Play dates and nanny meet ups - am I making a mountain out of a molehill?

I think playdates four afternoons with the same children is a bit excessive, especially if it doesn't really work for the elder child and they are just playing with the other children's toys.

This doesn't sound as if your nanny has planned a balanced set of activities which are appropriate to all your children. It does sound as if she is meeting up with her mates on your time.

You need to be clear with your nanny :

• limit playdates to 1 or 2 a week
• nanny to organise playdates specifically for the older child with your friend
• spend the other afternoons at home and give the children a wider range of activities and some 1 to 1 time (e.g. cooking, arts and crafts)

If she's not happy with this, she does't have your childrens' best interests at heart.

It shouldn't be so hard to raise this kind of thing, as you are the Employer and what you says happens, is what happens. In reality however, it can be tricky to raise such matters - in the same way that it is tricking asking your boss for a pay rise!
Practice being assertive, work out what you want to achieve (writing it down may help) and then instruct your employee as to what you require.

As a nanny, I don't really do playdates - well not as in children coming to my place of work to play. I do meet up with some local childminders to go walking - so the children do get to socialise with other children of similar age. We also meetup when Legoland is open - as much easier having more adults around on trips to Legoland. We certainly don't meet-up every day though and not twice in the same day.

I'm an out-and-about nanny and I feel I make that quite clear when I am interviewed for jobs. I like going exploring... finding places to visit - be it woodland, museums, or just a great location to watch boats on the river. Often it's just me and the children on these trips - we've found some great places - such as where you can sit in a Helicopter, which of course a 4 year old loved. However, some days the children don't want to go out... don't want to see the world around them.

I too have a v good nanny but am a little concerned about the same sort of thing, it was v difficult to raise it, so much so that I haven't yet!
I think the issue is not so muc hseeing the smae people all the ime but the fact that there will be little time for reading, drawing etc and craft adn general hanging around in their pyjamas which is all a bit aimless but v nice for kids not to feel they are "on " all the time, at play dates etc. I know myself that playdates are good as yuo get to chat to other adults

I would broach it from the 4yr olds angle.Say that a few mums have mentioned about starting drop off playdates and since he will be starting school in sept these are likely to be long term friendships and you think its important to start nurturing them.Maybe say one day a wk she could do drop off playdates-that means she's only really effected every other wk when she has the other child over to yours.

I look after a 4yr old and a 23mth old and we are lucky that in our street there is 2 other 4yr old girls and their siblings get on great with my youngest(in fact one of the 4yr olds younger sister is only 2mths younger than my youngest) none of them have nannies but we do drop off playdates occassionaly.one of the 4yr olds is oin my oldest class at school as well.
Then I do playdates with kids at school sometimes(quite hard to arrange but am trying)
Also have nanny friends and their charges

You are agonising over this way too much. Just arrange an activity/playdate swap for them and let her know what you have done. For example "I saw David's mum at church and we talked about a playdate in the week for DS1 so I gave her your mobile to arrange a swap with you. Just wanted to let you know so you aren't caught by surprise when she calls." Or "I found a nice craft activity for DS2 at ABC community centre. I'd like him to do this. Could you have a look at this schedule and sign him up for whichever time suits you the best."

My nanny tends to take the initiative to arrange these swaps on her own with kids in DD's and DS' classes. I'm very happy for them to run off with their friends, and she gets to go to the gym. Everyone happy. Personally, I wouldn't meddle unless nanny was choosing friends I don't like.

In terms of playdates/activities, it sounds like you don't need to tell the nanny to have less playdates - you just need to tell her what you want. How will she know if you don't tell her?

Explain that you would like DS2 to do more craft activities and messy play.

Ask her to arrange more playdates for DS1 and assure her it's no problem to drop him off.

