What would you do in this childcare situation? Nanny or boarding school?

Paws, I would go nanny for sure - boarding school would leave you with problems in holidays as much as anything else, and being at home, even with another carer, is much more familiar and less disrupting than being in a new school

if you are being a pupil barrister, as seems to be the case, aren't you being rather gloomy about the hours?

Paws, I would add that I have commuted to London and worked for someone high flying and pretty self-centred despite his best efforts, and it's blardy knackering. I only did it for a year, but then told him politely to stuff his job. I tell you, those Cambridge to London trains are a total nightmare.

Around that time, DH bought a new digital camera and was testing it one evening and took some pictures of me hunched over the laptop in my bathrobe at 10pm one evening finishing something off ... I look about 20 years older with dark rings around my eyes, I was so tired.

That having been said, it did propel my career up about five notches, so ultimately worth it. In the short term.

Another point - even as an academic I could have bought my daughter Ugg boots if she wanted them. So you need less money than you think.

Paws

I have dealt with TV before but can't remember anything specific - quite a good website.

Trust me - you will be a zillion times happier as a trainee and then qualified solicitor in a good regional firm where you don't have to commute up to 3 hours per day and you can see your dd properly and regularly and where they are bound to take a more pragmatic approach to time off for sports day/xmas play and all these tiny but monumentally important things that are soon going to become a big part of your dd's life./
Contrast that to a life of commuting to the bar each day and being tied to the whim of magic circle guys ( sorry being sexist here) who have no families at home or have obliging SAHM so doesn't enter their radar screen to leave before midnight and who call your clerk at 6.oopm with an "urgent" paper for a Junior and guess who's landed?

It just isn't worth it. Be the master of your own destiny and join a good regional, work your way up to Partner and reap the better life. Even with overtime at regional in cambridge with jacket on back of seat mentality you'd still be home by 7.00pm tops.

Paws - my sweetie - we have sorted it for you:

1 Employ a nanny
2 Get a First
3 Become a solicitor
4 Go to a good regional firm.

Now please go and do what we say because we really do know best you know

haven't read every post, but....

would echo those saying that -pupillage really is unlikely to be the hours you say on a regular basis. in my st we expect pupils to be there 8 to 6 tops... save for the emergencies / crises / etc.

would also echo that actually the first ?5 years of tenancy if you get one will be harder than pupillage if you are successful ie busy and therefore earning money... you are low down the feeding chain, you will be dumped on at the eleventh hour and taken advantage of by solicitors. it is not an easy life.

i speak as someone on sabbatical after 20 years at the bar.... because my practice simply wasnt compatible with family life as i wanted it to be. a lot of my (male) colleagues succeed because they work all hours, have sah wives and rarely see their children in the week. i would be leaving house most mornings at 7 ish, getting home 7 ish. seeing dcs for hour or so then working for 3 hours.... regularly. working at least one day w/es, taking files away on holiday and taking calls at home at all hours. it really really ground me down and that was with a fab dh who did loads at home. we had a f/t live out nanny who was fab too..... but it became untenable for me.

it is a great career in many ways.... the money if you are good, the status, the other people, the using your brains etc.... BUT it has its v real difficulties too. i'm not saying dont do it, but just think long and hard before setting oiff down a path that may have too high a price tag attached.

Ah 'Leys', that was it... Hadn't thought about it, but a school that goes up to 11 would probably be far better for her and everything would be geared towards little people of similar ages rather than chance of her getting 'lost' amongst the big people!

Totally agree with the posts saying that as a woman you can't always do it all - better to be honest and admit this and be a fab lawyer during week and fab mummy Fri pm - Mon am! Otherwise you end up killing yourself trying to do everything and pleasing no-one. (I'm currently planning a temporary-ish career change - usually a reception teacher - for the same reason!).

Oh and you're right, definitely better to be in Cambridge, so she'll be in familiar surroundings and have less travelling time - also would hopefully have local friends to see in holiday times (and share childcare with?) and hopefully be able to maintain some of her current friendships at weekends. My cousin was in boarding school (Oakham - family lived in Leeds) and he absolutely loved it, but the one issue was that his friends lived all round the country so he found holidays a bit dull.

You are doing the right thing thinking about it - but in my opinion (and I am donning my fire proof suit as I type) this is just not something you can do if you have an 8 year old child. She will not see you at all during the week. It is not for the best - children do not see the bigger picture, they see what is happening to them now this minute. Sorry.

Congrats on being so ambitious and well organised!!! Am also wondering if need to up my vitamins as don't achieve nearly as much as you are!

