of position that I've ever looked at before and the fact the agency did in effect "headhunt" me for it I just did what they said, trusting that they were in the right.

Have received further details and Holy Mackerel is all I can say. Can't even tell my Mum who it is yet. If (and it's a big If) I like this family, and get offered the position, it's going to be incredible. Hard work but incredible.

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nannynick · 27/03/2009 19:40

mananny - I agree with the others that you were wrong to ask your current boss for a reference at this stage in the proceedings. However, I am wondering how much pressure was put on you by the agency, who I feel should not have insisted on having that reference at this early stage.

nannynick · 27/03/2009 19:38

I feel the agency involved is at fault here. They should have been telling their client that you were well known to them and that you are currently in a job and thus are unable to provide a reference for that particular job until such point that there is a formal job offer on the table.
Recruitment consultants in my view are used to this situation... particularly if they are 'head hunting'.

Don't suppose any Mumsnetter reading this works for a headhunter recruiting company? If you do... how do headhunters obtain references in this kind of situation - would they be wanting a reference from the current employer prior to even interviewing that candidate?

Blondeshavemorefun · 27/03/2009 19:32

you could have been more tactful and said you were interested in this position BEFORE you asked for a ref - but too late now

never ask a mb for a ref until you have a firm offer from another job

BabyBaby123 · 27/03/2009 18:59

don't beat yourself up about it! It's a job - like any other - she doesn't own you, yes, you feel loyalty towards her and you are fond of the children you care for but realisticly you can not be expected to stay in a job forever - particularly as the mother doesn't work and you only do one day a week! Apologise to her for it being a shock if you feel the need but really, I wouldn't worry about it - if she gives you notice, that's her loss.

Simplyme · 27/03/2009 17:38

I understand why you did it and if you felt you had no choice then fair enough but it is why you are in the situation you are in now. I'm happy in my job and will stay as long as possible BUT I am not 100% happy. If I see a job that I feel I could be 100% happy in then you bet I will move I will not tell current family as I see no point. If I get a job I will tell them and if not then tbh it is better they don't know.

All you can do now is maybe explain the situation to current MB and hope she will understand too. I guess by not explaining properly and asking out of the blue for a reference prob hurt more than if she had of known through a conversation why you wanted it.

I also don't think the agency are being very helpful either. If you have past references then why would they ask you to risk your current jobs just for an interview?

It also annoys me that because they are a 'high profile' family then you should act differently. I think agencies should be just as thorough at vetting nannies and checking references wether they are high profile parents or not. At the end of the day it is still children to be looked after and one deserves as much a good and safe and kind nanny as the other!

nbee84 · 27/03/2009 17:33

Now that you've further explained your position and how this other potential job came about it sounds a lot more reasonable. You would have been better to have had a discussion with your current boss re the work situation you are in with her now and about a fantastic opportunity that may be coming your way and it being a good progression etc etc.

Now you need to do a damage limitation exercise. Apologise to your current boss for the way you have gone about the situation, tell her how much you love the kids but that you feel the job is coming to a natural end (ie not really needed any more) and expain about the current reference needed and why.

Notquitegrownup · 27/03/2009 17:14

Saw your post earlier and winced, but seeing that you only work one day a week for her makes a lot of difference, I think. You might have spoken to your boss a little more tactfully, but to ask her if she would be prepared to offer you a reference as a dream opportunity to work overseas has come up is not unrealistic. A good employer should expect employees to move on. You are not hers forever!

Have a chat with her. Explain that this was a chance to do something different and that you aren't sure that you would take it anyway. Apologise that you didn't discuss it with her first and reassure her that you are not planning to move on, unless you feel that the atmosphere has now been spoilt by this. Then let her be grown up enough (or not) to remember that these things happen.

Original poster
mananny · 27/03/2009 17:02

It's hard to balance out a need to remain committed and loyal to your current family, with the need to explore further opportunities. I am committed to my current family, I love them to bits. But at the same time I need to see where this opportunity could take me. I wish I could say more about it, as it would make it clearer as to why I am so keen to pursue it despite being happy where I am.

I have said to the agency that I require at least 8 weeks notice should I be offered the job. That's the very least notice I feel I owe my current family. And as they don't strictly need a nanny now, I am not sure they would replace me. I am kept on to spoil the children and give MB a midweek break. Once they are at school again after the summer, my time with them will purely be for fun rather than actual work IYSWIM? I feel more like family than an employee which actually makes it harder to deal with the fact I have upset MB. I feel guilty getting paid, as I have such a lovely time with the kids and it's no longer a "job" as such.

If this opportunity comes to nothing I want to just move on. I'm not looking elsewhere. My grass is perfectly green where I am.

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