Often as a nanny you get very little feedback from parents, so you just have to do what you think is best and keep the children happy. If my boss ever specifically asks me to do something (take the children to a particular activity, arrange a playdate with a child from school etc) of course it's fine and I do it.

my mb kept me on ml and she said i was a godsend, you will be tired and also nice that nanny can have baby and you can spend time with older 2

i work 3 days, and had mb off last summer hols on ml, and i did all my normal stuff on 2 days with older 2 and often had baby as well ,and on a tuesday i had baby and mb took older out on own - worked well

getting 3 out by 8.30 is hard. esp when one is a new baby, but dh might be there

tbh not many nannies i know would be happy to clean , so if you do get rid of cleaner, then dh will have to do it if he doesnt have a job

What do the nannies do with the children when they meet up. I have two close friends who are childminders and we meet up regularly. We take pics for the parents so they can be involved in what we do with the children during the day.

Sometimes when there are more adults its easier to do certain activities, one adult can watch the children while another clears away the activity and the other can be cleaning hands, preparing snacks etc.

Painting, glueing and sticking, cooking with the children, music sessions and outdoor visits are all easier and more enjoyable with more adults.

I love company of adults and other children, some really good ideas for play comes from group sessions. We certainly dont sit around having coffee and chatting.

I do agree though that there should be a good balance and one to one is really important.

hotcrossbun - the more I read you the more I think you are genuinely a reasonable person who simply wants whats best for ALL her children - which is just fab (obviously!)

What I can gather then the main "concern" is actually with the 4 year old? It may be worth saying to the nanny something along the lines of...

"You know I really don't have a problem with you offloading DS on my SAHM friend if she invites him over for a playdate...you wouldn't have to stay and it would be nice for DS to spend some time away from you as he clearly adores you but needs to get prepared for school when he won't get to see you so much - would you mind terribly dropping him off once in a while on your way to Xs?"

Does that sound terribly patronising? Something to explain that you want DS to spend some time with boys his age plus five mins away from nanny in readiness for school plus reassuring her that shes not being lazy if he goes on playdate without her......

Does that help?

i am more than happy to get rid of my 3yr on a play date

just as i am happy to have friends over from nursery, the sahm comes in first, has a cuppa, we have a natter then leaves

nest time i just pick up the child from nursery/sahm drops off for tea etc

obv children make friends and the more they see of certian children, the more they will want to play with them

tbh i feel sorry for your eldest ds, he obv wants to play boy games, and girls dont want to (apart from my 6yr girl who is a tomboy )

i suggest you say that ds wants to play with xxx from nursery, and ask nanny to arrange a date and time thats good for her, even if in 2 weeks time

yes having a parent at home out of work is hard BUT i find dads easier and tbh your nanny should be grateful that she has a job, and that in a few months time, you will be on ML and db wont have an income

will your nanny still have a 4day job?

I think your dh being at home is probably the main reason she is spending so much time with her nanny friend.

My db works form home occasionally and though he is good and shuts himself away in the office I prefer to be out so as not to disturb him with childrens noise/shrieks/my singing

However, I know where you are coming from when you say that "we are paying you to look after the children not sit around chatting to your mates whilst they keep themselves amused" (reading between the lines and thinking as a mummy, I think this is what is concerning you). It could well be the case that they are sitting around while the children are left to it - but also it could be as navyeyelash mentions that the nannies are playing with and involved with the children. If it is the first senario then I personally do not think this is on - a certain amount of time without adult interaction and guidance is good for children but not all the time - after all nannies are paid a fairly good wage and should be spending time doing arts & crafts, baking, puzzles, reading stories etc etc. - that's what they are paid to do. JMO.

2HotCrossBuns - I just typed out a long reply (left it below for you to read anyway!!) but when are you due and what are your plans for ML? This could be a 'natural' time for things to become organised differently, without you actually having to say or do anything.... and in the meantime, if it's a little way off still, just say you have had emails and calls from the parents asking when DS1 would be free for a playdate and that you would really appreciate it if that was incorporated into the weeks activities - you don't have to say when or how often and see if it gets done?!

