Mindee that doesn't play on her own?

it's impossible to give any child 100% attention, she's not getting it at school, probably not at home, and defo wouldn't get it at a nursery! i would have thought the job of a good childcare provider would be to encourage independent play ...esp at her age....you're right to be concerned...(if that's the right word)

Agreed blueshoes

I think in this case - these particular parents have chosen a c/m setting so a solution that suits all parties needs to be found.

I am all for gentle methods working. And if not, to change the situation.

I can understand some parents liking a family setting. But whatever childcare a parent chooses, they are paying for a service. And this is related to the issue of whether a CM prioritises her mindees over her children. The answer is this should not be an issue at all if all children can occupy themselves at some point and the mix of children work.

Not all family situations with more than one child are ideal, especially since a demanding child who IMO is acting in an age-appropriate manner could be shortchanged. Therefore, CM family-type situations are not ideal for all children. Just saying that if faced with the prospect of paying for a service, I would choose the service that best fits the child, rather than choose the service that best replicates my family situation (which may not be ideal).

Why do you assume that anyone would be pushing a child to stop being clingy. There are gentle ways to do everything- I wouldn't assume the worst.

Parent/childminder relationship is very important and I do not see any reason why this can't be resolved with everyone involved. The mum is at home too with this child, so a family setting is very normal to her. One of the loveliest things ever said to me by a mum was that she was comfortable with me looking after her child and that my care was as good as her own.

No doubt if it didn't work out both sides wouldn't force the child to be in a harmful situation.

"if you had more than one mindee would all these harsh posters be berating you for not spenmding all your time with the clingy one?"

No, but the answer would be the same. I would not put a clingy child in a CM, family-type setting because that CM is on her own. I would put her with a nanny or in a nursery where more hands make light work.

Fine to explore strategies to reduce 'clinginess'. But if they don't work, and there is no guarantee, then the answer is to change childcare, rather than change the nature of the child to suit the childcare. That is putting the cart before the horse. I don't feel comfortable with a CM pushing my dd to be less clingy before she is ready. I can see dd will get upset. That is not fair to CM (who does not have the authority of a parent) or the child.

chloe what a nightmare!

IMHO the aim of a good childminder is to "treat children with equal concern" - that means that sometimes the reception child will need to do somethign by themselves once in a while so you can deal with other things - if you had more than one mindee would all these harsh posters be berating you for not spenmding all your time with the clingy one?

No its only because the other 2 kids involved are your own that people have got bees in bonnets.

Sorry you got this reaction from people - how judgemental! I agree that the reception child should be able to manage several spats of solitary play of say 10mins at a go. Reasonable of you to think that and mayeb worth speaking to mum abotu the clinginess - is the child like this at home for example etc and think of strategies with mum to overcome it

Yikes - Chloe, you have my sympathy here. I don't actually think you worded anything wrong - I get what you mean. I watch a 5 year old reception child and he's the same. It's the age isn't it? It does make things tricky - but I find being well planned and keeping them busy is key here.

Now, as far as being the wrong kind of care, that's totally unfair. My mindees parents LIKE the fact I have a 3 yr old and a baby (and an over 8) as he is an only child he gets to feel "family". And I think that is right!

He IS hard work, but no doubt all of the children including my own (!) get equal care. And it's usually the baby, toddler and 5 year old all on my lap.. but things have to get done, they have to eat and the baby needs his bottles too. But this isn't a bad thing. We are usually have a cuddle while we are doing this.

Have you tried involving her in the care of your baby? Or helping cook/make snacks? My own dd is much the same, and her helping satisfies her need to be with me.

chloe, here: "I only posted my OP as I was in the childminder section anyway and it is something that came in my head that I wander if any MN CM have any useful advice."

'mad responses', 'judgmental', only CMs can reply?

So there is right answer and a wrong answer. Pray tell what the right answer is. But heck, I am not a CM so what do I know and last I checked this is a public forum for parents.

chloe, I have this problem with a mindee who is also in reception, I have worked really hard with this child and is now able to play independantly for a little while. I use the carrot approach i.e Say whilst changing nappies I give mindee tasks to do something like can you draw a picture for so and so's mum and dad (usually another mindees parents, seems to work for some reason), if you do that I can change/do blah blah quicker then we will have more time to play. I also give tasks such as helping my own children setting table, calling DH for dinner, any little jobs than can be done beside me which helps mindee as we can still talk/discuss school day etc.

... whether you are the best childcare option for this child.

MadMarg, I see you are referring to overly scheduled children. I don't have experience of any but read about them.

Chloe, the decision whether or not to move is one for the parents to make. Perhaps not fair to suggest to you because obviously you cannot control this beyond refusing the child as a mindee or mentioning to the parent who might take it you don't want the business. It is a fact of life that the parents' job is to match the child to the best childcare setting. You cannot be all things to all children.

As for tips to manage the current situation, all I can say is you can lead a horse to water (so keep trying to distract her) but you cannot make it drink. Or as others say, get a mindee of the same age but you have already answered that. Which begs the question ...

Hi Chloe,

You are clearly a great cm or you wouldnt be posting the problem to get help would you.

I think ALL children in the setting, minded or own, have equal priority at all time.

I mentioned television because it did indeed help my own dd to relax after school but what works for one doesnt for another..

I feel for you,good luck x

Blueshoes - sadly, yes I do. Not so much that the teenagers are shadowing their parents, but that the children are the sole focus of their parents lives and quite frankly the parents (usually the mother as the father in this case works) have no life other than taking their children from one activity to another.

madmarg, I get what you are saying. I have a ds at home as well. However, do you know of any teenagers who are still shadowing their parents around? It is a combination of opportunities as well as maturity.

Once my dd has the ability to read, to do more things for herself, she will naturally realise she can fall on her own resources to help herself, amuse herself. It will come, I am sure of it. As I said, she is much better already.

Blueshoes - children don't just learn things because someone has 'taught' them to do it. They can also learn from actually trying it. If a child never has to sit and play on their own, how will they learn how to?

You DD has been given the opportunity to learn not because of what you have done, but rather what you have not done, and that is not spend every waking moment focusing your attention on her. For most parents this comes naturally, if for no other reason than because they have no choice but to do other things at some point while their child is awake.

Also, I used a ft nursery for the baby (prefered nursery over nannies for babies/toddlers) and an aupair for afterschool care of the older child. That way, my dd still got one-to-one attention.

Alternatively, the child could go to an afterschool club, if one is available.