argh!!!!

Gosh it must be so tricky having an ap, for both parties I think. I agree up to a point with Blonds and Titamasu, if she is free at the weekends then she is free... if she stays in her room then thats her business.. I dont know how old she is but I have teens,19 and 17 and they certainly wouldn't want to spend a Saturday night on the sofa with us.. that would be a bit wierd...
However I wouldnt tiptoe around her because she had a late night.. thats her look out and if the kids are noisy then they are.. as a cm I wouldnt dream of hushung my mindees in favour of my hung over teens...
pdf you sound like you need some girly friends of your own to hang out with and have been able to do this with previous aps but obviously not this one.. I think it might be your dissapointment coming through in this thread and not really an ap issue...but you do sound so caring I hope it works out...

Also, I found it a good idea to look for au pairs with loads of brothers and sisters - they don't seem to expect the world to revolve around them it quite the same way.

I am feeling very grateful for our lovely au pair and will really miss her when she goes!!! I am with Dadinsteadofmum - we always try to be really clear with our au pair if routines change, so she knows exactly where she is. Saying that we are such a chaotic household - heaven only knows how our au pair copes with us!

We made an au pair manual with a brief set of our houserules including letting us know if she plans to stay out and our expectations about guests ie: none when she has sole care of the children (which is rare) and asking us if she wants friends to visit. In fairness, this has only happened a couple of times and she has always made a point of introducing them first which has been nice.

There is a lot of give and take with the whole au pair thing and so much comes down to personalities too. However the bottom line is that you have to feel good in your own home - if you don't, then changes need to be made. Good luck!

I thought that this advice was quite good about how to choose, by the way.

where are u based PDF?

How much more are you going to put up with? Tho' TBH I agree with others about the 10.30am start, you need to be specific. Good luck!

PDF - I am with the witch I have found that instructions that deviate from the normal routine have to be very precise.

My current AP is around all the time (and unlike others I am glad of the company) previous AP took herself off to bed as soon as the kids were in bed and we barely saw her all weekend, each to their own I guess.

I think you are right about the being out all night thing though, its back to the older sister thing again, yes I know they are adult and we have no parental responsibility (the loco parentis thing you see posted on here sometimes is a red herring) but it is only natural to be concerned, but then I always ask mine if she is likely to out overnight, but thats more a practical as the front door gets dead locked at night.

ok so maybe she could have come down a bit earlier but then tbf PDF I think your instructions were a tad vague!

my exMB (I'm a nanny btw) used to occassionally say I could have a lie in+come upstairs a bit later but I would always, always ALWAYS ask for an exact time so that we all knew what was expected.

I think maybe you should have clarified an exact time (or at least a rough estimate - as 10.30am was clearly not what you expected) but then on the other hand, she should have asked for clarification, for her own peace of mind if nothing else.

HTH x

I have always explained to our APs (and all prospective candidates) that we see the role as big sister, also that as a big sister you will want time aways from the annoying little sods siblings; so I don't see the in the room at the weekend thing as a problem, it could be perfectly healthy time out.

The noise at 7am, well that is part of being in the house, she has to put up with it.

Yes there are AP house rules (as there would be with an elder sibling) but it is always give and take, you have asked for babysitting on a weekend (which I would count as an extra) and she has asked for a favour back, and if this is one of the girls that used to come round for the girly nights with the previous AP then she would already been known to you?

Ditto CSM about the phone, I pay for a cheap O2 monthly contract (£20/month) with so many minutes and so many texts, she pays any extras over that.

I think you sound like you're really nice to your aps. Maybe you should look for one who's a few years older?

Find a replacement, give this one her notice and see how relieved you are when she goes. You and your DCs deserve better.

Why, though, does she only have a German mobile number? I buy ours a pay as you go UK SIM card when they arrive. Actually, O2 ones are free, you just pay for the £10 credit. I then top it up £10/month.

just seen your other thread and I see you told her before she took up the job that no overnight guests was a rule in your home and she agreed to that. Since starting she twice asked to have an overnight guest and you twice refused.