Original reply:

Why don't you say to your Nanny that you have been getting a lot of calls/emails from the parents of your sons friends at school and would like to set up some playdates (God I hate that word) with them and ask her what she thinks would be the best way to do this? Suggest setting aside say 2 afternoons a week where this takes priority over the younger childrens play afternoons. Then she still has 2 afternoons and all mornings to do it however she wants, unless you have the little one in organised groups every morning, but even then they seem to find time to meet up.

There is a fine line between not upsetting an otherwise great nanny, but getting the best for your little ones and it sounds like it could be a little bit better for your older DS, so you should both work towards this.

I still think that you are getting stressed over nothing.

• She sees the nannies after work too: Yes, perfectly normal. All nannies meet up occasionally for after work drinks. Just like after office drinks?

• She doesn't do playdates with your SAHM friend: Tbh most nannies prefer to meet up with other nannies because they have more in common and because meeting with your SAHM friend will feel a bit like.... she is been watched by your friend. I m not saying that s the case but thats how it feels.

• Now you are mentioning that your DH is at home. Well, it is very difficult for a nanny to work when one parent is at home because the children tend to play up. And it is worst when that parent is the dad (i m beeing sexist now)

I really think that if she is a good nanny then you shouldn't worry.

Agreed Tiramissu - my 2yo charge is much happier playing with the two friends we see a lot than the 10 children we see once a week at toddler group.

Actually not only it doesn't matter but it builds up more 'close' relatioships and what goes with them i.e. familiarity, trust, continuity etc. Much better than meeting too many and different children .

And i dont see it as 'you pay for the nanny's social life'. All nannies meet up with other nannies and children.

Now if she goes to the pub or meet her boyfriend.....

Are you worried that she's spending too much time on playdates and not at home with the children, or just that the number of children yours see isn't enough?

I think it would be fine to specify one or two afternoons a week playdate free, but I really don't think it matters that they see the same people all the time. There's plenty of time at nursery and school to play with loads of different children.

i see where you are coming from hotcrossbun

to me i think she is spending a lot of time with theses nannies/children

i am not saying that she shouldnt go out, but to go out and see other people as well

i meet up with many nannies and mummies, and on one day three of us meet up in am, have lunch together and then go to tumbletots together but i certainly wouldnt see them again afterwards and then for tea and then the next day

yes nannies like to socialize as do sahm's - it is vital to both sanity's

are there other children that your ds would like to invite back for tea from school - even though they have grown up together, now your ds is 4, he prob doesnt want to play with girls every day

and yes its good to have a dsy in playing in by selves, we do this, attempt to cook, or paint/playdough etc

but mb and i both agree that we both cant stay in all day - or we get cabin fever

As a SAHM I spent most of my time with the same group of friends, but my kids also got 1:1 time at other times during their 12 waking hours that I looked after them. Since this is a nanny I would ask your nanny to try to arrange more activities to suit your 4 yr old, as it does sound a bit boring for him.

When I meet up with nanny friends we all sit and play with the children - sometimes I barely speak to friends as am too busy with children climbing on me!

Other times we might get a chance to talk whilst entertaining children but I don't think there's ever been a time where I've just sat and talked to friends. The children I mind are between 14 month and 4.

Maybe ask nanny if they could have little more time 1:1 at home but if it aint broke....

Do you not like the families they are spending time with?

Are your children moaning that they hate x or y and wish they didn't have to go there?

TBH I think your NCT friend has the right attitude not mentioning it at all - your nanny - as greenblack mentions - is a professional who is paid to do their job.....if you are that precious about precisely how many play dates are allowed then I suspect you need to be the one looking after your children as you obviously want to have more control over how they spend their time.

I am sure it makes both nanny's jobs more pleasant and enjoyable and that will rub of on your children - a happy nanny is vital to happy children I feel. They will soon pick up on vibes to the contrary if you start limiting your nanny so much