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Original poster

please help - so worried about DS's relationship with wonderful nanny

40 replies

kissmummy · 05/03/2009 20:07

we have an absolutely fantastic nanny for our DS 19 months who is everything we could dream of - she has been with us about nine months now and we love her to bits. But i am worried my DS is getting too attached to her and she may be starting to "replace" my role This hasn't been an issue before but is now really worrying and upsetting me.
She has just been on holiday for us for 7 days during which she looked after him for most of each day, so has spent an unusual amount of time with him - normally she works 3.5 days a week - and this seems to have brought the problem to a head. I rushed home from work today to do his bath and bedtime routine, so looking forward to seeing him, and he didn't seem that interested to see me and went into a complete meltdown when our nanny left I've never witnessed him having such a tantrum and i'm feeling very shaken.
obviously this situation is my "fault" for not spending more time with him (i work full time, not by choice) but blame issues aside, now what? does it matter? should i just get over it? is there anything i can do about it other than try and go part time? i can't criticise my nanny in any shape or form - it's almost like she's too good at the job.
has anyone had any similar experiences?

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rookiemater · 05/03/2009 20:26

Hi, look I really hate to be in the position of appearing to criticize another working mother and it sounds as if the last few months have been awfully hard on you.

But whilst katie has expressed herself somewhat bluntly, I do have to echo the general sentiment.

I work 4 days a week and whilst I love skiing I'm instead counting the days until DS is old enough ( next year he will be 4 yay) to come on a ski holiday and actually participate. I know its hard work on holiday with a little one and on our breaks we tend to use babysitters once DS is asleep to go out and enjoy some time on our own and have used a childrens club for one session during a weeks holiday.

I don't think you need to give up work and it does sounds as if you have a terrific nanny, but perhaps when you go on holiday next time, don't take her and let your DS enjoy spending time on his own with Mummy & Daddy.

kylesmyloveheart · 05/03/2009 20:25

as its only 3.5 days as soon as things get back into the normal routine he will be spending the majoroity of the time with you. feel for you though - but its you he loves and your HIS LOVELY & ONLY MUMMY !!

hope the holiday gave you a much needed break. you certainly sound like you needed it. also you relaxed as he was safe and he got to spend the time with someone he knew rather than a chalet nanny' (not sure what they are called) lol

katieloveskitty · 05/03/2009 20:24

If you are still needing a break prehaps you could take some time off work (ie sick) to help you come to terms with what has happened? I did this following an ectopic last year and it did me the world of good.

georgimama · 05/03/2009 20:23

Not a nanny but my DS sometimes calls me by CM's name. He doesn't think I am her, he just says the wrong thing. He is also extremely attached to my mother, who looks after him one day a week. He gets upset when she leaves.

It is really hard but I'd say this was an exception and once things settle down to the normal pattern he will adjust again. I also try to tell myself that it is a good thing DS has strong attachments to people other than his parents.

Also at this sort of age I do wonder if they are "testing" us to an extent. I don't ever show DS that I am upset by it and he stops.

Original poster
kissmummy · 05/03/2009 20:22

that's right, she did - we skied during the day, between about 10am and 4pm. but i think you're right that this was possibly too much.

OP posts:
TinySocks · 05/03/2009 20:22

Maybe it would be a good idea to choose holidays that involve spending time with him and when he is a little older you could take him skiing with you.

I think there is no way around it, if you want him to feel close to you, you need to spend more quality time with him.

katieloveskitty · 05/03/2009 20:22

Sorry about your MCs. I can understand needing some headspace but I don't think this was a good move for your relationship with your boy.

flowerybeanbag · 05/03/2009 20:21

I have no wish to judge your holiday choices, but if this is something you are concerned about, and you work full time so can't do a lot about it during the week, maybe make a special effort to spend all your holiday time with him, and give the nanny the week off as well?

I do feel for you though, and I'm sure it's a bit of a phase. He knows who mummy is.

willowthewispa · 05/03/2009 20:20

I think this is quite a common feeling, especially among first time mums. But don't worry! No-one will ever replace you

Congratulate yourself that you picked such a great nanny, and feel confident that your DS is so happy with her. However much he loves his nanny, he will never love her more than you.

katieloveskitty · 05/03/2009 20:20

I'm sorry but what do you expect if you work full time and then spend your holidays away from him? Time for a re-think.

kylesmyloveheart · 05/03/2009 20:20

but you said in your OP she looked after him for most of the day.

Original poster
kissmummy · 05/03/2009 20:20

kyles, yes, i'm now wondering about that. as i just mentioned the reason we took her was because it was a skiing holiday. we went because i've just had my third miscarriage in eight months and we really, really needed a break and thought the fresh air and sport would give us a bit of a pick up.

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Original poster
kissmummy · 05/03/2009 20:18

because it was a skiing holiday- sadly 18 month old kids can't ski! obviously we were with him all the time except when we were on the slopes.

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kylesmyloveheart · 05/03/2009 20:18

hi - feel for you as this must must be horrible.

did she have to go on holiday with you? he might be getting confused as she was been there constantly for the 7 days. holidays might have been better without her and then you could have spent the whole time doing everything for him.

katieloveskitty · 05/03/2009 20:15

Why did she spend most of her time with him on your holiday?