Now she wants an overnight guest in return for a perfectly ordinary babysitting evening? I wouldn't do it. I would say you have thought it through, it goes against your house rules whihc she knew and agreed to at the onset and you cannot make any exceptions to that.

I think if you are not firm (reasonably nice but definitely firm) now, she will keep on pushing boundaries and you are already feeling uncomfortable in your own home.

I don't know why you put up with it. I would send her packing frankly. she sounds extremely unpleasant - and very rude. I also don't like what you've said about her behaviour/attitude towards your dc. Cut your losses I think and replace her ASAP. I'd rather go without an aupair than have someone unpleasant in my home.

A view point from an AP

The relationship between APs and families is always difficult. Hence why there are so many threads on mumsnet about AP problems.
I am actually quite shocked at your APs attitude towards the noise. Did she not realise that you have children, and children make noise. Also, she called your DH lazy and then moaned that he got up at 7am on a Sunday morning.

I find the weekends the most difficult time of all. This is for a number of reasons: there is no proper routine as there is in the week, I am not working but I am at my place of work, I want to eat whenever but will not because the children will want what I have and that wouldn't be fair, the children do not understand about me working and not working. I could never say to them, "I can't play with you/ read to you/ bake with you because I'm not working", that would make them feel terrible.

My solution is that I go away on Friday night and come back again on monday morning. I stay with my boyfriend. The bad thing about this is that I have to buy food for the weekend.

I hope that the situation with your AP gets better!

Will a nanny work for as few hours? In an unskilled job? A bit of overkill.

no, live-in nanny has room and meals, And proper wages.

Tiramissu, is the subtext underlying your posts that PDF is exploiting her aupair by not paying 'full wages'. I think PDF has explained that one away. I hope you will also bear in mind that aupairs get a room, full meals and board which a nanny/cm/cleaner does not - which adds up to quite a tidy sum - so don't forget to factor that in your calculations.

PDF is right about aupairs being part of the family. It does not make sense from the point of view of the family or the aupair for her not to integrate into the family. Without mutual regard and give-and-take (and PDF has shown she is considerate), it really does feel like exploitation - both the family and aupair will feel used and uncomfortable living under the same roof. Disaster.

lol at 'i would be better off if paid a cleaner for £8ph.

And at being martyr

Rookie has a good point about why are you having to walk on eggshells in your own house. I am a bit shocked she actually told your ds off for his alarm going off. It says a lot about her attitude to living under your roof.

Basically, an aupair who is live-in has to respect that this is your house, these are your rules. The family makes her welcome but she also has to fit in. If she does not like the rules, lack of privacy whatever, then for heavens sake look for a bedsit and go down that route. Living with a family is an easy springboard to explore a country but it does come with the restrictions of living with a family.

I don't think your aupair has quite got that concept.

If I were you, I would not tiptoe around her. Just carry on as usual. If that means your dcs being dcs at 7 am in the morning on a weekend, hey, that is family life. She might leave - I would not try to make her stay.

I don't think she sounds like she is that keen on being part of your family. I could probably handle that in itself. Not the stroppiness though. If an aupair makes me uncomfortable in my own home ie there is a 'cloud' or 'vibe' when she is around, or grudging attitude, I would be looking for a replacement ...

I want my aupair to be happy in the house and with the family. The wrong fit is bad for everyone.

Your aupair does not sound like a terribly sociable person, which is nothing wrong in itself.

I dont understand tbh.

You told her that weekends she is free. Then you are complaining that she spend it in her room. What is wrong with this? Or going out with her friends?

There have been so many threads where OP complains that the au-pair is always there when they watch tv on wends and they dont have privacy etc.

It seems like whatever these poor girls do, they cannot win.

Her weekends are for her. She is a free person. She ll not be around on sunday tidying up behind you. For the money you pay you have good deal. Stop moaning.

If is not good deal then get a nanny/CM and a seperate cleaner and pay full wages