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Original poster

argh!!!!

43 replies

PDF · 31/01/2009 15:39

Am I being over sensitive?

I asked my au pair if she would be able to babysit on valentines evening and she has said only if she can have her friend stay that weekend.

Is it me or it that a bit off?

Today when she came downstairs, I thought I was being polite and asked her what her plans were for the day. She replied "why?"

Was I being rude to ask what her plans were in her free time? I was taking an interest and replied that I was just being nosy. I feel a bit awkward now.

Incidently, her plans are to stay in her bedroom all day it seems!

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Blondeshavemorefun · 01/02/2009 21:33

if your ap doesnt work weekends/today then if she wants to be in her room sleeping all day up to her, maybe she doesnt want to spend time with you and kids on her day off

i know i dont with mine

Original poster
PDF · 01/02/2009 21:02

schpooz.... the au pair left them as she wasn't happy with how the family were with their son, wasn't happy with their house rules and found the contrast of living in an asian family too much to deal with. She also didn't like the father very much - she said he was too lazy.

Hmm - maybe I should start lookimg as she doesn't seem that happy with our house rules and she keeps telling me that my hubby is lazy too!

She was only with the other family for 6 weeks but they seemed happy enough with her.

OP posts:
Tiramissu · 01/02/2009 20:56

Was your agreement that the au-pair has to work on weekends? Or to 'help out'? Or free to do whatever she likes? What is your agreement and your expectasions?

schprooz · 01/02/2009 20:52

Sounds like a total nightmare to me. You've got an annoying grouchy teenager to deal with who's not even yours! Did you find out from the other family why they didn't get on?

I agree completely with rookiemater, and my experience as a rule is that aps don't have the concept that they are supposed to be improving your life, rather than allowing you the happy privilege of having the delight of their presence in your house. Tbh i'd get rid. Or rather I would go through all the ways she's being generally annoying and not doing what she's agreed to do and tell her that she has to demonstrate over the next month that she will do those things and can behave like a polite adult. Otherwise she'll have to leave.

In the meantime start looking for another!

rookiemater · 01/02/2009 20:29

I don't have an au pair so feel free to ignore my advice, many do

It sounds to me like you are walking on egg shells in your own house. Why on earth should your DS1 have to be quiet when he is at home ? Surely the weekend is an opportunity to children to relax and let off steam a little. Why do you feel that you have to take everyone out of their own home so that someone who has chosen to stay out all night can sleep ?

Maybe I am missing the point here but I thought the main reason of having an au pair was to make life easier for yourselves. Is that happening for you with this girl ?

Original poster
PDF · 01/02/2009 20:07

well we have agreed that her friend can come and stay to try to ensure that our au pair stays happy. After all a happy au pair = happy children.

She spent most of yesterday in her room only come downstairs to eat and then went out at 8 pm with her friends.

She got home just before 7 this morning and told my DS1 off because his alarm went off at 7 and she had just got into bed!

He then came downstairs and chilled for a bit (very quietly).

I got the other two children up and took them out to the farm for the day so that the au pair could sleep.

We all got in about 3 to find the au pair still in her room with her door closed - so I assume she was still sleeping. Hubby and I took the 3 children out shopping and got some food whilst we were out so that when we got home all we would have to do is bath and stories.

We got in at about 6.30 and the youngest played for a little while with his new transformers. Au pair came down so we said hello. When she realised there was no food bought home, she went back to her room (without saying even a polite "hello" back) and I haven't seen her since!

We sat her down last weekend and had a long conversation about housework, washing, children's homework etc and her being a part of the family and she cried and said that she really wants to be a part of the family but I am yet to see any evidence.

Does it sound to you like she is making an effort to fit into the family? Would you be happy with this situation?

OP posts:
MuffinToptheMule · 31/01/2009 19:57

I didn't know you had a no overnight rule. I have this same rule which is a bugger but rules are rules. I think if she is compromising by babysitting at the weekend then you can compromise something. However, it sounds like you are already compromising by letting her have a week off.

Blondeshavemorefun · 31/01/2009 19:09

bugger managed to post before i had finished

meant to add-sorry to hear you were abused x

Blondeshavemorefun · 31/01/2009 19:07

pdf - fair enough - and it is your house and rules

cheapskatemum · 31/01/2009 19:07

Well, I disagree with BHMF & tankie. We too have a rule about no males overnight and no friends unless agreed with us beforehand. If she had been an absolutely superb au pair then you'd want to treat her and would probably relax the rules about friends staying overnight, but she hasn't. Presumably it's in your agreement/handbook that she might be asked to do the occasional weekend babysit.

We had a similar problem a couple of years back. DS1s parent Consultation Meeting was on a Saturday lunchtime. Could not take DSs 2, 3 & 4, therefore needed AP to babysit them. She got stroppy & said wasn't the W/E her time off. I pointed out that she'd had 9 weekends off and this was the only time I'd ever asked her to do anything at the weekend. We did compromise and say her BF could come to see her. In the end, he had to work!

tankie · 31/01/2009 18:48

Also, I have been an au pair and a live-in nanny and was never banned from having overnight guests, I think I would have found that quite tough - especially if it was a sibling I wanted to visit me.

tankie · 31/01/2009 18:46

I think asking for a friend to stay over is perfectly reasonable - and she was probably just wary of telling you she had no plans for today in case you asked her to work!

Original poster
PDF · 31/01/2009 18:41

BHMF - you tend to be a bit over protective of your children when you were abused as a child by someone you knew, hence the no overnight guests rule.

My au pair is having a week off to spend the week in london with her BF who is coming over from Germany the weekend after Valentines day, so her only plans that day are to see the friend that she wants to stay over.

OP posts:
Blondeshavemorefun · 31/01/2009 18:15

why the rule of no overnight guests?

esp friends or relatives - i understand you dont want any tom,dick or harry boyfriends there and shagging under your roof

maybe you AP had plans for vd?

tbh i dont think her request is too wrong, and maybe you can meet the friend first?

Original poster
PDF · 31/01/2009 17:38

our house rules say no overnight guests and when she asked if her brother could stay we said no.

So it is a little suprising that she has said this to us.

We have never asked her to work outside of her normal hours and would never ask her to give up her weekend for us. The only reason I have asked her to babysit on a saturday is because that's when valentines day falls this year.

I did post about the same au pair fairly recently.

last post

Perhaps I am just being over sensitive then

Thank you all for advice (again!!)

OP posts:
SammyK · 31/01/2009 17:28

Did you ask if she had valentine's plans?

Sounds like she is resentful about something to me.

MuffinToptheMule · 31/01/2009 17:13

I actually think that's fine. Maybe she could have asked politely though.
Do you often ask her what her plans are and then if she says she doesn't have any, do you then ask her to work? My AP boss has gotten into the habit of doing this and it has ruined the relationship we had.

lindseyfox · 31/01/2009 16:25

I think that its a reasonable comprimise she babysits on valentines night but has a friend to stay as long as the friend is responsible and not going to cause harm to your children or home I dont see a problem.

Maybe shes just not in a great mood today and when you asked what she was doing maybe she thought she was going to be asked to do x,y or z so she said why just in case!!