What would you do in this childcare situation? Nanny or boarding school?

Paws: did you say that you are in Cambridge? You have 2 state boarding schools (much cheaper than independents) fairly near you - is this another possibility?

Agree with lisalisa - and also as a solicitor you can always gain additional rights of audience after qualification.

sorry - crosss posts there; sorry to hear about your mum. In that case a network of schoolfriends, surrogate aunties etc would be good to build up.

Paws - not so. i am a soliitor - magic circle trained and then silver circle ( top 20 firm ) for 15 years. Trainee hours are only long in certain departments like corp finance - otheriwse pretty ok ( especailly in property and litigation for e.g. outside trail times ). I left on average at about 7.oopm every night meaning home 8pm - much better than your 10pm. I should think you would burn yourself out and must be very very pessimistic to htink that 10pm every single night is average. I was a trainee during early nineties boom and we did about 3 allnighters - i.e. till morning wit hchampers breakfast after. Live in nanny would suit you perfectly for that set up.

When i qualified and moved to silver circle firm I moved in to an area of law where traditionally the hours are not fearsome - average finsih was about 6pm quiet days adn at worst 8pm. There had to be a serious deal on where wwent past 8pm.

And actually even in the seroius depts ( corp finance, private equity) where there was no current deal afoot hours were also ok.

You really really need to rethink this unless you have a burning desire to go to the bar and be in court. Even then - we all have to redesign our dreams sometimes and especially when we have kids. |Money is also not great at the bar unless you are very succesful and practice in heavily monied city areas in which case your hours would always be held to ransom by last minute briefs from city firm. i personally don't think this type of area/life is sustainable with young family and think you can do much better for your money.

Paws, you haven't mentioned family - are there any close family members nearby, or even that you could think of moving closer to sometime in the next 3 years? Although you would still need a nanny, if regular visits for tea etc could be arranged, this may also help provide some security/stability. Possibly not an option for you though if you've not mentioned it so far.

Paws - that's great that your mum got the balance better, and hopefully that will stand you in good stead. I think it's appalling that women find themself in this situation, whereas a man is less likely to, but hopefully if you look at it from all angles and think through various scenarios e.g. you're in court and your daughter cracks her head open (this actually happened to me), who will rush to be with her? Do you have supportive parents who could fill the void? etc etc...

Whilst it's great that you are planning ahead I think you need to wait a little while and see how your daughter develops in the next 3 years.

From another point of view I was in fulltime boarding school at 10, my parents live abroad for the first couple of years and they weren't able to attend sports days, concerts etc and I didn't always see both of them at half-term, plus this was way before the days of email and mobile phones and I talked to my parents once a week for 5 minutes on the phone. However I realised that was my fathers job and that my fathers job meant we could afford nice holidays etc and that my parents loved me very much and they sent me to boarding school because they thought it was the best option available at the time.
I am VERY close to my mother now. Plus you are setting your daughter a wonderful example by trying to pursue to career that will provide you both with financial stability in the years to come.

Look paws - i speak as both a lawyer and mum of 5 - whatever choice yo umake will be tough for your dd as your hours are very long and don't leave enough time to nurture here properly - you acept that as a given. Assuming family aren't around either to pick up some peices for you you have 2 choices- boarding school or nanny. I think bs is too harsh a choice and sh eis much too young. As you said nanny you can always change and at least she's in her own home with you in it too even if you're not there much she knows you are in theory just a bedroom away.

but - I would revist career choice too - what else similar is there?>

Absolutely and I don't wish to therefore dismiss the issue for the OP - just to highlight what she needs to think about and how to alleviate them and deal with them before they become problems.

My mother pursued her career for our "benefit". Call me ungrateful but I would rather have had a mother I could depend on to be there when I needed her rather than the one week of skiing, or the trip to India or whatever was the 4 weeks out of 52 that I saw her. It's not right that it's all or nothing. It's not right that the OP should have to make this choice - she should be able to pursue her chosen career without sacrificing her child's time with her, but our society isn't like that and so unfortunately the reality is the OP needs to ask herself the questions I have listed, in the context of knowing the personality of her daughter, and then hopefully she'll make the right choice all round...

Yes, i was wondering if it was pupil barristering - a lot of potential for weekend work...

What is the job, paws, do you mind saying?

Excellent post Weegle. Sometimes though we hvae to make hard career choices for hte benefit of our kids. It's a really hard call and because a single parent even harder for her still. OP - are yuo a trainee barrister? If so why not opt to be trainee solicitor instead?> Much better high st hours.

I think you need to be 100% sure that this career choice is worth it.

I was that child. Except I was 7 (young for year). I said I loved it. Everyone thought I thrived at boarding school. The reality was I was only happy because I knew the alternative was worse. And my relationship with my parents never picked up from there. Even when they changed me back to a day pupil later on (quite a while later on admittedly, 5 years not the one you are thinking of) it was too late and then I wanted to board - in fact I didn't know what I wanted, I was really pretty confused about it all. I'm not saying your daughter would be like that, but one thing tends to lead to another with such careers and you are likely to need to commit to it more than just that first trainee year...

And what about holidays? We had nannies and then au pairs as we got older.

When I was 15 and my sister 17, on mother's day, I distinctly remember my mother saying "my girls, where on earth did your childhood go?". At the time I thought "you're the one who wasted it" - now as an adult I can see it differently but my mother and I will never be close, all as a result of her career choice.

I know it is anti-feminism and hardly modern thinking. But I genuinely believe women can't have it all. It rarely works like that. If you give more in one area something else has to give. I wish it was different but sadly I don't see how it ever can be. And I think that anyone embarking on a career-change that will seriously impact the family life needs to really think about how you will handle that better than my parents ever did. Who will go to her plays? To her concerts? To her sports day? Who will rush to pick her up when she's ill? Who will talk to her when her friends are picking on her? Ask yourself these questions, and ask if your relationship with her can survive through her not seeing you apart from weekends, and if you still feel it is the right thing to do then you will know you have seriously thought about it and about how you will manage it and compensate for it.

I don't wish to be negative, just to put a different perspective...

I'm going to go against the grain and say boarding school, if you really wouldn't see her during the day Mon-Fri anyway and it would be weekly only so much less chance she would be homesick anyway and tons to do during the week at a good boarding school whilst you aren't there. (I went to boarding school F/T from 10)

I would also go for live in nanny - let her have ample time off during the day as others have said but make clear that the most important part of the job is the evning hours so that this is not an add on but the part that nanny focuses on so no resentment breeds etc. `

Good luck to you - why would anyone beat yuo? you are a single parent tgrying admirably to do your best for you and your dd. Your dd won't suffer - its only for a year and provided yo uget the best childcare you can and are there for her on weekends and call home after school every day to chat to her ( if you can) she will be fine.

You might be better off looking for a nanny/housekeeper. Your DD will be out of the house during school hours, so if you hired a housekeeper, she could keep the house running while you slave your butt off in the office.

I think you need to ask the nannies if they would consider this, and how much money they would expect, and the conditions etc. Ask here or on a nanny site?

Hello again, Paws!

Personally, I would go for the nanny. I think you would find one to work those hours, although, as you say, it would be expensive.

I went to boarding school (f/t though, so not quite the same situation), and I wouldn't choose it for my DD. I was desperately homesick.

You are NOT letting your DD down: you are working for her future too. Don't beat yourself up. I'm sure you'll come to the right decision for her and for you.