Just a few random thoughts, (not a lawyer and thought the magic circle was something Paul Daniels was a member of! Is that the Hogwarts link someone mentioned???) but if I was you I'd look into weekly boarding, as you could get all your work/overtime/research etc done during the week and make the weekends fab, lovely and exciting for your DD. At bs she'll be with lots of friends who are in the same boat, which would be very different to everyone else's mum picking them up at 3.15 except hers. If you have a nanny you might well find that you end up rushing home to be with your DD, p'ing off work who'd rather you were doing overtime and/or feeling guilty for not putting the hours in, so your time with her won't be as good and you'd maybe have to put work in while she was sleeping or at weekends?!

Doesn't the Leas (sp?) take LOs from 8? I used to walk past there on my way to work (at Newnham!) and the LOs always seemed so happy. I think if you handled it in the right way - making DD part of decision and letting her 'choose' which school she goes to (after your vetting) and what she'll do with you at weekends, letting her know she can leave if she hates it after settling in time (the schools must have good procedures for settling LOs in, so probably wouldn't be a problem). It could be a real adventure for her... although she might love it so much she doesn't want to leave, so you might need to consider what you'd do if that happened?!

She's only 5 - 8 is a very different ball-game and a lot can change. You're doing absolutely the right thing thinking about it now. I would investigate both options thoroughly: visit schools, grill staff, pupils and parents, speak to nanny agencies and shamelessly pump the nannies and nanny employers on here for information (I'd also involve DD as much as you can in this process). Thus when the time comes, you can talk to DD and assess what you both think would be the right route for you

Another thing about the nanny is that even though she will be asleep, you can go in and see her ever so briefly. It's not much, but it's a whole lot better than an empty bedroom. My DD (who is 5 now) is often asleep when I get home. I'll go in and say good night and will kind of wake up, roller say good night, and then she goes back to sleep. But, in the morning, she knows I was there.

I am all for boarding school, but not at age 8. That is too young except for the exceptionally independant. And it doesn't sound like your DD is in this group.

I think the choice really depends on your child Paws. I have 1 ds who would thrive at Boarding school, is a real team player and very sporty, and have 1 who would much prefer to be at home with a much loved guardian, be it you or a nanny. I think in the next year or 2 you'll get a much clearer idea of her personality and which would suit her.
Good luck though, and much admiration for everything you are doing.
Kitty... have to say am very surprised to see your post! Can't remember anyone on the CMN&AP board judging you when you came for advice!

I absolutely take my hat off to you!

I think I would go for the weekly boarding option tbh - you started down this route when your Mum was going to be heavily involved in DD's care. Now that she isn't and given your lack of other relatives/DD's lack of siblings, I think this puts a huge pressure on DD's relationship with a Nanny. It is hard for a child to understand that, to a Nanny, this is a job and much as she may love your DD to bits, if her circumstances change, she will move on. A school would give DD the stability she needs during the week but with more people around. Plus you and she would then have your home to yourselves at the weekends. I don't know what goes on with boarding schools during school holidays though.

I just think you could have everything worked out, have found the perfect nanny etc etc, DD becomes really attached to her and then she leaves. You've then got the nightmare of finding someone else at short notice (plus possibly dealing with an upset DD as well) whilst working those long hours, with no backup to help in the meantime. I really think in your circumstances, you need the certainty and permanance of a school.

IMHO obviously!

Off to buy liquorice then. Even so i dont like it at all

OP,
can i ask you what vitamins are you taking?

Waw! I know other women who lead similar lives but tbh they all have families around. I think you are very brave to do this with no family help. And even so it is not my cup of tea i have to take my hat off to you!

As for your dilemma, personally i would choose the nanny option. If you go for this then take your time to choose one, interview as many as possible and be very honest and clear about what you are offering. With your busy life and in order to cover illneses etc you dont need a second best nanny or resetment or nanny leaving you and then have to get new one etc. You need a very good nanny and you need all the parts to be happy, so if these means some extra money or small gifts or time off....
FWIW when i was early 20s (this was 20 yrs ago ) and i was nannying i would take this job and would like to work for you

All the best luck

(Tiramisu is running to the pharmacy to buy vitamins. Feeling so lazy when reading posts like this )

P.S. Kitty, Tankie wasn't spiteful. At all. And she always gives good advice from a nanny's point

PLP - hats off to you - you're doing phenomenally well. What I would say though is the following (and I say this as an Oxbridge educated and MC trained lawyer):

• I don't think the hours will be as bad ALL the time as a pupil as you think. Sometimes maybe but not constantly
• but I don't think the hours will ease up in the way you think when you get tenancy - you've still got to please the clients, keep the clerks happy etc
• I'd really think again as to whether being a solicitor may be the way forward.
• City hours though can be pretty bad but there are some decent firms in Cambridge - think about applying to them
• its not complusory to be a barrister of MC - you can choose otherwise
• even brilliant people with Oxbridge firsts can struggle to become barristers so don't pin all your hopes on this. Sorry but lots of people overlook this